Right Where I Am: 5 Months

Angie of still life with circles has created a project, asking those of us in the babylost community to write a post about where we right now are in our grief journey.  It's a great idea and I'm proud to participate.

There is probably not a week that has gone by that I haven't thought about my journey to San Francisco. I often still think about the week we had there prior to the surgery, so hopeful and so optimistic. I still think about the how much my little boy was kicking the night and morning before surgery and think about how this surgery was going to be something that me and Liam were going to be able to share for the rest of our lives, something special that we could share. I of course then still think about that moment I woke up from surgery only to learn that the doctors had to deliver my baby and that even after aggressive CPR he didn't survive. I think about all of this still and 5 months later it still haunts me, and I hate it. I would say though that 5 months later I no longer am trying to find someone/something to blame for what happened, I don't even blame myself anymore, but I will always wonder if that if I didn't do the surgery that day if Liam would still be alive.


The grief still come out of no where, always there when I least expect it. I never know how long it'll consume me for. Sometimes a short cry is all I need and I am better, other times I am just down and unhappy for multiple days at a time. I still get a little bitter when I see a pregnant woman and even more so when I look at Facebook only to learn that someone else is pregnant or has just had there healthy new baby. I don't know how long I'll continue like this, sometimes I wish there was a timeline letting me know that I am on the right track in my grief and by a certain time everything will be better, but I know it doesn't work that way.


I still see a grief counselor once a week and probably will continue going for awhile. I like to have somewhere where I can just talk about my thoughts and about Liam for a whole hour. I also still go to my grief group which meets about once every two weeks. I look forward this group. It's so nice to be around a room full of people that truly understand my feelings.


In a few weeks my husband and I are going to try and have another baby. I am incredibly scared but want a baby to hold in my arms so badly. I am also afraid that it'll take us awhile to get pregnant again. It took 2 1/2 years and 2 IUI's to get Liam. I don't know how my heart will handle anymore disappointment if we aren't pregnant within a few months, but I'll do whatever it takes to bring a baby home. 


So it's been 5 months since losing my little boy and I still find it incredibly unfair that I have to be a mother to a little boy in heaven. Liam made me a better person in the 6 months he was with me though. He has taught me so much about myself, about love, life, and things that really matter. Sometimes l feel in a way that this was a gift from Liam because I don't know if I would've ever learned all of this, and I am grateful for that. I just wish I didn't have to lose him to realize all of this. I never knew I could love someone so much till he came into my life. I will always love him, and I will always miss him.