I don't know what is going on with me these past few days. So much crying and sadness. Is it because Dereck went back to work Friday and that means I am alone for 3 whole weeks, it used to never bother me, but I don't like him gone that long anymore, or at all? Is it because I actually went out with friends all weekend and have been lacking in sleep? Insurance medical crap, that's not helping for sure? Or maybe I am finally actually going to get my period or my hormones are just still that out of whack? Whatever the case may be, but my emotions are going crazy; depressed, anxious, happy, sad, tired, restless, ahhhh!
I was so depressed yesterday and couldn't get mind to stopped thinking so much. Sometimes getting outside and getting fresh air and walking helps and sometimes I need to clean. Yesterday was a cleaning day. I wanted nothing to do with outside, no sun, no fresh air, no people really. My basement is spotless though, so I guess something good came out of all of the sadness. Scrubbed the entire bathroom-walls, tub, toilet, doors, my bedroom- walls, windows, doors, TV, treadmill, nightstand, scrubbed the walls in the hall along the stairs, the handrails, outside door, washer and dryer, also did a crap load of laundry. Does it ever smell and look good downstairs. Now to do the upstairs since after all I am having people over for Easter. I did feel much better after doing all of that cleaning and eventually was able to get a good work out in. I started doing a kettle ball routine and it is kicking my butt.
I had a lot of dreams last night. In one of the dreams in particular I found out I was pregnant and was freaking out because it was too soon. I was so worried in my dream that something was going to go wrong with me or the baby since it had only been 3 1/2 months since my c-section. I also was so confused on how when I tried for so long to get pregnant before, I couldn't, and now that I am trying not to get pregnant and on birth control, I managed to get pregnant. Anyway the dream was weird but made me wonder when I woke up if this was some kind of sign, so I had to take a pregnancy test this morning just to make sure. Of course it was negative, I was actually really sad about that.
Talked to a friend this morning on the internet a little about Liam. It is always nice when someone asks about me and him, but then after speaking to her the sadness came back. Thankfully Dereck had called me not long after that and I got to tell him about all of the things I had been thinking about. I was telling him about the morning of the fetal surgery and how I remember Liam kicking so hard and me telling him he needed to settle down since we were going to go have surgery. We were so worried that morning, not about the chance Liam or I could die, which was a possibility obviously, but concerned about our rental car being towed since we didn't want to pay for overnight parking and needed to have it moved by 8am, and it was now almost 9am, and we were still waiting to get into surgery. Really? Concerned about the stupid car and not the fact that we could never see each other or Liam again? Of all the stupid things to be concerned about!
I also told Dereck about another blm talking about getting signs from her baby and that she got three signs in one day. I wish so badly I could get one from Liam. I have heard other people mentioning getting signs or feelings like they can tell a loved one is close, but never really new what to take of it since I have never experienced it for myself. I am so happy for everyone who gets a sign from there sweet Angels or other loved ones that have passed on, but I want one so bad. Liam if you can hear me please give me a sign, something, anything......and then lets hope I am actually paying attention so I don't miss it.
I wish I could say my NICU volunteering went good today, I was physically there, but mentally I was somewhere else. By the time I finished my shift and got to my car I was balling my eyes out.
Thankfully my grief group meets tonight because I really need it.