It's coming up to 4 months since Evelynn was born and died and almost daily I still struggle to get through my day. I am constantly trying to fight back the thoughts that creep in that tell me that it is all my fault my daughter is dead. That I did nothing to protect her. That she is dead because of me. I am a horrible mom.
I have been crying so much lately again, even now as I write this. August is not going well for me at all. I want these thoughts to go away and to leave me alone. I love my daughter and I miss her dearly but these "you killed your daughter" thoughts make me hate myself so much and I fear they will never go away. I get these thoughts and then instead of looking at my daughters pictures with love I look at them with anger because all I picture is how it is because of me that my beautiful baby girl is dead. And then I get angry. That weekend of when I first felt the pain through the time she was born plays in my head over and over again. I want a do over so badly. I want to go to the Dr. and get checked out and fight for my daughter and tell those Dr.'s that something doesn't feel right and that I am at risk for a rupture. I want her to be born and get to come home with me.
I have been telling people here and there that have asked me about pregnancy related stuff that we are planning to use a gestational carrier next time in hopes of bringing home a living baby. Well what do you think is the first response that I get from most of these people? If you guessed "I can just feel it that everything will work out" you guessed right. Of course that is what I want to have happen, but she is not even pregnant yet and there are like a zillion steps to take before we can even get to that point. I want people to STOP saying this to me please and I want everyone else to not even thinking of STARTING to say this to me. Also please do not get all religious on me saying that you will pray that it will work out because God doesn't answer wishes nor does he make miracles. It doesn't work that way nor can I handle hearing this anymore.
I want a living baby so bad and I want things to work out with our carrier. I know that what has happened to me sucks, try living it, but can't people just say that they HOPE it all works out next time but if it doesn't they will be here to SUPPORT me. I don't know why people feel the need to say that stuff to me. Is it because it makes them feel better because they can't handle the thought of something bad happening? Or is it because in all reality the odds should have been more in my favor of working out than not working out, so it seemed like the obvious thing to say? Supporting me would be more beneficial, especially right now when I am at one of the lowest points in my life. Now that would be more beneficial in helping me get through this dark time and even through another pregnancy via our carrier than "I can feel it" because you know what, unless you got some kind of superhuman ability that knows this for sure-you got nothing. But if you do have some kind of superhuman ability to know the future then we need to talk because I am still considering finding a good medium or psychic.
So please, please, please no one, I ask of all of you, please do not post anything in my comments saying that you "know" or "feel" or that it's "gonna" work out. Please just offer support.
Last night I more less cried myself to sleep. Actually it was more of a cried on Derecks shoulder in bed for a good two hours. Then when I tried to fall asleep I had a difficult time because I was shaking so bad from all the crying and being so overtired. This morning I got up and the crying resumed.
Oh did I mention I am thoroughly annoyed at myself because I destroyed my IPhone last night. Yes, it is just a phone and I was able to borrow a used one from a friend until I can get a new one but I lost a lot of stuff I had wrote in my phone about Liam and Evelynn. When I think of stuff that relates to them I always type it into the notes section so I don't forget, and now its gone. So for now I am going to cry about it.
I did see one of my friends babies briefly today, it was my friends, my coworker that I have wrote about. She was the one who gave me the phone to use and when I went to get it her baby boy was sleeping in his car seat. I went over and I looked at him. He is about 2 months old now. I didn't ask to hold him or anything, but it was nice to see him in person.
I also learned today that a friend from grief group just had her baby yesterday. I am happy for her, really I am. Although at the same time I felt this anger seep in that makes me so angry because, yet again, I feel I was pregnant first both times, I lost my baby first, and I am supposed to have the living baby first. It's not a contest but I feel I am always in last place and will never catch up.
A friend sent this to me awhile back and think its a good time to post it.
"Have You Ever" - Author Unknown
Have you ever watched your child die?
Have you ever held her hand, feeling the life that grew within you slip away, breath by painful breath?
Have you ever kissed a cold gray cheek, knowing you will never kiss it again while helpless tears rolled down your own?
Have you ever left your child-the child you dreamed of, the child you love-knowing the next time you visit her, it will be at her grave?
Have you ever sat at your window at midnight waiting for sleep, waiting for any escape from a nightmare that won't go away, only to watch dawn bring nothing but reminders of what you will never have?
Have you ever watched the world forget the person you love the most saying "you'll have another one" or "move on" or "let go" as if she were a book or a pen, or a bad haircut that could be replaced or erased as if she didn't matter, as if she had never been?
Have you ever looked at your future knowing someone will always be missing? Have you ever looked at your past knowing some things can never be changed? Have you ever looked at your present and felt nothing, saw nothing but guilt and anger and loss?
If you haven't - then don't tell me what to think. Don't tell me how to act. Don't tell me how to feel. Don't tell me to get over it... because I NEVER will.
I'm sorry you're feeling so low Becky. You're right that it's not fair, and there are no guarantees. I wish there were. I wish I could tell you that 'next time' thing will be perfect and you will get the take home baby...but I won't because I can't. I'm hopeful for you though. Really hopeful. Of anyone, anywhere, you're the one I most want to see holding your living, breathing baby. And I'll be here reading and keeping up with you whether that happens soon-ish, or not.ReplyDelete
I don't know if you still read my blog. There is stuff on there about Kaia, so if you don't, I understand, but my most recent post talks about how no one ever *knows* these things for sure. How could you? You don't have x-ray vision. You're not psychic. You did nothing wrong. Abdominal pain as a symptom, even when NOT pregnant, could be just about anything...and even harder to diagnose when pregnant. I hope one day you're able to let the anger towards yourself go, because it wasn't your fault. You didn't bring this on...sometimes bad, terrible, horrible thing, just happen.
I just hope something good baby-wise happens for you guys soon. You're definitely well over due.
Oh Becky, we all SO hope things will be different next time for you. I think of you CONSTANTLY, as do lots of our other blogger friends. I cry for you, imagining the pain I know you are in. I am so sorry. I wish August wasn't hitting you so hard, but we all know from experience (and none as awful) that the heavy grief is around for a long time. I hate that and wish I could do something to change it for you. Love that poem. So right on. Sending love!!ReplyDelete
Oh, how i know the feeling like you failed your child because you didn't "feel it"! But you were the best mother in the world. You didn't selfishly keep Evelynn on life support, you did what was fair for her. I too have been there, sat with alot of guilt, and have had along hard fight to finally be at peace that there was nothing i could do by the time i figured it out.ReplyDelete
I wish i could reach through this keyboard/computer screen and hug you.
I'm not sure how I came across your blog, but I have been keeping up with you, although I have never commented. I do not pretend to know what you're going through, but I want you to know that I think about you often. I also have no idea what the future holds for you, but I do hope and pray you get to bring home a living baby. No one should have to go through what you've been through and I am so sorry for that. Please know that I will keep thinking about you and pray your dreams come true one day.ReplyDelete
I hated when people said that crap to me and I *only* lost one. I can't imagine how agonizing it is to hear this time around and how it makes you cringe and your skin crawl!ReplyDelete
I hope that next year you can look back and think you've come a long way. And I hope that day by day, a little more light and hope creeps into your life.
I hate this so much for you. So many of us think about you and your babies constantly. And hold them in our hearts always.
I always hated getting those comments too. I promise to NEVER ever say them to you... EVER! :) I'm so sorry that you're feeling so low these days. If ever you feel like you need to chat, you have my number. Thinking of you and your precious babies... and being angry along with you at the people who make all of those pointless comments... Hugs!ReplyDelete
My least favorite was the card I received saying I should take comfort in the fact my baby was in Jesus's arms. Really? Take comfort in that. Right.ReplyDelete
Sending light and love to you.
Becky, I hope with all my heart that it works out with your carrier.ReplyDelete
You and your children are never far from my thoughts. x
I battled some of those self-hate/self-doubt demons, too, after I lost my twins. Maybe if I had stood up for myself better with the HMO when they kept telling me everything was fine. Maybe if I hadn't ignored the painless contractions the night before our daughter's water broke. Maybe if I'd drunk more water the day my water broke (like that would have magically replenished both babies' fluid levels).ReplyDelete
Maybe if I hadn't been so hopeful. Or maybe if I had been a better woman/person/mother.
Those thoughts are so pervasive. The only thing that has helped me be free of them is counseling. I don't know if that's an option for you, but I can tell you that an act of desperate help-seeking by me actually turned into the biggest gift for myself...one I know my babies would have wanted me to pursue.
We have no guarantees that things will work out. I will never be one to surmise they will - for you or for me. I will hold onto little shreds of hope, though, for both of us. <3
I still wonder about things I could have/should have done differently and I am 5 years past losing my little girl. It's awful forever living with the guilt that maybe I could have done more, paid closer attention, not done this or that, etc... Just know that you are not alone with your thought patterns. I felt like such a failure after I lost my daughter. This is a natural part of grief...the blame game...it sucks but I guess we have to go through it. Here's hoping you find some peace and comfort soon.ReplyDelete
I am so sorry August is being so crappy. I know nothing any of us can write can take away your pain but nothing that happened is your fault. Nothing. People are idiots because they don't know what to say so they say something real stupid, like my ex and ex's family who told me God planned for me NOT to be a mother. Well f*ck that, that's a crap plan and not one I signed up for. Thinking of you.ReplyDelete
thinking of you. i'm just so so very sorry.ReplyDelete
xoxoxo I am thinking of you always.ReplyDelete
I am really sorry for what you're going through. My mom is one of those, "I have a feeling" people, and it's just awful - and I never lost a baby (besides an early miscarriage and then my son's twin which was early as well). I can't imagine what it's like hearing people tell you that they have a feeling the NEXT baby will work out. You are right that it totally dismisses your prior babies, and that is not nice.ReplyDelete
I always would say to my mom, "really, Mom, a feeling? Your feelings have never been right, so stop saying that."
People boggle my mind, especially people we don't even know. How can they have a feeling that they truly believe about me, when they hardly know me and better yet - they're not my doctor who actually knows a thing or two about this stuff?
Be prepared, next, for the, "see, everything worked out the way they were supposed to," once you have a living child. That is next - and I think it's even worse. No one is up there pulling the puppet strings in life - choosing who loses babies and who gets them. It doesn't work that way. If it does, then God is a cruel person/entity/force.
I think of you all the time.
I'm not sure if I've ever properly introduced myself, but I've been following your blog for awhile and do try to comment if I feel like I have anything at all to say that *might* help. I am Lisa, Finley's mummy, and I have yet to bring home a living baby either.
I am just about 5 months down the line from losing him, and since even a few weeks after he died, I've had people asking if we plan to try again. Not entirely sure how it's anybody's business anyways, but by how they say 'try again' they make it sound like I'm retaking a driving test that I failed or something, not that my child actually died.
And then if I actually open up and say yes, of course I'd like to be a mummy to a baby that actually gets to come home with me, but I am scared of it all happening again, I've had the same response "everything will be perfect next time" or "I just have a feeling that it will be ok". And then I point out that, actually, losing more than one baby can and does happen to some people. That even the tiniest of odds against me are still a chance. The chance of losing Finley because the knot in his cord was pulled tighter during labour, and even though he was resuscitated and lived for three days, but went on to die anyways was incredibly tiny. But I won't gamble with odds and chances, because actually, I've been that 1 in 1000 or whatever the number is.
I do sincerely HOPE that everything works out ok for you if your carrier becomes pregnant. I hope that it's a healthy pregnancy and that it's an easy delivery, and that you get to bring home a perfect, happy baby.
Sending lots of hugs,
Yesterday in my counseling session my counselor and I spoke a lot about absolutes. I hate the "It's going to work out" or "I just know" it type things too...and honestly I am guilty of the opposite a lot of times. I am usually the one going, "I know this is NEVER going to work out," or "I am NEVER going to be a parent," "I am going to be miserable forever," and she is having me try to start working on making things less absolute. I wish everyone else could learn this too at the same time. Like you said, "I HOPE this works out" or "MAYBE this will work out," would be so much better.ReplyDelete
I remember someone saying this to me after I'd told them that we had no idea why Eliza died. I just stared with my mouth open because how could this random person be "sure it will all work out this time" when I JUST SAID that we don't know what went wrong the first time? People just don't know what to say when they're confronted with the kind of loss that we've had.ReplyDelete
Your love for your babies is so evident here, Becky, and I can just hear the ache that you feel. I'm so sorry that you have to endure this life without Liam and Evelynn. I hope and pray everyday that brighter tomorrows are ahead of you.
Quietly optimistic, realistically pessimistic. I tell people that's the best I can offer. xxxReplyDelete
Quietly optimistic, realistically pessimistic. I tell people that's the best I can do.ReplyDelete
Quietly optimistic, realistically pessimistic. I tell people that's the best I can offer. xxxReplyDelete
Hope for the best but expect the worst, that's what my life has taught me.ReplyDelete
That self hatred is something I know well. My oldest twins would be 5 in Feb, my son 4 in Nov, and my youngest twins turn 3 in a month. All were 2nd trimester babies because my body failed them. Sometimes the guilt is overwhelming and the anger, even now, is gutwrenching. I'd love to say that it goes away, that we move on, that things get better. But I think that, at some point, it just becomes part of who we are, and we learn to accept the feelings we cant change while working towards the best things we can for our kids- those here and those not.ReplyDelete
Found your blog through LFCA and just wanted to send my support and hope your way.
The angry is so understandable, you have EVERY right to be angry. I think we all just want this to work out for you of course, and we all know you are a wonderful mother to your kiddos.ReplyDelete
there are no words. I am so sorry. you are on my mind all of the time and I wish like heck there were something that I could do. You have more than reason to be angry and mad. I often ask myself why I didn't know that River was not going to wake up? What could I have done and why didn't I do it? We always feel guilt no matter when or how we lost our children. Please know that you are an amazing mama to both Liam and Evelynn. It's hard to believe some days, but you did everything that you could for both of them. You are on my mind always. We are here to support you, much love always.ReplyDelete
I never comment on blogs, but today I had to.ReplyDelete
I have lost three children. Hit by a drunk driver 35.4 weeks pregnant with my second (a son), my 19 month old daughter was in the back seat 2009. I lost both of them. I heard "it will be okay, next time, religious, etc.
Yet, I thought I was on the road to healing...my husband can't walk since that accident, we both have burned bodies. But, found out we were pregnant.
I had a stillborn with my my third at 38.3 weeks 2011.
It royally sucks. Its rare to find someone that "knows" it. I feel your pain. What the F*ck else can happen to us????
Anger is a great place to be in your healing. I will congratulate you on this step.
So, be pissed off and tell the entire f-ing
world. It helps. Be verbal, never apologize to anyone what you say or what you feel.
Truth is...your really mad at the world. Guess what, you are always going to be jealous and pissed off at anyone that is pregnant or has a baby. I learned to not lie to myself or hide that fact. You just want it too. FAIR!
Acceptance is next...that is the hard part. Good luck. That is where I am...tough stuff. But, go to a really really good therapist. It does work.
I've found life inside of me that I thought I lost forever. Even my thoughts of end it all are gone. I wake up each day with a smile...and I tell you, I got my babies with me each day.
You need to look into the footprints. (NOT a religious thing I promise. I am not at all!). It was an exercise with my therapist. Start looking down. Go to places with mud, sand, etc. You will see so many that are little, they will make you smile. They are EVERYWHERE!!!!
My therapists said: How do you know they aren't your child's? It keeps working for me today...keeps me sane.
Hugs to you! You will be okay. We just take a new mold as people after this much hurt. I like to thing of us as butterflies. We just change. Not because we want to, we just HAVE to. Its our new destiny.