Went to sleep crying last night, that is if you can even call it sleep, maybe more of a long nap. I tossed and turned until sometime after 3am when I finally dozed off until I woke up at 6 and then tossed and turned again till 7. So much on my mind right now. I swear these next few days could make or break me.
This past few weeks I have been bad, I pretty much have been facebook stalking. You see this girl I was friends with from back in Minnesota is about 2-3 days past her due date right now. I more less have been looking at facebook daily just waiting to see the post that her little girl has been born. I don't know why I feel the need to check her status multiple times a day. I get sad everytime I read updates about cleaning the nursery, taking daily long walks in hopes to induce labor, and jealous at all the comments from friends and family telling that baby to hurry up and join the world so they can all meet her. I want to say how happy I am that they are so happy and excited for there baby girls arrival, but there is this mad, angry side to me saying that this isn't fair. Why does everyone else get to be so happy? Why didn't I get to be that pregnant? The chance that something can go wrong is slim and well I wouldn't want anyone to have to endure this pain but that doesn't take away from the fact that I hate that my little boy had to die and there's a really good chance that everything will be fine for her. Do I sound like a real bitch for feeling this way? I don't care, it's true, I am jealous of everyone who is excited about the chance to meet there little one and actually gets the chance to meet them-ALIVE!
Tomorrow is my follicle check and it has finally sunk in that tomorrow will tell us if we will actually get lucky and get to do an IUI this month. I have been very calm these past 11 days, but now I am anxious and want Monday to hurry up so we can get to Tuesday 11:45am. I am trying to remain calm, I mean there's isn't anything I can do to change the outcome of the follicle check anyway, but I am getting nervous and worried. We only have until Friday to do an IUI, and that's only if the follicles are big enough, and then Dereck has to leave. I tend to ovulate late but there is this chance I could ovulate early since I took the double dose of Clomid. I only have until day 15, and if they aren't ready and Dereck has to leave for work, then what? Then I will have just taken the double dose of Clomid, which has given me a headache for the past 6 days, for nothing. Then there is my friends wedding in Michigan next weekend. Me going to this wedding is based completely on the outcome of this follicle check. Could I actually get lucky and have it all work out for me? Eeeeek! Tomorrow I will know the answer, eeeek! I know
I'm only a few months into ttc this time but I am tired of being stressed out trying to get pregnant. I want to be at that next step being anxious, nervous, worried and pregnant.