Monday, June 18, 2012

Fathers Day and Back to Work

A father and his daughter the day after she was born.
Another Father's Day gone by, but his daughter is no longer in his arms:(

Hopefully next year on Father's Day, and Mother's Day, our carrier will at least be pregnant and maybe in 2014 those days will be the way they always should have been.

Last year on Father's Day Dereck, a good friend, and I did a March for Babies walk. We got shirts made to represent Team Liam AK and raised a ton of money. I had wanted to do another walk again this summer in memory of Liam, but this time I had hoped I would have had his baby sister along.

That same walk was again on Father's Day, but I didn't end up doing it this year and don't really plan on doing any of the others either. It's a great cause and maybe one day I'll do it again, but for now it just doesn't seem right. Maybe one day, when I have a take home baby that can walk with me. Suppose I'll need to get some new shirts made though, since next time we would be walking in memory of Liam and Evelynn.

But I guess as far as charities go, I may not be walking or raising money for the March for Babies in memory of my sweet babies, but I am donating all of Evelynn's breast milk. That in itself is even more rewarding to me, just like when I did the Kupple Korps program a few months after Liam passed away. Emotionally speaking, donating breast milk is a lot easier though.

First day back at work, again.

Wearing my scrubs that just 2 months ago weren't fitting very well. The tops were getting pretty tight and you could see my baby belly pushing against the front of them. The pants I could no longer wear as they were way too tight around the belly, hips, and butt region. They fit just perfectly now.

The first patient of the day has to say, "A different girl x-rayed me last time, you were out on pregnancy leave I guess. Did you just have a baby?" Of course no first day back at work could be complete without hearing a patient make a comment like that. So now who was the one at my work that actually told a new patient that I was on pregnancy leave?

Like last year I tried to prepare myself for how to respond to theses types of questions or comments. It never works though. All I could get out was a "ah, ah, ah, left knee okay, lay on the table". This time, like most things that are a repeat of last year, I just laugh about it. Laugh because this is my life and what I have to deal with, again, and it really sucks. But of course these things are going to happen, why would I expect things to be any different.

By about 3:00 I was beyond done with the day. It must have been bring your baby or your little girl to your appt with you day. Then one of our reps came walking in, who by the way is pregnant and showing quite nicely. That finally did it for me. Tears and more tears. I am really starting to regret that I got a job in the medical field. I really need a job where I work with one or two other people, preferably males, and have little to no chance of interaction with pregnant people or babies.

You know what is the worst thing about the first day back at work after you lost a baby, other than the obvious of course? It's the fact that it's the. first. fricken. day. The first of so many. It took a good 8-9 months last time for me to finally be more sociable with even my coworkers. Coworkers that I had worked with for the past 3+ years. The biggest reasoning for that even was because I got pregnant again and had something to feel hopeful about. We have to wait until January to even do our first transfer. Sorry coworkers, especially you two new people, don't expect much excitement from this girl. I'll be the one hiding out at my desk all day trying to avoid all social interaction except for when I have to x-ray a patient, and even then the less talk the better.

Also, is it bad that I am already thinking about what I will do with my job if the carrier gets pregnant and it seems things might actually work out?

Dereck had wanted me to completely quit my job and be a stay at home mom. I kept making excuses as to why I didn't want to do that. Excuses ranged from me being bored from always being home, that I needed more adult interaction, the extra money would be nice if daycare wasn't too expensive, worried about finding work when I did decide to go back. and so on. So I had it set up with my work that I would return mid-August.

Truth is that I would have loved to stay at home with my little girl and can guarantee I wouldn't have gone back. These excuses were crap. The main reason I didn't want to quit my job is because I was so worried that things were going to go bad again and if they did I would need my job to go back to..... and what do you know, I did.

So what do I do in regards to my job if the carrier gets pregnant? Most likely if it seems things are going to work out I will want to stay somewhere near her that last few weeks before she is due. That way I'll be there for the birth. I know this is too far in advance to be thinking about this but do I quit my job and hope to god that things work out or do I talk to my work and see if they will hold my job. They might think I am crazy if I ask that but it has happened to me twice now.

At least day one is over with.


  1. I hate that you have to think about those sorts of things. Nothing I can say will help (if I even knew what to say) so I just want to to know that I am here and to take the pain away xoxo

  2. Ugh, I remember dreading my first day back. But it as actually the second day that killed me. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this all over again. Thinking of you daily (not kidding when I say that! I really do think of you daily). Wishing you a bit of peace.

  3. I'm glad the first day back is over with. It is always difficult, especially with so many babies and children around. And the questions are just awful. I'm so sorry you have to go through that on top of everything else.

    I think about you, Dereck, Liam and Evelynn everyday.

  4. i'm always thinking of you and your amazing children. keeping you close to my heart now and always.

  5. I've been thinking about you a lot Becky and keeping your babies in my thoughts as well. That picture of Dereck and Evelynn is heartbreaking and sweet. You can see the love in his eyes. I'm sure Father's day was incredibly difficult and I'm sorry for that. I hope the interactions at work are few and far between from now on.

  6. First days are so tough. Even a couple months after I returned I would get the occasional "how's the baby doing?" glad you got the first day over - hoping the next few are gentle.

  7. I don't know if it works the same in the USA, but in the UK you can say you don't know if you'll be going back to work, and they have to keep the job open for you as long as you give them the right amount of notice. There might be something similar in the USA? No one can blame you for thinking the worst, but I hope with all my heart that when you quit that job to be a SAHM - you only walk back through the doors to show off your new baby/babies. Glad you made it through that first day back. xxx

  8. I, too, want you to be able to walk back through the door to show off your baby(ies).

    FMLA is what to look at in the US; no payment but job hold after short term disability.

    Your yearning is so palpable, beyond unfair. Hold tight.

    1. sadly I can't get FMLA because I work for too small of a company to get it. :(

  9. Sorry to hear that your first day back was tough. It sounds like you did great though. Hang in there.

  10. The first day back is so hard. I hope the rest of the week is easy on you. I'm always keeping you and your sweet babies in my thoughts.

  11. Going back to work is so hard. I hope the next days are easier, but I know there are always set backs. I remember thinking that it is so unfair to live through the loss of a child and then bear the burden of having to tell that story. I couldn't always do it, and I still struggle. I am thinking about you, and hoping you will also find the strength for grief therapy and to consider meds. My therapist helped so much, even on the days when I thought nothing could help me.

  12. I don't know where you live but maybe I can help you find a couple of surrogates? I was a surrogate and know quite a few all around the US. Feel free to contact me roadfamily6now at hotmail dot com



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