Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Another Great Conversation Followed By An Irritating One

I had another great talk with a different babyloss mom last night. This momma, Kristin, found my blog through family on my husbands side from a Facebook post I wrote many months back. Despite the fact that I look ridiculous and my neck has been aching these 2 mommas have made me so happy this week. Rarely have I spoke to anyone on the phone about baby loss, outside of close friends, and now twice with in 2 days. These conversations have been so healing and comforting for me, and its so crazy how well we got along. Both calls I felt like we talked like we have known each other forever, or maybe its just because we really truly understand each other and have this HUGE thing in common. I just hope that these conversations were as meaningful to them as they have been to me.
And Brandi to answer your question about me and Tatiana having any plans to meet? Well no plans yet, but one day I think it would be great to meet her and Kristin also. Maybe one day.

Then today when I went into work the Dr. that I work for asked me how I was doing. I informed him about the ER Dr. being wrong and that it was Bell's Palsy instead. He made me feel so good with what he asked next. He asked me about what meds they had me taking because he was concerned on whether I was pregnant or there was a chance I could be pregnant, and if these drugs were okay for me to be on if I was. It might seem silly I guess that him asking this to me made me happy, but it really made me feel like he cared about me and was concerned for me if I was pregnant.

Then there is what happened after work. Well first I better recap yesterday first. My parents called yesterday and asked how I was doing since we haven't talked in awhile. If you recall at all, I haven't talked about it much, but my family hasn't been too supportive since Liam passed. When I say not supportive I mean that they have never asked about him and when they have asked how I'm doing they act annoyed when I would say I am sad. Sad because my son died and they don't seem to care! So now usually when they call I lie and say I'm fine, unless of course I am fine then there is no need to pretend.
I had told my parents about my face issue and that I was going into see another Dr. that afternoon about it. Chatted about a few other things and then said goodbye. Well while I was talking to Kristin last night on the phone I seen both my parents and sister were trying to call. I didn't end my call with Kristin because that conversation meant a lot to me. When our call did end about a half hour later I called my sister back and she asks why I won't tell my family what is going on with me. I was confused, what, I did tell them earlier today on the phone. Okay, so I call my parents back and get no answer and sit there frustrated on why the hell they seem to be so concerned about my stupid Bells Palsy. I mean I am happy that they are acting like they care about my face so much, but what I wish they cared about is the fact that my heart is still broken in pieces from losing my son and they don't seem to give a damn about that. I must sound fricken bitter about this, which I am, but my face most likely will get 100% better, but my heart, that will always ache for my son, and that is where I need some support. 
I don't write about my family much because I know that some of them actually read my blog, but really I am starting not to care anymore who I might offend. This is a place for me to express my feelings, I should be able to share them all whether good or bad, and if someone reads something they don't like, then they should just stop reading.

As far as my face goes it doesn't look any better yet, but I did just start taking my drugs yesterday and it takes time for it to get better. Now I know I probably sound just crazy because I get so paranoid about everything I do these days. I just really want to ensure my next baby is healthy and if there is any problem, hope to god not, I can't look back and say, "maybe it was those meds I took." It's hard to not want to blame yourself. Not to mention I take so many different pills these days its ridiculous. I take my prenatal, fish oil, and an extra 3g of folic acid daily as is. Then on day 3 of my period I get to take the Clomid for 5 days, give myself an injection to get me to ovulate, take progesterone if needed after that, and if I don't get my period and not pregnant sometimes my Dr. has me go back on Provera to force it on my body. So when you throw in a couple more meds, that I have to take multiple times a day for the next week to cure my Bell's Palsy face, it is just ridiculous.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Best Conversation Ever Followed By A Bad Couple Of Days

Sunday night I had the best conversation I have had in a really long time. Sunday was the night that I spoke to Tatiana. Like me Tatiana had the fetal surgery and like me her little girl died in the surgery. I want to say how happy I am to have met her and had the chance to share our stories together but at the same it sucks knowing this had to happen to someone else. I am however so grateful that Colleen, who met Tatiana through a Spina Bifida forum, directed her my way.

When I first started my blog I wrote a lot of posts talking about the fetal surgery and the MOMS study and mentioned that there were 3 hospitals that took part in it. When Liam died he was the first baby who died in the fetal surgery for Myelomeningocele. After talking to Tatiana I have since learned that another baby had died at the Philadelphia hospital and then her baby had now died at the Vanderbilt hospital. That is one baby now at each of the 3 hospitals. It's still hard for me to believe that not one baby died during the fetal surgery while the study was taking place, but since it has ended 3 have now died.

From talking to her it was just crazy how much we had in common. It was more than just the fetal surgery and babyloss, it was other things in our lives also. We picked out the same nursery set for our babies, we both have miniature schnauzers, and we had the exact same wedding dress. Crazy! We spoke for over 5 hours that evening and covered everything from the beginning of our pregnancies, the test results and ultrasound that confirmed our babies diagnosis, the surgery itself, to our fears for future pregnancies.

There is a part of me now that would love to find that 3rd mother who lost her baby just to see if her story is the same as ours. You see we both had said that just before surgery our babies were kicking like crazy, more than they had ever before. Maybe they could pick up on our nervousness or maybe as I have heard others say is that they believe it was there babies kicking to say they are in distress or saying goodbye. I don't know if I want to believe that but curious now if any of the other mothers who had the fetal surgery also experienced this amount of kicking and movement from there babies just before surgery. I wish that there was a way for us 3 to share our stories with the hospitals and maybe find some kind of link between us that could somehow prevent future mothers from losing there babies in the surgery also. I also just want to point out that even though I now know that there are 3 babies now that have died in this fetal surgery, I believe strongly in the surgery and know that it has changed(for the better) the lives of so many spina bifida babies. It just sucks for us few that it didn't work out.

So that was the best night/conversation I have had in awhile. Right after that though lead up to a horrible early Monday morning that still has not gotten better. Last week the left side of my neck had been throbbing but I thought it was just sore from softball. On Sunday morning at a softball tournament my left eye started hurting followed by a bad headache that ran from my forehead down the left side of my face. After my phone call had ended my neck was throbbing incredibly bad so I went and got an ice pack to put on it and then went to go get ready for bed. That is when I realized the left side of my face was no longer working. I freaked out, thought for sure I had a stroke or something but tried to remain calm and just put the ice on my neck and go to bed.

By 2am I was still awake and in severe pain. I thought maybe I had a bad ear infection so I googled it and read that if you have facial weakness you need to see someone immediately. So that's what I did, I went to the ER at 2:30 in the morning. I spoke to 2 nurses and told them about my neck pain and facial weakness, then when the dr. came in I explained it all again to her. She said nothing about my face issue but just that I had a bad sinus infection and ear infection. She gave me drugs and told me to get it looked at in a few days if its not better. I was freaking out. I didn't want to be on any drugs. There is a chance I could be pregnant, why now do I get an infection!

Off of 2 hours of sleep I went into work that morning in pain and with a half working face. I was pretty much just laughing at myself, seriously why does shit like this happen to me. I never get sick and now this. Some people at work mentioned that it looked like I had Bells' Palsy. I googled that and of course I freaked out more. Why the hell didn't the ER dr. address that? That is clearly what I have.

Made it through work and by last night I was so tired I went to bed early, the pain didn't even phase me anymore. I woke up today still in pain and now my eye was really getting dry because I can barely blink anymore. Which by the way I also can barely eat, drink, or brush my teeth since only half my face functions. It's fricken ridiculous. I made an appt with a dr. today to get it looked at again. This dr. informs me that the ER dr. was completely wrong. I do not have sinus infection or an ear infection and the meds she gave me are pointless. What I do have is Bell's Palsy. How the hell I got it, who knows. Dr. tells me I need to get on a whole new set of drugs to get the swelling on my face down to save the 7th cranial nerve on my face so its not permanent and to come back on Friday if they aren't helping and he will run more tests.

So I have to explain to him that there is this chance I could be pregnant and am super worried about being on any drugs at all. He explains that these drugs haven't been tested on pregnant women but that the benefit outweighs the risk because if I don't start treatment now the nerve could get damaged. WTF! I have the worst luck ever. I am trying to do everything I can to be healthy and don't want to be on any drugs and now this happens out of nowhere. I then called my Ob because I am so worried to the point I don't want to be pregnant now because I'm so scared of harming my baby. She said that they have seem women with this condition before and have been on the same drugs and have been fine, so I should try not to worry. I guess I have calmed down now, but seriously why. Why me and why now? Grrrr!

I won't show you a picture of myself with this. Although when I try to smile I just look ridiculous so I'll share this photo with you of someone else who has it. Keep in mind that this person is attempting to show his teeth and raise his eyebrows with Bell's palsy on his right side. Fricken ridiculous!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Could It Be?

Why yes it is. Someone else out there has experienced the exact same horseshit luck as me. I never thought I would ever see the day, and as much as I would've liked to have had someone to speak to about our similar losses right after my son died, it was in a way nice knowing that death in fetal surgery was not a common thing. If anyone remembers many months back I wrote about how I was searching like crazy to find someone who had a story like mine and kept coming up empty handed? Well, that person has found me. As much as I want to say I am happy about this, because as much as I feel I am finally not alone in this Spina Bifida fetal surgery babyloss world anymore, I hate knowing that someone else out there is struggling to get through life after losing there baby in fetal surgery also.

Now the problem is that this person left me a comment on Liam's story and asked if I ever wanted to chat or email back. I would love to chat more with you about the surgery and our losses, but you did not leave me an email address to reply to. If you are reading this please message me again with your email address. I would really like to talk with you and so happy that you found my blog.

Other thoughts at the moment:

-Derecks brother posted a couple of pics on Facebook yesterday from when they were very young. I'd say Dereck was maybe 2, not sure. Anyway, Liam looks so much like him its crazy.
Which by the way thank you everyone for all sweet comments about Liam from the last post.

-Facebook friend I mentioned from the other day still has not had her baby. She has got to be like a week overdue by now. It's killing me, just have your baby already. I read comments on her page that say she is getting induced today so maybe she will get to meet her little lady later today.

-I hate knowing that I should be celebrating with my friends in Michigan right now. Two great friends getting married and I am not there. I feel like such a shitty friend. These friends have been there through so much with us and Liam in the past year and I am not there for there special day. Geez, I am a horrible friend. Seriously though, 31 days this month and my ovulation has to fall on there wedding. I have such crappy luck. Well actually I guess I can't say too crappy of luck because Dereck was able to get this week off so he would be here for my ovulation and I guess I should be happy I am even ovulating this month so we can actually try. I still want to cry about it though. I almost considered just bailing on the ttc this month just because I know that if I don't end up pregnant this month I will be so angry with my body because not only did I not get pregnant I missed two of my best friends wedding. If I could have ovulated just one or two days sooner everything would have worked out just fine, but no, not my body. It has to wait until the last minute right before Dereck has to get on a plane for work and I should be well on a plane also, to a wedding.

beach at the hotel, looks fabulous, don't it?
-There is a good chance I might be going to Reno now. A few members of Derecks family are going and since I can't make the wedding and love these relatives, I might as well go meet up with them. I also could really use some sun and relaxation right now. Who knows, maybe lounging at the hotel pool, which by the way has a sand beach, so excited, will relax me enough that when I come home and take my pregnancy test I'll be able to handle the result better, no matter what it is. It better be positive though.

-Too add to the fact that I might be going to Reno, and there's a pool with a beach, I will be wearing a swimsuit. Went shopping yesterday and left just disgusted with my body. For the most part I have my stomach back, other than of course for that little pooch I have now along with a c-section scar across my lower abdomen. I don't want to sound like I am hating that bad on the scar and pooch because after all I electively chose to have this surgery and c-sections for life and it is a huge part of my son's story and short life, but also such a sad painful part.
Also though, I am just hating on my butt and legs right now. I lost the weight I had gained when pregnant and don't really need to lose more but just want to get a little more toned. The best thing to tone my legs and butt though are running and that is the one thing my dr. does not want me to do very much of. You see when I was first trying to get pregnant with Liam my dr. blamed a lot of my ovulation and period issues on having too low of a BMI, which made me pretty upset because I knew many people that were athletes that had gotten pregnant no problem, and I am not on any level an athlete. I do however try to keep myself in pretty good shape, but now I have just been too afraid to do too much physical activity for fear my dr. was right. I was actually worried that the backpacking and extra hiking last month was the cause of my lack of ovulation, but my dr. keeps telling me that stuff is fine. So who knows, but I feel like whining about it anyway and its my blog, so I can.
Afterall I should be in great shape from all the jogging I should be doing while I push Liam in his Chariot, right?

-And now the start of the 2 week wait begins.

Okay update: She had her baby and now I am in tears. How can you be so happy for someone yet so sad, mad, angry, and depressed all at the exact same time. It just isn't fair!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

A Facebook Message From A Stranger

Yesterday I received this Facebook message.
The names have been changed also.

Facebook picture
Hi Becky, My name is Sally-we're mutual friends with Alice. As I was on her page today I noticed your page as well and couldn't take my eyes off the picture of this beautiful little baby girl. Is she yours? I know this may seem really random, but I was curious about the story behind that precious photo and wanted to ask. There's a special place in my heart for little babies, and she seemed she may have been born early? Such an incredible picture-worth 1000 words.

I sent her this message back:
Sally, thank you for saying that you think my baby is beautiful. She is actually a he though. His name is Liam and he was in fact born too early at 26 weeks on January 3rd. Unfortunately though my precious little boy passed away. He died in surgery that day.
Thank you for the sweet comment though.

Oh I am so sorry!!! I wondered the sex, but didn't think about it as I began writing. Sorry. My sister delivered early and her baby died as well. So when I saw your picture it brought me right back to the day I got to hold her little one-he too was a boy. I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss, I hope by my asking-it didn't bring back the heartache too badly. What a special mother you are-not many people share your experience and it is truely a special gift from God-your little Liam.

It was fine that you asked. I think about him all the time anyway and like I said I loved hearing that you think he is beautiful. I couldn't agree more.
Sorry to also hear about your sister. I hope she is doing okay. grieving over the loss of your child isn't easy.

indeed, it is not easy-I can't pretend to understand that grief. But I can empathize through others explaining it to me. (the hat looks purple on my computer that's why I thought a little lady!) sorry again. I pray for blessings on more little miracles in your future.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I can't say that enough in regards to Sally's message. For a complete stranger to randomly see Liam's picture next to a comment left on facebook and to think he is that beautiful that she needs to send me a message telling me how gorgeous he is- I just can't wipe the smile off my face. 

Beautiful little baby, Precious photo, Such an incredible picture-worth 1000 words, Special mother
The chances of me getting comments like that anymore about my little boy are far and few, but when I do it's like music to my ears! I know he is beautiful, precious, gorgeous beyond 1000 words, but to get told that. My heart is beating so fast, but in a good way. I am not angry because of someones thoughtless comment for a change, but overjoyed. I can't say it enough how grateful I am to have gotten that message from a complete stranger at that. Love it, love it, love!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011


This the first email I see in my inbox today.


Clomid linked to birth defects in children‏

Have you or a loved one used Clomid? You may be entitled to substantial compensation! Contact the Clomid Lawsuit Center.

Oh WTF! I did not need to see that! Great, as if I'm not already in a panic state praying to God my next baby won't have a birth defect. Stupid junk email how did you end up in my inbox?

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

There Is A Chance And A Letter To The Counselor

Yup, that's right, there is a chance that I could get pregnant this month. My Dr. said that my body responded well to the double dose of Clomid and I had a whole bunch of follicles. She thinks that a couple of them should be big enough before Dereck leaves on Friday morning. I am so happy, we have a chance and a game plan set. Thursday night I will be giving myself the HCG injection and then we will get it on, on Friday morning before Dereck leaves. So hopefully if I ovulate early on Thursday, or later, by Saturday we should be covered. We are also not going to do an IUI. My Dr. says she really thinks that the Clomid and inj. will be enough. I sure hope she's right. So I am crossing my fingers that they continue to grow. I know it is still no guarantee that we will end up pregnant but I am happy that we at least have the chance to try.
Of course now I will not be making my friends wedding in Michigan. I hope she understands. I really want to be there for her but that this is so important to me.

I finally got around to writing a letter to that counselor I had seen a few weeks ago. You remember that post about that appt., don't you? The lady who thought I should just say goodbye to Liam and move on. I wish I would have had the nerve to tell her off right there that day in her office, but I didn't. I also don't have it in me to tell her over the phone, but after talking to my grief group coordinator I decided to write her a letter. I could have just let this go but I feel she really needs to know how much she hurt me. It has now been 2 1/2 weeks since that horrible visit and it still irritates me that a counselor (Dr. of Psychology) could be such a heartless bitch. I tried not to be mean in the letter or tell her how to do her job, but I did tell her that I don't think she considered my feelings at all when it came to those stupid scenarios she gave me. I told her that I had wanted someone to talk to about Liam and will never just put him and his life in the past. I also mentioned how I should've never had to leave a counselors office, who is suppose to help me, bawling my eyes out and made to feel that my thoughts about my son were irrational. It was a fairly long letter and at the end I informed her that I will never be making another appt. nor will I ever refer her to anyone, ever.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Getting Anxious

Went to sleep crying last night, that is if you can even call it sleep, maybe more of a long nap. I tossed and turned until sometime after 3am when I finally dozed off until I woke up at 6 and then tossed and turned again till 7. So much on my mind right now. I swear these next few days could make or break me.

First off:
This past few weeks I have been bad, I pretty much have been facebook stalking. You see this girl I was friends with from back in Minnesota is about 2-3 days past her due date right now. I more less have been looking at facebook daily just waiting to see the post that her little girl has been born. I don't know why I feel the need to check her status multiple times a day. I get sad everytime I read updates about cleaning the nursery, taking daily long walks in hopes to induce labor, and jealous at all the comments from friends and family telling that baby to hurry up and join the world so they can all meet her. I want to say how happy I am that they are so happy and excited for there baby girls arrival, but there is this mad, angry side to me saying that this isn't fair. Why does everyone else get to be so happy? Why didn't I get to be that pregnant? The chance that something can go wrong is slim and well I wouldn't want anyone to have to endure this pain but that doesn't take away from the fact that I hate that my little boy had to die and there's a really good chance that everything will be fine for her. Do I sound like a real bitch for feeling this way? I don't care, it's true, I am jealous of everyone who is excited about the chance to meet there little one and actually gets the chance to meet them-ALIVE!

Tomorrow is my follicle check and it has finally sunk in that tomorrow will tell us if we will actually get lucky and get to do an IUI this month. I have been very calm these past 11 days, but now I am anxious and want Monday to hurry up so we can get to Tuesday 11:45am. I am trying to remain calm, I mean there's isn't anything I can do to change the outcome of the follicle check anyway, but I am getting nervous and worried. We only have until Friday to do an IUI, and that's only if the follicles are big enough, and then Dereck has to leave. I tend to ovulate late but there is this chance I could ovulate early since I took the double dose of Clomid. I only have until day 15, and if they aren't ready and Dereck has to leave for work, then what? Then I will have just taken the double dose of Clomid, which has given me a headache for the past 6 days, for nothing. Then there is my friends wedding in Michigan next weekend. Me going to this wedding is based completely on the outcome of this follicle check. Could I actually get lucky and have it all work out for me? Eeeeek! Tomorrow I will know the answer, eeeek! I know
I'm only a few months into ttc this time but I am tired of being stressed out trying to get pregnant. I want to be at that next step being anxious, nervous, worried and pregnant.

Love this and wanted to share it!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Walk To Remember

Today was the Walk to Remember here in Anchorage. I would say that there was approx. 60-80 people that showed up for the walk, which I think was pretty good considering the weather was dreary and rainy. We all wrote on our balloons and also wrote a message in this book to our babies that was read during the balloon release.
Just walking into the hospital where everyone was meeting before the walk brought tears to my eyes. I also cried writing on Liam's balloon, while listening to the letters being read, and as I watched all the balloons going up and away. It's so hard not to think about why I am here and not at home with a 5-6 month old instead.
I never even knew things like this existed. I guess why would I have. Walks and balloon releases in memory of loved ones lost were new to me until January 3rd, the day Liam passed away, and now they are and will continue to be a part of my life.

I hope you got to see the balloons your father and I sent up to you. I wasn't sure what to write on mine since there is about a billion things I want to tell you, but I hope you like it. I also hope you never forget how much we love you and miss you.
Love always, Mom

Friday, August 19, 2011


A quick update about ttc. I finished up my Clomid yesterday. I took a double dose this month. I have never had a reaction before when I took the single dose but ever since I started taking double this cycle I have had a headache everyday and have felt like I can barely think, blah. As long as it works I can deal with that. Crossing my fingers the follicles will be ready to go for an IUI at my Ob visit on Tuesday.
I am not overly excited for this cycle but yet not down and depressed. I am okay and at peace with things for now and hope through that my stress won't interfere with me ovulating.

August has been a busy month and it is amazing how fast it has gone by. Is it really the 19th of August already? Here is what's been going on outside of the ttc business.

One of my Halibut. Also caught cod and silver salmon
Went fishing the first weekend of August with 8 friends on one of the couples boat. We went out in Prince William Sound. We stayed on the boat 2 nights, which I was rather nervous about at first. I tend not to get sea sick but I have also never slept on a boat before either. We surprisingly had pretty good weather though so we were able to get a lot of fishing in, and no sickness. It was so much fun. On Saturday night I ended up having a couple of baileys in coffee, love them, after I took a pregnancy test on the boat that morning giving me the first BFN I wrote about the other week. I also had a great talk with the friend whose boat we were on about Liam. She had heard that I had lost a baby, but never new the details, and its always nice to be able to talk about him. She listened and sounded so sincere, I love her.
I like how I can't go anywhere, fun times or not, and not think about what we would or should be doing now if he were here.

The second weekend I went to a friends wedding. This was the first wedding I have attended since Liam passed. There are always babies at weddings and they are so cute crawling around the dance floor. How could I not stare at them and wish that my little guy was with them. There were even 2 mothers there with there little ones, both boys and in chest carriers. I overheard that one was 3 months and the other 6 months, Liam would be right between them two in age. I am not lying when I say I was staring at them all night and I was jealous. Very, very jealous. 
Will I always feel this way, even after I have another baby? Will I then be holding my next baby while staring at the 2 year olds, 3 year olds, and so on and be saddened by the fact that Liam should be that age also. Probably.

Summer softball has ended and Dereck and I started playing fall ball(softball) this past week. Same as always, wish I couldn't play because I was pregnant but since I am not, playing softball is a great way to stay busy a few nights a week.
I have been playing on this team for about 3 months now and had a couple of friends on the team before I started. Most of the team knew each other well since they had played together for the past several years and then there were some new people to the team this summer also. Besides Dereck and I only 2 other people, I think, knew that I was pregnant last year and had lost my baby. I make very little effort to get to know people anymore. I hate small talk, not that I have ever been a huge fan of it, but overall it seems that if we weren't friends prior to Jan. 3rd I don't really have anything to say to you unless you want to hear about Liam or ttc. I rarely speak to some old friends but have managed to make a few new good friends since. I kind of feel lucky that I got to get to know them because they are all great people (2 of these people were the owners of the boat we were on).
Now my softball teammates though, I barely know any of them. Like I said its been almost 3 months and they seem really nice and lots of fun to be around but I just can't bring myself to loosen up and just say, well anything, not even a "how's it going" or even a "hello" most of the time. I often wonder if my teammates just assume I am shy and quiet or just am always cranky. It has happened more than once that I have came to a game and have been in a crappy mood because I had a sad/bad day.
When I was growing up I was the loud, always talking, probably even cut you off when you tried to speak kind of girl(not on purpose of course). I just loved to talk and for that reason my parents nicknamed me the mouth. I was very outgoing and made friends fairly easily, but that girl seems to be gone. I am meeting lots of people, still getting out, and staying busy doing various activities but I just don't have anything to say anymore. Half the time when anyone, other than close friends, says anything to me I give such lame one word responses like okay, ya, ehh. Who am I and why can't I just speak? Then there is just the always being tired and lacking in energy part of me. I know I have said it many times but I am just so tired of being tired. I want my energy back.

Tomorrow is the Walk To Remember here in Anchorage. I am so happy Dereck is home to do it with me. I can't wait for the balloon release in memory of all the babies lost.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Not So Disappointed Anymore And Great Talk With The Hubby

Really body, is this really the game we are going to play? You just love screwing with me, don't you?

Today I got my period, not on the day when it was supposed to come on, which was Monday. Usually I either get it on the right day or I don't get it at all, but this month it decides to show up 5 days late. Late just enough for me to believe I could actually be pregnant, which it turned out I'm not, and then that this month is just a no go. I really think my body enjoys playing games with me. I even had myself convinced that its okay that I didn't get my period, that it's not what I prefer to have happened, but that its fine that we have to wait until next month to try again. That maybe I needed this month to destress a little since I have been so stressed out thinking about my body, ovulation, ttc, and the crazy counselor lady.

But now that means that there is a chance, a small one, but actually still a chance that we could get pregnant this month. As I said in the last post that Dereck was able to get a week off of work so that he would hopefully be here for my ovulation time this month. If I would have gotten my period on Monday(8th) then we would've had until CD 19 for my follicles to get big enough for an IUI, but now since I didn't get my period till today we have only have until CD 15. Last time, in June, my follicles weren't big enough until CD19 to do the IUI and we don't have that long now. Of course in July the follicles didn't grow at all so that's why my Dr. wanted to up my Clomid dose for the the next cycle. We are praying that the double dose of Clomid that I'll be taking on CD 3(Sunday) will kick my follicles into gear and they will be big enough before CD 15. It's a long shot that they'll be big enough, but I feel we at least have to try. So I did call my Dr. then today and told her about getting my period and going to be starting the Clomid. I feel the anxiety coming back already now since we have a chance afterall.

The good news is that there is this chance, that I thought for sure was gone now that we could get pregnant this cycle. There is also a bad side to this though. You see my very good friend is getting married on the 26th in Michigan-and we live in Alaska, not exactly a short flight. I knew it was going to be close and I might not make it to the bachelorette party which was that Thursday before the wedding, and it sounded like it was going to be so much fun, but I told her that I was pretty sure I would be at the wedding. Now of course if we can do the IUI it will most likely, if at all, happen on that CD 15(that Friday before the wedding on Saturday). I have the time off of work but trying to buy a last minute plane ticket to fly from Alaska to Michigan to be there in time for the wedding will be tricky, not to mention if I do get lucky enough to get the IUI done my Dr. might tell me that flying for the next 12 hours is not recommended. Ehhh!

Why can't things ever just be simple and work out. It always seems there is either nothing going on or everything is happening all at the same time. I really don't want to miss this wedding. These friends have done so much for Dereck and I through everything these past 8 months, the least I can do is be there for them on there special day.

It's just that I want to be pregnant again so badly. sigh


Dereck and I also had a great talk last night. It had been awhile since we actually sat and talked about Liam, especially since the last 2 months have been filled with this ttc business. We talked about my closeness to San Francisco, since for some reason I am still obsessed with that city and Dereck hates it and has no desire to go near it again. We talked about all of things we wish now that we would've done at the hospital just after Liam passed. Our regrets- not bathing him, changing his clothes, rocking him,  singing to him- but we just didn't know what to do at the time. We talked about his pictures and how beautiful he is and how much we love his name. How we both feel having family names are very important to us versus just naming our child some random name. We are sad that we and he will never get the chance to write his name, its long- William Maximilian, that would definitely use all the space up on most forms/paperwork. He will never get to say his name and be proud of his name and what it represents. We talked about him being in Heaven with his Grandpa and probably having a blast in his perfect little body. We talked about so much and I just loved it. I love talking about my little Liam monster- also sad I never get to call him that because I was certain he was going to be a very smart little monster.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Disappointed With My Body, Again

At my July follicle check appt #2, which I wrote about here, my Dr. had said I had a very little chance of getting pregnant that cycle and wouldn't be doing an IUI because my body didn't react to the Clomid and I probably wouldn't ovulate. She said there was a chance, a very small one, that we could get pregnant on our own though. I wrote about how angry I was at my body and why this was happening to me, to us. So I was pretty mad last month about that but didn't want to give up complete hope since there was a tiny chance we could get pregnant on our own.

Well Monday should've been period day 1, and it was not. It is now Wednesday and I still haven't gotten my period. I thought just maybe I actually got pregnant without the use of an IUI, so I took a pregnancy test. Of course I get a BFN! I should've known better, why would I be pregnant, this is exactly how my body was the 2 years ttc Liam. I either get a light period and don't ovulate or I don't get my period which then I won't ovulate. I am mad, angry, and depressed, again!

That means this month is a no go for us again, ugh! It sucks even more because last month Dereck got off work a week early to be here for my ovulation time, which didn't happen. Then he was supposed to be working for my ovulation time this month but I begged for him to please do whatever it takes to get off work so we can try this month, which he did, and now my body isn't gonna work, again. This just sucks! So 2 months in a row now of Dereck switching his work schedules around, inconveniencing his other coworkers, and for what. Its one thing I guess if we do the IUI and I don't get pregnant, would still be mad, but at least we'd get the chance to try.

I am just so mad at my body. Why, why, why????

I called my Dr. to figure out a new game plan since the one we had set up to double my Clomid dose won't be taking place this month. She isn't sure if I should get back on the pill to try and force a period and ovulation next month or just wait and see what happens. I have to call her back on Friday and let her know if I still haven't gotten my period and she will decide from there what the new plan is.

I am just so frustrated with my body right now. I was really hoping that since my body had been pregnant with Liam that it would function properly finally versus reverting back to its old nonovulating/no period ways. I was wrong.

Thanks everyone for all the comments on my last post. I wish I could say I was exaggerating, but that counselor really was a fricken nut job. I even thought for a second maybe I was just overreaacting at what she was saying to me, but you are all right she was crazy and definitely has never experienced any kind of signifigant loss or has any compassion for anyone who has. I will not be going back, nor will I recommend her to anyone EVER!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Appt #2 And Probably The Last With The New Counselor

I thought I was going to really like my new counselor, the one I wrote about last week. She seemed perfect I thought since she liked working with women's health, especially fertility related stuff. I don't think its going to work out though. I hate to give up on her so soon since it was only the second appt but she just made me furious today. Not once did I ever leave my old counselors office crying as hard as I did today. I mean I have cried in appts before because I was talking about Liam and it made me sad, but we barely even talked about Liam. So what did we talk about then? Well, she decided that there is help for me and that I am an intelligent person and we are going to get to work on changing my way of thinking today.

She told me I need to stop thinking about all my future pregnancy fears because I just need to get pregnant first. Makes sense and I know that worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet isn't helping me. I have been better about that and calmed down a lot I think in regards to those pregnancy fears. I also get why she wants me to just focus on the present because stress and ttc aren't a good combination. Here is the part about this appt. that really pissed me off though. She pretty much told me that if I want to get pregnant I need to forget my past.
Yeah, forget my past right! Did you even listen to my story last time about what happened to me and my baby?
She said that I can't change it, it happened and its in the past now. I know I can't change it but it doesn't mean my heart still doesn't hurt. She then told me that I need to go home and write a good bye letter to Liam. A letter telling him that I love him and sad that he had to die but that I will always love him, but that in order for me to have another baby I need to say goodbye.

I don't know what anybody else thinks of that but I started bawling my eyes out. I am not to that point yet and really I don't want to ever just say "goodbye maybe I'll see you again sometime." Is she not aware its only been 7 months.

She didn't ask anymore questions about me, life, or family. I feel like she barely knows anything since we only had one appt. I just feel like she didn't even listen to me. I wasn't looking for someone to help me forget my son. I wanted someone to talk to about Liam and share my feelings with. I don't get to talk about him that often and she doesn't think I should talk about him at all because that's in the past. GRRRR! I am so angry by that. Then she had me do these exercises to see how I would handle certain situations where she would make up a scenario and I would tell her how I'd react to the situations. Would I handle them by yelling, crying, walking away, more less would I be able to handle it without letting my emotions completely take over. Somehow she decides it would be fitting though to have one of her scenarios revolve around kids.

For example:
Her: Tell me what you would do if your baby was crying?
(All I am thinking about is why are we talking about crying babies. What I would do if my baby was crying right now. I'd be jumping for joy not here is what I'd be doing!)
Me: Ugh, I don't know.
Her: Well you'll have to see if the baby needs to be fed or if the diaper needs to be changed. Babies can't communicate with you in the way we can. You have to be patient and figure out what the baby needs. etc...
Me: Ugh, I, I, I don't have a living baby. I don't know.
(no shit about checking if the baby needs to be fed or changed, but why are talking about crying babies when mine is clearly dead and your supposed to be helping me cope with that.)

She then changed the subject (thankfully) about me having dogs and how I would deal with them if they weren't listening since they can't communicate with us in the same way either. I just responded with saying maybe yell at them or pull up on there choker. Just depends on what they were or weren't doing.

Then she asks how I would react if I went to my next Ob appt and she tells me again that my follicles didn't respond, I most likely won't ovulate again, and we can't proceed with the IUI again. I told her I don't know but maybe yell and bawl my eyes out. I cried hard last time hearing that. She of course asked about what I would do after the crying stopped, then what. I said probably look into the next month. She said that's right because you can't do nothing about it.

She brings up the last one, I don't remember exactly what she said though since my tears were pouring down my face, but it was again baby/child related. Like I said I can't remember but the last thing she said of that part of our conversation was that no child ever died because a parent was too stressed out. If that were the case there would never be any kids.

WTF is wrong with this lady! Am I over reacting here? I just wanted to talk about Liam today, that's all, not this. I went into the appt in a good mood and shouldn't feel worse after I leave.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

7 Months

I still follow this blog created by a mom who had the fetal surgery done to correct her sons spina bifida like me and Liam had. I love reading about the progress that her son is making since having the surgery and it makes me wonder how Liam would be doing compared to her little boy. They had the surgery about 6 months before we did and I found her blog the week before we were going in to have the surgery. It was so reassuring to see that her son was doing well. She wrote all about her experience in San Francisco, the surgery, her time at the Family House, and what 's been happening in her son's life since the surgery. She also has tons of links on her page to other fetal surgery moms and things relating to spina bifida. I was happy to have came across this and learn a little more about what we were getting into. I had wanted to send her an email or comment on her blog when I first read it to see if I could ask her more questions about the surgery, but I never did and feel maybe it was for best since things didn't work out for us.
As I said I still read her blog and it usually doesn't affect me too much reading it. I feel in a way that it gives me reassurance that I did the right thing having the surgery. And yes sometimes I still need that reassurance. The other day though she wrote on her blog that she went to a spina bifida conference. She was able to meet up with some of the mothers she met while at the family house after the surgery and also met numerous other spina bifida moms.
I found myself actually getting jealous reading that.
When I first found out Liam had spina bfida I was mad and scared. I was mad because I thought I did something wrong that gave my baby this defect and I was scared because I felt that I would never be strong enough to care for a child with it. I loved my son more than anything though and did fully accept that he had spina bifida and was ready to do anything and everything to help him have a chance at a better life. I accepted it and I should be in that club, not this one. I should be meeting with other spina bifida moms, going to conferences, sharing stories, and learning about ways to help my son.
I just can't believe that 7 months later a part of me still holds onto this anger and jealously that others have these amazing stories about the fetal surgery and what it did for there babies lives. Then there is what happened to me. I probably should just stop following this blog and clicking on any other spina bifida/fetal surgery related stuff because that really isn't part of my life anymore. I mean it was, Liam had spina bifida and we had the fetal surgery, but I don't have the same ending as the others got.

And just another reason for me to cry, since I seem to be doing way too much of it this past month and I just can't stop is that I found out the other day that one of the girls on my softball team who hasn't been playing recently is pregnant. She just finished her first trimester I guess.  Happy for her as I am anybody, but why does everyone else keep getting pregnant? Why couldn't I be the one the bench pregnant:(

So here I am 7 months later and I am still sounding like this broken record. This bothers me, that makes me cry, that breaks my heart, that makes me angry. Majority of the posts are the same, of course that is the nature of the blog I guess. The only thing that has really changed since I've started it nearly 6 months ago is adding in the ttc bit. Which so far hasn't been going so well. Ugh!

Today marks 7 months since we were last together. I miss you more than ever. As of right now I can tell you love that it hasn't really gotten any easier. I just miss you so much and my heart hurts.
Love always, Mom
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