Sunday, November 27, 2011

A Bad Dream And The Christmas Box

I hope this was only a one time thing but last night I had a bad dream involving the new baby getting an u/s with the Perinatologist. The Dr. said nothing through the entire exam but at the end informs me that my baby has a bad cleft palette. Now that is definitely not something really that serious but in my dream I was bawling my eyes out and asking the Dr. if there was anything else wrong, inquiring if the cleft palette was a sign of a more serious problem or if my baby had Spina Bifida again or what. The Dr. said she wasn't going to talk to me about it but will send the results to my Ob Dr. and she will go over them with me. 

Part of me feels like this is like a flashback to when I found out about how bad Liam's Spina Bifida was. The Perinatologist didn't really tell me much then either and I had to find out the next day at work when my Ob called and asked how I was handling the bad news.

I want to believe this is just some stupid dream and not a sign that my baby is sick again but now I am getting nervous for the Quad screen. This is not what I needed. I'm already having trouble sleeping and now this dream. Some may not find this to be that horrible and even consider it just a dream, but I have been trying to do my best to remain as calm as possible and that didn't help.

As my counselor would tell me, just breathe and remember that there is nothing I can do about anything until I get the results back. It's true and I have been working hard on relaxing and not excessively worrying about things I can't control, but stupid dream:(.

I don't recall if I ever wrote about the book The Christmas Box or not. This book was given to me in a folder I received filled with pamphlets about grief and loss. It is a short book but it took me forever to read because I would bawl my eyes out after every page I read. I am bringing this up right now because I found out there is a movie based on this book and I had to watch it, although the book is so much better. It is also supposed to be a true story, which makes it even better. I would definitely give it a read, even if you haven't experienced the loss of a child.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

15 Weeks + 1 Day And Thanksgiving

I think I feel my babe kicking already, but not sure. Could just be gas or maybe I just want to feel it so bad again that its all in my head. It is still so early but I read that with the second pregnancy you can often feel the kicks sooner. It started last Thursday so its been over a week now and I swear I have felt something everyday, but only for a moment each time. Can't wait till it gets stronger and more frequent.
Otherwise nothing new this past week and Quad screen will be on Tuesday.

I wrote this on Thanksgiving and guess I was feeling a little sorry for myself that my husband was at work and my baby wasn't here, but much better now.

How do I feel about Thanksgiving? Well as I sit here and write this I am in tears. In between cooking and cleaning this afternoon before I head to a friends house for dinner I decided to get out the Christmas stuff. I didn't think I was going to set up anything Christmas related this year, let alone this early, but then decided the other week that I owe it to myself and to Liam to try and enjoy the holidays the best I could. I'd like to think Liam wants me to be happy, especially around the holidays, even if he isn't here. Also feel that I needed to do this for the new baby. Through everything that happened last year, especially right around Christmas, I really did enjoy setting Christmasy stuff up thinking how great it would be next year when I had my little babe here celebrating with us. Even though things didn't turn out as planned I am glad I got one Christmas with Liam and that's how I feel with this baby also.
So why now am I sitting here with the house filled with Christmas stuff thinking that this was a bad idea?

Here are the ornaments I got for Liam for the tree. Of course the klutz in me dropped the mitten one right after taking the picture and it busted into pieces. I also would still like to get a First Christmas in Heaven type ornament with his footprints on it but haven't gotten around to ordering one yet.

Friday, November 18, 2011

14 Weeks

We made it to the second trimester, and with no red flags!

Yesterday I had a check up with my Ob Dr. She used the Doppler and it was nice to hear that sound again, although I have used mine about 3 times this past week because I have been nervous for those results. I was able to discuss the results more with my Dr. since like I said I had spoke to the nurse about them the other day but couldn't really ask any questions about them. My Dr. said that yes the blood work showed that I am not considered high risk, which I guess is classified by if your results come back with you having anything under a 1 in 50 chance. Remember Liam was 1 in 30 for a NTD, so I guess knowing I am not in that high risk category is a good feeling. She wants me to now do the step 2 blood work to go along with the first blood work and those results combined will tell me more info of where I stand with everything. I think that test is called the Quad screen, not sure, I swear I get everything so confused about all of these tests because I am so concerned about things coming back good that I hear nothing else. Anyways, I will be getting that done in a week and half.

My Dr. also brought up the possibility of me just skipping my anatomy scan at there clinic and going straight to a Perinatologist. I am guessing she suggested this being that it is a level two u/s that will not only show more about my baby but hopefully will also leave me with a little more peace of mind that things are okay. Or I guess if things weren't okay I would no for sure what, and to what extent, right away. 

Next regular Ob appt. and u/s is in 4 weeks. That seems so far away. That will also be my last appt. with my awesome Ob Dr. for awhile. She informed that she will be gone for a couple of months starting at the end of December. Freaking out about this a little. I love this Dr. She has been there for me through everything with Liam. I know its only a few months and she would be back for my delivery, but who do I see in the meantime that will be as caring and understanding about my craziness has her? Not quite sure how I am gonna handle that one yet.

How badly I wanted you to be healthy and bring you home. Was it all because of the extra folic acid I've been taking, is that why this new baby is not in the high risk category that you were placed in? I have been so emotional this past week, which I know is in part because of wanting these results to be good, but also because I have been feeling guilty in how I feel about them in regards to you. There has been this part of me that has defined this new babies life by what these results were going to tell me. I hate that. I feel like every time I share my fears about getting bad news again that I am making it sound like once I got those results my life and pregnancy with you went downhill from there. That so isn't true little buddy. I was sad, super upset even, about the results but I still loved you and wanted to do everything I could to help you have the best life possible. I hope you understand that.
I just love you and miss you so much.
Love, Mom

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


My Dr.'s nurse called today to tell me the results of my scan and bloodwork from last week. I thought I was shaky last Wednesday before that appt., but I think I am worse right now. My heart is going a hundred miles a minute, I am shaking, it's hard to breath, and I want to run around and jump up and down, but I am at work and somehow need to find a way to finish my day.

So here it is. According to my dr. there is no concern, no red flags, and that I shouldn't be worried at all. How do I even process this? I mean could I actually be carrying a healthy baby? Could this baby actually be healthy enough to make it to our c-section date and will I actually get to meet him/her, alive?  Ahhhh!

I mean I am happy to get good results, it's just so hard to process when all I knew from this point on with Liam was reasons to be concerned that my baby might never walk, have to be cathed, and most likely will have needed a shunt. I feel like I was more prepared to hear bad results than good. I have dealt with bad news and know more about dealing with that and grief and loss then I do about having a healthy baby.

I know there is still along road ahead and I still have the anatomy scan to get passed and Liam's passing, but holy crap, good news, is it possible?

Saturday, November 12, 2011

13 Weeks + 1 Day

Well I made it through the scan on Wednesday. Baby was being very complicated for the u/s tech so it took awhile for her to get her measurements, but so far so good I guess. She said everything is measuring perfect for the due date with the heartbeat trucking along at 154bpm. Results should be back in a week, so I am hoping by Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest.

I also decided that if these results come back good then I'll start telling more people about this pregnancy, plus I am almost to my second trimester which seems to be a good time tell everyone anyway. Many of my friends have asked why I haven't told more people yet. The results of the nuchal scan really have been what's been holding me back. I wasn't really too concerned about a miscarriage, although I am aware it can happen to anyone, I've mainly just been concerned about my babes spine closing properly. I know that this test has false positives and doesn't give you a clear yes or no on your baby having a problem, just what your chances could be, but when someone asks me how this pregnancy is going I want to honestly be able to answer "GREAT!" I felt like I lied to a lot of people when I was pregnant with Liam because people sound so excited when your pregnant and want to know all the exciting details. I didn't want to sit and tell everyone that my baby might be sick and then when I found out definitely that he was tell everyone just how bad it was.

I don't know. I am have been talking about this damn nuchal scan and all my fears for so long people are probably sick of me repeating myself about it for the past 3 months. Good news is in order, now! Plus good results means maybe I can breathe easy, relax, and just enjoy this pregnancy, at least for the next month or so till I get the anatomy scan.

Found the heartbeat with my doppler finally. I thought maybe last week I had heard it, but it was so quiet I wasn't definite, but I used it the other day and the heartbeat was there loud and clear. So excited!

Had a crazy shopping for baby moment this week. I've always been excited to read to my kids one day before bed or whenever they want to hear a story, so when I went to both Barnes and Noble and Costco the other day and saw that they had a whole bunch of my childhood favorites on sale, I went a little crazy on buying books.

This past week I also had coffee with the friend I recently wrote about who is also pregnant, just a week behind me. I was nervous at first because of my crazy theory on friends being pregnant with me equals them getting to bring home there baby and me being empty handed again. It went really well though and I am so glad we got together. She new about Liam already so it wasn't like I had to explain myself about my crazy fears with her. She seemed to understand why I was feeling the way I was. She also shared some of her concerns with me, which in a way made me feel good knowing she had concerns and wasn't just going on about all the joyous things about being pregnant and bringing her baby home forever, because I honestly I just can't handle happy naive pregnant women yet. We also talked about how nice it will be that we live so close to one another with babies so close in age and how we can hopefully help each other when it comes to babysitting/daycare if needed. Great thought, just hope I'm not jumping the gun thinking that far ahead.

Here are some pics of baby this week. Happy to finally get an abdominal u/s to see baby in 4D!
Hey mom, I'm waving to you. Can't wait to meet you in another 23-24 weeks!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

So Shaky

I am shaking so bad today and its only 10am.

Is it because I am majorly lacking in sleep? I have slept like crap for the last four nights and I think the coffee is doing more harm than good.

Is it because my blood sugar is really really low? If that is it, nothing seems to help, and I've been eating everything in sight.

Or maybe its because today is my nuchal scan?

I thought for sure I'd be freaking out about it by now, but honestly my lack of sleep has caused major lack of energy to really care. And really there isn't too much I will find out today anyway unless they see a sign of down's on the u/s. And who knows when I am actually going to get the results back. Just hoping I'll know by my next Ob appt so I can discuss the results in depth with my dr. just incase there is any concern.

But seriously is it 3:15 yet?

Friday, November 4, 2011

12 Weeks Or 3 Months

Still feeling pretty good at this point, other than the occasional nausea.

I am loving the mood I have been in, which has still been fairly positive, with the mornings being the best part of my day. I get the most done at home and have been going into work with a smile. I also haven't had any major meltdowns for a couple of weeks now, which is awesome. Thinking the reason for a lot of that though is because my husband has been home, tend to feel better when he's around. Being alone with your crazy paranoid thoughts is no good. Really not wanting him to leave again for fear that worry and stress will hit as soon as he steps out the door. Not to mention, I am sure the bloodwork from the nuchal scan will come back right after leaves and I don't want to be alone when I get those results.

Speaking of which, you know how I said the other week that I am not too nervous yet about the nuchal scan but know I will be once it gets a little closer to it. Well, I am officially starting to get nervous for it, not freaking out, but on the nervous side. I don't even know how I will be able to handle the news if it comes back saying there is any chance of my babe having a NTD again, or even Down's. Or what if it tells me theres a problem but it turns out to be a false positive this time. Ahhh! I got through it last time I got the news, so I guess I will get through whatever the results are this time also. I just want my baby to be healthy. Fingers crossed.

I got the results from my bloodwork and pap from the other week back the other day, all good there. I figured that though.

Still haven't heard the heartbeat with my own doppler yet. I know its still early but getting ansy. If I can't find it by next week on my own I am gonna ask my dr. to help point me in the right direction.

At 3 months I still fit into my normal clothes, which I don't quite get how since I have put on at least 3-4lbs. already. I feel like I am always hungry and eating and the more nauseous I get, the more I tend to eat. I gained a lot with Liam right away for that same reason but never made it into maternity clothes either.

Still don't have much for cravings which also surprises me because with Liam it was clearly anything made from potatoes; chips, fries, mashed, or giant pretzels with cheese is what I wanted all the time.

Nuchal scan is Wednesday afternoon and my next Ob appt is set for the following Thursday.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Halloween And 10 Months

Hey little buddy,

Tomorrow will mark 10 months since you were born and passed. That dreaded one whole year mark is really coming up quickly. The holiday season is upon us also, with Halloween being just a couple days ago. What I would I have dressed you in, I haven't a clue. Would it have been something scary like a little monster or something cute like a little pumpkin? I guess I never thought that far ahead.

Your father and I went out Saturday night to a friends Halloween party. Last year at this time I was pregnant with you. I think I was about 3 1/2 months along and barely showing, but everyone there new I was pregnant. This year I am pregnant again with your little bro or sis but very few people there new I was pregnant this time. Although I think I might have been showing a little more even though I was a week shy of 3 months along.

Last year there was another girl who was at the party and she and her husband were at the party this year also. I felt kind of rude that I didn't say more to her, actually I barely said anything beyond a simple hello to her. She was about 3 months farther along than me last year and was due in January. She now has a happy, healthy, little girl who was at the sitters that night so that they could go out. I overheard her talking to people about it and how they got her a costume and were going to be going out with her on Halloween. Jealousy set in a little bit there. I guess that's why I couldn't talk to her.

All in all though it was a good party. We had no plans for Halloween night, which was fine, and enjoyed laying around and watching movies instead. I will say how happy I am though that it finally decided to snow. I know snowing means its getting closer to winter and I've already been freezing for like the past couple of months, but snow means skiing which gives me something fun to look forward to. And when I say skiing I mean cross country skiing on flat trails, there will be no hills for this girl this winter. I was probably a little bit too daring with you buddy, but not anymore. Too nervous about falling these days.

Happy Halloween in heaven. I love you little buddy,
Love, Mom
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