Thoughts

I am just so screwed up right now. The amount of thoughts running through my head these days are making me feel like I am for sure going in the direction of crazy.

Here I am yet again bawling my eyes out. The reason is the same as it was yesterday afternoon, not that I don't have enough of a reason already. My blm friend, the one who I had mentioned a couple posts back about how I was going to meet this summer with Evelynn, had her baby yesterday. I have wrote posts like this before and am sure I will have many more like this about how happy I am for her and her husband. They have been through babyloss and have waited years to get to this point, but I just can't hold back the tears of how angry I am at my own situation. I went through this all last year after the loss of Liam, although most people I knew at that time had never dealt with baby loss. They were all just friends or family that were pregnant at the same time as me but in the end there babies lived and mine died. This time around there were pregnant IRL friends again but also now there was this whole world of babyloss mom friends who were also pregnant. Everyone has there babies and I am left sitting here trying to deal with that fine line that separates my happiness for them but the jealousy and anger that I hold within myself.

I had finally been okay with facebook again and was awaiting the moment I could finally announce to the world that Evelynn was here. I still did, in a sense, but through her NILMDTS pictures. When your a blm facebook can seem more like the bearer of bad news than good, especially when you keep losing out on the chance to post about the one thing you have always wanted to. Speaking of facebook, did anyone else read the article about the women who got kicked off of facebook because she had posted her babies NILMDTS pictures? Such fricken bullshit! Mine are still there, along with all of Liam's pictures, and if someone wants to report me because they just can't handle pictures being posted from a mom who just wants to share a few pictures of her babies short, yet beautiful life, they have real issues. Or maybe just don't look at them at all then if your going to be that insensitive!

My days since the burial, and even before that I guess, have been filled with thoughts of doing the whole gestational carrier/IVF process to just saying screw what doctors tell me and just try to get pregnant again, or do both. The second can be life threatening to me and the baby but I want so badly to have that ideal childbirth I always wanted. The one I was supposed to have with Evelynn where I would go in for my scheduled c-section and then the doctors would hold my baby girl up and I'd get to see her on the outside for the very first time. She would be screaming. The doctors would clean her up and then she would get handed to me and Dereck. Then in a few short days we would all go home and love on her like crazy. I still have yet to see either of my babies eyes. I want so badly to look into there eyes and for them to be able to look into mine and just see me. I know that they got to feel me, my love, and every other emotion I felt from the inside but they never got the chance to see me. I also want the chance to hear one of babies cry. I have never got to hear that sweet sound and so desperately want to. I know not everyone gets there ideal childbirth, really I just want one that doesn't end in a tragedy.

I have been doing crazy amounts of research about pregnancy after uterine ruptures and with my luck I know it would be the stupidest thing for me to probably do, but there is the chance everything could work out next time. It could, or it could not, work out is the problem? As with anything there is no guarantee and I could never live with myself if I lost another baby because I didn't listen to the doctors. I know getting a gestational carrier is the right way, the smart way, to go about this but honestly I can't help but think about the rupture taking so much more from me. If my daughter would have survived and they told me to never use my uterus again I would have hated to hear that but at least I had my daughter. Losing both my babies and also getting told to never use my uterus again seems unbearable. I know there are many women out there who have struggled with infertility for years. I even follow a few blogs of women who have gone through babyloss and struggle with infertility, but I can't help but feel like less of a women because I can't/shouldn't carry a baby on my own. I also know there are plenty of women out there though who have never had or will have the chance to even be pregnant once. I feel horrible for those women as well and I should probably feel grateful that I was able to at least know what it was like to carry a baby.

It is one thing for you to decide on your own that you are done having kids or don't want to be pregnant again. It is another to have someone tell you that you should be done. I have cried many tears already over this and it breaks my heart even more to think I might never be able to feel those sweet kicks from my growing baby ever again. I know if we go the route of getting a gestational carrier and everything works out the end result will be the same, a living, healthy, take home baby and that's the important thing, but what if things don't work out? I went through the whole last pregnancy with people telling me to be optimistic, that last time was a fluke, and there is no way anything will go wrong this time. No matter which route we choose I am not going to believe any of that crap until I am told the baby is healthy and can leave the hospital with us.

I can tell that I think about all of this way too much because it is all reflected in my dreams. I have had dreams already of getting a GC (gestational carrier) and going through the process, but for some reason I never get to see how things turn out. Did the baby live, is everything okay? My most recent dream was about me getting pregnant again. In my dream I went to the hospital, I think I was about 35 weeks pregnant. I told the doctors I was there for my scheduled c-section and they brought me into the OR and got an epidural placed. I ended up texting Dereck because he wasn't there and let him know I was at the hospital if he was able to make it. Then the doctors and staff just started chatting and walking around doing random other things besides my c-section. I tried to tell them that my uterus could rupture any time and we needed to get moving on this. They did end up telling me I was having a boy though and I got excited because we already had a named picked out for him. Then everyone decided that they wanted to play this game that was like scrabble but with these weird cube/pyramid like pieces. I even joined in but had a hard time understanding how the game worked. Then the dream was over and I woke up again wondering why I just can't ever get to the point in my dream where I can see the end result. Did my baby live, did everything go okay? So frustrating.

I have also been thinking a lot about other ways in which we can get money to cover the cost of the GC/IVF process. I have already gone online and printed out quite a few applications for grants that were created for people to use for IVF type treatments. After speaking to the GC attorney the other week she told me that from hearing our story alone puts us in the top 10% for winning one of those grants. She is on the committee for a couple of them and even though most of the grants call for a clear diagnosis of infertility, our story because of our circumstances, an exception would get made.

Another thought that I had was looking into egg donation. Do I sound crazy yet? Yes, I have already researched it as well and one of the IVF clinics I am looking at does it. Yes, there is the fact that getting money for this would be nice but I also know how important it is for people to be able to have a family. Although I doubt I would even get accepted because of the cataracts that runs in my family, also the fact that my mental state isn't exactly the best these days, and I am getting up there in age. Maybe its a crazy thought but I was just thinking that since I have to get all pumped on hormones any way to do the egg retrieval, and if I have a good amount retrieved, I could just as well help a family in need at the same time. Geez, now that I type that out I feel like this is sounding a bit crazy.

I still have so much more I want to write about; the funeral, the burial, more random thoughts, and everything we have learned so far about using a gestational carrier. I am using the term gestational carrier instead of surrogacy now because I have learned that GC is not only the new term for a form of surrogacy but also that surrogacy is illegal in most states. So when referring to having someone else carry you and your husbands baby(s) you need to use the correct terminology or you can get in big trouble.