Saturday, May 25, 2013

Our Carrier is Pregnant- 20 Weeks/5 Months

I can't believe we are finally here!!!!

Jessica went in for the 20 week anatomy scan on Thursday. Our plan was to hopefully have me Skype into it. Jessica let me know that morning that she was heading into the u/s room and would call me right away. 20 and then 30 minutes had passed with still no call, so I did what you can imagine and starting freaking out that they were trying to find a "good" way to tell me that Max died or something else really bad happened. I hate that my crazy blm mind automatically goes there. But then she called, I was able to breathe again, and she explained that the u/s tech had decided to just do the full anatomy scan first. We then turned skype on and the tech showed me Max. He was moving all over the place. It was a little pixely, but it was so awesome to finally get to see my little guy. I swore he even waved at me.

Their is one not really a concern, concern. Apparently Max's u/s shows what they call a echogenic foci in his left ventricle of his heart. Apparently their is like a 99% chance that what they see is actually a tendon, and so that is why I say it's not really a concern, because the doctor isn't. Me on the other hand am the concerned one. Granted he doesn't show any of the other signs that could mean that he has a chromosomal problem, but we have been part of that 1% more than once. We have the option of getting another u/s in a month or two to check his heart again or get this new blood test that will pull his DNA from Jessica's blood I guess and will let us know if he has any of the trisomies. I think that's how Jessica said it works. At any rate my paranoid side says that we need to do the blood test or I'll worry about it the rest of the pregnancy.

Otherwise, Max looks great and is measuring a week ahead of schedule.

Their are no signs of Spina Bifida!

Jessica's bleeding issue seems to have finally ended. 

And the Ob Dr. said we will have a scheduled induction no later than 39 weeks, which means he will be here by Oct. 4th if she doesn't go into labor sooner! That means we actually have like less than 19 weeks to go versus 20. Woot Woot!

Still a long road ahead, but it sure feels good to have come this far. Hopefully I'll have some pictures from that u/s soon to show everyone.

In other baby news I downloaded an app. to my phone the other day so that I could start recording messages to Max. I have since recorded a couple different books to him so that he can start to learn my voice. One of the books I read is from my childhood called A Rainbow of My Own, because Max is after all, better be, my rainbow that I finally get to bring home.I then ordered the Belly Buds off of Amazon and had them shipped to Jessica so that she can use those on her belly with my recordings for Max.

I will say this though, I never would have thought that I would have had a hard time with calling Max Liam, but I am. I caught myself multiple times while doing the recordings where I almost said Liam, caught myself, awkward pause, and then said Max. I even caught myself referring to Max as my little buddy, which is what I referred to Liam as during my pregnancy with him.

Operation Bring Milk Back for Max:

Started back on the Micronor (birth control pills that won't impact milk production) a couple weeks ago.

I had been talking more with my Pediatricians wife, who is his nurse and lactation consultant, about the 2 different meds that can help with bringing on lactation. Their is Regulin and Domperidone.

The Regulin is approved by the FDA, for use for GI problems, but just so happens to help in milk production. The bad news is that it has major side effects if not properly monitored. I don't like that.

The Domperidone seemed harder to get as it is not approved by the FDA for some reason or another. I don't get it because it has very little side effects and apparently works really well, and its purpose is actually for milk production. Apparently it raises the progesterone in your brain, just like with pregnancy, so you can produce milk.

The nurse called me last week and informed me that one of the local specialty pharmacies will compound the Domperidone for them for me. Score! Bad side to this is that insurance will not cover this med which looks like it will be about $400 a week. Not sure how long I'll need to be on it yet.. So hopefully not long.

She is going to look into a few more things relating to the Domperidone, see if I need to get any lab work or anything else done before I start it and the pumping, and then get back to me. Hopefully we can start soon. It is time consuming, but I am excited!

Also, this is maybe too much info for some of you out there, but I swear I must have great milkers because after that u/s appt. yesterday my right boob started leaking. I haven't been pumping. I haven't taken any meds. I have heard that looking at pics of your baby or being with your baby can aid in more milk production, but I am assuming that is usually after you have had a baby. Weird, but I'll take it.

Monday, May 20, 2013

May- Part 4: The Emotional Rollercoaster Continues on

When will it end. Emotionally this is one of the hardest months I have had in a long time. I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm depressed. I'm emotionless. I'm overly emotional. Life is great. I want to get hit by a bus or jump off a cliff.  I'm grateful. I'm jealous. I'm angry. I'm tired. I've had enough. I need Xanax, cuz I think I am losing my mind.

Question for all you mommas out there who now have your babies. Does the jealousy ever end? Does it ever get better? Will I ever be able to handle listening to anyone talk about pregnancy stuff? Or will I always just sit there cringing and hoping they stop talking about it sooner than later?

This past weekend was nonstop babies and baby talk and it was killing me. I hate looking like the uncaring jerk who ignores all conversation when baby stuff comes up, but I want no part of it. It sucks. I hate being like this, but it really is all I can do to keep it together.

My triathalon was on Sunday. I finished and I made my goal, but man compared to most people doing it, I got schooled, and did not do well for my age group. But at least I tried, right?

This being a huge event, there was of course tons of families there, and like most large gatherings like this, I really started to lose it. The night before the race we had to drop our bikes off and all of our gear. I could not believe the amount of moms hauling their bikes in with their babies in their carriers. There was also a bunch of other moms with their daughters pushing their bikes in together. Seeing all of this brought tears to my eyes instantly. All I could think about was how if Evelynn or Liam were here they could be at the finish line with their dad cheering me on like all the other families. Then I thought about how in 7 more years, Evelynn would be 8, and if she wanted she could do this triathalon with me, but now I may never get the chance to ever do any of the mother daughter events:(. There are definitely lots of events that Max and I could do together as well, but their are so many women only events that I fear I will never get to share with a daughter. My daughter who is supposed to be here and I am so mad right now.

I went to my car after dropping everything off and I cried, and cried, and cried the whole drive over to the work gathering I needed to go to after.

Then their was race day and all the families and moms and daughters, but there were also women there who were pregnant. I seriously wanted to slap all of those women and yell at them and say, "what the hell is wrong with you?" There was a lady there doing it who was 9 months pregnant, huge. Maybe I am just more concerned because of what I have been through, but all I could think about is how could any doctor approve of her or any of them doing this. I get it, you're in fabulous shape, BUT all it takes is for you to lose your balance and fall and land on that belly. I could picture one of them going down and that uterus rupturing. Maybe its just me, but why would you put your babies life at risk like that. I guess I am just an overparanoid freak now about these things.

It also all just made me wonder if I would have done this had Evelynn lived, even Liam. I had a friend do it with me who had her baby shortly after I had Evelynn, not to mention there were tons of other women there with pretty young babies. I had wanted to do this tri for the past couples years, but having just lost both my children right before, it didn't seem too appealing. I'd like to think I would've done it had any of my babies lived, but I'll never know this since it hasn't happened yet. I really hope that Max and Dereck will be there at the finish line next year if I decide to do it again.

For tonight now I am going to meet up with my grief group lady, again. I have been talking with her a lot this month as my mental health is not doing so well.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

May- Part 3: The 16th, A Day I Will Never Forget

May 16th, will forever be a sad day for me. This day, exactly one year apart from one another, we buried Liam and then Evelynn on.

Since I never got around to posting pictures of Evelynn's burial, and the 16th weighed heavy on my heart, I feel that this would be the perfect time to do it.

Evelynn's Burial-May 16, 2012

Here is the wreath that I tried to replicate. So beautiful!
My beautiful little princess.
Right next to her brother.
The flowers I planted at the cemetery for them.

A Perfect Burial For A Perfect Baby Girl.

I sure do miss them both though.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

May- Part 2: The day after Mothers Day. A Day Worth Remembering

I wasn't going to write about Mother's Day this year as I really felt I had nothing new to say about that day that was different than what I've said the past 2 years since Liam passed. I hate the day. I am jealous of everyone who has their children in their arms. All the cards and pictures of Mothers day stuff posted all over facebook from happy mothers made me cry.  However, I am forever grateful for all the people that thought about me that day, the ones that remembered and recognized that I am a mom and through that showed me that they remembered my babies, and that really is the greatest gift anyone can give me.

Here's a fun little story about my mothers day 2013.

As many of you know, or have read, I have been having a pretty hard time lately. I woke up that morning and was happy to have seen the comments from people who emailed, texted, messaged, and so forth that let me know I was thought of that day, but for the most part I just tried go about my day as normal. I stayed occupied most of the day with doing a run through of my triathlon that is this coming weekend, went rock climbing, and started to get my garden stuff organzied. I have some serious garden fever going on.

Then that night happened and my dog got super sick, as in projectile diarrhea all over my Jeep and in the house on the floors, stairs, and walls. Cleaning that up was not what I wanted to do. Happy Mothers to me! I decided to just do a quick clean and figured I would do a better job after work on Monday, but I just couldn't handle that right now.

After work on Monday I was dreading what my evening was going to entail. I got the Jeep cleaned, somewhat, but it will be getting detailed next week because it really was everywhere. Then I figured that since I had already been cleaning crap, literally, I might as well finish cleaning the backyard up of the winters worth of dog poo-which needed to be done nonetheless. As I scooped the poop I cussed and bawled my eyes out the whole time about how I hated my stupid life. I was being very over dramatic about it, but it had already not been a good week for me.

Then I went and got the mail. This is the point everything changed for me and made for another very awesome, minus the not having your baby here, just a day belated mothers day.

First, I got this in the mail from Jessica along with all of the u/s pics that had been done so far of Max. I cried some more at how thoughtful that was of her.

Then I decided to rake the front yard, unknowing that my FABULOUS friend Liz and her husband had been circling my neighborhood waiting for me to go inside so they could drop off this beautiful planter for me in memory of Evelynn.

In Loving Memory of Evelynn Augusta Rasmussen. The Sorrow of Losing You Does Not Overshadow the Joy of Being Able to Love you!
Remember this bench? The beautiful bench that my amazing Alaskan family gave me for Mothers 2011 after Liam passed. You can read more about that here if you would like to know about that. 

The doorbell had rang and there was a note on my doorstep that had told me to look in my backyard. I don't have the note on me as I type this, but it pretty much said that they wished I had my baby here instead of a planter, but they just wanted to let me know that they were thinking of me. And of course signed from your Alaskan family.

So I cried, and cried, and cried some more and all my worries and stress just kind of went away as I thought about the amazing people I have in my life. They go above and beyond to let me know they are here for me, remembering my babies, and want more than anything for me to finally bring a baby home.

It was definitely a day worth remembering.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

May- Part 1: My Anger

I had started this post quite a few days ago because I had still just been so angry and really needed a place to vent. I feel that their will always be this part of me that will always have a hard time from April 22nd(Evelynn's birthday through about May 16th(The day we buried Liam and Evelynn on, one year apart from one another). May had not started out well for me, although a lot has changed since I first started this post, and it seems to be slowly getting better.

Here a few of the bigger things that I let get to me.

-One of the first things that really got to me were a few comments from people that read my blog and felt the need to criticize me for "what my son is going to think if he ever reads my blog about how I cried and was disappointed when I found out he was a boy."

Let me clarify. Yes, I did want another girl. I have always wanted a daughter, not to mention I just lost my daughter. I also wanted another boy after I lost Liam. Doesn't mean I don't love any of my children any more or less. Plus, you can't honestly tell me I am the first person who has ever felt a little disappointed-the only difference is their children probably all have lived and they have never had to truly no what it's like to grieve that loss. Plus, I beat myself up enough about this already. I don't need more reasons to get angry and down on myself.
-Then their is the people that feel the need to tell me I shouldn't bother with trying to breastfeed my son when he is born. That it is a lot of work and time to bring my milk back and I have enough stressing me out, so why add another thing. That I should just be happy he is alive and quit trying to doing everything.

Well people you all piss me off. I have lost so much already when it comes to having a baby I want at least this one thing. Yes, the important thing is that he is healthy, but if you know anything at all about breastfeeding you would know that breastmilk is one of the healthiest things you can give your baby, and if I can give my baby the best, I want to do it. Then their is that unbelievable bond that grows between you and your child when you breastfeed them. I want to do as much as I can for my children.

-I think my favorite is the people that feel the need to complain to me about being pregnant, some even before they are pregnant!

Okay, seriously think, think, think, think, think about it! Do you really think I am someone who wants to listen to somebody else complain about morning sickness. If that is your only issue, I am beyond jealous. How about hearing your baby has a birth defect and then get fetal surgery only to learn that he died. Or go through a pregnancy grieving one child while fearing the day your uterus will rupture or something else goes wrong, only to have that child die in the end as well. Ugh! I think one of my favorites next to that is people telling me they are scared of labor. I would love to be able to have a baby vaginally. Painful, probably, but I'll never know. You know what I do know though? Pain and lots of lots of sadness. And I'll tell you the emotional is a thousand times worse than the physical. If I am lucky I may be able to deliver a healthy baby via c-section one day, but venturing down that road again, well that is something to be frightened about. And plus, I seriously don't even like hearing happy news. A friend, not a super close one, but a friend, just had her baby the other day. Am I happy for her, yes. Did I bawl my eyes out when I heard the news, yes. Did I still send her a "congrats",  yes. Do I want to go visit her and the baby, no. I am glad I am not hearing more sad news, but I am still super jealous of all these people.

-I get a lot of people that ask how I handle it being so far away from Jessica, which is fine. I don't mind talking about the prengancy and how things are going with it. What gets me though is the people that don't understand why I would want to get back to MN/ND to be closer to Jessica the last weeks of pregnancy versus just waiting until I hear they think the baby will be coming soon.

Honestly I kind of like it that we are so separated by distance. Pregnancy stresses me out and sometimes the not knowing is the best thing. Plus, Jessica is amazing in that she tells me when their is something I need to know and answers my questions when I am worried and need to know things are okay.The whole out of sight, out of mind thing is really good for me right now. Saying that though, you also have to remember that I lost my daughter at 36 weeks and 2 day. I can't say for sure how I am going to feel as time draws closer to that week of pregnancy, but I can tell you I don't think sitting at home and trying to get through my normal day to day activities is going to work for me. Nothing is set yet but right now we are thinking I would go back to the MN/ND about 34 weeks. I don't plan to be all annoying and breathing down her neck every minute of every day in those last weeks, but Alaska isn't a quick or cheap flight if something happens, and I don't want to miss it. I know that many that mention these types of things to me don't understand it because they are the ones that haven't experienced what I have. They don't know babyloss and they surely don't know what it's like to have someone else carry your baby.They are the ones that think pregnancy is so easy and there is nothing to worry about and yaddi yaddi yaddi, but that is not how I see it. No way am I gonna sit around waiting for a call and then try to pick up and leave last minute.

-Here is the BIG ONE, the one that has really bothered me. This one all revolves my anger and blame with how we were treated the night my uterus ruptured.
I blamed myself for what happened with Liam for a long time. Slowly overtime I have become more at peace with it. With Evelynn I still struggle with the blame game. I blamed myself for a long time, but lately more so at the hospital. I have been sharing my story more and more with people, and it seems the more I share it, the more I hear people ask me if we went after the hospital for making us wait. I was definitely mad at triage, still am, when I first called when I started having those horrible abdominal pains. I was told to call them first before ever going in, but got told by the person who answered that they were too busy and that they would call me back. I kick myself still that if I should've just left immediately for the hospital verses sitting around waiting for that call, which by the way came sometime after we were already at that hospital. Wouldn't the right thing to have been to have just told me to go straight to the hospital? Then there is when we arrived at the hospital and got to triage. I am in a wheelchair, barely able to sit up, telling them I am in a lot of pain, but get told that they are busy right now and I need to wait. I don't know what it is normally like in triage, as I had never been there before, but assumed if someone came in in horrible pain they would get put ahead. But maybe lots of women come in complaining about horrible pains and it is normally nothing. It wasn't until I thought my water broke, which was actually blood from my uterus rupturing, for them to be like "oh, we better get you back to a room." Things moved fast from their and a lot of it I don't remember, but I do I remember being in so much as they were trying to rip my clothes off me and at the same time get an u/s. They were telling me that they can't find a heartbeat, then finally deciding they better call an Ob dr., and yet still talking about just making me have a vaginal delivery, even after we told them that I am never supposed to go into labor, let alone have a regular delivery. I don't know if this is considered negligence on the staff's behalf but I have been thinking about all of this so much lately and it has only added to my anger. It's the what if's.

I know of numerous people in my uterine rupture group who have filed lawsuits against the hospitals after they had their ruptures. I have never beenthe "sue happy type". I work in the medical field and understand that we are all only human, and humans make mistakes, even doctors sometimes. In my case I think the surgeon did a great job. When the she finally showed up they got Evelynn out immediately, I lost very little blood, and she savedmy uterus. My issues are with the staff though. I guess I just feel that they didn't act as promptly as they should've. Am I wrong to be this stressed and angry at the hospital staff. I don't think they were purposefully trying to ignore my concerns, but I also get super nervous thinking about future pregnancies, if that were to ever happen with me, or even other women that come in(or try to call) and have serious issues going on, and get told to just wait. I looked into lawyers right away, just thinking even talking to someone about what happened to see what they have to say about it, but haven't actually talked to anyone yet. As I said above I am actually started to feel better and my anger has for the most part subsided for now, so I feel like maybe I should jsut leave it alone. I don't know. I am even going in for my yearly with my Ob at the beginning of June and thinking I may bring up my concerns with her.

-Most of all I am annoyed with myself.

Annoyed that I let so much of these comments and my anger run my life. I let everything get to me. I wish I could just learn to let things be, but when it comes to my babies and loss, it doesn't come easy.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Evelynn's Milk

So since I just briefly mentioned in my last post about how much I donated when I was pumping Evelynn's breastmilk and donating it, I thought I would finally finish up the post I started many, many, many months ago and never published.

A little recap

I first decided I wanted to donate Evelynn's breastmilk while I was still in the hospital and knew that Evelynn wasn't going to make it. I knew my milk was going to be coming in, as it did within a day or two of Liam's passing, and felt that it would be a wonderful thing to do in her memory. That if she couldn't have her milk then at least it could go to another baby(s) that were in need.

Through the Nursing Boutique at the hospital I was set up with the Mothers Milk Bank. They were not able to take my milk the first week or two because of the medications I had been on from the c-section, but a lady on Craigslist was in need of breastmilk for her baby, so I was able to donate about 30 ounces to her right away, and then once I stopped donating to the milk bank because of the meds I had needed to get on from this rash that I had developed, she was able to take that milk as well. The Milk Bank was very strict on donated milk if medications had been taken because most of the milk goes to fragile NICU patients that can't handle it like older healthier babies can.

At first I remember it being very painful, but I was determined to do this for my daughter. I got help with it, it took a lot of time and dedication, but eventually I was pumping about 6 times a day, about every 3-4 hours. It was time consuming for sure, but at the same time it was a time in my day that I had to stop and sit and just be in that moment. I would think about Evelynn and all the babies this was helping. At first my daily pumpings would total around 15oz, then up to 20-25oz, and at the end I would get approx. 30-35oz. It would equal about a gallon every 3-4 days. Sometimes I would look down at my boobs and just think "these things are fricken amazing!"

I pumped at home, in the car, at the airport, and in an outhouse and camp shed on a camping trip. I wasn't shy.

I wrote about that stupid rash I got many months ago, last fall now, when I first got it. It was because of that, that I had to stop donating because of the steroids I was on. I needed to stop anyway because I needed my body to get back into pregnancy mode for our IVF cycle, but it was super hard giving it up. I would cry just thinking about giving it up. This was the last real connection I had with my daughter. This was her milk. It was only here because it was meant for her, and when it dried up it would be gone.

There is also other things of course that mad me not want to quit. I almost felt like a pumping junky. I had crazy amounts of energy since I had started pumping, at least I attributed it all to the pumping. I never had that kind of energy after Liam passed. I know it was a different baby, it was a different season, different everything, but I believed it had to be from the hormones producing the milk. Not to mention how much weight I lost. I was afraid that once I stop pumping I would lose that energy and then just get very depressed and not want to do anything. The energy kept me busy doing projects, which kept my mind distracted.

When I did finally stop about mid last September, I was right and I lost that energy and I became very depressed and my anger took over. But we don't need to get into that ugly time in my life again. If you want to know then read my posts from that time.

Here is a copy of the 2 emails from the lady I was working with at the Milk Bank when I was finished donating

Hi Becky,
I thought you might want to know where your 16 gallons of milk went:
3 different hospitals in Denver, including a children’s hospital
2 hospitals in Portland, OR, including a children’s hospital
2 hospitals in Missouri - one in Kansas City and one in St. Louis
A hospital in Colorado Springs, CO
A hospital in Grand Junction, CO
6 outpatient infants, including 2 sets of twins, one adopted baby, and one baby who was born severely prematurely who is now home but has multiple chronic health problems and is still on a ventilator.
This is impressive, especially since each hospital on the list takes large volumes of milk to use mostly in NICUs and a little in the healthy baby nurseries.
and the other email
I agree, it is so important to remember the incredible number of babies your daughter’s milk helped. Your total volume donated is 2,051 oz, or 16 gallons. That is an amazing number! The Milk Bank, the babies you helped, and the families of those babies are all grateful for the effort you put in to donating your precious milk. What a beautiful legacy.

I’m going to hand your chart over to our secretary for retirement. Expect a small gift and letter in the mail within the next few weeks. Thank you so much for being a donor!

They gave me a cookbook called Cookies and Milk and a letter thanking me again for all that I was able to donate.

I am in the process now of working on trying to bring my milk back for Max. I hope it works and I can produce him lots of milk, and also so that we can have that close mother/baby bonding experience that comes with breastfeeding.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Evelynn- A Year Gone By

In my recent post I talked about being rather emotional during the month of April. It was that way up until the few days before Evelynn's birthday and pretty much everyday since. It's like that Saturday came, her birthday being on that following Monday, and I just became emotionless. I also still had no real desire to do anything for her birthday. When I would think about it I would just get angry about how she should be here. Then the blame game would start where I would think about how I feel the Dr.s and triage all screwed me and Evelynn would be here if they weren't so stingy on wanting to wait until 37 weeks to deliver her. I actually haven't been sleeping very well because that very thought has been haunting me many nights recently.

So her birthday came and I went to work and forced myself to get through the day. I did my job and kept to myself. I went for a walk that night with a friend and that was all. Tuesday Dereck and I pretty much got ready for Hawaii and did some errands and stuff around the house. I then went to work again on Wednesday, and left for Hawaii when I got off. So we spent the rest of her passing day on an airplane. I feel like I should've done more for her on her special days, but like I said, the more I thought about, the angrier I got. So I just didn't think about much of anything, except for getting to some sunshine.

In the weeks leading up to her birthday though I worked very hard on redoing the basket from her funeral and the wreath from her burial. I am still working on trying to find a place to hang them in my house. I became obsessed working on them. At one point I went to Michaels or Joann's everyday for about a week or two straight, for about 2 hours at a time, just staring at fake flowers, trying to find the right ones for her. I went a little overboard with it, like serious OCD, and just forced myself to finish them before I drove myself nuts, even if they weren't as exact or as perfect as I wanted. I love the basket best, the wreath is a bit much and doesn't quite look as much like the original as I wanted, but they are done.....for now.
funeral basket
burial wreath

A friend of mine, who I met through grief group, created a nonprofit organization called Owen's Milk Money after she lost her son at 8 months old. I think I have mentioned her before and how she and the Nursing Boutique helped me get started with my pumping after Evelynn passed. She does numerous fundraisers every year to help raise money for the boutique so that mothers that need help with breastfeeding and pumping, but can't afford some of the products, can do so. This recent event was part of a First Friday event here in Anchorage. First Fridays are where locals artists share their work and people can buy it if they want. She has done this event the last couple of years, but the art work she displays isn't for sale, instead it is to raise awareness about breastfeeding. She had asked me to donate some sort of picture of my time pumping for Evelynn. The Breastfeeding Mommies of Alaska also helped get a silent auction going for her event, so I put together a gift basket for that. I have to say I got pretty good at assembling gift baskets after our fundraiser, and glad now that I could give back to her and others that helped me, both after we lost Evelynn and helping us raise money for our carrier stuff. So this is what Dereck and I came up with and got finished before we went to Hawaii.

Not sure if you can read the sign or not about how much I donated. I don't think I ever published a post about how much I did in the end. I'll get on that.
In Loving Memory of Evelynn Augusta Rasmussen- 4/22/12-4/24/12

Also, a big thank you to everyone who sent me messages, called me, visited me, brought me flowers, coffee, cards, and so forth for Evelynn's birthday. I love that so many thought of her and miss her like I do.

Dereck sister is so AWESOME! She had a first birthday party with her kids for Evelynn's birthday! Love her for always remembering my babies!

from Gale at

From Shauna at
For Liam and Evelynn, I've always loved this quote, but this is sooo cute!

Monday, May 6, 2013

Time For Change

Finally catching up with all my half finished blog posts.....

The week before Evelynn's birthday and we went to Hawaii, I had a visit with my grief group lady. I still try to check in with her at least once a month, but it's been almost 8-9 months since I last went to group, and I just don't think I'll ever go back, but being able to visit with her is always nice.

I had mentioned in earlier posts that I had been more on the emotional side, with almost daily cries again. Well, as soon as I got to her office the tears just started flowing and they wouldn't stop. I could hardly say anything for about the first 10 minutes because they just wouldn't stop coming. It's like they just knew that there, with her, it was okay to just let it all out.
She asked what we had planned for Evelynn's birthday, and I didn't have an answer for her. I just kept saying that I didn't know what to do. I really just wanted to get through the next few days of work and then get to Hawaii. I thought that there we would cry, be together, and do something to honor and remember Evelynn, and Liam as well.

She brought up all sorts of different ideas and things I could do for her birthday. These were all things that I had heard of before, like for the last 2+ years since I first joined this darn club, but nothing seemed right for my girl. Even with Liam, the idea of "celebrating" just doesn't work with me.

We also talked about all my pinterest/nesting/keeping busy projects as well as Jessica and our new baby, and then said our goodbyes.

When I got to my car the tears came back again, followed by so much of my anger. I don't where it came from, but it was there, making me angrier than ever.

When I got home I had decided that a "real change" needed to happen and it needed to happen now. This change I am talking about is with the nursery. That gall darn nursery that we picked out over 2 1/2 years ago that has yet to be used. I kind of felt a little crazy when I did this because I was super worked up, but within about two hours I had that entire nursery ripped apart and pretty much moved into the spare room across the hall. This room I had painted a lightish tan, beige color, with white trim after we had that water damage last winter. It's a very neutral, very basic room color, but way better than the bright green that I have looked at, and thought was a perfect nursery color, for the past 2 some years. I am beyond over it. I also decided that I no longer wanted the baby deer theme that we had first picked out for Liam. I love it, but I am so done with that as well. I think I may try to do a pinterest type project with all the different baby deer accessories, but not sure if any of it will still be used in the nursery or not. Plus, I had already been wanting to add butterflies into the nursery, so now it just may end up being all butterflies. Who knows, but for now we are starting over with a new nursery, new colors, new theme, and new baby. Maybe this is a good thing.

Once we got home from Hawaii, after we had learned that our new baby was a boy, I knew right away that I had to pack up all of the pink and Evelynn's girly clothes right away. It's all in one big bin now. It was hard to pack it all up, with thoughts of "Will I ever get another girl to wear all of Evelynn's pretty clothes" continuously running through my head. I think it was good to do already though. Now I can concentrate on creating this new nursery for Max.

I also want to share this blog post that I read the other week. After reading it, it really made me think about the "What if" and "Where would I be right now" if IVF had never been invented? If Jessica hadn't been willing to help us?

Would we have tried to adopt?
Would we hiding away from all babies and prego people, even more than we do now, just counting down the days until we could try and get pregnant again?

I read a lot of the comments to that post about how some people just not to continue with IVF or not, or just live child free. I guess I don't know for sure, but I do feel that we got pretty lucky with Jessica, IVF worked for us, and our little embie took right away. For that, considering all the other obstacles we have been faced with, I can say I am grateful for.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Aloha My Loves!

Your father and I thought about you all while we were in Hawaii this last week.
Liam and Evelynn, we miss you both so much.
Evelynn, our hearts were heavy as we remembered last year at this time and what should be. 
Max, if you are reading this. During our time in Oahu is when we learned you were a little boy. We already had your name picked out and announced it to the world.
Love you all, Mom
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