Alone

Well the day finally came when Dereck finally had to go back to work. It's the first day in 2 months that we have been a part. I mean I started work this past week but I am only gone about 9 hours a day for work and I am at home every night after work. Dereck on the other hand, works 12 hours a day for weeks at a time. Normally I am happy to have him go to work, at least for the first week, because it gives me time to just be alone and do some of things I normally don't do when he is around. I had even thought me going back to work was really good for me. This past week had been going pretty well and I just thought maybe I'll be okay when he goes back to work. I had wanted to take this time, as I would like to call it "my bonding with Liam time", to work on Liam's scrapbook, hopefully finally finish typing out his story for this blog, and start reading some of the many books I have on baby loss, pregnancy after loss, and other grieving books. Well I'll start out by saying I had a crappy day yesterday. I had to listen to people at lunch talk about their sick kids, their kids being brats, and how they don't ever need to get pregnant again because they are done. Yeah thanks everyone that makes me feel just great. I guess I have to understand they all have their own lives and that I shouldn't expect them to not talk about there kids just because I am around. I guess if I had a living child right now I might even be right there with them complaining about how I never get any sleep because my baby is up all night crying or my poor little guys is sick, but that is not the case. I have nothing to talk about with them and already by the end of the first week the questions of how am I doing are already gone. Also after finishing Liam's room I wanted to show everyone how beautiful his nursery was. I guess people don't seem to understand what I'm going through because when I showed a few people the pictures and told them that Dereck and I finished it for Liam they gave me this "Oh, Becky why did you do that, we just want you to heal". What the hell does that even mean? It instantly brought tears to my eyes, I was so proud that we fixed the room up for him, it's like everyone just wants me to box up everything about his life and put it away like it never happened. I just wish I could share my love for Liam with everyone like other parents get to do with there kids. The last few hours of work I just kept to myself and did my job and then when I finally got to my car I cried the whole way home. This was not the way I wanted to end my work week and also have to deal with Dereck leaving for work, leaving me alone. I don't want to be alone right now.