We have been back in Alaska for 3 days now and each day the sun has been shining. Summer seems to be here and everything seems so full of life. It helps me to remember why I fell in love with this place. I think about my babies and how badly I wanted them to be here with me and hoped that they would fall in love with its beauty as I have.
When we left the grass was still yellow, the trees had barely started budding, and the ground was still muddy in areas from what was left of winter. Now it's just so perfect outside. Perfect for stroller walks. I want to go outside and enjoy the weather. It's messed up that something as little as a walk in the sunshine can be so damn depressing.
I am trying to stay as busy as possible. I just want time to pass. just like last year. I had wanted so badly for 6 months to pass so we could start ttc again. This year I not only want the next 6 months to pass I more less want the entire next year to pass as well. I want the gestational carrier stuff to be ready, the eggs retrieved, embryos transferred, the carrier pregnant on the first try, and the 9 month pregnancy wait complete. I just want to hear my baby(s) cry and be to the point that I can hear the doctors say we can take our baby(s) home, and actually do it. I hate all this in between stuff. There is hope in this for sure, but it is still so far away. It looks like even if everything goes as planned the earliest we could have a baby is September/October 2013.
That is such a long wait! So if we could just skip this summer, next winter, and the majority of the following summer, that would be great.
I have started to write about 20 different posts, so much to say, but I just can't seem to finish them. It's easier just to stay moving and try to keep my mind busy. Unfortunately blogging seems to be involving more effort than I want to give right now.
After not looking at Facebook for the past week, I broke down this morning and had to look at it. My friend, the one who more less had the same due date as me, should have had her baby by now. I knew I would cry when I read the news and saw a picture of her baby, but I just had to know. She finally had her baby boy the other night, about 2 weeks late, but he is here and alive, and that makes me cry.
I don't know what to say really except that I'm thinking of you. Which, I know, in the scheme of things, means squat. Love, Em
ReplyDeleteSending all my love to you.
ReplyDeleteYou're in my thoughts so often Becky.. I've got a HUGE wait ahead of me too (i won't bore you with the details, but its very likely that I'm a carrier for the disorder my son died of and will need pgd and ivf to have a child that survives more than a couple of days. I can't TTC until we know where I stand and that's months and months away) and its so hard to accept having to wait. I can't even imagine what this is like for you. I hope with all my heart that things go as quickly for you as they can. Your babies have an amazing mother, and I think your third child will be so, so proud to call you their mom.
ReplyDeleteCompletely understand wantin time to fast forward,this intense grieving period is so hard and you've already done it and shouldn't be here again :(
ReplyDeleteI also understand that self-inflicted torture with FB...FB is the devil! Ugh. Seeing that baby boy...crying for many reasons I'm sure.
Thinking of you daily and wishing time to fly for you xxxooo.
Dear Becky... I think of you often and my heart cries for you. Seeing those summer days must be so hard and I hope that the steps over the next few months pass quickly for you. You've been on this journey with me for so long and always a beautiful support. I wish I could do more for you and feel so far away.
ReplyDeleteI know that this is probably the last thing that you want to think about at the moment (and it probably seems a little frivolous with all that you're going through)... but I wanted to include you in the nominations for this Blog Award to thank you for all your love and support in this little way... and for you to know that you're one of my dearest blogging friends. I would completely understand if you'd prefer not to do the award-thing... but please know that I'm here for you always.
http://newyearmum.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/awards-another-fun-distraction-in-my.html
Love to you always xoxo
I am so sorry. Please know that I think of you often. Praying for you right now.
ReplyDeleteI have spent the last few days reading your blog from start to finish and I think you are such a brave, strong mum and can't wait to hear of your surrogacy journey that will give you your bundle of joy. Stay strong xoxo
ReplyDeleteBecky, I think of you daily. I can't imagine what it's been like for you. I KNOW you'll get the chance, one day, to be the mother you should have been for Liam and Evelynn. You're a wonderful mother to those babies above, I know you'll be just as wonderful to earthly babies as well. Sending you lots of love!
ReplyDeleteHoping the time goes quickly for you as well - I never feel I have adequate words, but am thinking of you and your children often and hoping for happiness and hope in your future
ReplyDeleteI wish I could fast forward it all for you. I am thinking so much of you xo.
ReplyDeleteI wish we were closer so I could give you a big hug and tell you how sorry I am. I think of you all of the time. Evelynn and Liam are in my heart always. Praying that the next few months go by quickly for you and you will have the chance to bring a sweet little baby home. Much love, always.
ReplyDelete