This month I have mentioned that we are going to start trying to have another baby. I know I have said that I am over the blame stage but I still can't help to believe that I could have made some better choices when I was pregnant. I feel like I am even making myself crazy right now because I am so afraid something is going to go wrong again. I know that doctors said I was healthy and did everything right when I was pregnant with Liam, but no one knows what happened with him and so I will always wonder if it was something I did. Spina Bifida? Heart Stopping in surgery? Who Knows?
It seems as if my days are filled with either work, appointments, or other baby related things. Like I said I am trying to do everything to make sure I go into the next pregnancy in perfect health and to stay that way. So I will expand on my craziness that I am feeling right now and for any of you reading this let me know if you think this sounds sensible for me thinking and doing these things after what I've been through or if I really am just going nuts.
-Seeing a Naturopath Doctor. I mentioned a few posts ago that I went and saw one to see what there opinion was on why I was having infertility issues with my last pregnancy and if she has any suggestions on helping me be in the best health possible and hopefully get prego asap. After my first visit I felt disappointed with the ND but when I came back and saw her and we went over my blood work results I felt much better. I also had a lot of questions and was happy to get them all answered. Since I have been seeing her I have been taking different prenatal and fish oil vitamins. Ones that she says are better, along with loads of vitamin D, extra iron, and a few others. It sounds like a lot but she says I will get the most out of these supplements which is what I need for my next pregnancy. I'd like to say I completely believe that these supplements are better than what I was taking and that they aren't just trying to push the ones they sell, because they are spendy. She also put me on this whole body detox diet, where I pretty much don't eat anything with an allergen. So no gluten(no wheat, barley, rye), corn, dairy, peanut butter, honey, eggs, soy, beef, shellfish, and a few others. I also drink this protein powder. It is a 3 week plan and right now I am in the middle of week 2. I can have no meat this week and have to have the protein powder 3x a day. I have been having a lot of smoothies lately and its getting really old. More than anything I would like a cup of coffee. I miss it more than I miss chocolate right now. Does this sound crazy? I'd like to believe she is having me do this because she really believes it will help my health and to get pregnant.
-I am still seeing a counselor about once a week, although since my last counselor left the country a month ago, I had saw a psychiatrist these past few weeks. I talked with her about my fears and anxiety about a future pregnancy and my grief with Liam to see if she thought I would benefit better being on medication for the next pregnancy. I don't want to be on any drugs, but I am also afraid that if I am too stressed it will affect the baby and I don't want that either. She doesn't feel I need anything but wrote me a prescription for Zoloft if I felt I needed it. I thought about it and talked to Dereck about it and decided I just don't want to be on any drugs when I am pregnant. So now I am back to searching for another counselor, and hope I find one that I like soon. Luckily I have grief group this week.
-Still been doing acupuncture. Don't really feel like its helping but I'd like to believe it is, so I will continue to do it until I am pregnant.
-I am seeing my Ob Dr. on Tuesday to discuss the game plan for doing our IUI and Clomid this month and also get some of my questions answered. I have a lot of questions, she might think I am crazy also when I share them with her. Here are a few of the things I will be asking her about: Body and face lotions-should I buy all natural or organic, nothing with parabens, phthalathes, sulfates, pterochemicals-all things that I have heard that are not good for you when pregnant? No more buying household cleaners, feel like I need to revert back to the time of baking soda and vinegar for all my cleaning? No more plastic water bottles, buying all stainless steel from now on-BPA free? oh, there's more than this even.
So do I sound crazy yet? I got to quit reading the internet so much because everywhere I look there is something stating something about being bad to have when pregnant and I don't know what to believe or do but I really just want a HEALTHY LIVING BABY!
My sweet Liam,
I can't believe I didn't write to you yesterday. I try to be so good about writing you a letter on the 3rd of every month and actually forgot- bad mom:( Well its been 5 whole months little buddy, I can't believe it. I still miss you so incredibly much and think about you daily. I hoped you loved all the flowers from the burial and also the ones from Memorial Day.
I love you,