Friday, March 29, 2013

Our Carrier is Pregnant- 12 weeks/ 3 Months

Yeah for this point!!!!

Here is baby measuring at 8 weeks and 6 days. Apparently he/she is quite active and at each u/s so far has been moving all over the place. Heartbeat was 171.

March 14, 2013
Since we have to be self pay, Jessica helped us work out a deal with the ob clinic and hospital. She was able to get us a 20% discount if we paid for everything in full right now. So today we paid off all of Jessica's prenatal care, the anatomy scan, and for a regular vaginal delivery. Now Dereck and I will be crossing our fingers that this pregnancy decides to stay complication free. 
Jessica also sent me a recording using my doppler I sent her, but for some reason I can't figure out how to upload it on my blog. It was nice to hear that sound though.

March 29, 2013
So here we are today, the big 12 weeks or 3 months. I am so happy that we are almost out of the first trimester.  I wish I could truly say that getting to this point means I can stop stressing about problems occurring. Afterall, miscarriage was never really the issue with me and pregnancies, not that I am not aware that it still could or could've happened. Anyone who has been following along is probably well aware that one of my main concerns is our baby having a birthdefect, spina bifida especially, like Liam had. We did the extra testing with Evelynn to make sure she was fine, but I don't think we are going to do any extra testing with this baby, beyond the anatomy scan that is, unless the doctor feels the need for it to be done. Hopefully after that I can breathe easy until we get close to that 36 week mark when I am sure I will go crazy until baby is born and in my arms alive and healthy.

The thing that kind of sucks about not getting any early testing done though, now I probably have to wait until the anatomy scan to find out what our little button is. Girl or Boy???

Also if you anyone noticed or not, I broke down and created a pregnancy ticker for this baby. The stork in the picture fits perfectly!!!!

Almost a 1/3 of the way through, approx. 28 weeks left, and less than 200 days remaining-but whose counting.

Monday, March 25, 2013

My Evelynn Bear is Here!!!!!!

I was having such a horrible day today, hence the previous post, and then my Molly Bear package arrived. I was bawling. I absolutely love her and love that her bear is pinked out and her correct weight.
Sister and Brother

11 Months Gone By

How can it be that we are on the count down to what should be my baby girls first birthday, here, not in heaven. I just keep doing more projects and exercising more and more to keep my mind occupied and to pass the time, but I'm just sad. You only can do so much and force yourself to put on a happy face for so long before you just can't handle it any longer. I just want what I want and I want it now.

I am also incredibly tired of all the pregnancies lately as well. It's not like any of this is new to me, but holy crap, is everyone pregnant or just had a baby. I swear I can count at least 10 people that I know IRL and I am sure their are many more that I just don't know about yet, but soon will. I know that we are technically among the pregnant ones, but it doesn't take away from the fact that I hate what I keep missing out on. Over two years now of just feeling like my life is on repeat and almost 5 years now of seeing everyone get what I want so badly. I find myself on so many of my low days cursing to myself under my breath. I truly don't won't others to feel my pain and yet at the same time I think I just wish that this would happen to someone else I know so I didn't have to feel like this huge freak. That's just me feeling sorry for myself though.

I can't wait until we are in Hawaii and can get some warmth and sunshine, but god does it suck that thoughts of knowing my time with my daughter was over and having a funeral for her were will be on my mind.

I guess I'll just end this here. I guess I don't have much to say and now the tears are starting to flow. And of course some more quotes from Pinterest because I love them and they really do say it better than what I can.

I love you Liam and Evelynn

Love you forever my baby girl:)

A friend went into Babies 'R' Us yesterday and said she saw these with my babies names on them and already next to each other on the shelf.

For you my little buddy. I miss you:)

Isn't this the truth:(

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Missing Her So Much Lately

It has been awhile since I have wrote about Her. It has been over 10 months now and I am really, really, really, really missing my baby girl a lot lately. For awhile their I think I was pretty occupied preparing for our gestational carrier stuff, so my mind was kept busy. We are at the point though, that last year at this time I remember finally getting to the point in my pregnancy with her that I truly believed things were going to work out, and she would be here still today alive and healthy, and in my arms in less than 2 months. We had had her baby shower and I remember telling everyone to be easy on the pink, that I was keeping things more neutral colored, and the fact that I hated pink.

Fast forward to after she passed away and even still today. I am so in love with pink. All these spring colors, especially the pinks I am seeing everywhere lately, are not helping. It's almost kind of depressing, for it makes me think of her and all that I have lost, again.

I wrote about doing pinterest/house remodeling projects to keep me busy. I can't handle sitting still right now. I literally go crazy. So instead I just don't stop moving. I paint, I tile, I organize. I did a lot in the 3 weeks Dereck was gone last. The crazy part is that I do it all alone and in silence. It is weird how I like the silence still. I have never really gotten over that since Liam passed away. I will also try to maybe post pictures one day of everything I have accomplished around our house.
How fitting is this?
I also have been trying so hard to get in shape again. I even just signed up for my first triathalon. I maybe overdoing it, but I like that between all my projects and the extra working out, I crash at night. I love it when I am able to sleep well.

These distractions are great, but I still can't escape this reality of mine for too long. On occasion I still have those nights in which my dreams torture me. In the past week and a half I have had quite a few of those, and I hate them. The first was where I found out we were having another girl. In the dream I was head over heels excited- that's actually a good one. Then came the next dream. In this one I found out we were having a boy, and just like I did when we first found out we were having Liam, I was mad he was a boy. I threw the largest tantrum in my dream about how I wanted my girl. I woke up angry and annoyed at myself because we could very well have another boy. Am I going to act that way again? I do want another boy. I love my boy. I miss my boy. I've just always wanted a girl. In all reality though, I am most annoyed with myself for even having a dream like this, throwing the tantrum in it about the baby being a boy, because what I really want is to have a baby live and to take home and love on. The next dream involved running into a friend who was 7 months pregnant and at the same time having my sister tell me in my dream that she was pregnant with her 4th, she just had her 3rd a few months ago. Then I had a dream I was prengant again and wasn't able to handle it, at all. The most recent dream was all about Evelynn, and redoing that entire night where my uterus ruptured. It was a fricken nightmare.

Anyways..... I have wanted to write for awhile now about how I have been feeling. I keep going back and forth between being so happy about our new baby and the hope of things continuing to go well and trying to distract myself from worrying and keeping my anger and sadness from creeping back in. I feel like I can't keep it in anymore and want to scream and cry. Today at work I think I feel like a patient of mine was the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. I have gotten used to having to ask patients about whether or not they are pregnant and listening to them be like, "hell no!" or "oh I am done with that, I have 5 already". Today though, I had the patient that we haven't seen in over a year who was finally coming in to finish where she started a year ago with us because, "oh I found out I was pregnant and so now I have had the baby and need to finally get my knee fixed." She says all this with the hugest smile and look of happiness and excitement. I glared back at her and I am pretty sure she could see that I looked annoyed. I try to put my issues aside with patients because I am there for them, but ever since then I have been in the pissiest mood, and now I work extra hours today and tomorrow at my other job and I just want to go home and cry.

I just hate this.

Evelynn's first birthday is coming up in just a month and half. I am finally starting to work on some of her stuff as well. Would you believe I still don't have pictures on my wall of her. I had some of Liam's up right away, but I have had such anger issues that looking at her pictures just made me too angry too look at. I found the most perfect frames and blew up a bunch of her NILMDTS pics. I also got a bunch of fake flowers to try and replicate her basket from her funeral and her wreath from her burial, just like I did with Liam's cross. I'm hoping to start on her scrapbook as well, but I just don't know when I will be mentally ready for that one. I have to work on her first birthday and her passing day as well. That's going to suck :( Hopefully what Dereck and I have planned will make things a little less crappy though. We have decided to take a short trip to Hawaii. Now I know I have complained about money with all this carrier stuff, but its not like that. If there is anything good that has came out of paying so many medical bills, it's the thousands of airline miles we have racked up. I mean seriously, who wouldn't go to Hawaii if you and your husbands airfare was $10rt, and we are going to camp to save on lodging. The trade off though is that I will not be able to go home for the new babies anatomy scan, which I really wanted to do. This trip is something that we need though, as we are both super stressed out and need a vacation that is not baby related, and some sunshine couldn't hurt.
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