5 weeks and 6 days

So here I am exactly 5 weeks and 6 days after losing my love, my baby Liam. Liam and I underwent fetal surgery at the UCSF childrens hospital to help correct his spina bifida at 25 weeks and 6 days gestation.  It was a procedure that had just finished an 8 year research study and although at the time the results weren't published we had found out that it had ended early due to effiicacy. Great news, lets do it we thought, anything to help give him a chance at a better life. So on January 3, 2011 Liam and I were put to sleep.  How would I have known it was the last time I'd ever feel him kick. The doctors said the surgery went great but when they put the last stitch in me his heart stopped. Then I had an emergency c-section to help resusitate him. The doctors said they tried for an hour and a half but he never responded. So what do I even do now. The first week I was in shock in the hospital. My husband and I got the chance to spend 2 days with Liam before they took him for his autopsy.  We were very hesitant on wanting pictures of him taken.  Thank god that the nurses convinced us to allow them to take pictures, we only have a few but they are so meaningful.  A week after leaving the hospital we had his funeral back in Grand Forks, ND so he could have a funeral with family. We will be going back there this spring also, hopefully mothers day for his burial.  I am saddened that I won't be able to go to his grave as often as I'd like since Alaska is a pretty long flight and even longer drive, but I know he is in a good place there because he is getting buried on top of Derecks father.
We really wanted to get home to Alaska, so we went home after only being with family a little over a week.  We know things will never be the same but feel like being at home with our dogs and close friends is the closest thing to normal as we can be right now. I am going back to work on the 18th and so scared. What if I start crying at work? I can't even make it through a day now with out breaking down.  I guess the good news though is that I am seeing ob dr. on the 17th and she will clear me start doing more activity. I am happy to be able to start doing all the things I love, like hiking and skiing, but sad to know that Liam was supposed to be with me doing all these things.. So, what does happen now, how do I carry on my life knowing I'll never get to watch my baby grow, never hear him say mommy or daddy, or ever be able to kiss him and hold him again.