Friday, October 28, 2011

11 Weeks

My full Ob check appt was originally scheduled for Thursday but I had to get it rescheduled to Monday. I was told that I wouldn't be able to get an u/s that day though because the room was booked already, but I refused to wait another week and a half to get in and see my dr., so Monday it was. It must have been my lucky day though because the room ended up being open. I had blood work, a pap, some other stuff done, and then Dereck and I got to see our little babe. He/she was hopping around, upside down like crazy, with its arms and legs moving all over making it hard for my dr. to get accurate measurements. What an incredible feeling it was to see so much movement going on from a baby that is only 3cm long. That still amazes me. My little babe has been measuring about a day behind but after Monday my dr. says it looks like he/she is measuring about 5 days ahead now. Woohoo!

I will be going in on November 8th to get the first screening, the nuchal scan, done. I am not too nervous at the moment about it but I know as time draws closer to it, especially right after it until I get the results, I will most likely be a nervous wreck. I got this done with Liam even though it was not recommended. Most people I knew never had it done and thought it was weird of me to have got it done. I was glad I got it though because it is was first told me that Liam had a 1 in 30 chance of having a neural tube defect. Even after hearing that though people told me not to panic because of false positives, etc, but 1 in 30 seemed like a pretty high chance to me. And I was right. Just crossing my fingers everything will come back perfect this time around.

I like to hang out upside down and kick my legs around.
It has been so nice to not feel all stressed out and panicky, so I hope this optimism and excitement I have had this past couple of weeks will continue. My next ob/ u/s appt with my dr will be on 17th. I will then be at about 14 weeks and starting my second trimester. I know its still early but time really does seem likes its moving along pretty quickly.

Monday, October 24, 2011

The Heartbreak of Infant Loss

Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.

It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.

Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.

It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.

It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.

Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.

It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.

It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.

Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.

My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.

Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.

How true that last line is...

Friday, October 21, 2011

10 Weeks

And I am getting super excited!

I know we still have a long way to go but this past week I have felt more and more optimistic. I have even been looking at some of the items that I wanted so badly to get for Liam and how I still want many of those same things for this baby, like a particular stroller carseat combo I had wanted. Also, last year many of my friends and I talked about how we were going to take Liam everywhere with us and just this past week I found myself discussing with a friend all of the things we were going to do once this baby is here.

I did have one freak out moment this past week though. It was on Monday night and occurred after reading a message from a friend. This friend, who I haven't talked to in awhile which I had heard a few weeks back was also pregnant. I wrote a post about that here. She told me that she was planning on going to a prenatal yoga class every Tuesday throughout her pregnancy and was wondering if I wanted to join her and then we could also catch up. I went into an instant panic state. I would love to catch up with her but the idea of being in a room filled with pregnant women scares the crap out of me. Some will be very pregnant, more pregnant than I have ever been, and I still a little envious of them. Some, if not all will ask how far along I am and I most likely will get asked the dreaded "is this your first baby" question. I know I am going to have to get used to that question especially once I show enough that its clearly obvious that I am pregnant, but not quite sure how to answer that yet. Talked to my counselor about it the other day and working on a solution.

My doppler arrived yesterday. Yes, I broke down and bought one. Hopefully I won't drive myself too crazy with it. Tried it out but either I just suck at finding the heartbeat or it is still too early.

My next dr. appt is on Monday to get my full Ob check. My appt was originally scheduled for Thursday in the u/s room, but my dr. decided to take that day off now. My options were Monday or wait until November, but choosing Monday meant no u/s because that room was already booked by the other providers. Crossing my fingers she will be able to pick up the heartbeat with her doppler. I haven't seen or heard my babies heartbeat in 2 1/2 weeks and getting anxious.

Dereck has got me thinking a lot about the sex of our baby. It's still early and I'll be happy either way but from the start Dereck has said we are having a girl. He had a dream awhile back about us having a little girl and is completely set on that. Now my friend called me earlier this week and told me she had a dream that they through a wedding reception for us since they didn't know us when we got married and that we had a little girl with us. Hmmm......

Speaking of weddings, Dereck and I had our third wedding anniversary on Tuesday Oct. 18th. Happy 3 years to us!

Dereck told me the other day that I should start reading again, and by that he means something nonbaby related, because all I have been doing lately in my tiredness is watching tv and reading my pregnancy books. I decided to go grab a book randomly off my bookshelf of a hundred books that I swear I will one day read. By the second page of the book I learn that one of the main characters is named Liam and he owns a bar called the Lamplighter. The Lamplighter is the name of this bar back in Minnesota that Dereck and I met at and hung out at all the time. Found this a little bit of a weird coincidence and thought I'd share.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month with today, October 15th, being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Tonight is the Wave of Light Celebration in which between 7-8 pm in every time zone a lit candle will represent and honor all babies who have died.

Tonight I am lighting a candle for you Liam and also for all the other babies that are being remembered in our hearts.

I miss you Liam

Friday, October 14, 2011

9 Weeks

According to my pregnancy app. today my baby is now considered a fetus! Yay!

As I have said many times already and will say it again that I do have lots of excitement for this pregnancy, this baby. I know its still early but I just have been itching to do things and buy things for this baby already. I was the same with Liam also. So this week I decided to buy the infant sling for my Chariot. I am still just so excited to use that thing. I just keep telling myself that next summer it will finally get used, next summer.

So the excitement I had after hearing the heartbeat is still there, its just not quite like it was. I have had a lot of paranoia return, especially since I got a nasty cold this past weekend. Having this cold on top of already being tired and nauseous really wiped me out, but I was too paranoid too want to take anything for it. That's even after my dr. told me what I could take.

I decided on Monday that the paranoia and stress are really no good for my baby and maybe I needed to make an appt. with a counselor again. I was scared to see someone new after the last incident I had with that witch of a counselor though.

I had loved the counselor I saw after Liam first passed, but then after only a few months of seeing her she left the state. She said she was planning on returning sometime this fall, but wasn't quite sure when. I decided to call that counselors office just to see if they knew when she was coming back. I was so grateful when I was told she had just returned and that they could get me in the next day.

I went and saw her then on Tuesday morning and it went really well. As of right now I am also scheduled every Tuesday until the end of the year and I probably need to stick with it. Just talking to someone, even friends, really helps to lower my anxiety, which is what I need, for my babies sake at least.

Part of this paranoia is because I still can't seem to drop the idea that I have listeria. I had to call my dr.s office again on Monday because I was freaking about it. First there are things I am not supposed to consume because I am pregnant, then there was the canteloupe outbreak, and then now there was a romaine outbreak, and the romaine came from Alaska, ahhhh! I'm pretty sure I have eaten both of those items in the past month or so. I just keep getting told that I'm fine and that the chances are so slim, but I have been on the bad side of statistics, slim means theres a chance. Plus, one mother has already miscarriaged because of the romaine incident. So damn right I am freaking out about that.

I really, really, really, hope this counseling helps.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Remembering The Light

Last night I went to the Remembering the Light Ceremony here in Anchorage. This was for anyone who has lost any loved one no matter the age. Dereck was gone at work so a good friend of mine came along with me and another made a lantern for me to bring.
We made the lanterns and then we got to light them and float them on the water. I was nervous about ruining mine because I wanted to keep them so I placed mine on the ice and then my friend placed here's with the rest in the water. It was beautiful!

My lantern
Other side of lantern
Liz's lantern
Brooke's lantern
Other side of lantern
Brooke's other lantern

Friday, October 7, 2011

8 Weeks or 2 Months

I really have been in a great mood since hearing that heartbeat. Hearing that really did take a lot of my paranoia, stress, and worry away. This past week though the tiredness and nausea has really set in, but I say bring it on if that means my baby is still growing.

Another blm mentioned on her blog yesterday about how there are so many of us babyloss moms all due within weeks of each other. She mentioned how one of them already has had a miscarriage and as much as she doesn't want anything to happen to her baby she doesn't want anything to happen to anyone else's either. It seems as if everytime I hear another blm is pregnant those same thoughts run through my mind and I have talked to Dereck about that many times. The idea of being left behind again while everyone around me seems to have living healthy babies scares the crap out of me. I don't want to have it happen to me or to anyone else neither. I would like to believe that as a blm you are now immune to having another babyloss, but I know that is not true. I know it can happen anytime whether it be another stillbirth, miscarriage or even SIDS.
The reason I bring this up today is because I talked with a girl from my grief group yesterday. She was about two weeks ahead of me with her pregnancy. She asked how I was doing, which of course I responded with great because I just heard my babies heartbeat the other day. I then asked her how she was doing, but her news wasn't so great, horrible actually. She went on to inform that she has not been doing well because she has been in and out of the ER because on Friday she had a miscarriage.
Now today as I was trying to get caught up on blog posts I read that another babyloss mom just lost her rainbow baby today at 27 weeks and 5 days along. She already had lost her twins earlier this year and now this.
It just really isn't fair that this had to happen to them or to anyone.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Music To My Ears

I remember when I first got pregnant with Liam, I was so nervous. I was nervous about being pregnant(wanting to do all the right things and none of the wrong), having a baby with a birth defect(yes I am a worry wart and always thought I wasn't a strong enough person to handle a baby with one), and also just afraid I wasn't going to be a good mom.
I wasn't nearly as excited about the first appts. with Liam as I was for the one I had yesterday. I loved that little boy from the start of my pregnancy but I was just worried about all the things I listed above and then also my doctor telling me about the incidence of miscarriage in the first trimester. I am still nervous, but this time about my baby dying again. I know now I will be a great mom and would do anything for my baby, just like I did with Liam. I just hope I never have to make a decision like I did with him though. I also fell completely in love with being pregnant and so badly want to know what it is like to be further than 26 weeks along.
So yesterday I had that second u/s so that I could see the heartbeat since the last visit it was just a little too early. I was 7 weeks and 4 days yesterday and the baby was measuring at about 7 weeks and 3 days. I got to see the heartbeat but the best thing was that I also got to hear it. My Dr. said it was still early but we just might be able to. I had to lay very still and sure enough it was there, beating at a perfect 165 beats per minute. It was music to my ears. I was so excited and in the best mood the rest of the day. I felt like I wanted to give everyone I saw a huge hug. I was just so happy. I know we still have a long way to go, but hearing that for even just a moment, made everything better.
Now to wait three weeks until my next appt. to get a full checkup and blood work done.

I also waited until I was past week 12 with Liam to tell my boss I was pregnant, but today at not quite 8 weeks I decided to tell her about it. She figured I was since I left work quite a few times a few months earlier to get my follicle checks done, so she was well aware I was trying to get pregnant again. Also I work in radiation, and even though I am never exposed to any at the job I work at, I still felt it was important to get my fetal monitor sooner than later; just in case.

Monday, October 3, 2011

9 Months

Sweet Liam,

The day you passed away was a Monday and for a long time I would count the weeks go by as another Monday would come and go. It's been a long time since I looked at Mondays as another dreaded week gone by without you. Instead when the third of every month comes around I am fully aware that another month has gone by. Well today baby boy it is both the third of October and it is also a Monday. I really can't believe we are at 9 months, I'm sure I say that at that the start of every month though. You have now been gone for three-quarters of a year and as long as most people get to be pregnant for. Ugh!

I'm sure you are already aware that your momma is pregnant again and that you are going to be a big brother. I would've never thought I'd be pregnant again this soon and here I am, scared, nervous, paranoid, and also really excited. It seems since I have been pregnant I have spent most of the time thinking about this pregnancy, but this past weekend I spent a lot of time thinking about you. I cried a lot. At one point watching tv I saw a son sitting by a gravestone talking to his deceased mother and instantly started crying for you and how I can't just go see your grave. Another time I went to the store to get a few things and saw babies and carseats everywhere and broke down again. Babies and carseats haven't really bothered me in awhile, outside of a little jealousy. I guess I'm just really missing you right now.

I also have to tell you this, although this might seem really crazy, but sometimes I feel like this pregnancy is me getting a second chance to be with you. I mean I know you are in heaven and that you're not coming back, no matter how much I pray and wish it would happen, but sometimes I think about that. I know this pregnancy is a new baby, a new life, and not you and I love this baby as much as I love you. I want and hope this baby grows big and strong, is healthy, and will get to come home with us, everything I wanted with you love, but it still hurts knowing that you no longer get that chance. I just want it so badly.

This month also has a couple of remembrance activities going on that I will be participating in. On the 12th I will be going to the Remembering the Light ceremony to remember loved ones who have passed away and then on Oct. 15th at 7pm I will be lighting a candle for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

There are so many other things I would love to say but for now I am going to go and am going to leave you with a few quotes that a couple of babyloss mommas wrote that I really love. I hope you love them also.

Love, Mom

Today should have been so different.
Just know that I am thinking about you,
Missing you,
Loving you,
Celebrating you,
This side of heaven.
-Franchesca Cox-

The sorrow I have from losing you
 does not overshadow the joy
 I have from being able to love you.
-Laura Richert-

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