Saturday, May 26, 2012

Right Where I Am

Angie from still life with circles created this project last year and has now brought it back for Right Where I Am 2012.

It's been 1 year, 4 months, 3 weeks, and 2 days since losing my son and 1 month and 2 days since losing my daughter.

If my daughter had lived I'd probably be writing about how I still miss my son so much but that having his sister here has helped me heal, because that's exactly how I was feeling the last few months of my pregnancy with her. I had finally felt truly happy for the first time since before his passing.

Since I lost Evelynn, my precious rainbow baby, I am angry, even more so, than I was after losing Liam because your. rainbow. isn't. supposed. to. die.! Losing her to a uterine rupture just days before my scheduled c-section has made me furious at the world more than I ever thought I could be. I wonder everyday how I managed to live through the loss of one baby, but how do you even manage to live through the loss of two?

I wake up everyday hoping that it was all just a bad dream. I still miss my son and its not that I have completely accepted his loss but I really miss my daughter right now. Plus, I went through this all last year after he passed away. I know how this grief process works and I don't want to go through it again. It is a long, hard, exceptionally painful process and its eating me up inside just thinking about the days ahead. She was so close to coming home. I am having a hard time letting go of the life I had planned for her. I want that life, not the one I am living once again. I will never be accepting of this.

The crying in the shower is back along with all the painful reminders of what I don't have. I am feeling bitter once again toward all the happy people in the world that don't know what this pain feels like. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere anymore. I am stuck once again while everyone else's lives seem to keep moving forward.

The only thing that's keeping me somewhat going, that gets me up in the day, is researching IVF with a gestational carrier, aka gestational surrogacy. It's a long process with no guarantees but its something for me to concentrate on.

I am just trying to find hope that one day I will have a living take home baby in my arms, but its hard to find hope in anything when you know firsthand that lightening really can strike twice. And who's to say it won't happen for a third time.

So how do I feel right now?
Angry, beaten down, stomped on, and left behind doesn't even begin to describe how I feel....but I love and miss my babies and for them I know I can get through this.

Here is my post from last year.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

1 Month and Some Changes

Baby girl,
My heart is so broken. To think its been a little more than a month since you were born and exactly one month since we had to let you go. I wish I could go back and have one more day to hold your warm, perfect, little, baby body. I think about you all the time and am having a hard time letting go of all the plans I had for us this summer, next winter, next year, and so on. I had the next two years of your (our) life planned out already. So many thoughts and plans for your future, I don't want to let them go.
Love you and miss you always my sweet Evelynn.
Love, Mom

I am still not sleeping very well. I guess the pumping isn't exactly helping since I've been going to bed around 12-1am, getting up in the middle of the night to pump around 3-5am, and then again between 7-9am depending on the time of the last one. Usually by that second pump I can't fall back asleep even though I still feel incredibly tired. I keep making the mistake of checking Facebook or reading a blog or two during those pumping sessions and see something that makes me sad, like talk of or a picture of a baby, and then I get depressed. If I am lucky enough to fall back asleep it isn't for long and it isn't good. I end up getting those anxiety panicky attacks I got the first week after we came home from the hospital again. I still have the Xanax that I could take, and know it will help, but if I take it then I have to throw away my milk for the next three days because the milk donation place has strict guidelines. I know what's best for me is to probably just take the meds and dump the milk because the sleep would really do me good, but I am determined to do this as long as I can and donate as much as possible. Which by the way I have already collected over 2 gallons of Evelynn's milk to donate. Although my klutziness has returned and I have managed to spill quite a few ounces which frustrates me even more.

I decided that I need to take a break from the blog world for awhile. By that I mean take a break from reading the majority of everyone else's blogs that I have followed for the past year or so. I will still continue to write on my own though. I love my blog and it is a place I have been able to go to and process my grief but also a place to meet others who were in a similar situation. It will still be used as a place for me to remember my sweet Liam, sadly a place to now remember my sweet Evelynn, my life after a uterine rupture, and also now my husbands and my journey into the world of IVF with a gestational carrier.

To all you mommas that have been on this baby loss/ pregnancy after baby loss journey with me: I would've never made it through this past year without your support, and even though we have never met in person I consider you all the most amazing friends. I keep trying to read all of your new posts, whether they are related to your rainbows or not, they all just seem to cause me so much heartache. Please don't take this the wrong way, I truly am happy for you all and I hope you all understand why I am no longer commenting on your posts. I wish it didn't have to be this way and maybe it won't always be, but for now I just need to take a step back and take break from it all.

When I feel up to it I am going to start the search for blogs that once again relate to my own situation. Blogs of interest to me will now be more about recent uterine ruptures that resulted in baby loss, blogs with said mom wanting to get pregnant again and were advised not to, and also blogs about families trying to have a baby through the use of a gestational carrier. If anyone happens to come across a blog related to any of these topics I'd love it if you could pass it on to me. Hopefully one day I'll finally get lucky enough to have a baby to take home and share in that same joy. And as always, all of your precious babies will always be in my thoughts and will never be forgotten.

I also mentioned in my last post about Facebook being hard on me as well. With Liam I never cancelled my account but just looked at it less often. I would love to just cancel it now because it really does just depress me with all of the happy baby posts that seem to be like every third post I read. Also all of the people that just go on there and complain have become even more annoying. I will not be deleting it though because I found a uterine rupture support group on there and think it'll be beneficial for me to talk to these ladies who have been through it or are now just going through it as well. I just won't be reading anymore status updates. I have joined a uterine rupture support group through Yahoo as well.

I've been thinking a lot about the direction that my blog was going in towards the end of my pregnancy with Evelynn. I remember telling Dereck how I felt like I lived in blog land for so long after Liam passed. I was posting constantly and also searching for and reading blogs like crazy. Hours a day for many months on end were spent at the computer. I wanted so badly to find as many people as possible who had stories like mine. As time went on and I got pregnant again I soon started writing more about all my worries with that pregnancy. Eventually my posts turned into a weekly update mentioning what happened at a recent Dr. appt. or just that another week of pregnancy had gone by. I thought that was a sign of healing, maybe it was. I had wondered what my blog would be like after Evelynn was born. How often then would I be writing on it? Would I be writing a lot about Evelynn and sharing tons of pics of her or would I go back to writing mostly about Liam and how much I miss him? I have since went from barely writing on my blog to having so much to write about that I could post something almost daily, if I had the energy. Not really sure what direction my blog would've went in but this definitely wasn't the intended direction.

Brooke, Sonja, Laura, Natasha, Jessica, Tiffany, Molly, Brandy, and Mary,
Thank you so much for the care package of ham, cheese, potatoes, cake, and sauces. That was sweet of all of you. It will all be enjoyed this Memorial weekend with family.

Sunday, May 20, 2012


I am just so screwed up right now. The amount of thoughts running through my head these days are making me feel like I am for sure going in the direction of crazy.

Here I am yet again bawling my eyes out. The reason is the same as it was yesterday afternoon, not that I don't have enough of a reason already. My blm friend, the one who I had mentioned a couple posts back about how I was going to meet this summer with Evelynn, had her baby yesterday. I have wrote posts like this before and am sure I will have many more like this about how happy I am for her and her husband. They have been through babyloss and have waited years to get to this point, but I just can't hold back the tears of how angry I am at my own situation. I went through this all last year after the loss of Liam, although most people I knew at that time had never dealt with baby loss. They were all just friends or family that were pregnant at the same time as me but in the end there babies lived and mine died. This time around there were pregnant IRL friends again but also now there was this whole world of babyloss mom friends who were also pregnant. Everyone has there babies and I am left sitting here trying to deal with that fine line that separates my happiness for them but the jealousy and anger that I hold within myself.

I had finally been okay with facebook again and was awaiting the moment I could finally announce to the world that Evelynn was here. I still did, in a sense, but through her NILMDTS pictures. When your a blm facebook can seem more like the bearer of bad news than good, especially when you keep losing out on the chance to post about the one thing you have always wanted to. Speaking of facebook, did anyone else read the article about the women who got kicked off of facebook because she had posted her babies NILMDTS pictures? Such fricken bullshit! Mine are still there, along with all of Liam's pictures, and if someone wants to report me because they just can't handle pictures being posted from a mom who just wants to share a few pictures of her babies short, yet beautiful life, they have real issues. Or maybe just don't look at them at all then if your going to be that insensitive!

My days since the burial, and even before that I guess, have been filled with thoughts of doing the whole gestational carrier/IVF process to just saying screw what doctors tell me and just try to get pregnant again, or do both. The second can be life threatening to me and the baby but I want so badly to have that ideal childbirth I always wanted. The one I was supposed to have with Evelynn where I would go in for my scheduled c-section and then the doctors would hold my baby girl up and I'd get to see her on the outside for the very first time. She would be screaming. The doctors would clean her up and then she would get handed to me and Dereck. Then in a few short days we would all go home and love on her like crazy. I still have yet to see either of my babies eyes. I want so badly to look into there eyes and for them to be able to look into mine and just see me. I know that they got to feel me, my love, and every other emotion I felt from the inside but they never got the chance to see me. I also want the chance to hear one of babies cry. I have never got to hear that sweet sound and so desperately want to. I know not everyone gets there ideal childbirth, really I just want one that doesn't end in a tragedy.

I have been doing crazy amounts of research about pregnancy after uterine ruptures and with my luck I know it would be the stupidest thing for me to probably do, but there is the chance everything could work out next time. It could, or it could not, work out is the problem? As with anything there is no guarantee and I could never live with myself if I lost another baby because I didn't listen to the doctors. I know getting a gestational carrier is the right way, the smart way, to go about this but honestly I can't help but think about the rupture taking so much more from me. If my daughter would have survived and they told me to never use my uterus again I would have hated to hear that but at least I had my daughter. Losing both my babies and also getting told to never use my uterus again seems unbearable. I know there are many women out there who have struggled with infertility for years. I even follow a few blogs of women who have gone through babyloss and struggle with infertility, but I can't help but feel like less of a women because I can't/shouldn't carry a baby on my own. I also know there are plenty of women out there though who have never had or will have the chance to even be pregnant once. I feel horrible for those women as well and I should probably feel grateful that I was able to at least know what it was like to carry a baby.

It is one thing for you to decide on your own that you are done having kids or don't want to be pregnant again. It is another to have someone tell you that you should be done. I have cried many tears already over this and it breaks my heart even more to think I might never be able to feel those sweet kicks from my growing baby ever again. I know if we go the route of getting a gestational carrier and everything works out the end result will be the same, a living, healthy, take home baby and that's the important thing, but what if things don't work out? I went through the whole last pregnancy with people telling me to be optimistic, that last time was a fluke, and there is no way anything will go wrong this time. No matter which route we choose I am not going to believe any of that crap until I am told the baby is healthy and can leave the hospital with us.

I can tell that I think about all of this way too much because it is all reflected in my dreams. I have had dreams already of getting a GC (gestational carrier) and going through the process, but for some reason I never get to see how things turn out. Did the baby live, is everything okay? My most recent dream was about me getting pregnant again. In my dream I went to the hospital, I think I was about 35 weeks pregnant. I told the doctors I was there for my scheduled c-section and they brought me into the OR and got an epidural placed. I ended up texting Dereck because he wasn't there and let him know I was at the hospital if he was able to make it. Then the doctors and staff just started chatting and walking around doing random other things besides my c-section. I tried to tell them that my uterus could rupture any time and we needed to get moving on this. They did end up telling me I was having a boy though and I got excited because we already had a named picked out for him. Then everyone decided that they wanted to play this game that was like scrabble but with these weird cube/pyramid like pieces. I even joined in but had a hard time understanding how the game worked. Then the dream was over and I woke up again wondering why I just can't ever get to the point in my dream where I can see the end result. Did my baby live, did everything go okay? So frustrating.

I have also been thinking a lot about other ways in which we can get money to cover the cost of the GC/IVF process. I have already gone online and printed out quite a few applications for grants that were created for people to use for IVF type treatments. After speaking to the GC attorney the other week she told me that from hearing our story alone puts us in the top 10% for winning one of those grants. She is on the committee for a couple of them and even though most of the grants call for a clear diagnosis of infertility, our story because of our circumstances, an exception would get made.

Another thought that I had was looking into egg donation. Do I sound crazy yet? Yes, I have already researched it as well and one of the IVF clinics I am looking at does it. Yes, there is the fact that getting money for this would be nice but I also know how important it is for people to be able to have a family. Although I doubt I would even get accepted because of the cataracts that runs in my family, also the fact that my mental state isn't exactly the best these days, and I am getting up there in age. Maybe its a crazy thought but I was just thinking that since I have to get all pumped on hormones any way to do the egg retrieval, and if I have a good amount retrieved, I could just as well help a family in need at the same time. Geez, now that I type that out I feel like this is sounding a bit crazy.

I still have so much more I want to write about; the funeral, the burial, more random thoughts, and everything we have learned so far about using a gestational carrier. I am using the term gestational carrier instead of surrogacy now because I have learned that GC is not only the new term for a form of surrogacy but also that surrogacy is illegal in most states. So when referring to having someone else carry you and your husbands baby(s) you need to use the correct terminology or you can get in big trouble.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Night Before

It is the night before my sweet Evelynn's burial and my emotions have been all over the place today.

I have been so dang angry today. As much as I wish that this was just a bad dream I think it took until today for it to finally set in that tomorrow my second baby, my beautiful baby girl, will soon be buried next to her brother. It will be official then, and I hate it. I hate that this is my life. I just hate it.

I had wanted to spend so much time at the cemetery by Liam, but so far I have spent very little time there at all from what I hoped. I am having a hard time even wanting to be there because it just pisses me off so badly that my daughter is soon going to be there too. This was just not in the plan. It's not that I had finally accepted what had happened to Liam but rather the thought of having Evelynn here and alive had given me this sense of life back that I had lost after Liam passed.

Tonight we went to the cemetery on our way home and saw that her grave had been dug up and was ready for tomorrow. We have the flowers picked out and even planted some in the ground. Pictures have been printed out and some handouts have been made. I think we are prepared for tomorrow, but how can this fricken be? It just like last year all over again.

Life keeps going on for so many others and I just feel stuck again. I thought my life was finally moving forward.

A friend messaged me today. This friend was pregnant at the same time as me, we actually had pretty much the same due date. Remember my original due date, May 18th. Ya that's this Friday also :( She let me know today that she should be having her baby any day now and will be posting tons of pictures on Facebook. I don't know when I will ever be able to ever look at her again, or see her baby, for if and any time I see him I'll think about Evelynn and know that if she were here she would be just a few weeks older than him. I would remember the talks we had while pregnant about getting together with our babies once they were born and how convenient it is that we live so close to one another.

Just like all my other friends in real life and in the blog world, I am happy for you all, but it is going to be hard for me for a long time. I won't lie, I am even incredibly jealous of you all. I just want to know when its going to be my time to have a baby that I can finally take home? I don't think I will ever even be able to handle hearing another person tell me they are pregnant again, at least not until I have a baby in my arms first. (This of course discludes all blm's). I know its not fair to friends, family, and whoever else. People get pregnant, and people have to live there lives, my heart just can't handle it.

It's only been three weeks today since Evelynn passed away and already I am getting so many of those "things you shouldn't say to a babyloss mom" type comments. Tonight I got two of them. One being the good old "I don't know why it happened, but there is a reason why it did and we just won't know for a long time." Listen people who read this; If there is any reason at all why my baby died it was because my uterus ruptured and suffocated my baby. It had nothing to with God needing another angel or God having something else planned for me down the road and Liam and Evelynn had to die for this other wonderful thing to happen. That's all bullshit and I wish you would keep your mouths shut. It's only making things worse. The second being from a family member that said "and I was so hoping to finally get to be a great-grandmother." Hearing that once again confirmed that people just don't understand or even want to understand, and Evelynn was alive for 2 days. TWO DAYS! So what you were one for the two days she lived, but then she died, so now you are no longer one like someone stripped you of that title? And what about Liam? I just don't get people. I'd almost prefer to not even talk to anyone. It sometimes just seems easier to be alone.

A friend made this for us today, and I love it!

Liam's Gravestone

It took Dereck and I almost a year to finish Liam's gravestone marker. It had been an incredibly hard thing for me to work on because every time I thought about it I just wanted to cry. Cry that my son isn't here and cry that no parent should have to work on something like this. I wanted it to be perfect for him. In my mind I had this vision that people would walk by it and not just think how sad it was that a baby boy was buried there, but that by looking at his marker you would be able to see just how loved he is.

In the beginning we had really wanted his picture on it but it just never worked out with the type of granite we were using. To the right is the picture of him that we would've had on his marker if we were going to use solid black granite. We used dark blue pearl, which is incredibly beautiful, and also is the same granite that the others markers in the family plot are on.

Below is Liam's marker, finally complete and finally in place.

My heart is already so broken from the loss of my Liam and now my sweet Evelynn, but when I read now that another fellow blm lost her precious Ainsley at 17 months old on Saturday morning my heart broke even more. Jen was originally pregnant with twins and lost one of the twins(also named Evelynn) just before they were born. Ainsley had been in the NICU and then the PICU her entire 17 months of life until she passed away. If anyone has a chance they should check out her blog and show this momma and her family some love.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Deja Vu

On Wednesday morning we flew back to Minnesota to see family and prepare for Evelynn's burial this coming Wednesday. I actually slept the majority of both flights, which is rare for me. The second leg of the trip I even had a dream of Evelynn. I really wish I could remember the details but as soon as I woke up all I could hear were the sounds of a cooing baby a few seats over and all my memory of the dream was gone. Lots of babies were on our flight also, I wasn't too bothered by them though. All I could think about was how the next time I was supposed to be on a plane was when Dereck and I were bringing Evelynn home to meet friends and family. We already had it planned. It was going to be around the fourth of July and we were going to get her baptized the following Sunday by the same Father that did Liam's funeral and burial. I also had planned on spending many hours at Liam's grave. I wanted to lay there all afternoon for multiple days, and just be with both of my babies. Sadly this will still happen except for Evelynn won't be in my arms, she will be buried beside Liam.

The last two times that we have gone back to MN/ND now were for Liam's funeral and then his burial a few months later. This is now our third time home in less than a year and half, this time to bury our daughter. We decided to have Evelynn's burial on May 16th. That is also the same day exactly one year ago that we buried Liam on. I can't believe I am actually burying my babies exactly one year to the day apart form one another.

So much of this trip seems the same so far. I guess why would it be different, our reason for coming back is the same. We flew into Minneapolis, went to my parents for a couple of days, and then headed up toward North Dakota where Derecks family is and to prepare for the burial. Today we planted some flowers at the cemetery and discussed where Evelynn will be buried in accordance to where her brother is. I also got to see Liam's finished marker finally, more on that in another post though. Tomorrow we will be going to a florist to pick out flowers for Evelynn's burial. Yup, that's right, I am picking out flowers for my daughters burial on Mother's Day. That's as depressing as when I think about how we had Evelynn's funeral on the day of what should have been her scheduled c-section.

I had met another blm this past summer just before I got pregnant with Evelynn. She had contacted me after one of Derecks family members had told her family about me and my loss. A couple weeks after I got pregnant with Evelynn she found out she was also pregnant. We have since spoken on and off throughout our pregnancies. We had hoped that after our rainbow babies were born we would have the chance to finally meet. That stop was supposed to be added to one of our many stops that we would have made when we had come home in July with Evelynn. On our way up to ND we drove past the city in which she lives and thought about her. I am happy that her pregnancy is still going well, her rainbow should be here any day now. I wish her and her family the best. I still want to meet her one day though, I'm just not sure how I will handle it right now. It might still happen, but I know if it doesn't she will understand why I couldn't stop in.

Another Mother's Day. Another one where my arms are still empty. I don't even have much to say about it. It sucks. It isn't fair. My Evelynn should be here, my Liam should be here :(. A couple of my good friends did send me Mother's Day flowers though. I love them, and love even more that they recognize that I am still a mother even though my babies are in heaven.
 The card reads: Happy Mother's Day!! 
You are the greatest Mom we know.
This card reads: We love you and we are thinking of you. 

Around Mothers Day last year I wrote a post about the wonderful bench, flowers, and gift card Dereck and I received from our Alaskan friends for Mothers Day. I don't think I could ever thank each and everyone of them enough for the love that we felt. All of the contributors; Kristin, Kate, Laura, Elana, Jill, Kristen, Mike, Keegan and Jesse, Brooke, Steve, Justin, Paula, Eric, Jessica and Rhett, Sara, Kris, Adam, Greg, Jillian, Thomas, Jennifer, Christine, Kevin, and especially Liz. Thank you again for that and also thank you all again for all of your love and support this year after the loss of our sweet Evelynn. I only wish that this Mother's Day I could have had every one of you over to celebrate Mother's Day with Evelynn and I and remember my sweet little boy.
I remember talking to my counselor about the bench, flowers, and gift card after I received them last year. She expressed to me how lucky I am to have such wonderful people in my life. She also mentioned the idea that maybe all of this was somehow Liam's gift to me in that I now know just how great of people I have in my life. I am still not quite sure how to take that idea but I will say that I feel Liam's passing and now Evelynn's has definitely opened my eyes to how truly wonderful some people are and how lucky I am to have them in my life.

Thinking about all of the Mother's who hold their babies in there hearts.

Last year after Mother's Day I had found an article about the real meaning of Mother's Day. It definitely has changed over the years. I think I prefer the original meaning.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

GiveForward Donation Page

Many people have mentioned that they would love to help us anyway they can and have even brought up us getting a donation button going for anyone who might want to help us on our journey to expand our family through surrogacy. My good friend Liz had actually set up a donation page for us a few days ago through, I just wasn't sure how to go about adding it to my blog. If anyone would like to take a look at it or even make a donation you can go to the link below and it will take you there.
For The Love of Babies Liam and Evelynn Rasmussen

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

2 Weeks

I don't even know how I feel right now. I am filled with so many emotions and thoughts of what could have been and what should have been. Filled with so much anger, sadness, disbelief that this is my life, and that this happened to my husband and I again.

I hate that I know how to grieve so well and what to expect for the days ahead. I have gone through this before. I feel so knowledgeable in this area and no one should be that knowledgeable.

Part of me is glad that I knew what I wanted for Evelynn when I knew she wasn't going to make it. I knew I wanted as many pictures as possible of her, including the NILMDTS ones. I knew how important it was cherish the moments of just cuddling her, kissing her, and telling her I loved her. I loved that I had the chance to give her her first and only bath and brush her beautiful head of hair. These memories I have will have forever and so happy that I have them. I didn't do any of this with Liam because I was so angry that he had died and it is something that I still regret.

Part of me hates myself for actually believing that things would work out this time. At the same time though, I loved that I got to that point that I honestly believed things were going to work out and that my baby would be born alive and healthy. Evelynn deserved a mom that was excited for her and was truly happy again. It had been so long that I had felt that way and I am glad that she was able to feel all of the love that I had for her.

Then there is the blame and guilt. I know its not helpful and I blamed myself for a long time after Liam died. I had defended the fetal surgery even though my baby died in it. I just kept telling myself that even though Liam didn't make it there are so many babies whose lives are better because of it. Now all I want to do is scream about how badly I hate that stupid surgery because it not only took Liam from me but now it took Evelynn. After all it was that stupid fetal surgery incision that ruptured that led to my babies brain damage and all too early demise. I know I can't sit and blame them forever but part of me wishes they would have told me to wait 2 years to get pregnant again, or even just one, but not 6 months like they had. I would've hated waiting so long but maybe my uterus would've been a lot stronger by then.

Part of me also wants to just blame myself because I feel that since I let myself get so happy and was believing that things were going to work out that I wasn't being as proactive as I once was. For a long time I was so paranoid about every little thing that I am afraid I missed something. Something that was telling me my daughter was in distress and needed my help but I just wrote it off as normal pregnancy aches and pain, after all I was 36 weeks pregnant, I am not supposed to be comfortable. I keep looking back at the days leading up to my uterus rupturing and her being born. I didn't feel good either day after my steroid shots but just assumed it was from the shots and not a huge deal. Although I remember telling Dereck I was scared to get the shots because last time I got them, not that they had anything to do with Liam's death, but just the fact that I got them and then 2 days later Liam died. Well what do ya know, 2 days after I got them my uterus ruptured. On Saturday my abdomen felt tight but just assumed it was pregnancy because my baby was supposed to be growing about a half a pound a week and is running out of room. I had even gone to a baby shower that afternoon and was majorly uncomfortable, but just kept saying it's because I am pregnant. Sunday afternoon my back and abdomen hurt again but I had also spent my morning cleaning and also had taken the dogs for a good walk. By that evening I was still really uncomfortable and decided maybe another walk and fresh air would help. A few hours after that while laying on the couch is when the stabbing pain started and led up to my rupture. I think about that so often and wonder if all of that was a sign that I needed to have gone in and get looked at sooner and then my daughter would be here with me today. My Ob Dr. keeps telling me to just remember that I am only human, that I am not a Dr, and that even Dr.'s don't know everything. She told to just remember that I loved my daughter and if I truly felt something was wrong I would've went in, but I just didn't know. I keep trying to tell myself that and repeat it over and over again, "I loved my daughter, I loved my daughter, I loved my daughter". I just want her here so badly.

Since coming home from the hospital all of the reminders of what should have been are there, again. I feel like they are just mocking me in a way. Laughing in my face. I even have caught myself laughing at the stupidity of it. Of course the mailbox is going to be full of things from Motherhood Maternity and Babies 'R' Us. Why wouldn't they be? I mean for second year in a row now I am supposed to have a baby. It's not like they were going to be gone like those places some how knew that my baby had died and immediately took me off of there mailing list. I am sure any day now the hospital bills are going to start rolling in again also, just like they did with Liam. I also just loved it when I was getting discharged from the hospital and the nurse gives me my discharge instructions. I read them over and sure enough on the last page under future appts it lists my scheduled c-section for April 28th. Shouldn't the nurses have saw that before handing it to me. It just pisses me off how they were right there, they knew I lost my baby, and yet they couldn't even see that on my paperwork and think that is something that should be removed. Like I said though, I more less saw that and laughed because that is just how it is, and it sucks, but did I really think things would be different this time.

I am barely sleeping it seems. Once I left the hospital after losing Liam all I wanted to do was sleep and that's all I want to do now, but for some reason I can't. I have this crazy energy but yet nothing I feel is worth using it up on. It has been a few days since I last had one, but for awhile there I would wake up in the middle of the night very panicky. I would be thinking about Evelynn and everything that has happened and every time I would close my eyes my body would just shake. I also hate taking any kind of meds if I don't have to, but I was relying on the Xanax that my Dr. gave me to calm down enough so that I could fall back asleep for at least another few hours. The Xanax seems to help. I just hate feeling this way and hate even more that I feel I have to take Xanax to take away the pain I feel. I have been through this before and I don't want to hurt and feel that pain either.

I am just so tired of being tired and sad. I was feeling like finally I could start being that better friend. I have such wonderful friends and they have been there for me so much this past year. Yet, I feel like I know nothing about them because for so long I have been wrapped up in my own world of sadness. I kept telling myself that once Evelynn was here I was going to be a better friend, I just needed to get through my pregnancy and have her home and life would be better. Here I am though, baby-less and sad once again. All of my wonderful friends are there for me again, and I am so grateful that I have them, by why did it have to be this way. Evelynn was supposed to be here. The same goes for a lot of family. I haven't seen some of them in so long or talked with any of them. I didn't want to send out Christmas cards, birthday cards, graduation cards, or even a friendly email just letting people know we are still here, I just didn't care. All of that stuff was happy stuff and I was not happy. This year was supposed to be different.

I know from reading other blogs, comments that have been left on my blog already, and through emails that others have gotten pregnant after having a uterine rupture and had good outcomes. Majority of my Dr.'s told me that they highly advise against me getting pregnant again, except my one Ob Dr. who said if I absolutely want to try again, even though she prefers I don't, I should wait at least 2 years. If I then get pregnant I will be put on hospital bed rest once the baby reaches viability and get monitored constantly, then when the baby reaches 34 weeks we would do a c-section then. It is an option, but I don't want to wait 2+ years to have a baby. I have wanted kids my whole life and have waited long enough. Also there is no guarantee that if I were to get pregnant again that it would work this time. I don't even think in 2 years my mental state could handle being pregnant again. It wasn't until I reached about 7 months in my pregnancy with Evelynn before I finally felt more relaxed and at ease with everything. I don't think that would happen at all with another pregnancy and then being in a hospital with even less options to keep myself distracted would be near impossible. Or what if I did get pregnant and my uterus ruptured again and my baby lived but had major impairments. I don't know if I could live with that knowing I did that to my baby because I didn't listen to the doctors. I just don't think it'll ever be an option.

There is always adoption. I am scared of that also though. What if the mom changes her mind and after a couple days of having a baby home with us she comes and takes him/her away. It would be like losing my babies all over again. I also feel like I would be super picky. I probably shouldn't be but I have always wanted my own kids that looked like me, even sometimes acted like me, and I would be able to see so much of myself and Dereck in them. It is an option but I really truly just want my own babies and after seeing just how beautiful they both are, how could I not?

Surrogacy seems like the best option as of now. It is a long, expensive process, but in the end the baby(s) would be completely genetically our own. I hate to talk about financial problems on here but I hate that it is so easy for some to have babies and it barely costs a thing. Liam's fetal surgery alone set us back, but we are doing okay, Evelynn's medical bills will soon be coming, and now trying to come up with the money for a surrogate just makes me want to cry. At the same time though it is the only thing right now that I have any hope in. We will make it work because we want our family and even though we might not be able to take vacations and buy our kids much, but they will be loved, and I think that is the only thing that truly matters. In the 2 weeks since Evelynn passed away we've learned so much about surrogacy. We have already met with a gestational carrier here in Alaska that is willing to do it for us and this Thursday we already are having a two hour phone consult with one of the best attorneys in the country for surrogacy. We have also been researching hospitals in both Minnesota and Washington comparing IVF success rates. I know this is also a scary road and even once we get started pregnancy is still 9 months of me waiting and hoping that everything will be fine. I am afraid I'll even drive the surrogate crazy because I will be so overly paranoid. I will talk in more detail on this later, especially once we learn more.

One thing that is keeping me going right now is that I have been pumping my breast milk and donating it to the NICU babies. I knew I wanted to do that as soon as I knew Evelynn wasn't going to make it. I wanted so badly to breastfeed her and know the importance of breastfeeding, so in her memory I wanted to do this for her. I signed up through the milk donation program that runs through the Mother's Milk Bank in Denver, CO and will be starting to donate my milk shortly. In the meantime I was also able to help a local who was in search of extra breast milk because she wasn't producing enough to feed her baby. So far it has gone really well and I really think I'll be able to stick with this for quite awhile. It feels good knowing I am helping other babies have a better start.

My sweet Evelynn,
How can it be that it has already been more than 2 weeks since you were born with today marking exactly 2 weeks since we had to pull you off of life support and you joined your brother in heaven. I hate this so much. This is not how it was supposed to be. I was so ready for you baby girl. I would've given you so much love and would've spoiled you rotten. You will always be my baby girl, I will always love you, and I am so grateful for the days that I got to spend with you. I just want more.
Hope you and Liam and are having lots of fun together.
Love you forever baby girl,
Love, Mom

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Evelynn's Story- Well Part Of It

I don't even know where to begin with what happened to my sweet Evelynn. I am still in shock myself that we were so close to having her home with us and now she is gone. She was a perfectly healthy, beautiful, baby girl who should be here with us getting loads of hugs and kisses.

I have tried to write out her story the best that I can for right now.

On Sunday night April 22nd, 2012 at around 9:00pm I had a sharp, incredibly painful, feeling in my pelvis. I know I am not supposed to go into labor, which I have knowingly never been in, so I didn't know what to expect. We called Ob triage to ask them what we should do, but they were no help at all. I got another sharp pain, then another one right after that, and so we took off to the hospital. By this point I was in so much pain I could barely walk and was incredibly nauseous.

By the time we got to the hospital, in a wheelchair, and to Ob triage, I was in even more pain. Then as we were waiting to get help because there were others in front of us I yelled out that I think my water had broke. They hurried and helped me back to a room and realized I was actually bleeding. I was still in so much pain. I was told the Ob on call was on her way in and then went on to explain to them that I needed to have a c-section because of my fetal surgery. They were then trying to rip me out of my clothes and get me ready for surgery all the while trying to do an u/s to check on my baby girl.

I got rushed then to the O.R. to do an emergency c-section. They were trying to keep me still to get the IV in but the pain was so intense. The Dr. in the room with me then told me that they believed that my baby was already dead, but then they said that they think they found a faint heart beat so I was immediately knocked out and my baby girl was delivered.

Dereck was able to be with Evelynn right away in the NICU after she was born but I had to be in recovery for awhile. When I awoke I was happy to hear she was alive and stable, but then it got worse. The Dr. came in and talked to us and informed us that when they were doing my c-section they only had to cut through the first few layers and Evelynn was sitting right there, no longer in my uterus. My worst nightmare next to my baby dying had happened, my uterus had ruptured, causing her to come out of the uterus, the placenta then detached, leaving my baby girl to suffocate in my abdomen.

After a short period of time in the NICU all of her vitals had returned to normal. She was perfectly healthy. Her vitals were good, she had great color, perfect heart, and her kidneys were functioning. She was a perfectly healthy baby girl, but since the placenta had detached and she had been suffocating for so long her brain was left severely damaged.

The Dr.'s put her head in an ice cap to slow the swelling in the brain and to stop anymore brain damage from occurring. She was also having these seizure like attacks causing her to just shake.

I was able to see her in the NICU about an hour after the surgery still on my hospital bed. I was able to touch her but was unable to hold her due too the cold hat, ventilator, and other monitoring devices attached to her. I stayed next to her for the next hour or so before the doctors needed me to go back up to my room to rest from the surgery.

The next morning, Monday, when I woke up (actually I barely slept and wished I would've never left her side) the nurses wanted me to eat a little and then they would let me try to walk to the bathroom. Once I was able to do that they removed my Catheter freeing me from my bed. As soon as they got a wheelchair, Dereck and I were on are way down to the NICU to see baby girl! Dereck also had told me what he knew of what was happening with Evelynn and the cold hat. She was supposed to have had it on her for 72 hours and then they would remove it to do a full EEG. Things looked good for her.

When we got down to the NICU the nurses set up some chairs next to her for us to sit and be with her. We were still unable to hold her but we got to touch her and talk to her as much as we wanted. She looked so beautiful, I had so much hope for her that everything was going to be okay and she would soon come home with us.

After an hour or so the Dr. sat down with us and informed us that they weren't seeing any improvement with her brain activity and they wanted to stop the ice cap procedure and do the final EEG to verify that she had no brain activity. Dereck told them no and he would not approve of removing the ice cap until the 72 hours had passed. The Dr. told us they would talk it over with the neurosurgeon and that the decision would not be up to us. At this point knowing we had no control we called our Priest Father Scott to come be with us. When he arrived we asked him to perform a baptismal on Evelynn. My Ob Dr. showed up  also, along with a few friends. We then got her baptized right there in the NICU.

After the baptismal we stayed with Evelynn for awhile before the neurosurgeon came and told us that they were going to the Final EEG test without our wishes. My friends brought me back up to my room as Dereck stayed with Evelynn. Not long after getting to the room Dereck came up saying that he couldn't watch and needed to be with me. We had hope in this ice cap helping but the Dr.'s did not and mainly just wanted to do this test to hurry up the process because they felt there was no chance at a life for her. 

The test was to take 45min to 1hr, but we were in our room for almost 2 hours without word of what was going on, so we just decided to go back down together to the NICU.  When we got there they had not put the ice hat back on verifying our worst nightmare. Soon after that one of the Dr.'s come over and said, "Just like I said she had zero activity the whole time." He then turned and walked away. The test confirmed that there was absolutely no brain activity and we were going to eventually have to pull her off of life support.

We asked about holding her and they finally allowed us to do so. It was the best feeling in the world to finally be able to hold my baby girl in my arms. We switched off and then Dereck got to hold her.

With the amount of visitors we kept getting and the NICU hearing that she wasn't going to make it they decided to give us our own private NICU room where she could still be hooked up and anyone we wanted to come visit us or her could do so with out being disrupted. We also were able to change her clothes, change her diaper, bathe her, and brush her hair. Such great memories with her that I will always treasure. So many of our friends came to visit us and see her. I loved knowing that so many people already loved Evelynn so much and were so devastated by what had happened to her.

Dereck's mom was able to get a flight in early Tuesday morning at around 12:30 am. We decided that sometime after she got in and got to meet her granddaughter that we would pull her off of her life support. Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep was also contacted so that someone could come in that night to take her pictures for us.

When the guy arrived from NILMDTS he first took pictures of us holding Evelynn while she was still alive and hooked up to her machines. Then when we decided it was time to take her life support off everyone left the room for me and Dereck to just hold, kiss, hug, and tell Evelynn how much we loved her until her heart finally stopped. She was alive on her own for about 20 minutes. Then we finished the rest of her pictures with the photographers. Once the photographer left I swaddled my baby up and slept with her beside me the rest of the night.

The next morning they moved us out of that private NICU room back up to our regular room. Dereck and I spent that whole day just cuddling Evelynn. We had lots more visitors from friends and other family that had showed up also. When night time came again we knew that Evelynn was ready to go. I didn't want to part with her but I could tell she was no longer with her body anymore and she also no longer looked like she had even hours earlier. We talked to my Ob and also talked to the hospital that we wanted it to be that when we checked out that next day, Wednesday afternoon, that we wanted Evelynn to get picked up then also. I did not want to have to be in that hospital any longer than I needed to if my baby was no longer there. So that last night I again cuddled close to her and got to spend my last night with her.

The next day came and friends and family were there for support. We spent our last few hours with our baby girl and then said goodbye.
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