Not So Disappointed Anymore And Great Talk With The Hubby

Really body, is this really the game we are going to play? You just love screwing with me, don't you?

Today I got my period, not on the day when it was supposed to come on, which was Monday. Usually I either get it on the right day or I don't get it at all, but this month it decides to show up 5 days late. Late just enough for me to believe I could actually be pregnant, which it turned out I'm not, and then that this month is just a no go. I really think my body enjoys playing games with me. I even had myself convinced that its okay that I didn't get my period, that it's not what I prefer to have happened, but that its fine that we have to wait until next month to try again. That maybe I needed this month to destress a little since I have been so stressed out thinking about my body, ovulation, ttc, and the crazy counselor lady.

But now that means that there is a chance, a small one, but actually still a chance that we could get pregnant this month. As I said in the last post that Dereck was able to get a week off of work so that he would hopefully be here for my ovulation time this month. If I would have gotten my period on Monday(8th) then we would've had until CD 19 for my follicles to get big enough for an IUI, but now since I didn't get my period till today we have only have until CD 15. Last time, in June, my follicles weren't big enough until CD19 to do the IUI and we don't have that long now. Of course in July the follicles didn't grow at all so that's why my Dr. wanted to up my Clomid dose for the the next cycle. We are praying that the double dose of Clomid that I'll be taking on CD 3(Sunday) will kick my follicles into gear and they will be big enough before CD 15. It's a long shot that they'll be big enough, but I feel we at least have to try. So I did call my Dr. then today and told her about getting my period and going to be starting the Clomid. I feel the anxiety coming back already now since we have a chance afterall.

The good news is that there is this chance, that I thought for sure was gone now that we could get pregnant this cycle. There is also a bad side to this though. You see my very good friend is getting married on the 26th in Michigan-and we live in Alaska, not exactly a short flight. I knew it was going to be close and I might not make it to the bachelorette party which was that Thursday before the wedding, and it sounded like it was going to be so much fun, but I told her that I was pretty sure I would be at the wedding. Now of course if we can do the IUI it will most likely, if at all, happen on that CD 15(that Friday before the wedding on Saturday). I have the time off of work but trying to buy a last minute plane ticket to fly from Alaska to Michigan to be there in time for the wedding will be tricky, not to mention if I do get lucky enough to get the IUI done my Dr. might tell me that flying for the next 12 hours is not recommended. Ehhh!

Why can't things ever just be simple and work out. It always seems there is either nothing going on or everything is happening all at the same time. I really don't want to miss this wedding. These friends have done so much for Dereck and I through everything these past 8 months, the least I can do is be there for them on there special day.

It's just that I want to be pregnant again so badly. sigh

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Dereck and I also had a great talk last night. It had been awhile since we actually sat and talked about Liam, especially since the last 2 months have been filled with this ttc business. We talked about my closeness to San Francisco, since for some reason I am still obsessed with that city and Dereck hates it and has no desire to go near it again. We talked about all of things we wish now that we would've done at the hospital just after Liam passed. Our regrets- not bathing him, changing his clothes, rocking him,  singing to him- but we just didn't know what to do at the time. We talked about his pictures and how beautiful he is and how much we love his name. How we both feel having family names are very important to us versus just naming our child some random name. We are sad that we and he will never get the chance to write his name, its long- William Maximilian, that would definitely use all the space up on most forms/paperwork. He will never get to say his name and be proud of his name and what it represents. We talked about him being in Heaven with his Grandpa and probably having a blast in his perfect little body. We talked about so much and I just loved it. I love talking about my little Liam monster- also sad I never get to call him that because I was certain he was going to be a very smart little monster.