First off, I have been thinking and researching so much lately about the gestational carrier stuff just trying to find some hope to help me through this dark time. Sadly, I got so wrapped in it that I went from having a tiny bit of hope that we could have baby next year to this is never going to work. I was researching insurance for our carrier, which I learned is going to be the most expensive part, and it could end up that we have to be completely self pay. I convinced myself that if the first IVF cycle fails that we will be too broke to do another, the carrier will get pregnant and then it will end in stillbirth and by then we will be too broke and so brokenhearted that we will not be able to try again, that we will transfer 2 embryos that will end up splitting and we will have triplets or quads that will put so much strain on our carrier she will be bed ridden and then lose the babies anyway, and in the end we have no babies but still be left paying hospital bills for the rest of our lives.
I had a long talk with the hubby about this, thank god one of us is the voice of reason, and I have since calmed down quite a bit in regards to that. He had to remind me that I shouldn't be stressing about insurance since we still don't even know what Jessica, our potential carriers insurance status is yet, we might be just fine. We also don't even no for sure if she can be our carrier yet. He also said we will find a way to get this to work for us and that we might not have much, but if we have a living baby in the end, that's all that really matters. All valid points. I guess there is plenty of time to start stressing about all of this once we actually know we have a confirmed carrier and can move forward.
So that is what started it.
By Sunday, exactly 2 months since we took Evelynn off of life support, I started getting into the blame and guilt again. Why didn't I go into Ob Triage that weekend? I complained all weekend to Dereck that my belly ached but what did I do, I wrote it off as being 9 months pregnant, and kept on cleaning and doing other things than thinking about the fact that my baby could be in trouble. What the hell is wrong with me? Especially since I knew I was at an increased risk for a rupture. Why was a rupture the farthest thing from my mind? I should have went into the dr. immediately. I should've been more proactive for her. I had a good reason, I had lost a baby before. What the F is wrong with me?
This started a whole other chain of events that lead to me feeling like every decision I have ever made for my babies has been the worst decisions of my life. That stupid fetal surgery! That's right, I call it stupid because I hate it for what it did to my family. It took Liam's life, it took Evelynn's life, and it is continuing to fuck me! I can't make a good decision for any of my babies and they have to die because of it. I question daily if I will ever have a healthy living baby in my arms but I am now questioning even more if I deserve to ever have a living baby because apparently I haven't done that great of a job with the first two. I have made horrible decisions for them both. I couldn't protect them, keep them safe, or alive.
And yet, even though I am so scared and hate my life so bad these days, all I want is a baby in my arms to love. Having my own family is all I ever wanted and my life means nothing if I can't ever have that. There is a lot in my life that I feel I will never be accepting of, but never having kids, well that I will never, ever, accept.
I found this quote, it kind of fits perfectly:
It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.
I love you Liam and Evelynn