Saturday, May 26, 2012

Right Where I Am

Angie from still life with circles created this project last year and has now brought it back for Right Where I Am 2012.

It's been 1 year, 4 months, 3 weeks, and 2 days since losing my son and 1 month and 2 days since losing my daughter.

If my daughter had lived I'd probably be writing about how I still miss my son so much but that having his sister here has helped me heal, because that's exactly how I was feeling the last few months of my pregnancy with her. I had finally felt truly happy for the first time since before his passing.

Since I lost Evelynn, my precious rainbow baby, I am angry, even more so, than I was after losing Liam because your. rainbow. isn't. supposed. to. die.! Losing her to a uterine rupture just days before my scheduled c-section has made me furious at the world more than I ever thought I could be. I wonder everyday how I managed to live through the loss of one baby, but how do you even manage to live through the loss of two?

I wake up everyday hoping that it was all just a bad dream. I still miss my son and its not that I have completely accepted his loss but I really miss my daughter right now. Plus, I went through this all last year after he passed away. I know how this grief process works and I don't want to go through it again. It is a long, hard, exceptionally painful process and its eating me up inside just thinking about the days ahead. She was so close to coming home. I am having a hard time letting go of the life I had planned for her. I want that life, not the one I am living once again. I will never be accepting of this.

The crying in the shower is back along with all the painful reminders of what I don't have. I am feeling bitter once again toward all the happy people in the world that don't know what this pain feels like. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere anymore. I am stuck once again while everyone else's lives seem to keep moving forward.

The only thing that's keeping me somewhat going, that gets me up in the day, is researching IVF with a gestational carrier, aka gestational surrogacy. It's a long process with no guarantees but its something for me to concentrate on.

I am just trying to find hope that one day I will have a living take home baby in my arms, but its hard to find hope in anything when you know firsthand that lightening really can strike twice. And who's to say it won't happen for a third time.

So how do I feel right now?
Angry, beaten down, stomped on, and left behind doesn't even begin to describe how I feel....but I love and miss my babies and for them I know I can get through this.

Here is my post from last year.

32 comments:

  1. Words can't begin to describe how heartbroken we are for you. I feel like I don't even have the words to offer any kind of support or understanding. I am just in complete shock over Evelynn's loss and am so, so, so inadequately sorry. Love to you guys.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Becky, my heart breaks for you and your husband. I was so shocked when I heard the news about sweet Evelynn. I cannot believe this has happened to the same couple TWICE. It sucks. So much. I know what you mean about not fitting in anywhere. Not because I have lost my rainbow baby, but because I am unmarried and not in a place to try for a rainbow baby. I don't know if and when that will ever happen. It just sucks to see other people that had losses around (or after) the time I did, already have another or pregnant with one...or at least trying. I am not like typical 22-year-olds and not like babyloss moms. Where do I fit in. Anyways, you are on my heart, as are your sweet babies.

    Much love and hugs,
    Hannah Rose

    ReplyDelete
  3. So many, many hugs for you!!! This is simply NOT fair. You have had an influence on my life......I think of you when my days are tiring and stressful and I remember Liam and Evelyn and I appreciate every tough moment.... They ARE NOT forgotten and I will hold a small place in my heart for them always...their lives have made my life better....I hope this is not too intense coming from a stranger.

    ReplyDelete
  4. So heartbreaking, we are thinking of you and precious Evelynn and Liam.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thinking of you with all my heart dear Becky xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  6. Incredibly heartbreaking. I don't blame you one little bit for how you're feeling right now. I think it is incredible you're even here blogging and sharing your heartbreak with us.
    You consume my thoughts daily.
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  7. I thought of you when I wrote my own post about this, and I hoped you'd post too.. I think of you often.

    After my son died, I received a card from a woman who lives on my Mom's street. She wrote me a beautiful letter, and said that she had lost a little girl ten years ago. I don't know any details, she offered that I could go and see her, but I haven't worked up the courage yet. The reason I'm telling you, is that I think of one thing she said, daily. "You will never get over it, you will always be changed, and different. But one day, slowly, your life will start to grow around it." What you said about getting through this, for Liam and Evelynn, made me think of what she said. The strength within you that keeps you carrying on, for Liam and Evelynn, will allow your life to grow around your heartbreaking loss, one day. You and your babies are remembered by so many people.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh god...left behind. Traveling the same @#$@**!! road that you've been forced to travel before - KNOWING the scenery this time. All consuming anger.
    Yes.
    It takes no time at all for me to access that anger nor to imagine traveling that road again. Maybe because I'm still on it and every so often feel like I landed on a space that sends me back to the beginning. A Chutes & Ladders kind of existence. And oh, the feeling of being left behind. My friends' children are 10+ years old now, those in my infertility group coming on 4 years old. I'm the only one of them not yet to have a living child. Being left behind sucks ass. In addition to all the rest of it.
    I'm f-u-r-i-o-u-s at the gods for you and your family, furious Someone would let it happen again when you were so close, furious the Evelynn is so clearly truly gorgeous and you didn't get to see her in living glory. Even angry that what seems like the entire baby-loss world knows about you - because I think your 'presence' increased exponentially due to Evenlynn's loss. At the very least, I only found you because Evelynn died, and I hate that.

    Just wanted you to know that the thing that keeps me going is also quest for family, and that last year we were researching gestational carriers too, with IVF. Like everything else, it's its own journey. We've also traveled domestic and international adoption over our 6 year course. In fact, now that I think about it, I'm not sure what we HAVEN'T tried or experienced in our efforts to have a family. We haven't made it yet (though are close again, now) but I won't go into it here because I'm concerned it will sound too disheartening - what I want to communicate is that there ARE others out here who are continuing to fight for family, however it happens. And I at least will continue to fight for you, too, if in no other way than to power out vibes to the universe (and donations and sharing of our own ventures, if you ever think it might help. We were working with a gestational carrier facility in Illinois for awhile, for example.)
    You've every right to every feeling you wrote of, and as Mr. Josh Jackson wrote above, anything I could say would be inadequate, any attempt at expressing how sorry and sad for you inadequate. It feels there nothing else to do but acknowledge these horrific events and hold your hand as you make it through another day.
    There are so many of us out here with you in our hearts and minds.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sending you so much love right now. Words are just so inadequate. But please know that I keep you in my thoughts & am always thinking of your amazing children. I just wish you were holding them both

    ReplyDelete
  10. All of those feelings are so valid and so ok. I hope you know that...and know that all of us, your babyloss sisters, hold you in our love, even though our stories aren't all the same.

    Hugs...

    ReplyDelete
  11. I know it is inadequate, but I am so sorry for both of your losses, so sorry that Liam and Evelynn are not here.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am simply heartbroken for you! I started following your blog about six months ago and I was horrified to learn of sweet Evelyn's passing. Its just not fair and I a so angry for you.

    I lost my beloved Lily at 37 weeks to a cord accident. I remember all too well the all-consuming anger and grief over the unfairness of it all. Nobody should ever have to know what that feels like. I have her sister with me now to ease the pain but I will never forget and I will never accept that my Lily had to be taken from me. Your story has rekindled that fear that lurks within me as we start on the ttc journey again. Lightening can strike twice and three times and more. It shouldnt be that way. Its just horrible to think about and I cant imagine living it.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you!

    ReplyDelete
  13. So sorry you had this happen to your family so unfair! So close ..You are in my thoughts and prayers much love your way my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  14. My heart hurts for you so much. I've been following your journey, but have not commented. We in this community are so broken for you, and we are sorry we cannot ease the pain. We're here, we're abiding.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Becky I am continuing to think of you and your children. Words alone cannot express how sorry I am that neither of your babies are in your arms. Love and light...

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thinking of you. Again, there are no words. I wish I could take away all of the pain. I wish I could bring Liam and Evelynn back to your arms. Much love, always!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your beautiful little Liam and your gorgeous Evelynn. And those word are terribly inadequate. It's horribly unfair, and I just wish that life had been kinder to you and your two beautiful children.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Becky again I am so very sorry for what you are living through. It is so incredibly unfair. You should have both of those sweet babies in your arms right now. Know that prayers are constantly going up for you.

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh, Becky, I am just so sorry. Evelynn is so beautiful. Looking at her picture there while reading, just thinking that it is so wrong. Your post captured this place, knowing what lies ahead in your grief, not wanting to venture forward, but knowing you have to. I am just amazed by this sense of hope in your piece, the resilience to be look at IVF and GC, and just know, be clear, that forward is important. I don't know. Perhaps I have written too much, but just thank you for sharing this and looking at where you are. Remembering Liam and Evelynn with you. Their important lives cut too short. Much too short. This community grieves with you.

    ReplyDelete
  20. You make beautiful babies. I wish I had something more enduring to say, more strength inducing or helpful. Lighting a candle for Evelynn & Liam today.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I am so so sorry for your losses. It really is too much for a mother. I know surrogacy is expensive. I saw this option yesterday. http://todayhealth.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/05/28/11883566-a-baby-made-in-india-a-couples-dream-comes-true?lite

    ReplyDelete
  22. Sending so many hugs to you, Becky, and thinking of Evelynn and Liam. I don't know why life can sometimes be so painfully improbably and repeatedly unfair.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I am sure as I do now, that the babyloss community weeps for you. Does this help the pain go away? No, but just know you are not alone... (((hugs))) to you I have no words to describe how very sorry I am for your losses <3

    ReplyDelete
  24. I am just so deeply sorry you have to make your way through this again. It is not fair. There is no justice. Xxx

    ReplyDelete
  25. Becky, with a few exceptions, I so very much relate to your story! Reading about your losses, brings back so many, many remembrances of my first days after my losses! I was on a website for twins, and started the Parental Grief forum - moderating there only 5 days after my twins were born, and Nathan died! I too felt like I had fallen into an alternate world in my "family" of other survivors of loss. Then, when thinkgs are looking better, Wham! Unbelievable loss, again! I am crying for you, right now! I do remember where you are at, right now! I did eventually have to leave the forum, because I felt so stuck! I did find peace, but it took years! I hope you can find the peace you so desperately need! Ruthann

    ReplyDelete
  26. There is nothing I can say. So I simply send love. With my whole being, I send love.

    ReplyDelete
  27. My heart goes out to you. Thinking of you, Liam and Evelynn. They are beautiful babies with a mother who loves them very much. I wish there was something I could do or say to ease your pain, but you will be in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Every time I click over to your blog and I see the cover picture and title, I always take a moment to send you virtual hugs, and I am always so struck by how beautiful Liam and Evelynn are and how much alike they look. Their sweet little baby faces with the same nose and mouth. Like the others, I always wish that I had the magic words to say, but I don't.

    On my last post I mentioned something about gestatonal surrogacy internationally. I found a blog today written by a mom who is going through the process. Her babies have been born (twins), but she is waiting to take them home (one is in the NICU but doing well). There are links on her blog to other blogs of people who are going through it also. I thought I would link it here if that is ok. If you want to, you can follow the links and if you don't that is cool too. http://www.rastalesstraveled.com/ (I really hope this is ok with you, the last thing I want to be doing is adding to your stress).

    ReplyDelete
  29. Sending you light and love.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I'm another one who recognises that anything I could possibly say would be totally inadequate.

    Your babies are very, very beautiful and the fact they are not in your arms is so far beyond unfair. I am so very sorry you find yourself treading this path again and I wish for ...gentleness, I suppose, as you grieve for Liam and Evelynn.

    ReplyDelete
  31. It makes me so angry and so very sad that you have to grieve both of your beautiful babies, your Liam and your Evelynn. I hate it that you are in this aching, angry, terrible, painful place. And then I read your last paragraph - and there's so much love there - fierce, strong, amazing love from a fierce and amazing mama. It shines so bright, in spite of everything. So much love to you.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I wish there was something I could say, because a simple "I'm sorry" is just not enough. I'm so heartbroken for you. I have often felt angry these past few months, because your rainbow is just not suppose to get cancer, but your story is just beyond unfair. I'll be thinking of you and, little Liam and Evelynn. I'm so very sorry that they're not in your arms.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...