Thursday, May 3, 2012
Evelynn's Story- Well Part Of It
I have tried to write out her story the best that I can for right now.
On Sunday night April 22nd, 2012 at around 9:00pm I had a sharp, incredibly painful, feeling in my pelvis. I know I am not supposed to go into labor, which I have knowingly never been in, so I didn't know what to expect. We called Ob triage to ask them what we should do, but they were no help at all. I got another sharp pain, then another one right after that, and so we took off to the hospital. By this point I was in so much pain I could barely walk and was incredibly nauseous.
By the time we got to the hospital, in a wheelchair, and to Ob triage, I was in even more pain. Then as we were waiting to get help because there were others in front of us I yelled out that I think my water had broke. They hurried and helped me back to a room and realized I was actually bleeding. I was still in so much pain. I was told the Ob on call was on her way in and then went on to explain to them that I needed to have a c-section because of my fetal surgery. They were then trying to rip me out of my clothes and get me ready for surgery all the while trying to do an u/s to check on my baby girl.
I got rushed then to the O.R. to do an emergency c-section. They were trying to keep me still to get the IV in but the pain was so intense. The Dr. in the room with me then told me that they believed that my baby was already dead, but then they said that they think they found a faint heart beat so I was immediately knocked out and my baby girl was delivered.
Dereck was able to be with Evelynn right away in the NICU after she was born but I had to be in recovery for awhile. When I awoke I was happy to hear she was alive and stable, but then it got worse. The Dr. came in and talked to us and informed us that when they were doing my c-section they only had to cut through the first few layers and Evelynn was sitting right there, no longer in my uterus. My worst nightmare next to my baby dying had happened, my uterus had ruptured, causing her to come out of the uterus, the placenta then detached, leaving my baby girl to suffocate in my abdomen.
After a short period of time in the NICU all of her vitals had returned to normal. She was perfectly healthy. Her vitals were good, she had great color, perfect heart, and her kidneys were functioning. She was a perfectly healthy baby girl, but since the placenta had detached and she had been suffocating for so long her brain was left severely damaged.
The Dr.'s put her head in an ice cap to slow the swelling in the brain and to stop anymore brain damage from occurring. She was also having these seizure like attacks causing her to just shake.
I was able to see her in the NICU about an hour after the surgery still on my hospital bed. I was able to touch her but was unable to hold her due too the cold hat, ventilator, and other monitoring devices attached to her. I stayed next to her for the next hour or so before the doctors needed me to go back up to my room to rest from the surgery.
The next morning, Monday, when I woke up (actually I barely slept and wished I would've never left her side) the nurses wanted me to eat a little and then they would let me try to walk to the bathroom. Once I was able to do that they removed my Catheter freeing me from my bed. As soon as they got a wheelchair, Dereck and I were on are way down to the NICU to see baby girl! Dereck also had told me what he knew of what was happening with Evelynn and the cold hat. She was supposed to have had it on her for 72 hours and then they would remove it to do a full EEG. Things looked good for her.
When we got down to the NICU the nurses set up some chairs next to her for us to sit and be with her. We were still unable to hold her but we got to touch her and talk to her as much as we wanted. She looked so beautiful, I had so much hope for her that everything was going to be okay and she would soon come home with us.
After an hour or so the Dr. sat down with us and informed us that they weren't seeing any improvement with her brain activity and they wanted to stop the ice cap procedure and do the final EEG to verify that she had no brain activity. Dereck told them no and he would not approve of removing the ice cap until the 72 hours had passed. The Dr. told us they would talk it over with the neurosurgeon and that the decision would not be up to us. At this point knowing we had no control we called our Priest Father Scott to come be with us. When he arrived we asked him to perform a baptismal on Evelynn. My Ob Dr. showed up also, along with a few friends. We then got her baptized right there in the NICU.
After the baptismal we stayed with Evelynn for awhile before the neurosurgeon came and told us that they were going to the Final EEG test without our wishes. My friends brought me back up to my room as Dereck stayed with Evelynn. Not long after getting to the room Dereck came up saying that he couldn't watch and needed to be with me. We had hope in this ice cap helping but the Dr.'s did not and mainly just wanted to do this test to hurry up the process because they felt there was no chance at a life for her.
The test was to take 45min to 1hr, but we were in our room for almost 2 hours without word of what was going on, so we just decided to go back down together to the NICU. When we got there they had not put the ice hat back on verifying our worst nightmare. Soon after that one of the Dr.'s come over and said, "Just like I said she had zero activity the whole time." He then turned and walked away. The test confirmed that there was absolutely no brain activity and we were going to eventually have to pull her off of life support.
We asked about holding her and they finally allowed us to do so. It was the best feeling in the world to finally be able to hold my baby girl in my arms. We switched off and then Dereck got to hold her.
With the amount of visitors we kept getting and the NICU hearing that she wasn't going to make it they decided to give us our own private NICU room where she could still be hooked up and anyone we wanted to come visit us or her could do so with out being disrupted. We also were able to change her clothes, change her diaper, bathe her, and brush her hair. Such great memories with her that I will always treasure. So many of our friends came to visit us and see her. I loved knowing that so many people already loved Evelynn so much and were so devastated by what had happened to her.
Dereck's mom was able to get a flight in early Tuesday morning at around 12:30 am. We decided that sometime after she got in and got to meet her granddaughter that we would pull her off of her life support. Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep was also contacted so that someone could come in that night to take her pictures for us.
When the guy arrived from NILMDTS he first took pictures of us holding Evelynn while she was still alive and hooked up to her machines. Then when we decided it was time to take her life support off everyone left the room for me and Dereck to just hold, kiss, hug, and tell Evelynn how much we loved her until her heart finally stopped. She was alive on her own for about 20 minutes. Then we finished the rest of her pictures with the photographers. Once the photographer left I swaddled my baby up and slept with her beside me the rest of the night.
The next morning they moved us out of that private NICU room back up to our regular room. Dereck and I spent that whole day just cuddling Evelynn. We had lots more visitors from friends and other family that had showed up also. When night time came again we knew that Evelynn was ready to go. I didn't want to part with her but I could tell she was no longer with her body anymore and she also no longer looked like she had even hours earlier. We talked to my Ob and also talked to the hospital that we wanted it to be that when we checked out that next day, Wednesday afternoon, that we wanted Evelynn to get picked up then also. I did not want to have to be in that hospital any longer than I needed to if my baby was no longer there. So that last night I again cuddled close to her and got to spend my last night with her.
The next day came and friends and family were there for support. We spent our last few hours with our baby girl and then said goodbye.
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No words such a terrible loss,ReplyDelete
Becky, I still can't believe your beautiful girl is not at home with you in your arms. You and your family are constantly on my mind. It's so unbelievable that this could happen to such a deserving couple and not just once. Reading all the things you got to do with your baby girl made me smile because those are things you will treasure for ever, but the fact that you already knew what to do having been through this before just is too much. My heart just aches for you. Sending you much love and remembering Evelynn and Liam today and everyday.ReplyDelete
Oh Becky! My heart is ripping open as your story is all too familiar to our Parker's story. He had the ice cap put on to try to preserve brain activity, only to have none. I am so glad to hear that you were able to get someone from NILMDTS and you were able to spend those precious hours with her! My thoughts and prayers are with you and Dereck, Liam and Evelynn. ((HUGS))ReplyDelete
My heart is just breaking for you. Prayers for you and your family and your sweet little girl. <3ReplyDelete
Becky, I am so sorry. This breaks my heart. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))ReplyDelete
If you would like a handkerchief from my For Your Tears blog please email me at
I'm going to send you an email. I had a uterine rupture with Lily and I have some great resources and supportive ladies when you're ready...ReplyDelete
Thinking of you and your babies ((hugs))
Becky, I am new to your blog. I came upon it after hearing about your precious Evelynn on other blogs this week. I am so very sorry for your loss and have been grieving along with your many other followers and friends. I know I can't offer much in the way of comfort...or take away any of the pain...but I just want to be one more person to add to your support system. Thinking of you and sending you strength.ReplyDelete
I am so incredibly sorry for your devastating loss. Wishing you strength and healing.ReplyDelete
I can't imagine how hard it is to type her story. It's just not fair that you're going through this. I am glad you got to spend some time with her while she was alive. you are in my thoughts and prayers so muchReplyDelete
I am so sorry the doctors did not respect your wishes and treated you so coldly. And I am so incredibly sorry that you aren't holding your beautiful baby girl in your arms right this minute.ReplyDelete
Ugh, Becky, my God, what a horrible chain of events. It must have been terrifying to feel that something was going wrong and you were powerless to do anything about it. I remember being in labour with Aidan and knowing that when it was over he would be dead, and I could do nothing about it. I wanted to yell at my body to just STOP IT, BEHAVE, KEEP HIM SAFE...but I couldn't control it and neither could you. I hope you don't blame yourself or feel in any way responsible for her death. It wasn't your fault.ReplyDelete
Thinking about you, and wishing you the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
What beautiful memories you created with your little girl and I'm so unbelievably sorry she is not here with you to create more. Your family is constantly in my thoughts.ReplyDelete
I've been thinking of you so often and my heart is with you and Evelynn... I know that no words can ease what you're going through but please know that we're all here for you. Your words describe the most unimaginably painful situation that any mother could go through... I'm so sorry. Love to you always xoxoReplyDelete
I still cannot believe such terrible things could happen to a wonderful woman like you. You and your husband are such deserving parents. It's totally unfair. Beyond words.ReplyDelete
I am so very sorry! You have been on my mind all day, I am saying lots of prayers for you. I only wish I could do more, hugs.ReplyDelete
I only started following your blog when I heard from Jenn that another babyloss mama had lost her precious little rainbow. I am so so sorry for your loss of little Evelynn. She is so gorgeous. I just couldn't believe how beautiful she is in the photos.
I also want to add how sorry I also am at your uterus rupturing and tell you a little story...my friend (also named Becky strangely enough) had a little girl born too early at 32 weeks. Baby K had a trisonomy and lived for 13 weeks. Becky had an emergency c-section (classical cut)at that time. Later Becky got pregnant again. Her uterus ruptured about a week before her due date. They also had a heartbeat in the hospital but little Baby D died a few minutes after he was born. It seemed inconceivable that she should lose 2 babies within the span of 1 year. Now at that time she was also told to never use her uterus again. It was sure to rupture again. Becky accidentally got pregnant again about 2 years after Baby D was born. She didn't want to have an abortion so she was put on strict hospital bedrest from 20 weeks on. She was scheduled for a C-section at 36 weeks. Her uterus did end up rupturing again but not until about 35 weeks. She was in the hospital when this happened and little Baby Hope was born alive and is still alive. I don't know if this is a good story for you to hear or not. They had been hoping to achieve an early scheduled C-section. I don't know if this is hopeful for you to hear or if I'm just being plain stupid. I am just so sorry for the loss of your sweet little Evelynn and your beautiful boy Liam.
Sending prayers and much love to you. Otherwise, I have no words. Evelynn is the most beautiful baby girl ever.ReplyDelete
Thinking of you and your family all the time. It sounds like you all made beautiful memories with Evelynn while she was with you. I'm so sorry things turned out this way.ReplyDelete
You are pretty constantly in my thoughts just now. So brave to write your story this soon.ReplyDelete
There are no words to express how deeply sorry i am that this happened to you and Evelynn. It sounds like you had lovely moments with your sweet baby girl that you will cherish forever. Sending you love. xoReplyDelete
Becky, there's nothing I can say to make this better. Even though you may not feel this way, you are lucky to have survived. I can't tell you how many times I've prayed that this was just a horrible joke, that your words would magically change. I wish there was something I could do to to help you. Know that I think of you often.ReplyDelete
I have been thinking of you constantly. Of course there is really nothing to say, other than my heart is with you and I am so so sorry. Evelyn was and is so so loved and she will be in the hearts of so many for many many years to come.ReplyDelete
I'm breaking down for you! These are the first real tears I've cried for Evelynn since hearing of your devastating news... my heart has been hurting for you for the past week, but it didn't seem real... couldn't be real! I'm so very very sorry Becky! I'm happy that you had time to make some very precious memories, but it's so not fair! Thank you for sharing her story, I wish the ending was happier!ReplyDelete
Sending more love your way! <3
Love and prayers to you, Becky. My heart is just broken for you.ReplyDelete
becky, my heart is so heavy for you my dear friend. i can't believe how the dr treated you both during this incredibly painful ordeal. i'm so incredibly sorry that this has happened and that Evelynn is not here with you. we are loving, missing, and grieving her with you and dereck. thinking of you...ReplyDelete
Oh, Becky. I'm so sorry. Reading this story, I just want to turn back time and give you the other ending--the one that was supposed to be for you and Evelynn. Please know that you and Dereck are constantly on my mind. Sending you strength and light and love as you continue to survive the days ahead.ReplyDelete
We are so sorry and heartbroken over the loss of Evelynn it all seems so unfair to happen to two of the most wonderful and deserving parents. Both she and Liam are on our minds. Sending love to you both.xoReplyDelete
Reading Evelynn's story is heartbreaking. I am so sorry that this happened and I am so sorry that Dr treated you without so much as an ounce of sensitivity during such a horrifying time. I am so glad that you got to spend some time with your sweet girl before you said goodbye, I just wish it could have been a lifetime. Sending love to you and your family, especially your sweet, beautiful baby girl. <3ReplyDelete
I'm so sorry this happened to you again, it's so unfair. Just know there are so many of us out here that are thinking of you, your family, and your babies.ReplyDelete
I am so very sorry to hear that you and your family are having to go through this painful experience again. You have been in my thoughts since I read about your loss on another BLM blog. Please know that I am sending you and your family so much love. Your daughter is so incredibly beautiful!ReplyDelete
I'm so sorry Becky. I'm thinking of you every single day. Remembering beautiful Evelynn and her big brother Liam always.ReplyDelete
You do not know me but I am so sorry for your loss. Sending lots of love from Utah.ReplyDelete
I am so sorry. I am thinking of you and your beautiful babies with lots of love!ReplyDelete
I'm just still so shocked. And in such pain with you. I'm so sorry that your sweet Evelynn is no longer with you. I wish there was something any of us could do to make your heart feel better-- but I know otherwise. Wishing and hoping your search for a surrogate is speedy. Nothing can change this heartbreak and you'll always miss your sweet babies. I sure wish I could just hug you, Becky. You and Dereck both.ReplyDelete
Oh Becky, what to say? I want to thank you for sharing Evelynn's story with us and allowing us to support you through this terrible tragedy. Evelynn's was so very precious, and has already touched so many lives. I think about you CONSTANTLY, and am sending love and strength tonyouvand Dereck. (sorry iPhone won't let me fix my typing errors). My love goes out to Liam and Evelynn, always.ReplyDelete
I am sending you a giant hug. I want you to know I have been thinking of you every day and my heart is breaking for your loss. I am so glad you go to spend time with Evelynn while she was alive and that you have such beautiful photos. I am also glad you have so much love and support surrounding you and I hope that it continues. I cry for you and Derrek and Evelynn everyday. I wish this hadn't happened. I am just so incredibly sorry.ReplyDelete
I am so sorry for your loss. ((((hugs))) There is nothing quite as terrible as losing a child, but to lose two is just unimagineable to most people. my twin daughters were stillborn three years ago, and while nothing will ever be the same, life will slowly begin to brighten. take time for yourself, and surround yourself with love and comfort. i am so sorry for your loss. xoxo, erikaReplyDelete
Your story is even more heartbreaking as you tell the details of it. I am so sorry Becky.. I know this isn't nearly enough, but I am so sorry. I wish this could all be different and that your girl was with you still.ReplyDelete
Thinking of you. Hurting for you.
I wish there were words I could say to make it all hurt less. Words which would heal your heart and offer you hope. I am so tremendously sorry you have to live without your kids. It's incredibly unfair and I'm still so angry for you. The doctor sounds like a real charmer. :(
Thinking of you, your hubby and both your gorgeous kids.
I don't know if I have ever commented before, but I've been reading your blog for awhile, following along with your pregnancy with Evelynn. Thank you so much for sharing her and her story with all of us, even though it's not the way her story was supposed to be. She is beautiful.ReplyDelete
Your story is absolutly heart breaking. I am so sorry you and Derrek had to go through this. Your baby girl Evelynn is beautiful.ReplyDelete
I awoke the other day & thought that it was just a dream, that I thought I read that Evelynn was gone but it was not true. Then reality hit, and I cried for you, that your reality is having two babies in Heaven. In all the midst of your hurting, I cannot believe the callousness of that doctor who told you that it wasn't your choice & walked off after he told you Evelynn had no brain activity. I'm devastated for you - praying for all of you. I'm thankful you had the love of friends, family, and your priest to uphold you. xoxoReplyDelete
Oh Becky, I am so so so sorry that this is how it had to be for you and for Evelynn. It enrages me, it is not fair and it's just terrible that you are suffering through all this. Your sweet girl is beautiful and I only wish you had gotten more, much more, time with her. Please know that I am praying for you, am heartbroken for you, am remembering your precious children with you. You are not alone. xxReplyDelete
I'm just so very sorry. I am shocked at the unfairness that has been brought to you and that has taken little Evelynn's life. Thinking of you.ReplyDelete
I am so sorry for your losses. My heart breaks for you and your husband. I pray that God will bless you with strength through all of this.ReplyDelete
I just read Evelynn's story again and I'm crying. It is just so awful and unfair. She has the best parents and will always hold a very special place in my heart and in so many other people's hearts as well. I think of you often.ReplyDelete
The loss of all losses...Never thought I would have to face such....but I had to. My second baby boy died 3 months ago due to doctor's negligence. Because of a delayed c-section my uterus ruptured and my baby was taken out dead. Despite reanimation he only lived for 8 days. He was also cooled for 72 hours. My beautiful 4kg full-term baby had no brain function. But he showed his love towards us, he died in my arms, just waiting for our visit and arrival on his 8th day. I don't know how to move on. I so want another baby but I am so scared at the same time. Happy for you to have Maximilian!ReplyDelete