4 Months and I'm Just Trying To Imagine......

What is it like to be 7, 8, and 9 months pregnant? 
What is it like to give birth and to hear those beautiful first cries?
I have absolutely no idea, but I would like the chance to find out.
For now I just get to try an imagine
People have said to me that they can't imagine what it would be like to lose a child.
I am just trying to imagine what it would be like to have a living one.
Too have the chance to love a living child that I can hold in my arms and to be able to kiss goodnight.
I am just trying to imagine, what does that even feel like?
Don't tell me how difficult it is to be a parent and what a pain they can be.
Try being a parent to a baby in heaven.
Trying to find ways to love, honor, and remember isn't exactly easy.
What would it be like?
I am trying to imagine....but for now I only know what I know

My sweet Liam,
Today marks four months. Can it really be that you have been gone for a quarter of the year already? I keep thinking about where we would be had you lived, it's hard not to think about. I feel that I have moved on from the both the anger and blame stages of my grief, but also wouldn't say I have fully accepted that you are no longer here, although what other choice do I have. Mommy just misses you so much sweetheart.
This past week I have been incredibly tired. I can't seem to get enough sleep to ever feel fully awake or energized. I have barely got out this past week besides work and have hardly done anything with friends either, I just have been so tired. Your dad and I joined a softball team, hopefully this will be good for us, and it also forces us to get out since we can't let the team down.
I have also been having crazy potato cravings. It makes me think even more about when I was pregnant with you. I was never much of a potato or salt eater, but when I got pregnant that's the only thing I wanted-potatoes, french fries, and chips. Between being so tired and these cravings I'd swear I was pregnant again, it all just makes me think about you more.
The first big holiday, Easter, has passed and now Mothers Day is coming up, followed by your burial a week later. I am not sure what we are going to do on Mothers Day yet, but I want it to be special, after all I am a mother now. I am just happy dad will be home with me on that day. I have been trying to work on some stuff for your burial to make it as special as possible. Although that week will have much sadness, I am happy knowing I'll get to be closer to you for a few days.
I love you and miss you so much Liam,
Love, Mom