Happiness and Hope

It's hard to believe that just under two months ago I was filled with so much happiness. Happiness, joy, and excitement for my little girl.

I often wonder if I'll ever be truly happy again.

It's easy for everyone to say that they know it will happen for us or that next time things will be just fine, but how the hell the do they really know? Don't get me wrong it's good to be optimistic. The last couple months of my pregnancy I was. When I woke up in recovery I was. I was so happy to have heard that my daughter was still alive. I actually got to hold my living baby girl in my arms. I was so happy and so hopeful that she was going to pull through.

I want that happiness back, I want the hope back.

Grief sucks!

I have had quite a few days this past week and a half where the grief was really getting the best of me. I hate it when it consumes me to the point I can't even think straight and want something that will just take all of my pain away. I don't handle stress well, so what do I do? I turn to my husband and take it out on him. I expect him to be there to comfort me and make me feel instantly better, not thinking once about how he must be feeling. I get angry because I assume that because he isn't grieving the same as me that he just wants to forget Evelynn and move on. I also get angry when he tells me that he doesn't know what to do for me and that maybe I should see a counselor, take my Xanax, or get on antidepressants. Hearing that makes me even more angry. I even got to the point that I felt that maybe the best thing for me would be to just check myself in at the mental hospital because I am sick of feeling this way and feeling so alone. Or just feeling that maybe meds wouldn't be the worst thing because I could just numb all my pain away. Fear was even setting in that maybe we aren't strong enough as a couple to get through this a second time.

Grief can be so hard on a relationship. We got through it last time and I know we can get through it again. We have since had a really good talk about everything. I am going to try and get in with a new grief counselor or even just start seeing my grief group coordinator once a week because she said she would be willing to talk with me as well. I have also decided that once he goes back to work I will try to be less stubborn with the whole taking meds if needed thing.

I know I need to get a handle on it because the oh woe's me pity party I keep throwing for myself isn't going to get me anywhere.

This quote seemed quite fitting to how I felt this past week:

"The tragedy of life is not death...but what we let die inside of us while we live."

I wrote that first half a few days ago. I was clearly feeling really pathetically sorry for myself. 

Then Thursday happened:

First, a blm friend texted me to let me know she was still thinking about me and that she is always there for me if I ever need someone to talk to. She has her rainbow now and I honestly thought that she moved on and forgot about me. I really thought that since she was finally in a better place in her life that she didn't care about me, my babies, and the heartache I was feeling. What a crappy friend I am. Kristin if you read this-that text meant so much to me.

Second, my friend, my coworker, who was due 4 days ago, also texted me saying that she was just thinking about me. That's always nice to hear.

Third, talked for 2 hours on the phone with a girl from Illinois who has been a gestational carrier 3 times, twice with a singleton and once with twins. She was so awesome to talk with. Definitely the type of person you want to have as your carrier. I learned so much from her and not just about the law, money, ins., and medical side of it, but also about her relationships with the intended parents. I want to be able to have a good relationship with my carrier so it was good to hear about her experiences with each couple she carried for. She even told me she would get in touch with her friend who went through the gestational carrier process a couple of years ago and see if she would speak with me about her experience as an intended parent. Erin if you read this-you totally made my night.

I also got mine and Evelynn's medical records. I tried to make sense of them the best I could. Wouldn't say anything about reading them made me feel "good" but glad I have them now.

Then Friday happened:

I finally made it in to see my Ob for my c-section/uterine rupture follow up. I was really worried about it. It sucks to go back to your Ob's office, for the second year in a row at that, after you lost a baby and have to see other pregnant women or babies and know that should be you.

I had a lot to talk to her about. I needed to get on birth control. I had to tell her about our visit with the fertility clinic in MN, that she most likely can do all my pre- egg retrieval stuff, that we have a potential carrier, and that if everything goes as planned we can do a transfer in January. I asked her about my rupture. I have been talked to about it several times but don't remember much of anything that was said. Then I had to ask the big one, the big "how do you truly feel about me getting pregnant again?"

I had asked my Peri here in Alaska that question the other week and she still highly advised me against it. My Ob on the other hand said that my Peri from the fetal surgery really thought I could have a good outcome with a pregnancy after rupture(PAR) and she thought so as well. She was so optimistic about it. She really thinks that if I were to wait 2 years, be on hospital bed rest at 28 weeks on, and deliver no later than 34 weeks, that things will work out. 

Just hearing her say that she truly believes we could have a successful PAR work out made me feel that even if I never get pregnant again it will be because I made the decision not to, not because the doctor told me not to.

We are still going to go ahead with the gestational carrier though, it truly is the safest route.

So even though my husband had to leave to go back to work yesterday, the stream events that have occurred the last two days have somehow left me with this sense of hope, maybe even a little happiness. Not sure how long it will last, but I'll take it.