My heart is so broken. To think its been a little more than a month since you were born and exactly one month since we had to let you go. I wish I could go back and have one more day to hold your warm, perfect, little, baby body. I think about you all the time and am having a hard time letting go of all the plans I had for us this summer, next winter, next year, and so on. I had the next two years of your (our) life planned out already. So many thoughts and plans for your future, I don't want to let them go.
Love you and miss you always my sweet Evelynn.
I am still not sleeping very well. I guess the pumping isn't exactly helping since I've been going to bed around 12-1am, getting up in the middle of the night to pump around 3-5am, and then again between 7-9am depending on the time of the last one. Usually by that second pump I can't fall back asleep even though I still feel incredibly tired. I keep making the mistake of checking Facebook or reading a blog or two during those pumping sessions and see something that makes me sad, like talk of or a picture of a baby, and then I get depressed. If I am lucky enough to fall back asleep it isn't for long and it isn't good. I end up getting those anxiety panicky attacks I got the first week after we came home from the hospital again. I still have the Xanax that I could take, and know it will help, but if I take it then I have to throw away my milk for the next three days because the milk donation place has strict guidelines. I know what's best for me is to probably just take the meds and dump the milk because the sleep would really do me good, but I am determined to do this as long as I can and donate as much as possible. Which by the way I have already collected over 2 gallons of Evelynn's milk to donate. Although my klutziness has returned and I have managed to spill quite a few ounces which frustrates me even more.
I decided that I need to take a break from the blog world for awhile. By that I mean take a break from reading the majority of everyone else's blogs that I have followed for the past year or so. I will still continue to write on my own though. I love my blog and it is a place I have been able to go to and process my grief but also a place to meet others who were in a similar situation. It will still be used as a place for me to remember my sweet Liam, sadly a place to now remember my sweet Evelynn, my life after a uterine rupture, and also now my husbands and my journey into the world of IVF with a gestational carrier.
To all you mommas that have been on this baby loss/ pregnancy after baby loss journey with me: I would've never made it through this past year without your support, and even though we have never met in person I consider you all the most amazing friends. I keep trying to read all of your new posts, whether they are related to your rainbows or not, they all just seem to cause me so much heartache. Please don't take this the wrong way, I truly am happy for you all and I hope you all understand why I am no longer commenting on your posts. I wish it didn't have to be this way and maybe it won't always be, but for now I just need to take a step back and take break from it all.
When I feel up to it I am going to start the search for blogs that once again relate to my own situation. Blogs of interest to me will now be more about recent uterine ruptures that resulted in baby loss, blogs with said mom wanting to get pregnant again and were advised not to, and also blogs about families trying to have a baby through the use of a gestational carrier. If anyone happens to come across a blog related to any of these topics I'd love it if you could pass it on to me. Hopefully one day I'll finally get lucky enough to have a baby to take home and share in that same joy. And as always, all of your precious babies will always be in my thoughts and will never be forgotten.
I also mentioned in my last post about Facebook being hard on me as well. With Liam I never cancelled my account but just looked at it less often. I would love to just cancel it now because it really does just depress me with all of the happy baby posts that seem to be like every third post I read. Also all of the people that just go on there and complain have become even more annoying. I will not be deleting it though because I found a uterine rupture support group on there and think it'll be beneficial for me to talk to these ladies who have been through it or are now just going through it as well. I just won't be reading anymore status updates. I have joined a uterine rupture support group through Yahoo as well.
I've been thinking a lot about the direction that my blog was going in towards the end of my pregnancy with Evelynn. I remember telling Dereck how I felt like I lived in blog land for so long after Liam passed. I was posting constantly and also searching for and reading blogs like crazy. Hours a day for many months on end were spent at the computer. I wanted so badly to find as many people as possible who had stories like mine. As time went on and I got pregnant again I soon started writing more about all my worries with that pregnancy. Eventually my posts turned into a weekly update mentioning what happened at a recent Dr. appt. or just that another week of pregnancy had gone by. I thought that was a sign of healing, maybe it was. I had wondered what my blog would be like after Evelynn was born. How often then would I be writing on it? Would I be writing a lot about Evelynn and sharing tons of pics of her or would I go back to writing mostly about Liam and how much I miss him? I have since went from barely writing on my blog to having so much to write about that I could post something almost daily, if I had the energy. Not really sure what direction my blog would've went in but this definitely wasn't the intended direction.
Brooke, Sonja, Laura, Natasha, Jessica, Tiffany, Molly, Brandy, and Mary,
Thank you so much for the care package of ham, cheese, potatoes, cake, and sauces. That was sweet of all of you. It will all be enjoyed this Memorial weekend with family.