Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Ugly Grief Spiral

Anyone who has ever lost a baby knows all about the ugly grief spiral that you can get completely wrapped up in. Well that was me this past weekend. Of course having your husband gone for 2 weeks for work and then dealing with my own first week back to work wasn't helping neither. Now I grieved and cried and was super depressed after Liam passed but I am pretty sure this past weekend I hit an all time low. The grief spiral started and it got ugly, very ugly.

First off, I have been thinking and researching so much lately about the gestational carrier stuff just trying to find some hope to help me through this dark time. Sadly, I got so wrapped in it that I went from having a tiny bit of hope that we could have baby next year to this is never going to work. I was researching insurance for our carrier, which I learned is going to be the most expensive part, and it could end up that we have to be completely self pay. I convinced myself that if the first IVF cycle fails that we will be too broke to do another, the carrier will get pregnant and then it will end in stillbirth and by then we will be too broke and so brokenhearted that we will not be able to try again, that we will transfer 2 embryos that will end up splitting and we will have triplets or quads that will put so much strain on our carrier she will be bed ridden and then lose the babies anyway, and in the end we have no babies but still be left paying hospital bills for the rest of our lives.

I had a long talk with the hubby about this, thank god one of us is the voice of reason, and I have since calmed down quite a bit in regards to that. He had to remind me that I shouldn't be stressing about insurance since we still don't even know what Jessica, our potential carriers insurance status is yet, we might be just fine. We also don't even no for sure if she can be our carrier yet. He also said we will find a way to get this to work for us and that we might not have much, but if we have a living baby in the end, that's all that really matters. All valid points. I guess there is plenty of time to start stressing about all of this once we actually know we have a confirmed carrier and can move forward.

So that is what started it.

By Sunday, exactly 2 months since we took Evelynn off of life support, I started getting into the blame and guilt again. Why didn't I go into Ob Triage that weekend? I complained all weekend to Dereck that my belly ached but what did I do, I wrote it off as being 9 months pregnant, and kept on cleaning and doing other things than thinking about the fact that my baby could be in trouble. What the hell is wrong with me? Especially since I knew I was at an increased risk for a rupture. Why was a rupture the farthest thing from my mind? I should have went into the dr. immediately. I should've been more proactive for her. I had a good reason, I had lost a baby before. What the F is wrong with me?

This started a whole other chain of events that lead to me feeling like every decision I have ever made for my babies has been the worst decisions of my life. That stupid fetal surgery! That's right, I call it stupid because I hate it for what it did to my family. It took Liam's life, it took Evelynn's life, and it is continuing to fuck me! I can't make a good decision for any of my babies and they have to die because of it. I question daily if I will ever have a healthy living baby in my arms but I am now questioning even more if I deserve to ever have a living baby because apparently I haven't done that great of a job with the first two. I have made horrible decisions for them both. I couldn't protect them, keep them safe, or alive.

And yet, even though I am so scared and hate my life so bad these days, all I want is a baby in my arms to love. Having my own family is all I ever wanted and my life means nothing if I can't ever have that. There is a lot in my life that I feel I will never be accepting of, but never having kids, well that I will never, ever, accept.

I found this quote, it kind of fits perfectly:

It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want. 
-author unknown-

I love you Liam and Evelynn


  1. Oh, Sweetie...yes, the grief spiral does get easily out of control quickly. I've been there, too.

    Everything is so much more obvious after the fact. I believe you are a very loving, protective conscientious mommy who made the best decisions you could with the information you had. Even though there was a risk of a negative outcome for both the surgery and a subsequent pregnancy, I'm quite sure they were low enough to give you hope.

    I don't know about you, but I expect a huge physical cue when something is going sideways. I completely missed my preterm labor because it didn't hurt at all and I assumed it would. Would going in that night for preterm labor - instead of the next night when my water broke, presumably in part because of the contractions - have saved my twins? I don't get to know. Instead, I *get* to work on loving myself and accepting what happened. Of course I wish my babies were here, healthy five month olds instead of almost 11 months gone, but that's not my reality.

    Sendin you love and peace...

  2. You ABSOLUTELY deserve to be happy and have children and YOUR children. I know it's easy to beat yourself up because it seems like we are the ones who should "know better", but we can all speak from that seat and it just doesn't work that way.

    That quote is so telling. I absolutely agree. I just wish things would be different.

  3. You made the best decisions for you and your babies with the info that you had at the time. I know it's so hard to not feel guilty because I carry my own. The load has gotten lighter over the years but there are so many things that I was I had done differently, too...Be gentle on yourself. It's easy to blame yourself but you're guiltless ((hugs))

    We were in the process of doing surrogacy with my sil being our gestational carrier. Long story short, she needed to lose weight before my RE would approve her. It's such an emotionally draining process. We went so far as having all of psych evals done and our lawyer was hired. Maybe, one day...

    Anyways, thinking of you and sending prayers for peace...

  4. Oh Becky-- I am SO tremendously sorry that the grief spiral is taking over right now but it is so understandable. You WERE 9 months pregnant and 9 month pregnant women do have lots of aches and pains and you could have never, ever known what was going on. We know that if you had, you would have been in that ER in 2.2 seconds. Nothing is wrong with you Becky, you absolutely did the best you could and still things went wrong. I hate that so much. So so much. You deserve babies and happiness very much.

  5. I am sorry you had such a hard weekend. It seems like you have so much love in your heart...and we always make decisions on what we think best at the time. Sending you prayers that you get past this rough time and in the days ahead as you look towards the future.

  6. You did what you thought was best for your son and daughter. That makes you an amazing mother. I'm so sorry you had a difficult weekend, grief is so consuming. It's so hard to pull myself out of a grief spiral. Continuing to keep you in my thoughts...

  7. I'm sorry you're stuck in the grief hole. It's a hard place to be, especially if you are alone when it happens. I wish your husband didn't have to be away when you are both hurting so badly right now.

    Second guessing such huge decisions in your life must be awful as well, especially the fetal surgery since that was your choice and appears to have caused all the subsequent tragedies.

    But, what if you looked at it differently? What if you had decided against having the fetal surgery for Liam and he had been born with a very severe case of spina bifida? What if he had life threatening complications and suffered a lot due to his condition. What if some of those complications led to his death? You might have been in that position wishing you had gone through with the fetal surgery, thinking "it could have saved him".

    My parents had to make some of those same life altering decisions about my heart when I was young. Twice I had to have 'unplanned' heart surgeries while I was still in ICU after a previous operation hadn't gone exactly as planned. Both times the second surgery worked well and I'm here today because my parents made the decision to 'go in again', but things could have so easily been different. My family could have been the ones endless second guessing themselves, wondering if they had just waited longer or until I was stronger, then maybe it would have worked. It wouldn't have done any good. They made the best decisions with what they knew at the time, based on the best medical advice available. I'm just lucky it worked out.

    Also, it might help to set your mind at ease if you asked your OB whether you had gone in on that weekend if an ultrasound would have even shown anything. Maybe the pain you were experiencing WAS normal, and the rupture was something that happened so quickly you would have to had to have been getting an ultrasound at the exact right moment in order to 'see' it happen. I remember going back to your last post before Evelynn was born and I'm pretty sure you actually wrote that your OB thought your old incision looked good. Plus, I'm not sure 'belly pain' at 9 months would have gotten you very far in triage since you'd just been examined and you were fine at that appointment.

    Bottom line is you can only go forward from this point on. Try to look back only with love and not with regret. You love your babies and did nothing wrong, and you are not a bad mother, nor did you 'deserve' this.

    There is no one to blame, including yourself.

  8. I think you are a great and very deserving mom. Fetal surgery was your step towards bringing Liam safely into this world; whatever you did was in the best interest of your baby. With your daughter, it's so common to have aches and no one goes to triage unless it's absolutely necessary. You just didn't know what was going to happen; no one would, trust me.

    I so well understand the grief spiral thing and having to go to work when your dh is away. Thinking of you always.

  9. Hugs. I know nothing can mitigate the pain you are feeling, even all of saying that you have nothing to feel guilty about. You deserve, more than almost anyone I have ever met, to have every single one of your dreams come true.

    I found this blog today, it talks about what aspects of surrogacy are tax detuctable. This information may help, when the time comes, to defray costs a little bit.

  10. The what ifs are the worst. They can drive you crazy. Thinking of you.

  11. It is hard not to wonder "what if?" You made the best decisions with what you knew, though, and Liam and Evelynn know that. I'm praying for you and your husband as you grieve and go through this surrogacy process.

  12. We wouldnt be good Mothers if we didnt blame ourselves. You arent at all to blame but it's instinct to feel that way. I feel guilty everyday, and wonder everyday what decisions I could have made that would have changed the outcome. That is not going to change the present or the future and we have to try to put the "what ifs" behind us. That is easier said than done.

    I know that the triage would have done nothing for you, they probably would have told you were just having braxton hicks ( false contractions) and sent you home.

    I cant imagine what you are going through but I do know you are entitled to be a grief stricken mess for as long as you feel that way.You are working and functioning outside of the home and that in itself is a huge step. Be gentler on yourself. Again easier said than done. I am always thinking of you. xoxoxoxox

  13. You did nothing wrong; losing Liam and Evelynn was not your fault. Life just sucks sometimes and some people get dealt shitty cards. I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. Thinking of you.

  14. The other ladies above did a great job commenting on how this isn't your fault. Because it's not. We all live with the decisions we made, and all carry the burden of what we perceive to have been mistakes... And I fucking hate that the fetal surgery took both your babies and I'm still so angry for you. But it's not your fault Becky. You would have done anything for those babies- no one doubts that even for a second.

    I'm sorry you're having a hard time. It's completely understandable given what you've gone through and are going through. I'm here if you need to vent. xox momma.

  15. Oh goodness. If you have any questions, at all, please ask. I saw I had a "Click" from your website and came on over to see. I'm honored that you've featured my blog on you side and here for any surrogacy questions. Good luck on your journey and I'm thinking of you and your family.

  16. I found your site randomly... And wanted to say how much I feel for you. I lost my only child at 27 weeks this February. I also wanted to share some info I read about a long while ago about surrogacy in India. It's ridiculously less expensive than America and (besides the plane tickets). It could be an option to look into :) I wish you luck I will keep reading to stay updated:)

    Holly, Max's mom

  17. Please don't be hard on yourself... thinking of you with all my heart xoxo

  18. Hi Becky, thanks for stopping by my blog. I too am always on the lookout for other blogs of ladies looking at a GC. I am so, so sorry to read about all you have been through. I really can’t imagine how awful this is for you but want to let you know that you have my thoughts at this tough time. I know how hard it must be to think about a GC. I always get very annoyed about how people dismiss surrogacy as something people want to do to ‘not get fat’ or whatever. How ignorant. I calmly informed my best friend the other day that no woman would choose a GC as a first route to a biological child, it will only ever be the last, most tragic, the absolute final resort, and that every single woman who does go down this route will have been through unimaginable tragedy in their life. Please try not to blame yourself, I know these words may be empty as I don’t know you from Adam but you were dealt a truly tragic hand. Again I am so sorry.

  19. Oh Becky, wishing so badly that I could take away all of your pain. You deserve to have happiness. You have gone through hell and back for your babies and that is a great mother. You did what you (and everyone else) thought was best for them.You could not have possibly known that anything was wrong. I am so so sorry that Liam and Evelynn are not here in your arms. I am praying that an answer comes to your family soon and you find hope in knowing there are possibilities to bring home a beautiful little baby. I wish I had the words to fix it all. If I could, I would. Thinking of you and sending you lots and lots of hugs and love.

  20. Becky, I am sorry that the grieving is so dark right now. We all blame ourselves for our babies' deaths, but that doesn't mean there is actual fault. You are and will continue to be a great mother with an unfairly difficult path. I hope you get good optimistic news on the gestational carrier front soon. Love to you.

  21. I just wrote a post about guilt. It is so hard not to question our actions prior. I am so sorry that you are going through this. You could not have known. I am thinking of you and wishing you the best.

  22. Sending love hun. The spiral is terrible and hard to get out of. It's hard not to blame ourselves for the loss, but please try to remember that you are not really at fault.

  23. I am so sorry for your loss of Liam and Evelynn. It is so hard to not get into that spiral, especially if left to your own thoughts for any period of time.

    I just wanted to get in touch with you to let you know that you are more than welcome to get in touch with me at any time. I unfortunately also just lost my rainbow identical twins on July 1 at 24 weeks and 2 days (Adelynn Lily and Abigail Iris). I lost my first son (Ayden Parker) on April 18 last year at 30 weeks and 5 days due to pre-eclampsia. I was so sure that it just could not be possible to lose a rainbow ... and now I know that is not true. My husband and I are contemplating other means of bringing home a live baby, not because I am unable to have another pregnancy physically but because I don't think I could handle it emotionally. I think you mentioned something about working with a surrogacy clinic in the twin cities, so I wanted to let you know that we are about two hours from there and you are more than welcome to use our home if you need a place to stay. Feel free to get in touch with me (jennysprouse (at) gmail (dot) com)


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