I don't even know how I feel right now. I am filled with so many emotions and thoughts of what could have been and what should have been. Filled with so much anger, sadness, disbelief that this is my life, and that this happened to my husband and I again.
I hate that I know how to grieve so well and what to expect for the days ahead. I have gone through this before. I feel so knowledgeable in this area and no one should be that knowledgeable.
Part of me is glad that I knew what I wanted for Evelynn when I knew she wasn't going to make it. I knew I wanted as many pictures as possible of her, including the NILMDTS ones. I knew how important it was cherish the moments of just cuddling her, kissing her, and telling her I loved her. I loved that I had the chance to give her her first and only bath and brush her beautiful head of hair. These memories I have will have forever and so happy that I have them. I didn't do any of this with Liam because I was so angry that he had died and it is something that I still regret.
Part of me hates myself for actually believing that things would work out this time. At the same time though, I loved that I got to that point that I honestly believed things were going to work out and that my baby would be born alive and healthy. Evelynn deserved a mom that was excited for her and was truly happy again. It had been so long that I had felt that way and I am glad that she was able to feel all of the love that I had for her.
Then there is the blame and guilt. I know its not helpful and I blamed myself for a long time after Liam died. I had defended the fetal surgery even though my baby died in it. I just kept telling myself that even though Liam didn't make it there are so many babies whose lives are better because of it. Now all I want to do is scream about how badly I hate that stupid surgery because it not only took Liam from me but now it took Evelynn. After all it was that stupid fetal surgery incision that ruptured that led to my babies brain damage and all too early demise. I know I can't sit and blame them forever but part of me wishes they would have told me to wait 2 years to get pregnant again, or even just one, but not 6 months like they had. I would've hated waiting so long but maybe my uterus would've been a lot stronger by then.
Part of me also wants to just blame myself because I feel that since I let myself get so happy and was believing that things were going to work out that I wasn't being as proactive as I once was. For a long time I was so paranoid about every little thing that I am afraid I missed something. Something that was telling me my daughter was in distress and needed my help but I just wrote it off as normal pregnancy aches and pain, after all I was 36 weeks pregnant, I am not supposed to be comfortable. I keep looking back at the days leading up to my uterus rupturing and her being born. I didn't feel good either day after my steroid shots but just assumed it was from the shots and not a huge deal. Although I remember telling Dereck I was scared to get the shots because last time I got them, not that they had anything to do with Liam's death, but just the fact that I got them and then 2 days later Liam died. Well what do ya know, 2 days after I got them my uterus ruptured. On Saturday my abdomen felt tight but just assumed it was pregnancy because my baby was supposed to be growing about a half a pound a week and is running out of room. I had even gone to a baby shower that afternoon and was majorly uncomfortable, but just kept saying it's because I am pregnant. Sunday afternoon my back and abdomen hurt again but I had also spent my morning cleaning and also had taken the dogs for a good walk. By that evening I was still really uncomfortable and decided maybe another walk and fresh air would help. A few hours after that while laying on the couch is when the stabbing pain started and led up to my rupture. I think about that so often and wonder if all of that was a sign that I needed to have gone in and get looked at sooner and then my daughter would be here with me today. My Ob Dr. keeps telling me to just remember that I am only human, that I am not a Dr, and that even Dr.'s don't know everything. She told to just remember that I loved my daughter and if I truly felt something was wrong I would've went in, but I just didn't know. I keep trying to tell myself that and repeat it over and over again, "I loved my daughter, I loved my daughter, I loved my daughter". I just want her here so badly.
Since coming home from the hospital all of the reminders of what should have been are there, again. I feel like they are just mocking me in a way. Laughing in my face. I even have caught myself laughing at the stupidity of it. Of course the mailbox is going to be full of things from Motherhood Maternity and Babies 'R' Us. Why wouldn't they be? I mean for second year in a row now I am supposed to have a baby. It's not like they were going to be gone like those places some how knew that my baby had died and immediately took me off of there mailing list. I am sure any day now the hospital bills are going to start rolling in again also, just like they did with Liam. I also just loved it when I was getting discharged from the hospital and the nurse gives me my discharge instructions. I read them over and sure enough on the last page under future appts it lists my scheduled c-section for April 28th. Shouldn't the nurses have saw that before handing it to me. It just pisses me off how they were right there, they knew I lost my baby, and yet they couldn't even see that on my paperwork and think that is something that should be removed. Like I said though, I more less saw that and laughed because that is just how it is, and it sucks, but did I really think things would be different this time.
I am barely sleeping it seems. Once I left the hospital after losing Liam all I wanted to do was sleep and that's all I want to do now, but for some reason I can't. I have this crazy energy but yet nothing I feel is worth using it up on. It has been a few days since I last had one, but for awhile there I would wake up in the middle of the night very panicky. I would be thinking about Evelynn and everything that has happened and every time I would close my eyes my body would just shake. I also hate taking any kind of meds if I don't have to, but I was relying on the Xanax that my Dr. gave me to calm down enough so that I could fall back asleep for at least another few hours. The Xanax seems to help. I just hate feeling this way and hate even more that I feel I have to take Xanax to take away the pain I feel. I have been through this before and I don't want to hurt and feel that pain either.
I am just so tired of being tired and sad. I was feeling like finally I could start being that better friend. I have such wonderful friends and they have been there for me so much this past year. Yet, I feel like I know nothing about them because for so long I have been wrapped up in my own world of sadness. I kept telling myself that once Evelynn was here I was going to be a better friend, I just needed to get through my pregnancy and have her home and life would be better. Here I am though, baby-less and sad once again. All of my wonderful friends are there for me again, and I am so grateful that I have them, by why did it have to be this way. Evelynn was supposed to be here. The same goes for a lot of family. I haven't seen some of them in so long or talked with any of them. I didn't want to send out Christmas cards, birthday cards, graduation cards, or even a friendly email just letting people know we are still here, I just didn't care. All of that stuff was happy stuff and I was not happy. This year was supposed to be different.
I know from reading other blogs, comments that have been left on my blog already, and through emails that others have gotten pregnant after having a uterine rupture and had good outcomes. Majority of my Dr.'s told me that they highly advise against me getting pregnant again, except my one Ob Dr. who said if I absolutely want to try again, even though she prefers I don't, I should wait at least 2 years. If I then get pregnant I will be put on hospital bed rest once the baby reaches viability and get monitored constantly, then when the baby reaches 34 weeks we would do a c-section then. It is an option, but I don't want to wait 2+ years to have a baby. I have wanted kids my whole life and have waited long enough. Also there is no guarantee that if I were to get pregnant again that it would work this time. I don't even think in 2 years my mental state could handle being pregnant again. It wasn't until I reached about 7 months in my pregnancy with Evelynn before I finally felt more relaxed and at ease with everything. I don't think that would happen at all with another pregnancy and then being in a hospital with even less options to keep myself distracted would be near impossible. Or what if I did get pregnant and my uterus ruptured again and my baby lived but had major impairments. I don't know if I could live with that knowing I did that to my baby because I didn't listen to the doctors. I just don't think it'll ever be an option.
There is always adoption. I am scared of that also though. What if the mom changes her mind and after a couple days of having a baby home with us she comes and takes him/her away. It would be like losing my babies all over again. I also feel like I would be super picky. I probably shouldn't be but I have always wanted my own kids that looked like me, even sometimes acted like me, and I would be able to see so much of myself and Dereck in them. It is an option but I really truly just want my own babies and after seeing just how beautiful they both are, how could I not?
Surrogacy seems like the best option as of now. It is a long, expensive process, but in the end the baby(s) would be completely genetically our own. I hate to talk about financial problems on here but I hate that it is so easy for some to have babies and it barely costs a thing. Liam's fetal surgery alone set us back, but we are doing okay, Evelynn's medical bills will soon be coming, and now trying to come up with the money for a surrogate just makes me want to cry. At the same time though it is the only thing right now that I have any hope in. We will make it work because we want our family and even though we might not be able to take vacations and buy our kids much, but they will be loved, and I think that is the only thing that truly matters. In the 2 weeks since Evelynn passed away we've learned so much about surrogacy. We have already met with a gestational carrier here in Alaska that is willing to do it for us and this Thursday we already are having a two hour phone consult with one of the best attorneys in the country for surrogacy. We have also been researching hospitals in both Minnesota and Washington comparing IVF success rates. I know this is also a scary road and even once we get started pregnancy is still 9 months of me waiting and hoping that everything will be fine. I am afraid I'll even drive the surrogate crazy because I will be so overly paranoid. I will talk in more detail on this later, especially once we learn more.
One thing that is keeping me going right now is that I have been pumping my breast milk and donating it to the NICU babies. I knew I wanted to do that as soon as I knew Evelynn wasn't going to make it. I wanted so badly to breastfeed her and know the importance of breastfeeding, so in her memory I wanted to do this for her. I signed up through the milk donation program that runs through the Mother's Milk Bank in Denver, CO and will be starting to donate my milk shortly. In the meantime I was also able to help a local who was in search of extra breast milk because she wasn't producing enough to feed her baby. So far it has gone really well and I really think I'll be able to stick with this for quite awhile. It feels good knowing I am helping other babies have a better start.
My sweet Evelynn,
How can it be that it has already been more than 2 weeks since you were born with today marking exactly 2 weeks since we had to pull you off of life support and you joined your brother in heaven. I hate this so much. This is not how it was supposed to be. I was so ready for you baby girl. I would've given you so much love and would've spoiled you rotten. You will always be my baby girl, I will always love you, and I am so grateful for the days that I got to spend with you. I just want more.
Hope you and Liam and are having lots of fun together.
Love you forever baby girl,