A Rough Day

Yesterday I would say was the worst day I have had so far. Even the night before I could tell the grief was slowly building up and was expecting a really bad day was coming. Dereck had to take a test all day for his job and so I was alone for the first time since Evelynn passed. I tried cleaning, but that was short lived as my mind wouldn't stop thinking about the what should've beens. I did manage to get that post out yesterday, but then just needed to get away from the computer. I went for a walk with a friend for about 45 minutes which was nice. I had wanted to go to Costco after but the fear of going anywhere alone where there were lots of people terrified me, so I had to go back home. Even the radio in the car ride home was driving me crazy and I had to drive in silence, which really wasn't much better. I ate, I pumped, and I tried to watch tv, but my mind just wouldn't stop. It sucks when the one thing that is making you feel crazy is the one thing that you can't get away from.

I decided at around 2:00 I would head to Walmart and try to get a few things I had wanted to get before I needed to go pick Dereck up. I really hate Walmart and questioning why I thought that I could actually go there and not end up bawling. First off the things I wanted to get were a bottle/nipple brush to clean my pump stuff with-of course I have to go to the baby section to get that, and then I wanted to get some little hangers to hang up Evelynn's clothes. So I was kind of setting myself up for sadness. It took me forever to get checked out since the lady checking out ahead of me decided to be a really big witch and was making a scene about how stupid she thought the cashier was. By the time I made it the car I was bawling and it did not stop for over an hour. I tried cooking dinner and the tears just kept on coming. I hate that feeling. I know its good to cry and get it out, but damn does it hurt to feel that way. That feeling like you have no control.

The same friend came over that evening and we went for another walk. Finally then I started to calm down a little. Once she left I started to work on the one project I have been meaning to get done. I needed those little hangers because I really wanted to hang up all of Evelynn's clothes. It was all washed and in bins because the nursery was still ripped up from the water damage we had. I didn't want to leave her clothes in them so that they would just get even more wrinkled so I hung all of her t-shirts and dresses up and laid all of her pants out in the dresser unfolded. I love her clothes, after all I picked them all out for her. I also went on to finish cleaning up the rest of the nursery putting away all the diapers, wipes, toys, blankets, and other baby supplies I had out ready to use. I also went through all the stuff we brought home from the hospital and put it all in its own bin. We have the pink blanket she was wrapped in and also the sleeper she wore the last day in the hospital in a plastic bag to keep it smelling as it did.

In her and Liam's room I also couldn't stop thinking about how just a few months ago I was saying how I didn't care that we had water damage and the nursery was ripped up. The only that mattered was that baby girl was alive and healthy. Fuck:(

I woke up feeling better today. I guess I was just due for a horribly bad day. I was able to even sleep in today, all the crying must have really tired me out. I went into my work today and talked to my boss about coming back. I really wish I didn't have to, it obviously wasn't in the "plan", but I needed to, especially if Dereck was going back to work. I am going to be off for one more week. I made it through it last year and then I was back in 6 weeks, it'll now be over 8 weeks. I am just so nervous and anxious about going through this all again and seeing patients that might have just assumed I was out on pregnancy leave.

I dropped off 144 ounces of milk today for the milk donation program I am in. I have now donated over 500 ounces since I started donating on May 9th. I am able to pump about a gallon a week. It's definitely frustrating at times but it really does make me feel good that all of Evelynn's milk is going to help other babies. My goal is to be able to donate at least 12-15 gallons before I have to quit and start my hormones for the egg retrieval/IVF stuff.

Went back to grief group tonight. It really sucks to be here again when I had told everyone before Evelynn was born how it would be awhile before they saw us again, and there we were. I also feel like if anyone there were to say they were pregnant I could no longer go. I couldn't handle it and would be of no support anyways. It isn't fair to them because they were all there for me through mine.