Ripping Off The Scab

Tomorrow will be May 16th, a day I'll always remember, because tomorrow is Liam's burial. It marks 4 months and 13 days since he was born and passed away and exactly 4 months and 2 days since his funeral. For the past how many weeks, even after the funeral, I had thought about  how I was kind of glad in a way that we couldn't bury Liam that same day or even week since the ground was frozen and we'd have to come back in spring for the burial. I thought it'd be nice to be able to come back and see family, it'd be nice to have a break from work and from the way my life had changed since Liam died, and also just thought it'd be nice to come back and see his little coffin and be close to him again.

Dereck and I flew into Minnesota on Saturday afternoon and drove up to North Dakota to Derecks Grandma's. The next morning, today, we got up, had breakfast, and worked on a few of the things we wanted to get done before the burial tomorrow. We went to Michael's and they are working on framing Liam's banner for tomorrow. We also went to the cemetery and checked out the family burial plot so I could see where Liam is going to be buried; he is going to be buried on top of Dereck's father. The cemetery already even had the hole dug in the ground where my baby will soon be. We walked around and checked out different headstones to get and idea of what we might want to get for Liam's and we also walked through Babyland and looked at all of the graves that held so many other little ones that had to leave their families years too soon. I started getting pretty emotional walking through there. This just sucks, we are too young to be burying our child and Liam was just to young, we should be running around and tired taking care of a baby, not burying one.

We then went to the flower shop and went over our plans with the florist about the flowers I want on Liam's bamboo cross. I loved the bamboo cross we had made and filled with flowers for the funeral, so we saved it and are having it filled with new spring flowers. We also bought some flowers that we went and planted next to the gravestones tonight so that there wold be some other fresh flowers around also.

Once we were finished with that stuff we went back to Derecks grandmas and ate and then I decided I needed to get out for a jog. Dereck went with me, I tried jogging for awhile but just couldn't find the energy to continue. It felt good to walk, but walking can lead to lots and lots of thinking, which is exactly what I did. I pretty much cried my eyes out as I walked down the sidewalk, walking past all of the happy people out with family and friends enjoying the warm sunny day, and all I can think about is how did my life come to this, why me?

All those past thoughts I had about wanting to come back for the burial are not the same anymore. I mean I am happy in a way to see family and I really did need a vacation from work and life, but this really isn't what I needed. Dereck said in a way its like picking a scab off of a healing wound. I guess he's right on that. I have been slowing starting to feel like I am having more and more better moments but emotionally right now I feel like I am back to where I was when we were preparing for the funeral. What we are doing now makes me feel like I felt when we first came home from the hospital and San Fran. Going to the florist and picking out flowers and also going to a few stores to buy clothes and other various things for the funeral. I remember how slow I walked then since I had just had a c-section the week earlier. The last time I was in this same Wal-Mart and Michael's I had used the electric wheelchairs to get around because I was so exhausted and already had been doing more walking than my doctors recommended.

Many of these actions and feelings are the same as they were 4 months ago. I am even getting the feelings back where I am dreading going to bed because tomorrow is another day here where I have to wake up without Liam, and now tomorrow I have to walk up and get ready for the burial. I don't even know what to think right now, just nothing about this is right, and I hate it, but I am trying to do my best to give Liam a beautiful burial ,just like I did with his funeral because he deserves the best, and its one of the few things I get to still do for my baby.

My sweet Liam,
Mommy is so happy, if you can call it happy, to see you tomorrow. I would much rather have you in my arms, but it'll be nice to know that after tomorrow you will be out of the funeral home and buried next to other family. I hope you love everything I picked out for you for your burial.
Love Mom