Sunday, July 31, 2011

The Blissful Beginnings Of Starting A Family

It seems as though July and August this summer is the time to get married and it really gets me thinking about when I got married and my feelings toward starting a family of my own then compared to what my life is now. Today I went to a wedding celebration BBQ for some friends who got married about 3 weeks ago and last night I went to a bachelorette party, followed by another next weekend. Then 2 weekends in a row in a few weeks I will be at the weddings. Lots of weddings, parties, and celebrations full of happy friends and family.

I had a blast last night. I had a few drinks, laughed, danced, and biked around in biker chick outfits. Yes, it was a biker chick themed bachelorette party and it was a blast. Now I know I have said it a million other times but I had a great time but thought about Liam and being a mom the entire evening. He is always on my mind whether I am thinking about how I would have had to get home early for the sitter, that is of course if Dereck was gone for work, or paying attention to the time so I could get enough sleep in before I got woken up to a hungry baby the next morning. I think about stuff like this every time I go anywhere. The thoughts change with the circumstance but they all revolve around the same thing. I don't think these thoughts will ever go away.

Take today for instance, it was a nice little BBQ and I knew the majority of the people there. One girl I new, were not close though, had her little boy who's about 1 or so years old, and then another couple shows up who I don't know comes in with an even younger baby girl, maybe 6 months old I'm guessing. It is rare for me to start crying anymore when I see these little ones nor will anyone notice from looking at me that it pains me at all, but it definitely affects me, just not like it used to. People always want to hold the babies and ask hundreds of questions and laugh at all the adorable things they do. To be a baby loss mom and have to sit and watch this go on is so unfair. It makes me wonder what it would be like to show up with my little guy and get these same comments and reactions. I will never get asked how Liam is doing, how old he is now, or get told how much he has grown since the last time so and so has seen him. To many that don't know my story I probably just appear that I have no children and/or no interest in there babies.

Back to getting married. All of these friends are getting married and are incredibly happy to start this next chapter in there life. Now I have friends that aren't married and never want to have kids, friends that are married and already have kids, and then of course there are the friends that are getting married but just want to have fun and hold off on having kids for quite a few years. I remember getting married and knowing I wanted to have kids reasonably soon. Dereck and I had only lived in Alaska for a year and a half when we got married. I loved Alaska and went into the ttc time thinking that it will be okay if it doesn't happen right away because I am loving Alaska and all of the friends I have made and all of the adventures to still be had.
But then of course it happens that your not able to get pregnant as soon as you thought it should happen and you convince yourself to look into more options and see if there's a problem but at the same time thinking that your still young and you have time. You set up a plan with yourself that you got married and things are great and you will have at least one child by the time your 30. Things of course don't go as planned since your body doesn't seem to want to follow the game plan as you like and have to start looking into infertility crap. Then you finally get pregnant and think alright we are still on track since the baby will be born a couple months after you turn 30. You become a mom and finally get to meet your precious little boy just 3 weeks before your 30th birthday, but of course he can't stick around for reasons you'll never know the answer to.

So as I think about how happy I am for all my friends who are already married and have kids and how lucky they are that things are going good for them I also think about the friends who are just starting this next chapter in there life. Will they get pregnant when they are ready or will it be a big surprise, will it come easy or will they need help with it, and will there babies all come into this world screaming and outlive there parents. Or could it end up that there lives get flipped upside down in the matter of minutes and they are forever changed. Now I have said this many times that I don't wish this upon anyone because it is has been hell for me lately but the thing is that no one knows what's going to happen. I guess what I'm getting at is that I am happy for everyone who is happy, they all should be and deserve to be. But every time I see others happiness there is that small part of me that remembers when I never thought life could throw this at me. I would like to go back to the time when I didn't completely know and understand first hand that things, like pregnancy, don't always work out. Maybe even just believe that stuff like that only happens to other people. A time when I thought the little things were a major life crisis. I'll never get that back.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Thinking A Little More Clearly

Here is what I wrote the other day when I was still furious after my Dr. appt:

I am probably being just a huge baby about everything but I am just so tired of all of this. I am to the point that I don't know what else to do other than just take down all of my pictures of Liam in the house and pack up anything that's visible that reminds me of him and just put it all away. Out of sight out of mind, right? This pain is just eating away at me and I can't handle it. I am trying to stay busy and not think so hard about EVERYTHING, but it is impossible it seems. I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I am torn. Some people would prefer I just be happy, move on, quite stressing, and have a nothing you can do about it attitude. The rest make me feel like if I am stressing this bad over not being able to get pregnant than maybe I just am not ready to get pregnant. They want me to wait, just give yourself more time to grieve they say. Then I get treated like I am just trying to replace Liam with a new pregnancy and that I think all my worries will go away with a new baby. Ugh!

So that was the other day and I have calmed down now. I did however take all of Liam's pictures down and put them away. I now feel like I need to take them back out though. I love looking at all of his pictures. I had them all over my house,spread across the mantel and hanging in our bedroom. I have never cared what people thought about them, yes they are pictures of a deceased baby boy, but he is my baby boy and I love him. I know the out of sight out of mind thing wouldn't work for me anyway and truthfully it would be wrong of me to try and do.

Since my counselor that I had been seeing left the country over 2 months ago now I haven't been seeing/talking to anyone about my grief except at grief group and with some friends. I decided that maybe I needed to talk to someone again since I took the news from my Dr. the other day really, really hard. I didn't know where to go and I really didn't want to start from the beginning with my whole story again. My last counselor had given me a list of referrals but none of them my ins. covered so I randomly chose a name off my ins. provider list. I called and made an appt with the counselor and she just so happened to have a cancellation that afternoon. I went in and met with her and discovered that she specializes in womens health, like fertility issues, and actually gets a lot of referrals from the infertility dr.'s in town. What are the chances I choose randomly off a list and got what seems to be the perfect person. I shared with her my story of Liam and how we are ttc again. She seems nice and I feel pretty comfortable talking with her. Maybe she will be good for me with my grieving, stress from ttc again, and WHEN I get pregnant again can help me with all my crazy fears and worries.

I also spoke with my Ob dr. yesterday. I had a lot of questions and my counselor wanted me to try and set up a game plan. I asked her about the use of Clomid and IUI's and just how many cycles she would do of it before we'd try something else. She said she would like to do 6 before moving on because I did afterall get pregnant with Liam on my 2nd IUI last time. She did mention also that if I wanted to try a diff. drug than Clomid we could do that but she would like me to try a double dose of Clomid first. She also had to remind me about the chance of getting pregnant with or without help is still only around 10-25% a month. I often forget that. Just jealous of all the people that have gotten knocked up on the first try I guess. My dr. also said that we can't really count this month as a trying month because most likely I didn't/won't ovulate. Although like I said in my last post she did say there is a very small chance I could've and we could be pregnant on our own. It would be a nice surprise but I am not getting that thought in my head, I feel even thinking about it I am jinxing myself already. I am confused though on why we wouldn't count this month since not ovulating is obviously a problem I have dealt with it for a long time, but she is the Dr. and I believe she is doing what's best for me and trust her completely.

All in all the last half of my week is going better. I am thinking a little clearer now, feeling very little stress at the moment, and excited for good friends bachelorette party tomorrow!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

FML! That is how I feel right now, this month, this year. Why can't things just go my way, why, why, why? I went to my Ob appt today to check on my follicles and set a day for my HCG injection and IUI. The appt was horrible and I left in tears. So much crying, I can take it anymore. My Dr. took a  look at my follicles and they just decided they weren't going to grow again, even smaller and slower than last month. By now they should be almost double the size they are, but they are not. My Dr. said that there is no point in doing anything this cycle, no inj. and no IUI, because if the follicles do end up growing more in the next week to be big enough for a mature egg there will not be enough time for implantation before my period would begin. She told me and Dereck to just go home and have sex as much as when can and maybe we will get lucky on our own. She said she doesn't want to say there is absolutely no chance we could get pregnant, but that the chance is very, very small. I am so pissed.
I know it is only our second month trying but getting told your ovaries are barely responding to the Clomid sucks. Ovaries why can't you just ovulate like a normal person and do your fricken job? What a fricken waste of all the money we just spent on u/s when we can't even proceed with the IUI. She said that next time she will double my Clomid and hopefully that will stimulate them enough. The worst part about all this is that it probably won't happen until late September now since Dereck probably won't be able to get off work in August for the next cycle. Dereck is home now, off work 5 days early, so he wouldn't miss my ovulation and now its practically pointless. I guess there is a very small chance, but like I will even allow myself to believe that it could actually happen.

Why is this happening to us, I just don't understand. Why me and Dereck, why us? Why any of us blm's really? Haven't we been through enough? What did we do to deserve to get shit on like this? I am so tired of always being so stressed and depressed. I just want to be happy again.

Friday, July 22, 2011

TTC Month 2

As I mentioned in my post from Tuesday I have been trying to keep busy this month. Truthfully I haven't been a huge fan of July so far. I have been busy and having lots of fun, but trying so hard not to think about all the things I could have done, haven't done, might do, or shouldn't do that could result in me getting pregnant and having a healthy baby. I was so happy in June. It was exciting knowing that the 6 month wait was ending and it was time to try again. I put so much hope in the first cycle being the one that when I found out last Monday I wasn't pregnant I was really down for a few days there, really I still am pretty down about it. I was also making myself rather crazy during the waiting period after my IUI, which I am sure wasn't healthy for me to be freaking out as much as I was. It kind of worries me that I will be like that through my entire next pregnancy, whenever that happens, but Yikes!

So here I am again. I finished my Clomid this past weekend and got my u/s follicle check today. Dereck was able to get off work 5 days early so he will be back on Monday so he wouldn't miss it if they were ready. Monday will be day 15. My follicles are growing nice and slow like last month, uhhhh, so they won't be ready my dr. says for another 5-6 days probably. It's not bad news, just not the news I wanted. I wanted to hear that this month that there were tons of them and they were growing good and we would actually be ready for our IUI on Monday, instead it won't happen till late in my cycle again. I don't like that because I have been doing a lot of reading(got to stop doing this so much) but everything I've read says your chances of getting pregnant drop the closer you get to your next period day. Why couldn't my body be normal and ovulate with the average population around day 14. Frustrates me, but I guess I should be happy I'm actually ovulating.

Really wish I could be more excited for this cycle but I am not, and I won't let myself get that way. Like I said I just got to stay busy and don't think about it. The worrying and stress I keep putting myself through isn't going to get me pregnant any faster and then when I get the BFN I get more depressed. So this cycle I am just trying not to think about it too much and just take things day by day. Let's hope it works because mentally/emotionally I'm just not handling it well. I have even told a few of my friends who want to try and get pregnant soon that they better not beat me to it. Like they are going to wait for me to get prego first. I'm just a little bitter these days can't you tell. I want to get pregnant and I want to get pregnant now.

Update on grief group
So I talked to the facilitator about me and Dereck trying again and what she thought about me talking to the group about it. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and that's why in a past post I was curious what everybody thought about sharing that info with the group. She said it is something that I should definitely share if I am having a hard time dealing with ttc and even when I get pregnant because she knows how hard it is to have another child after losing one.
So last night I eased into it saying that we had tried last cycle and how hard this past week and half has been on me since I found out we weren't pregnant. I then asked the group how they would feel if I was pregnant because I want to go to group when I am pregant and will need support from others since I know I will be stressing about the pregnancy while still grieving Liam. If only there was a pregnancy support after loss group, but there is not. Everyone said they would be fine with it and actually would be very happy for me, they might cry but are happy because they want the same support back when they are ttc/pregnant again also. Still a little worried if new people join the group, especially if there loss is fresh. I guess I'll just have to feel out each meeting and do what seems appropriate that night.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Right Where We Are

Today is July 20th. One year ago today I got my IUI that got me pregnant with Liam. Not much to say about it other than it sucks that he isn't here and I am in the same spot I was in just a year earlier.

I also just have to say how much I love this! I hope everyone who participated in the Right Where I am Project gets a chance to see it. It was created by Josh at JackatRandom who lost his second child. He used bits and pieces of all 160 of us blm's blog posts who participated in this project.
Found mine that I wrote when I was at 5 Months- I just wish I didn't have to lose him to realize all of this. Included at the end is also a section with all our babies names listed out- Liam- sigh

This is what he wrote about it:
This piece is dedicated to the 160 babyloss parents who took part in Angie's epic Right Where I Am project (as of July 18) and to all of our babies that were lost. It is also dedicated to the thousands of faceless parents around the world that lose babies every year (some 30,000 in America alone). I originally joined the project because I wanted to soak up as much as I could from everyone who has gone before us. And as I feel Margot slipping away from me as the days without her trudge on, I felt like this was a way for me to be close to her and to honor her death. So, I read and read and read, all the way up to last night, when I read and filed away the 160th post in the project.

I just want to say a huge thank-you to all of the babyloss parents who participated. Words cannot describe the gratitude I feel for each one of you, whether you are years out from your loss or just a few weeks or months. Each and every post, whether heart breaking or hopeful or a blend of the two, was so meaningful and raw and beautiful in it's own right. There is solace in this beautiful mess of a community we have formed since all of our losses. I titled this piece Right Where We Are because in some strange and mysterious way, no matter how many miles separate us, we are in this TOGETHER. There is strength in numbers and I pull from your strength every day.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Keeping Busy

The last couple of weekends I have gotten out quite a bit, doing a lot of hiking and camping. Feels good to get out and doing all the things I love to do again. Just wish Liam could be here. I drove down to Seward on Friday night to meet a good friend who I was going to be hiking and camping with. I was worried about the drive alone. I am not a huge fan of driving long distances the way it is and here I was alone. The drive turned out to be beautiful, clear skies with a gorgeous sunset, and went fairly fast. About 20 minutes into my drive though I broke out crying thinking about how Liam should be here and he is missing this. I really do love this state and it makes me so mad that he can't be here to enjoy its beauty with me. I mean how could Liam not have fallen in love with Alaska like his momma did, its beautiful!
Love, love, love all of the wildflowers, and this hike was filled with them.

I had a great couple of days hiking, did 15 miles on Saturday and 6.6 on Sunday. I was surprised that I did so well since my endurance has gone down so much this past year, but now I feel like I am finally getting it back. My friend and I even ran the last half of the hike. Still would give anything to be slow, tired, and pregnant though, or just not have been able to go altogether because Liam was crabby and 15 miles was too much for a 3-4 month old. I tried not to dwell on that thought much, but it is so hard sometimes not to wonder what things would be like if he were here; where he should be.

I do have to say how good of a friend I have that I camped and hiked with this weekend. If it wasn't for her and a few other friends I really don't think I would be out doing all the activities I have been lately. She is always asking me how I am doing and asking me tons of questions about where I am this cycle with trying again, doing another IUI, and other pregnancy related stuff. I love that she asks and I love to tell. She also still brings up Liam a lot which makes me soo happy!!! I hope she knows how much it means to me that she's always asking and always willing to listen. Although, sometimes I feel like I get so caught up in my own world of emotions and craziness that I forget to ask more about what's going on in everyone else's life. I just hope she and everyone else knows that even though I might not be asking, that I really do care what's going on with them also.

So anyway, besides missing my boy I have been keeping myself rather busy lately. That is now three weekends in a row I have gone out of town camping, hiking, and/or sightseeing. I still have softball every Monday night and some Fridays, started rock climbing again, working on a Liam project for our house, and lots of other stuff in between.
This past week and a half since finding out I wasn't pregnant has been hard on me, more than it probably should, but all the activities/distractions have been good. I am not sure what I will do this weekend since I am in the process of ttc again and don't want to get all crazy like I did last cycle, but I'll write more about that later.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


Today I feel like I have been in a very dark place. It has been awhile since I have felt this much anger at the world. This is not a happy post because I am clearly not happy.

This is the mood I am in:
- I hate that my son had a severe case of spina bifida and was going to need surgery no matter what, whether it was fetal surgery or right after birth.
- I hate that I chose to have the fetal surgery because doing so killed him.
- I hate that so many other mothers have chosen to get fetal surgery and had great results and I have to live with the fact that my son died from it and was also the first baby the hospital ever lost in the surgery.
- I hate that I have to live without him for the rest of my life and that my heart will always ache.
- I hate that I never got to hear him cry, rock him to sleep, give him his first bath, see him crawl, never get to see him grow up.
- I hate that all my hopes and dreams for him were gone in the matter of a few hour surgery, that I had to wake up from the surgery only to be told that they had to deliver my baby and that he couldn't be resuscitated.
- I hate that everyone around me keeps getting pregnant and is having healthy living babies.
- I hate that my family has acted like they have just wanted me to move on, get over it, and be happy since Liam died. They don't even bring him up or ask how I am doing, they wouldn't like my answer anyway,
- I hate that I let myself get optimistic and excited about getting pregnant again.
- I hate that I actually convinced myself that just maybe the world would let me have this one request of getting pregnant the first try. So foolish am I.
- I hate that if my ovulation comes at the same time as last cycle Dereck will be gone at work. He is already trying to see if he can find a way to get that week off or this month is screwed.
- I hate even more that if we don't get pregnant this cycle next ovulation time in August would fall again when Dereck is gone for work and I'll be out of state for a wedding. Clearly thinking too far ahead but the optimism is gone. Just too hard to believe that something could actually work out right for us. I feel like its all going to be a repeat of the 2 years ttc Liam.
- I hate even more that this is the type of shit I have been having to think about for the past 6 1/2 months when I should be playing, loving, and cuddling with my son. 

I am hating on the world a bit much today....maybe tomorrow will be better.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Not Pregnant

That's what was concluded after taking a home pregnancy test this morning, a big old NEGATIVE! Following that was some light cramping and now just got my fricken period. I want to go home, curl up in a ball, and cry the day away. The whole last month of trying to stay positive and optimistic gone by lunch time today.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Losing My Mind

I just hate this! I feel so frigging paranoid about anything and everything these days. I thought I was bad before but tonight I am a complete wreck. I have been crying for over an hour already about how I'm so worried that if I am pregnant I have already probably ruined that babies chances of not having a birth defect. I am not even 100% sure I am pregnant yet and I am just going nuts. I wish I could just hide out somewhere away from everything that could possibly pose a threat to my maybe baby. I probably just sound crazy and the worst thing is that the more I think about something that could or could not harm a fetus the more I need to research about it. I do this way to much but here I was again reading different baby books and looking online making myself more scared that I am doing everything wrong.
So here is what has got me freaking out this time:
Bell peppers got aphids. Freaked out because they are covered in these bugs and want to get rid of them now. Find old bug insecticide that I bought last year and cover all sides of my plants. Also end up wiping all the leaves off by hand with a cloth to remove supposed dead bugs. Try to be safe and wear gloves and keep windows open because I am indoors. Manage to get some odd and end spray and drippings of bug killer on my arms. Wash my arms immediately after I am done handling the spray and plants but fearing it already absorbed into my skin along with the fumes I probably inhaled while spraying. Sent my infested plants with my friend, hopefully the bugs are dead but don't even want them in my house anymore.
Since the plants are gone I felt the need to clean that section of the house thoroughly since the spray probably got on everything. Hoping the open window took care of the lingering fumes. Ahhhh! Still freaking out because now I am worried that I am inhaling all of the fumes from all of the cleaner that I used to scrub that section of the house down. Read one book that says most household cleaners are fine but just keep a window open for the fumes but that instecticides can cause birth defects. Oh fuck me. Then I start bawling on how stupid I am and should have just thrown the damn plants away or found some natural way to kill the bugs. It's like I am just not thinking properly these days, actually the last 6 months. I know its not official that I am pregnant but I feel like I have been so optimistic that it was going to happen this month and believe I am, but now I feel like I fucked it all up already. Already ruined that babies chances of a healthy start. Then I start thinking about Liam and how I manage to do stupid things on occasion without thinking first and bound and determined that there had to have been something that I did that caused his spina bifida. Cry even more and harder because I miss Liam and feel that I did this to him.
I have been doing so good about not blaming myself for Liam's spina bifida and death until now. Now that I am possibly pregnant I feel everything I did when pregnant with him probably aided in his demise and I am repeating probably the same stupid mistakes now. I have read the books and online info about pregnancy a hundred times. I have talked to my doctor over and over. Yes, stupid of me to probably have used the bug spray, but why do I have to live in this constant fear. It's not even just the bug spray its just everything.

Friday, July 8, 2011

One Year Ago And So Much Has Changed

I wrote a blog post awhile back about my BabyBump iphone app. and how I will never erase it from my phone because it has all of Liam's info stored in it. Yesterday I went ahead and downloaded a new baby app for the my next pregnancy because I am anxious and wanted to see what the estimated due date would be if I am actually pregnant. I would have loved to use the same app but don't see anyway I could use the same one without losing Liam's data, so a different one will have to do.
In case anyone is curious I bought the ipregnancy app. I haven't played around with it much yet but hope I will like it. Anyone else use this app? and did you like it?
Before I bought that app I had opened up my Babybump app and thought I'd look and see what date was entered into it that gave me Liam's EDD of April 12th. To calculate the EDD all I had to do was just to enter in the day of my last period. Well yesterday when I looked at it, it was July 7, and the date I had put in my EDD calculator just so happened to also be July 7th.
It's so hard to believe that here I am almost a year later hoping and praying, just like last year, that I will finally be pregnant. The dates of course are not the same, thank god for that, but they are close and if I am pregnant from my recent IUI the EDD's will be approximately a month apart.
Things aren't completely the same as they were last year though. Last year my main concern was ttc since we had already been trying for a couple of years with no luck. I was very naive about pregnancy then. This year though I have already been pregnant and had a baby who had a birth defect and also did not survive. Instead of taking care of him I spend numerous hours a week blogging about how things should have been, how I am coping with his lose, and of course what and how I am doing now that I am trying to get pregnant again. It amazes me on how much my perespective on pregnancy and life in general have completely changed in just one year.
I would have never thought I'd become a blogger or spend so much of my time reading other blogs. I still don't consider myself a writer, but have been doing a lot of it this year. I started a journal shortly after Liam passed away in January and by February 9th I started this blog and wrote my first post. This is the blog I wish I never had to feel the need to start, and 5 months later here I am still typing away. I will continue to write about Liam, and probably my journey through the next pregnancy, because I know this place is a place in which I know he will never be forgotten.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

6 Months

Sweet Liam,
This past weekend was a busy one filled with emotion. Late on Friday night your father, I, Liz, and Kevin started our long road trip to Dawson City, Yukon. (and yes we did go to another country during our countries Independence Day weekend). It was great to get out of town and I really like Dawson City, its a very pretty area. I thought about you a lot and wondered if we would have actually taken this trip if you were still around. I am guessing we wouldn't have because it is 9-10 hour drive and our reasoning for going on this trip wouldn't have worked with a baby. We still would've done something fun with you though, just closer to home.
We did a lot of walking around the city and of course spent a lot of time at Diamond Tooth Gerties Casino. We were all so incredibly tired from the drive and also from staying up late at night. I thought I was doing well without letting my emotions get in the way but by Sunday afternoon, July 3rd, exactly 6 months, I couldn't hold it in anymore. We had gone to dinner, I was cold, tired, and really missing you. I ended up having to go to the car and had to have a good 5-10 minute cry, and then I felt better.
On Monday morning I got up before everyone else and wanted to do something special to include you in our weekend of fun. To show we were in Canada I grabbed a couple of maple leaf coasters I found at one of the bars the night before and thought they would be perfect to use. I just love seeing your name so I wrote it in all different ways around the city. If anyone goes on a walking tour of the city they might be curious as to who Liam is. I hope you like them.
I can't believe its been 6 months.
Love you and miss you always,

Friday, July 1, 2011


This not how I wanted to start my 4th of July weekend. I was so happy earlier after getting my IUI today, I even posted about it here.  All that excitement was short, very short, lived. I know a few other blm's have posted about Facebook recently and I have felt I was okay with it, that was up until the last post I read and now I am done. Maybe not done forever, but done for now. In the past I have managed to look at Facebook, even when I saw others who have announced pregnancies or showed their newborns pictures, and get angry, annoyed, and bothered by it but never have I felt the way I feel right now.
So I looked at Facebook, when I should have been working, but thought I'd check it before I left for the day. I end up seeing a post from a guy friend saying he added new pictures to one of his albums. I saw the album name and thought "who is that"? I clicked on the album and saw a whole page of baby pictures and of course I get curious then and want to know whose baby that is thinking maybe just a brother or sisters child and he's a proud uncle. Nope! I decided to click on his page only to read a post saying that "in case you all didn't know I had a baby girl on Valentine's Day".
My heart felt like it was going to pop out of my chest, I felt shaky, I wanted to scream, and tears were instantly forming in my eyes. I couldn't breakdown or scream because I was still at work and had patients to attend to. Why did I look at Facebook and why today is it affecting me so much to see a post about someone I know having a baby. Dereck and I have been friends with this guy for a little over a year and he was really sweet to us after we lost Liam. Right after we got back home from Liam's funeral in January he had dropped off a couple of baskets filled with chocolates, candles, and other goodies at my friends house. We aren't super close to this guy, but we are friends, and how sweet of him I thought to think of us after our loss.
When I was finally able to get out and do more activity after my 6 week healing period from my c-section I hung out with him a few times. This was sometime in March, but not once did he mention he was having a baby, let alone had one on Valentines Day. I'm guessing he probably didn't say anything because he knew it wasn't what I wanted to hear, but now finding out about it 5 months later through facebook feels horrible.
As soon as I hit my car after work the tears just started pouring down my face. I cried almost all the way home. Then when I got home and told Dereck I broke out bawling again. It's not Facebook's fault, its mine for looking at it when I know the consequences of the crap people post. Just mad I guess. I am just so tired of everyone around me having babies this year. I am pretty sure that pregnancy wasn't planned either, which just urks me even more.

Now The Wait

Officially inseminated, and now the waiting period. I thought the last 6 months of waiting to try and get pregnant again was going to be a long wait but I think this might seem like forever until I know if I am pregnant or not.

I was thinking about last year in April when I did my first IUI and how I was a so nervous since it had already been 2 years of trying with no pregnancy. Although we were doing something beyond just trying naturally and using Clomid I didn't want to get too excited only to get let down. Of course by the time I went and took a pregnancy test I let myself get excited and then got let down by the big fat negative on the pregnancy test. Then for the second IUI in July I was really not at all excited or optimistic and assuming another negative test would result. The test ended up being positive though and I was in fact pregnant. So here I am just under one year since I had that last IUI that gave me Liam but this time I am beyond excited and full of optimism. I am well aware it might not work the first time, but just hoping to god it does.

I hope everyone has a good 4th of July weekend and to all my Canadian followers a good Canada day. And also to all my fellow blm's who are in this waiting period with me I pray we all have positive prego tests in the coming weeks.
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