Therapy, Baby Things, and the OR

Yesterday started out pretty good and was thinking this might be the first time I am going to go talk to my grief counselor that I am actually in a pretty good mood. Last week I went and had already been crying all morning since that was the day that marked the "I would no longer be pregnant and have my baby" day. As with any time I go I usually end up crying at one point or another but overall that appointment went pretty well. Right before the end of the appointment though she informs me she has bad news for me and that she has to refer me to another therapist because she is leaving town in May for quite a few months. I didn't even know how to respond, I was angry. I don't want to go see someone else, afterall I just starting seeing her a month ago and now I have to start over with someone else.

On another note, I went to Michaels after my appt. to get a few things since they were having a huge spring sale this week. I like going there and that's where I tend to get most of my scrapbooking stuff from, also the same place I got the frames for Liam's pictures that are now on my mantel.
I ended up finding these brown wicker baskets that have a cream liner that says "Baby Things" sewn across the front and fell in love with them and thought how perfect they would look in the nursery. Of course I had to buy them, 5 actually, and they are now in the nursery filled with Liam's books, toys, and other baby essentials that were before just thrown into the bassinet with all of his clothes. It is hard to not want to buy things for the the nursery. I see so many things that would look just perfect in there. I am sure when I get pregnant again I'll find many of those same items and same good deals but I hate telling myself I can't buy anything because I don't have a baby. Sometimes I feel like I am hiding the fact that I am a mom if I don't let myself look, or buy, and plus I want to have more children. Although the way I am going I feel like I am going to have a complete nursery long before a new babies arrival. When I look at baby things though, whether intentionally or just coming across something baby related that I like I always think about how Liam would have liked it or how well it will fit in with his nursery. No matter how much baby stuff I buy I think I'll always consider it all Liam's stuff and Liam's nursery.

Today I woke up thinking about Liam all morning, not like thats anything new, but just missing him. I read all of my and Liam's operative reports as soon as I got them but I finally read his autopsy report today. I have had it for awhile and my doctor already went over it on the phone with me, but I hadn't physically looked at it till now.  I don't know why I do this to myself but I have to read these things for myself even if I already know what they say. Of course just as the doctor said everything either says "appropriate for gestational age" or "no significant pathologic abnormality." The last section was all about what went on in the operating room, which I have read many times, but can't help but read it again. My poor little buddy had so much done to him that morning between having his defect repaired and then after his heart stopped was given so many doses of epinephrine and all the CPR both inutero and after delivery by the NICU team just makes me want to cry. They tried so hard to save him.

My sweet Liam, I think about that often and mommy just hopes you didn't feel any pain, your body had to take on so much that morning