Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Another Great Conversation Followed By An Irritating One

I had another great talk with a different babyloss mom last night. This momma, Kristin, found my blog through family on my husbands side from a Facebook post I wrote many months back. Despite the fact that I look ridiculous and my neck has been aching these 2 mommas have made me so happy this week. Rarely have I spoke to anyone on the phone about baby loss, outside of close friends, and now twice with in 2 days. These conversations have been so healing and comforting for me, and its so crazy how well we got along. Both calls I felt like we talked like we have known each other forever, or maybe its just because we really truly understand each other and have this HUGE thing in common. I just hope that these conversations were as meaningful to them as they have been to me.
And Brandi to answer your question about me and Tatiana having any plans to meet? Well no plans yet, but one day I think it would be great to meet her and Kristin also. Maybe one day.

Then today when I went into work the Dr. that I work for asked me how I was doing. I informed him about the ER Dr. being wrong and that it was Bell's Palsy instead. He made me feel so good with what he asked next. He asked me about what meds they had me taking because he was concerned on whether I was pregnant or there was a chance I could be pregnant, and if these drugs were okay for me to be on if I was. It might seem silly I guess that him asking this to me made me happy, but it really made me feel like he cared about me and was concerned for me if I was pregnant.

Then there is what happened after work. Well first I better recap yesterday first. My parents called yesterday and asked how I was doing since we haven't talked in awhile. If you recall at all, I haven't talked about it much, but my family hasn't been too supportive since Liam passed. When I say not supportive I mean that they have never asked about him and when they have asked how I'm doing they act annoyed when I would say I am sad. Sad because my son died and they don't seem to care! So now usually when they call I lie and say I'm fine, unless of course I am fine then there is no need to pretend.
I had told my parents about my face issue and that I was going into see another Dr. that afternoon about it. Chatted about a few other things and then said goodbye. Well while I was talking to Kristin last night on the phone I seen both my parents and sister were trying to call. I didn't end my call with Kristin because that conversation meant a lot to me. When our call did end about a half hour later I called my sister back and she asks why I won't tell my family what is going on with me. I was confused, what, I did tell them earlier today on the phone. Okay, so I call my parents back and get no answer and sit there frustrated on why the hell they seem to be so concerned about my stupid Bells Palsy. I mean I am happy that they are acting like they care about my face so much, but what I wish they cared about is the fact that my heart is still broken in pieces from losing my son and they don't seem to give a damn about that. I must sound fricken bitter about this, which I am, but my face most likely will get 100% better, but my heart, that will always ache for my son, and that is where I need some support. 
I don't write about my family much because I know that some of them actually read my blog, but really I am starting not to care anymore who I might offend. This is a place for me to express my feelings, I should be able to share them all whether good or bad, and if someone reads something they don't like, then they should just stop reading.

As far as my face goes it doesn't look any better yet, but I did just start taking my drugs yesterday and it takes time for it to get better. Now I know I probably sound just crazy because I get so paranoid about everything I do these days. I just really want to ensure my next baby is healthy and if there is any problem, hope to god not, I can't look back and say, "maybe it was those meds I took." It's hard to not want to blame yourself. Not to mention I take so many different pills these days its ridiculous. I take my prenatal, fish oil, and an extra 3g of folic acid daily as is. Then on day 3 of my period I get to take the Clomid for 5 days, give myself an injection to get me to ovulate, take progesterone if needed after that, and if I don't get my period and not pregnant sometimes my Dr. has me go back on Provera to force it on my body. So when you throw in a couple more meds, that I have to take multiple times a day for the next week to cure my Bell's Palsy face, it is just ridiculous.


  1. "This is a place for me to express my feelings, I should be able to share them all whether good or bad, and if someone reads something they don't like, then they should just stop reading."

    Im sorry the drugs aren't fixing your face as quickly as you would like. I always got annoyed when i had to take antibiotics and they didn't make me feel better right away. I cant imagine only having 1/2 of a functioning face. Find humor in it. Im sure you will look back and laugh at it.

    If it makes you feel any better, at least your parents ask about how you are doing since Liam died. My parents have never said a word to me about Parker since his funeral.

    Still got my fingers crossed that this is your month to conceive that rainbow baby!

  2. I'm sorry your parents aren't all that supportive. I'm annoyed for you.

  3. I'm so glad you have been able to talk to Tatiana and Kristin. I have 2 babyloss Mom's that I talk to regularly and those conversation are among the best I've ever had. There is nothing like talking to someone who understands.

    I hope the Bell's Palsy gets better soon and you don't have to be on the medication for long. I love that the doctor you saw the most recently was so caring. What a difference that makes. When I doctor does something like that, they win my loyalty.

    I'm sorry your family hasn't been as supportive as they could be. I know that is hard.

  4. I completely understand the parents-family thing. Its always a shock when you find out the people closest to you are the least supportive. The only comments I got from mine were bad ones. I dont talk to my side of the family anymore except for my Sister.You are right, partly why I started my blog was to let out my true emotions and feelings and it has been theraputic. I hope you feel better soon.

  5. so sorry to hear about your parents not being supportive. it does suck when the people who are supposed to be family aren't there. my parents have been ok, but my ILs have been terrible. they never ask about Julius at all. it pisses me off. ((hugs))

  6. Anonymous said...It was SO great to talk to you on the phone too! I felt like we could have talked for hours and hours! Sorry I had to cut it short. We need to set up another phone date soon. And if you make a trip back to MN in the future, I think a meet and greet will be mandatory! ;) Thinking of you...



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