Today has been horrible and its only 4:00. I had been in this great mood all week and now today I woke up incredibly tired, cranky, and really missing my little boy. I also had to do my shift at the NICU today, which I knew even before going in was going to be rough. I tried to get myself in a better mood before I headed in, but nothing worked. On my walk into the hospital all I could think about was UCSF. That hospital is just engraved into my brain and I hate it. I know that's where everything with mine and my son's life changed forever but I think about that damn place about as often as I think about Liam. It's always on my mind and now here I am picturing it and comparing it to the hospital I am volunteering at. Get out of my head, it's just a hospital! GRRR!
I got into the NICU and searched for a baby that needed to be cuddled. Right away one of the nurses told me I could hold one of her's. I had held this baby before, so I picked her up and took a seat. She was crying when I went and picked her up and thought she would just quiet down or fall asleep as soon as I rocked her. Nope, I'm not that lucky! She screamed on and off the entire 2 hours. I wanted to scream, cry, and runaway. I know babies cry but this was the first time I have held a baby there that has cried that much. Why today? Thankfully time seemed like it went fairly fast, probably because I was constantly talking, rocking, and holding the baby in all sorts of ways in hopes to get her to calm down. Which nothing worked by the way.
When I left the NICU today I just knew it was time. Time that is for me to go and talk to the volunteer coordinator about either dropping a shift, changing volunteer areas, or just stop volunteering all together. The lady in charge of the volunteer department is so sweet and easy to talk to. I probably would have chickened out and sent an email if it was anybody else I needed to talk to. I broke down crying in front of her telling her how sorry I am and that I am having such a hard time lately. I told her how much I wanted to do this at first for those babies, myself, and for Liam, but now even wanting to go in has been hard. She said she understood, she knows my story, and asked what I wanted to do from here. She told me there were openings in the Adult Critical Care Unit if I would like to try that. She said that all I would be doing there is sitting at the front desk checking in families and friends that are there to see a loved one. I'm not so sure I want to do that, yes I would be helping the nurses and the families, but think I just need to get away from the hospital for a bit. At least until I need to be there to deliver my next babe.
I told her I would think about it but since I am trying to get pregnant again I am getting super paranoid about everything. I even mentioned how I am probably driving my Ob Dr. nuts with all my questions. I am just so afraid of things going wrong again. I mentioned to her that I know women work in the NICU and all other areas of the hospital when they are pregnant, so I am sure I'd be fine volunteering if I was, but my paranoia is telling me I am going to somehow catch every little bug going around in there. Am I sounding crazy again? It's not like I can hide from germs, I work in a medical office directly with patients after all.
We talked a little longer about my loss and she even talked to me a little about a loss of her own and how she understands how I feel. In the end she said maybe I should just take this time to concentrate on myself and getting pregnant and that these opportunities will still be here if I decide I want to come back. I told her if I was having a good day and notice a time on the volunteer fill in sheet maybe I'll come in on occasion and see how it goes.
So for as of right now my time in the NICU has come to an end. I am feeling like a quitter and am letting those babies, myself, and Liam down. I just want Liam here and things to be okay. What a shitty day.....