From the point I started getting ready for grief group, the good, happy me I was feeling from working out, instantly turned to sadness. I started crying as soon as I got out of the shower and then when I got to group I just got so shaky and my head throbbed. I love sharing my feelings and thoughts with everyone but I am always filled with so much anxiety when I am there. Then after group when I got home those anxious and shaky feelings stopped and then I just got into this huge funk and can't get out of it. I hate this empty, lost feeling that has come over me so often lately. I can't even really describe it or know what to do about it. Sometimes I wish there was a way to just leave my body for awhile and take a vacation from myself, from my life, from these feelings of emptiness that will never be filled without Liam here. So that is how I went to bed and I hate going to bed feeling that way because its a guarantee I won't be sleeping well.
And now still in this funk, the first patient in today at work brings in a baby and she is just screaming. Even at my desk across the clinic, our clinic is fairly small by the way, I can hear her loud and clear and it just brought me to tears the whole time. I was praying that the patient doesn't need any x-rays because I do not want to go into that room at all. Why does the baby have to be crying so hard, it makes me so angry, my Liam never got the chance to cry, to make any noise at all. I am having to listen to everyone at work talk about how cute she is and talk to the baby in those cute little voices on "why are crying, what is wrong little one", blah blah blah-makes me sick to my stomach hearing that right now. This is the first time I have been aware there has been a little baby in our clinic, there might have been many other times, but its kind of hard to miss when they are screaming. So frustrating and even more so because I am never going to be bringing in Liam to show him to everyone and hear them say how precious he is and talk to him in those cute little voices. GRRR
There is a song by the artist PINK that goes "I'm a hazard to myself" and if you ask most people that know me they would say that the line sums me up pretty well. I have always been a klutz but when I was pregnant it seemed that the klutsiness lessened.- alot. Maybe I was just paying more attention to my surroudings since I had another life to be concerned about, I don't know. These past few days are giving me the impression that the old klutzy me is coming back. In the past two days I have managed to dump an entire 32 oz. bottle of flavored water all over myself, my shoes and pants soaked, my phone, my work papers, and then the rest just ran all over the floor and splattered on everything. This morning now I made a large americano, because I was pretty drained from last night, and managed to dump that everywhere just as I was heading out the door to go to work. I also managed to trip over my dog running the other day and onto the ground I went. Ahhh, why!!!
Thinking about how the klutzy me seems to be coming back and how it seemed to have nearly vanished while being pregnant got me thinking of other things that changed for me while I was pregnant. In a weird way I miss having a bloody nose. I had a bloody nose almost everyday I was pregnant, and if it wasn't bleeding then it was just very dry. I have always had sinus issues causing me to blow my nose all the time because it just always seemed to be running and have always just dealt with it. When I was pregnant it seemed that my nose instantly went from runny to dry overnight. I remember actually wondering if this was healthy to have so many dry or bloody noses, but it beat blowing my nose so often. After losing Liam it instantly changed again and I was back to blowing my nose. Call me crazy, but I miss those bloody noses.