Wednesday, February 16, 2011


I haven't cried in the shower for over a week now and there I was again this morning bawling my eyes out. I'm always feeling like for every step forward I am taking I manage to turn around and take 5 steps back. I also have been sleeping on the couch a lot lately, don't even want to go into my room some nights and be in my bed. And now I had another bad dream last night. It wasn't what I guess any one else would probably consider a bad dream. My whole life I have had nightmares, then when I was pregnant they seemed to lessen, and now after Liam has passed the bad dreams started again but they are not my normal nightmares. I dreamed of San Francisco last night. Nothing to crazy was really going on but that toward the end of my dream I was trying to get home but was so lost, going through house after house and never being able to find mine. Then some guy appeared in my dream and started walking me through these houses and then decided to attack me and I started yelling at him saying "I have a husband and my baby just died, leave me alone". He let me go and started crying like he felt bad and I ran and eventually made my way home- to my house that I guess I had in San Fran. I have had many other dreams that take place there lately. Dereck thinks it's because I probably left my heart in San Francisco. That's probably a good assumption since that is the last time I was with my baby boy.
That dream made me think of some of my other dreams I have had relating to Liam, to me they are bad dreams, I like to call them my realization dreams. In one of my few naps I had while in the hospital I dreamed that I was back in Minnesota visiting my parents. I was just sitting at there house thinking about how I forgot my baby at the hospital, and what kind of mom am I, who forgets there baby at the hospital. For some reason my family didn't have a car so some people I new came and picked us up but only brought us to this area by the Hardee's in town. I started yelling at them to please take me to the hospital that I need to go get my baby. Once they heard that they all decided they would get me there. We were almost to the hospital when it finally occurred to me that wait, I can't get my baby from the hospital, my baby is dead, who goes to the hospital to pick up there dead baby. Then I woke up. Another time I dreamed that I had met a lady who had really wanted a baby but was never able to get pregnant. I had felt so bad for her that I decided to give her my baby. It was only after I had given him up that I realized that I made a huge mistake and wanted him back, but I never heard from her again and all I had left was a picture of the baby I'll never see again. Another time I dreamed that I had found a baby and he was absolutely beautiful, it was love at first sight. I had wanted to keep that baby forever but knew that he had a mother somewhere that was probably really missing him and I new I needed to find her. I ended up finding her and she was so happy that I returned him to her. I was crying, I didn't want to give him up but knew it was the right thing. I could not stop crying as she was buckling him in and then took off. I have had so many more dreams than that even, wish my brain could work things out a different way than torturing me in my sleep.

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