Angie from still life with circles created this project last year and has now brought it back for Right Where I Am 2012.
It's been 1 year, 4 months, 3 weeks, and 2 days since losing my son and 1 month and 2 days since losing my daughter.
If my daughter had lived I'd probably be writing about how I still miss my son so much but that having his sister here has helped me heal, because that's exactly how I was feeling the last few months of my pregnancy with her. I had finally felt truly happy for the first time since before his passing.
Since I lost Evelynn, my precious rainbow baby, I am angry, even more so, than I was after losing Liam because your. rainbow. isn't. supposed. to. die.! Losing her to a uterine rupture just days before my scheduled c-section has made me furious at the world more than I ever thought I could be. I wonder everyday how I managed to live through the loss of one baby, but how do you even manage to live through the loss of two?
I wake up everyday hoping that it was all just a bad dream. I still miss my son and its not that I have completely accepted his loss but I really miss my daughter right now. Plus, I went through this all last year after he passed away. I know how this grief process works and I don't want to go through it again. It is a long, hard, exceptionally painful process and its eating me up inside just thinking about the days ahead. She was so close to coming home. I am having a hard time letting go of the life I had planned for her. I want that life, not the one I am living once again. I will never be accepting of this.
The crying in the shower is back along with all the painful reminders of what I don't have. I am feeling bitter once again toward all the happy people in the world that don't know what this pain feels like. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere anymore. I am stuck once again while everyone else's lives seem to keep moving forward.
The only thing that's keeping me somewhat going, that gets me up in the day, is researching IVF with a gestational carrier, aka gestational surrogacy. It's a long process with no guarantees but its something for me to concentrate on.
I am just trying to find hope that one day I will have a living take home baby in my arms, but its hard to find hope in anything when you know firsthand that lightening really can strike twice. And who's to say it won't happen for a third time.
So how do I feel right now?
Angry, beaten down, stomped on, and left behind doesn't even begin to describe how I feel....but I love and miss my babies and for them I know I can get through this.
Here is my post from last year.