Fathers Day and Back to Work

A father and his daughter the day after she was born.

Another Father's Day gone by, but his daughter is no longer in his arms:(

Hopefully next year on Father's Day, and Mother's Day, our carrier will at least be pregnant and maybe in 2014 those days will be the way they always should have been.

Last year on Father's Day Dereck, a good friend, and I did a March for Babies walk. We got shirts made to represent Team Liam AK and raised a ton of money. I had wanted to do another walk again this summer in memory of Liam, but this time I had hoped I would have had his baby sister along.

That same walk was again on Father's Day, but I didn't end up doing it this year and don't really plan on doing any of the others either. It's a great cause and maybe one day I'll do it again, but for now it just doesn't seem right. Maybe one day, when I have a take home baby that can walk with me. Suppose I'll need to get some new shirts made though, since next time we would be walking in memory of Liam and Evelynn.

But I guess as far as charities go, I may not be walking or raising money for the March for Babies in memory of my sweet babies, but I am donating all of Evelynn's breast milk. That in itself is even more rewarding to me, just like when I did the Kupple Korps program a few months after Liam passed away. Emotionally speaking, donating breast milk is a lot easier though.


First day back at work, again.

Wearing my scrubs that just 2 months ago weren't fitting very well. The tops were getting pretty tight and you could see my baby belly pushing against the front of them. The pants I could no longer wear as they were way too tight around the belly, hips, and butt region. They fit just perfectly now.

The first patient of the day has to say, "A different girl x-rayed me last time, you were out on pregnancy leave I guess. Did you just have a baby?" Of course no first day back at work could be complete without hearing a patient make a comment like that. So now who was the one at my work that actually told a new patient that I was on pregnancy leave?

Like last year I tried to prepare myself for how to respond to theses types of questions or comments. It never works though. All I could get out was a "ah, ah, ah, left knee okay, lay on the table". This time, like most things that are a repeat of last year, I just laugh about it. Laugh because this is my life and what I have to deal with, again, and it really sucks. But of course these things are going to happen, why would I expect things to be any different.

By about 3:00 I was beyond done with the day. It must have been bring your baby or your little girl to your appt with you day. Then one of our reps came walking in, who by the way is pregnant and showing quite nicely. That finally did it for me. Tears and more tears. I am really starting to regret that I got a job in the medical field. I really need a job where I work with one or two other people, preferably males, and have little to no chance of interaction with pregnant people or babies.

You know what is the worst thing about the first day back at work after you lost a baby, other than the obvious of course? It's the fact that it's the. first. fricken. day. The first of so many. It took a good 8-9 months last time for me to finally be more sociable with even my coworkers. Coworkers that I had worked with for the past 3+ years. The biggest reasoning for that even was because I got pregnant again and had something to feel hopeful about. We have to wait until January to even do our first transfer. Sorry coworkers, especially you two new people, don't expect much excitement from this girl. I'll be the one hiding out at my desk all day trying to avoid all social interaction except for when I have to x-ray a patient, and even then the less talk the better.

Also, is it bad that I am already thinking about what I will do with my job if the carrier gets pregnant and it seems things might actually work out?

Dereck had wanted me to completely quit my job and be a stay at home mom. I kept making excuses as to why I didn't want to do that. Excuses ranged from me being bored from always being home, that I needed more adult interaction, the extra money would be nice if daycare wasn't too expensive, worried about finding work when I did decide to go back. and so on. So I had it set up with my work that I would return mid-August.

Truth is that I would have loved to stay at home with my little girl and can guarantee I wouldn't have gone back. These excuses were crap. The main reason I didn't want to quit my job is because I was so worried that things were going to go bad again and if they did I would need my job to go back to..... and what do you know, I did.

So what do I do in regards to my job if the carrier gets pregnant? Most likely if it seems things are going to work out I will want to stay somewhere near her that last few weeks before she is due. That way I'll be there for the birth. I know this is too far in advance to be thinking about this but do I quit my job and hope to god that things work out or do I talk to my work and see if they will hold my job. They might think I am crazy if I ask that but it has happened to me twice now.

At least day one is over with.