Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas 2012

Today is Christmas Eve. It also marks 8 months since my baby girl passed away. I am not really in the Christmas spirit this year and barely did anything Christmas related. I didn't set up a tree or any decorations. I feel bad not getting Evelynn a stocking or an ornament for the tree, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't know how I managed to do it last year for Liam. I suppose its because I was pregnant with Evelynn. Today Dereck and I spent the day baking and tomorrow we are going to some friends house for dinner. Last weekend we went to my work Christmas party and surprisingly had a lot of fun. I also bought some presents for the kids on the Salvation Army tree. You will never guess the names I picked. They couldn't have been more perfect. 
You see that! Eve Lynn (Evelynn) and Will Max (William Maximilian)

Merry Christmas Liam and Evelynn,
I love you and miss you always my sweet babies.

Also, I want to thank all of you that have been there for me these past couple years, especially the ones who have since gone on to have their rainbows and still keep in touch. Your friendship and support means the world to me. Thank you for remembering my babies. I just hope you all know that even though I rarely comment on any of your blog posts, I still read them and think of all of your babies often. So today and always as I remember my sweet babies Liam and Evelynn I am remembering your sweet babes as well.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Baby Via Gestational Carrier Journey Update 6

First off I will just say thanks for all the sweet comments on the video I made for the "I Believe" free IVF contest. The voting starts today and ends on Friday. Here is the link so you can go vote, and if you could share it with all of your friends, that would be great. It is going to be in the primary infertility category under the Rasmussen Family Becky and Dereck. I believe you can only vote twice from the same IP address.

November 30th-December 3rd
I got my blood drawn on November 30th to check my prolactin levels. Then I had to wait the whole weekend until Monday to get the results. I was antsy and couldn't wait to hear the results, so I called the lab directly and had them fax them to me. My RE wanted my levels to be under 20. My prolactin level was 132.5. Fuck! I threw a huge tantrum and then called my nurse at our fertility clinic.

My nurse said that she would give the results to our RE and then get back to me on what he wants to do. When she called back she said that if I was going to be the one carrying the baby there is no way we could do the January cycle with my prolactin levels the way they are, but since Jessica is going to be carrying our baby(s) there is a chance this could still work. He said he needed some time to think about this and would call me the next day.

December 4th
Tuesday came and I had really hoped my RE would call me right away in the morning, but of course he didn't. He finally called at around noon. He said that he can't believe I didn't stop pumping until September and said that I was supposed to have stopped sooner than that. I was a little angry hearing that because, as I said in my last update, that when we first met with them he said I would be fine pumping as long as I stopped 8 weeks prior to the start of the meds. He also went onto say that he is frustrated that he is first hearing now that I have had high prolactin levels before and have taken meds to lower it. He said if he would've known that he would've checked my levels sooner. Last time I checked he is the fricken doctor and I am the dumb patient. Am I right? Why would I have ever thought to bring prolactin up to him? I didn't even know prolactin played as big of a role in getting pregnant as I do now. Ugh!

So since my prolactin levels were so high and I am neither pregnant or nursing he said I needed to get a pituitary MRI right away to make sure I don't have a tumor growing. Luckily, since I work in the medical field I have great connections and was able to get squeezed in for an MRI later that day. I also know the Radiologist, so after the MRI I asked him to look at it right away. He said he doesn't see anything but is going to send the images to his friend who is a neuroradiologist and looks at these things all day. They were having some computer issues though, so hopefully I will know the final result this week.

My RE then put me on Dostinex. He also changed my birth control pills because the estrogen based one I was on can apparently raise prolactin levels as well. I have done so much research on prolactin my head hurts, but I am trying everything I can to lower my levels. I have learned that Zinc and B6 apparently can lower prolactin so I am consuming a lot of it. I wonder if its possible to overdose on them?

That same day, after talking with the RE, Dereck and I had our counseling appt. for this whole process. I had to share our story and why we are using a carrier. It went pretty well I guess.

December 5th
The next day Dereck needed to get another infectious disease test done. This was a whole other issue we are having with our fertility clinic. They apparently couldn't find a clinic in Alaska to run the tests Dereck needed. Which doesn't make sense to us. Seriously, this whole satellite clinic crap that is supposed to be sooo convenient is such a bunch of bullshit! Our clinic even sent my Ob doctor a fax saying she needed to find a place to get this stuff done. When I talked to my Ob she seemed rather confused about this as well. What's so special about there lab that one up here in Alaska can't do? In the end the clinic just shipped us the tubes that were needed for Dereck to get his blood drawn and a urine sample. We then took it all to FedEx and shipped it to MN to there preferred lab to run it. Hopefully it all made it to their lab and looks good. otherwise Dereck might have to fly there to get them done again. So dumb!

I believe this past week Jessica and her husband got their infectious disease panels done as well.

Yesterday I got an email from my lawyer saying that he spoke to Jessica's lawyer about the contract. So today I will be calling him to discuss the changes that they want made. Hopefully by the end of this week or at the latest next week the contract will be complete. Then the only thing left is waiting on my prolactin results.

December 20th I will be getting my prolactin level checked again. My RE said that if it shows a significant decrease then he feels we might be fine to go ahead with everything. I really hate all this waiting and that's all I seem to be doing these days. I kind of feel like I want them to just tell me too bad and that we have to wait until March. I feel they are just giving me this false hope and just letting me think their might be a chance when their really isn't. At any rate, I will just keep taking my Dostinex and doing whatever else I can do to help lower my prolactin level. Oh and apparently stress can raise prolactin......crap.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

"I Believe" Video- Our Journey through Loss and the Hope of Bringing a Baby Home

Even though we are already working with a fertility clinic, I decided to make a video for the "I Believe" video contest through Sher Institutes. They are giving away a free IVF cycle at one of there many clinics. The clinic we are already established at isn't one of them, but if our clinic doesn't end up working out and we win this, I would definitely make the switch.

What do you all think? Do we have a winner or what?

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Baby Via Gestational Carrier Journey Update 5

So I guess I lied about the next post being on a happier note and about the fundraiser.

I don't even know where to begin or if I should even classify this as a gestational carrier post update or what. After I unloaded everything in one big blog post last night, I thought today would be a better today. Ha! It started at about 8am and it hasn't gotten any better. I'll get right to it.

Yesterday I wrote that I was annoyed with my fertility clinic. Well today I am outright pissed off. Maybe I am overreacting, I tend to do that, but maybe I am not. I chose this clinic for 2 main reasons. One being the fact they had a satellite clinic in Alaska in which I could go to and get all of my stuff done at versus going down there for everything. Two being that not having to travel back and forth to MN so much would save us money on expensive plane tickets and from missing work. The down fall to this clinic we thought at the time was that we had to wait over 6 months to do our egg retrieval, which is turning into 9+ months now.

We first met with this clinic back in May. They new I was pumping my daughters breast milk. They said it was fine as long as I quit a few months prior to starting the fertility meds. The last time I pumped was in September. I get a call today and apparently it is an issue now. Tomorrow morning I have to go into my ob lab and get a fasting prolactin test done. Depending on what it says I am may not be able to do the egg retrieval in January anymore. If we can't do this in January I am going to freak the fuck out.

A few other things were brought to my attention as well today. I am not even going to get into it but fuck, fuck fuck! I called my Ob Dr. crying after hearing this lovely news. I told her how upset I was with this clinic because all these things keep coming up that I feel should've been taken care of months ago, not a month before we should be starting the IVF process. I also explained to her about the breast milk/prolactin issue. I understand that there isn't much I can do until I get the results of that test back, but I hope to god these results are in my favor. Dereck is as annoyed as I am and is to the point that if we can't do January he wants to switch to the clinic we were originally going to use.

I don't want to wait any longer. I just want to do everything in January. I want a good egg retrieval, I want to transfer 2 embryos, I want an easy twin pregnancy with Jessica, and I want two living healthy babies in the end. And yes I want 2 embryos transferred and will do as much as I can to convince the RE we need to do this. Is that asking too much. Is it?

Oh and listen to this. I chatted with a girl today who has her carrier pregnant with twins right now. They went through the fertility clinic we were originally going to use. She told me that they were originally referred to the one I am going to but decided to switch clinics because they thought that RE was a dick. Fucking perfect! Just what I wanted to hear! Damn it, damn it, damn it! We actually thought he seemed really nice and my Ob thinks he's a great guy as well. Everybody's got there own opinions I guess, but hearing that today did not help.

I am sure everything will be fine and I am just overreacting, but what if its not. Why do I feel like I wish I would've never done the pumping now? Would that mean that once again I made a stupid decision when it comes to us trying to have a baby?

On a better note, I still think Jessica is amazing. I just hope that no matter what happens she will still want to work with us.

We technically are still moving forward. Hopefully I will have good news to share soon.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

A Whole Lot Of Venting Going On Here

 A friend sent me a link to this blog called Blog A La Cart. I clicked on the link and saw this quote:

"Anyone can slay a dragon, he told me, but try waking up every morning and loving the world all over again. That's what takes a real hero."

I love it and I need to remember it always.

But for now I need to get a lot off my chest. Are you ready for the longest rant ever?

I am frustrated and I am angry. That is nothing new I suppose. Am I frustrated because I am always angry or maybe its that I'm always so angry because everything seems to frustrate me. Either way, I wish I could get get rid of it. Stop it somehow. It's always something lately and I feel like I'm getting that "I'm going crazy" feeling back.

The holidays definitely aren't helping. I hate the fact that once again I don't have my baby here. I'm not even pregnant. At least when I was pregnant I had hope that the next year would be different.

I did the Halloween thing. I didn't really want to, but a friend dragged me out. It turned out to be pretty fun, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about Evelynn all night and how she would have looked so adorable in her owl outfit we had for her. It really is the cutest thing ever.

As far as holiday gatherings go, well, Thanksgiving Dereck and I spent together. Just the two of us, and I am glad it was that way. We spent our afternoon cooking together. It wasn't your average thanksgiving dinner though. We made some amazing filet mignon and then some random side dishes that I wouldn't call amazing, but it was fun cooking things I normally wouldn't make. We thought about Evelynn. It would have been her first Thanksgiving and it also marked 7 months since she was born. My perfect little girl. I love you baby girl:)

At the beginning of November my work was already discussing our Christmas party. I had already decided months ago I wasn't participating in anything Christmas related. When I heard the details about our work one, I pretty much through a tantrum. My babies should be here. I should be adding there names and what they want to the gift list. Actually I shouldn't have even been invited because I should've been able to quit months ago because I should be at home with my daughter. Whatever. I am over it now. I am pretty certain Dereck and I are going to go now. Will I make it through dinner while everyone sits and talks about how cute my coworkers baby is? I guess we will see.

A couple of our friends are having there yearly Christmas parties as well, both of which I will not be attending. First because I want to be an unsociable grump and second because I refuse to watch all my friends ooo and aaah over a friends baby. At the one party last year this friend and I announced our pregnancies together to our friends that didn't already know. I just can't go. I can't do it.

Call me a grinch. I don't care. I am not happy. I want to be, and sometimes I try really hard to be. I try to be optimistic, to look on the bright side, to have some hope for the coming year, but I can only fake it for so long before I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. In the last couple of weeks I have learned about 3 new pregnancies, Derecks sister just had her baby last week, another friend just had her baby at the beginning of the month, and my sister is due in less than a week. I just want to run away.

I don't even no what to do about any of this. I am really happy that my one friend is pregnant. When I was pregnant with Evelynn I talked to her a lot about seeing an ob about some issues she was having because it was sounding similar to the issues I had. I am sad for me and I am sorry but I don't want to hear about your pregnancy at all:(

My other friend, if you want to call her that I guess, who had her baby at the beginning of the month, well she hasn't spoke to me since Evelynn's funeral. I got a text sometime after saying she pregnant. A text. No call. No ever checking in to see how I'm doing. I didn't even realize her baby was born until a friend pointed it out on Facebook.

Then there's Derecks sister. Yes, I'm happy for her, but sucks so much also. This probably sounds, I don't even know the word for it, rude maybe, but we planned on staying at her house when we did our fertility stuff because they live so close to the clinic. I hate to pay for a hotel when we have family that lives right there, but I can't be in a house for a couple weeks with a newborn baby. And I don't think the RE is going to approve of me consistently popping Xanax before my egg retrieval.

Now what to do about my sister. My sister hasn't talked to me since just after Evelynn's burial. It was very briefly when her and her husband and kids actually stopped by and saw Liam and Evelynn's graves. I guess I should be happy at least someone from my side of the family has finally saw where my babies are buried. But seriously no "how are you holding up" or "what's going on with the gestational carrier stuff". Nothing. I know I could be the bigger person and call first, but I don't. In all honesty I am just tired of my family as a whole. I don't even call my parents anymore. My mom calls maybe once a week. I see the call and have to force myself to answer it. I feel like I have nothing to say. They ask how I am doing. Which I don't quite understand why since when I tell them the honest truth about being sad I get ignored or told to be happy for once. If I mention anything related to my babies somehow the subject is always changed almost instantly. She tells me what's going on with them and talks about my nephews and now talks about my sister and how the baby will be here any day, because you know how much I want to hear about how the baby dropped 2cm at the last appt. I can't wait to hear the news when the baby is born so that they can all rub it in my face and not think twice about how it makes me feel. Ugh! To add to all of this, they no little to nothing about what's going on with the gestational carrier stuff. No one asks and I don't really tell, but I think its a good thing. When we go back to Minnesota for our egg retrieval I am considering not even telling them I am back in the state. The last thing I need before my egg retrieval is more stress.

Yup I am still going. I must sound like the most pathetic whiner ever!!!!

I am so frustrated with my fertility clinic right now. We have been talking to them about doing this since May and it seems like nothing is getting accomplished. I am to the point I am regretting using this clinic. I hated the fact that we had to wait at least 6 months to do a transfer, which is actually turning into 9 months, but when I found out that I could get some of the stuff done up her at my clinic in Alaska versus flying back to MN I thought they'd be perfect. That saves a lot of money in plane tickets. The other clinic, the one we were originally going to use, we wouldn't have even had to wait 6 months. Hell, there is a chance our carrier could even already be pregnant if we went with them. I feel like I made another bad decision. I hope it all works out though because I would hate to have to start over with a new clinic, but I feel like everything seems so unorganized there. I am seriously getting scared that we won't even make the January cycle anymore. GRRRR!

I am still trying to force myself to get out on a few runs each week with a friend and I've even gone to the gym a few times with her. I wish I could be doing more but my energy levels are ridiculously low. Although I will say after Dereck left for work this past week I went on 3 day cleaning spree in my house and it looks awesome. I finally have our dining room cleared out from all the crap we threw in it from the bedrooms from the water damage we had in them. I even got the nursery put back together. I sure do love that nursery. Anyways back to what I was saying about for the most part having very little energy or drive to do anything. I had another appt. with my Psychiatrist and talked to her about this. I think this is almost making me more frustrated, but she added another medication for me to take to help give me a little boost. I am trying to be good and listen to my doctors and believe they are doing whats best for me. A boost would be great. Feeling good feels great. What I don't like to hear is that if I were going to be the one who was pregnant she wouldn't prescribe me it because it isn't safe in pregnancy, but I should be fine since its just my eggs. I was worried about the Zoloft affecting my eggs and am told it is for the most part safe in pregnancy. I always tried to avoid being on meds and now the list keeps growing. I asked my Ob her thoughts and she thinks I need to take them and still says my mental state is going to have more of an effect on my eggs than the meds. So I just give in and do what I am told.

And lastly I am angry for my dear friend Claudia who had to say goodbye for now to another one of her beautiful babies. I am so sorry my friend.

Okay I am done now. I swear the next post will be better because it's going to be about the fundraiser. And it was awesome!

Oh and I will share my one bit of happy news for the day. I finally got my period! Are you all as excited as I am.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Baby Via Gestational Carrier Journey Update 4

It's been awhile since my last update, but not much has happened other than a lot of waiting.

Next on the list of things to get done was for me to get my u/s to get my ovaries accessed for the egg retrieval. My RE's office wanted me to schedule the u/s on cycle days 1-3. I stopped taking the birth control I was on while I was pumping and waited and waited and waited some more for my period to come. I should've know better than to think this step would have been an easy one to check off the list, afterall, one of my biggest issues with getting pregnant was that I never got my period and never ovulated without the help of medication.

After waiting for a couple of weeks and still no period, my RE's office put me on Provera for 10 days to force my body to get a period. The Provera has worked in the past, but not this time. On October 4th my RE's office said to just go ahead and get the u/s even though I never got a period. I was told that my lining is probably just really thin because of the Mocronor birth control I was on while pumping. That same day I also got my infectious disease panel done and put on the birth control that will be used for getting my cycle matched up with our carriers.

So I don't know why things just can't be easy but somehow there was an issue with my clinic up here getting the images to my RE's office. I was trying to be calm about it, but it was driving me crazy and we couldn't move forward until my RE saw those u/s images. Finally almost a month and a half after I got the u/s my RE was able to see those images. I was starting to freak out and was pretty certain that we were never going to make the January cycle because nothing works out for us. Like I said though, after waiting for what seemed like years, I got the call yesterday that everything looked good and we can keep moving forward.

Next on the list is for me and Dereck and Jessica and her husband to get appts with the social worker. Jessica still needs to get her infectious disease panel done and then Dereck is supposed to get another one done in December. We also have to get our contract wrapped up by the end of the year.

I have spoken with my lawyer and he wrote up a contract for us. I reviewed it, made some changes, and now it is with Jessica and her lawyer. So many parts of it seem unnecessary, but I get why they have them in there. I guess it could happen where the intended parents(Dereck and I) decide they don't want to pay the carrier's medical bills or they don't even want the baby in the end because of some sort of medical issue. Which is totally F'd up, but I guess its happened.
That's all for now. At least we are still moving forward and hopefully I will have a date for the egg retrieval soon.


Monday, October 29, 2012

6 Months and Catching Up on This Past Month

I have sat down to write so many times and I am never able to finish a post. I just don't know what my deal is. My blog just doesn't bring me the comfort it once did. Talking to friends, family, and counselors doesn't either though. I don't know why it is so hard for me to express my feelings these days either, but it is. I just can't find the words. I guess I just don't have anything to say that I haven't said a thousand times before. I am angry and I am sad. I want my children here. I want answers. I don't understand. But it is my goal to get everything that's been going on and in my mind out. So hopefully in the next few days there will be many posts from me. And I swear there will be a gestational carrier update soon.

I have been on the Zoloft for almost 8 weeks now and have met with my Psychiatrist twice since I started taking it. At the four week appt. I explained to her about all of the changes I had noticed so far. In those four weeks I had really mellowed out in terms of anxiety, which I feel really helped me in being able to focus on the fundraiser stuff. Fundraiser stuff just also really helped keep my mind occupied. Another big change that happened was with my appetite, like I didn't have one at all. I went days where I had to pretty much force myself to eat something. This lead to me losing quite a bit of weight, like down to about five pounds lighter than prepregnancy. Now don't get wrong, fitting into my old jeans that I haven't been able to wear in a couple of years is awesome, but the way I lost the weight, not so healthy. And I really want to get myself back to as healthy as possible before the egg retrieval.

I also talked to her about this inability of mine to be able to express my emotions and how I feel it is affecting the grieving of my daughter. I rarely ever cry and I still can't hardly look at her pictures. I don't really sit and blame myself anymore for what happened to her, but I also seem to have little interest in anything relating to her. I can tell you I love her. I love her so incredibly much, but my mind just wants to forget the nightmare. I think back on those first 6 months after Liam passed away. I cried nonstop. I loved looking at his pictures. I wanted to talk about him all the time. This blog gave me a place to express all my thoughts and to work through everything I was feeling. This blog also helped me to connect with so many others "who got it", when I felt so alone. I became obsessed with all things blm. Everything is just so different now. I know they are different babies and so I am going to grieve them differently and what brought me comfort last time may not be what helps comfort me this time. I also know that Liam was the first real big loss I had experienced so everything I felt was so new, so raw, so painful. My psychiatrist says that there is no doubt that I love my daughter and that she can see that I am grieving her just as hard as I did Liam, but since I have been through this before I am, in a way, a little desensitized to it all. I guess that makes sense, but I still can't help feeling like my daughter deserves more from me.

I have talked about how grief group doesn't seem to help me much anymore and so I haven't really been going. I went once by myself toward the end of September and there were all these new people there, which is totally sad in itself, but since there were all these new people with new stories of loss I just felt like I couldn't share anything.
The next group meeting was at the beginning of October. I didn't feel like going but Dereck thought it would be good to go since he was in town to actually make one. When we got there Dereck went to use the bathroom and I went ahead into the group meeting room. There were only two other people in there. One of the girls in the room just so happened to be a blm who lost her son exactly one month after I lost Liam. She came to group for about 6 months and then stopped coming, but her and I kept in contact this past year. She got pregnant with her rainbow a couple months after I got pregnant with Evelynn. Well, she gave birth to her little boy a little over a month ago. Yes, I am happy for her that her baby lived, but as soon as I saw her I could feel the sadness start to creep in. Then the other lady who was there, who I have also known from group since I first started going, had to start asking questions about her baby, and I lost it. I had to get up and walk out. I saw Dereck just as he was walking out of the bathroom and told him that we needed to leave. We saw our grief group coordinator just before she went into the room and told her through my tears that I just couldn't handle seeing that girl and that we were leaving. I felt horrible leaving because I knew that girl would know why I left.

I was always so worried talking about my pregnancy with Evelynn at group because I was afraid of how it would make others feel, but everyone was always so supportive of me. They wanted to see me bring home a healthy living baby and even wanted me to come to group after she was born if I needed to. So, in a way, I feel like an ass, but I can't help but feel angry. My baby is supposed to be here too. She sent me a message the next day telling me she too felt horrible that me seeing her upset me so much. She has every right to be at group, and now she feels horrible because she upset me by coming. We have since messaged each other back and forth about this, but I just wish this could be easier and that things didn't have to be like this.

The next day at work I was in an extra angry mood. I felt like I wanted to destroy something. I decided to get out of town and spend the weekend with a couple friends at there cabin. I actually had a pretty fun weekend and calmed down a lot. I kind of calmed down to the point though that I think it turned into plain old depression. That whole next week I didn't want to get out of bed. I just had no interest in doing really much of anything. I just wanted to sleep, and 12+ hours didn't seem like enough. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to be sociable with anyone. I just wanted to be alone and pout.

This past Monday then I once again ventured into the land of what should be happy times marking the day my daughter turns another month older, this month being the big ole six months:( So many of my blm friends sent me messages letting me know they were thinking of me and Evelynn. That definintely brightened those days a little. I hadn't had any dreams of Evelynn in a really long time and the ones I had in the past were bad dreams. The night of the 22nd Evelynn visited me. It might have only been a dream but it was great being able to spend some time with her.

My sweet Evelynn, I love you baby girl.

On the 23rd I had a 7 week follow up appt. with my Psychiatrist. I told her about how down I have felt lately and how the holidays being just around the corner is already stressing me out. I still have had little desire to want to talk anyone or do much of anything. I have forced myself to at least start jogging again, with a friend of course, because I have little motivation to anything exercise related alone. My appetite has also came back so the exercise is much needed since I am a major emotional eater. My psychiatrist decided that my dose of Zoloft might have affected me a lot at the bgininning but overall it was a pretty small dose and it seemed to her that I kind of plateaud with it. She decided that since I have been so down lately that my dose should be doubled. So now I am taking double what I was. So far I haven't noticed a change.

I just really need to get out of this unsociable, uncaring about much of anyone or anything state. I am sure my friends are probably getting a little tired of my negative attitude as well. I am jealous of the people who's blogs I read that have had similar losses that seem to be able to find some happiness despite everything. I am just stuck. Ugh!

"The tragedy of life is not death...but what we let die inside of us while we live."

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Remembering the Light

Monday October 8 was the Remembering the Light Ceremony. Dereck, our friends Brooke and Liz, and I made lanterns for Liam and Evelynn. These two friends both made lanterns last year for Liam and now this year wanted to make ones for Liam and Evelynn. I just love that they love and miss my babies so much. Last year during this event I was also pregnant with Evelynn. I just can't believe that this year Evelynn needed a lantern also.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day 2012

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. It is also the Wave of Light. Tonight at 7pm I will be participating in it by lighting a candle for Liam and Evelynn as I remember them and all the other babies who left too soon.

"If you know someone who has lost a child and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift." -Elizabeth Edwards


Saturday, September 22, 2012

5 Months and Some Pop Art of My Babies


Last year at this time I had just found out I was pregnant with you. I just still can't believe this is how things are a year later. I still don't even know how I truly feel about everything that has happened. I wish I even had more to say, but I feel like don't. I wish I could write you the most perfect letter about my love for you, but the words just aren't there. They are still taken over but this anger that still makes it so hard for me to even look at your beautiful pictures; to remember you the way you deserve.  5 months baby girl. 5 months since I first met you. I so wish you could be here. I sure do miss you.
Love always, Mom

Shaylen, who does custom pop art and sells them on her etsy site, sent me an email last week saying that she made these for me. It was such a sweet surprise and gift to get. I can't wait to get them printed and framed.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Fundraiser Progress, Counseling, and PostSecret

I really can't believe September is already more than half over! Thank you time gods for not making every day feel like its going by at a snails pace.

On the fundraiser front I finally have a flyer! What do you all think? I love it! A good friend of mine made it. Of course the pink is for Evelynn and the green for Liam. I also finally was able to sit down long enough to write a donation request letter for businesses. That took me forever to do. I mentioned in the last post in August about how my anxiety would get completely out of control from the point I would just sit at the computer thinking about writing it. Somehow I forced myself to just do it though.  It feels great to finally have it accomplished. To just have something accomplished. We have mailed some letters out but today is day one of actually going out to places. Not sure if it is good to have me along or not getting donations. It seems weird for me to ask for donations to my own fundraiser, but I also don't expect friends to do it all. No one knows our story quite like me. I can answer most questions asked about the fundraiser, so I feel it could be important for me to be along soliciting for donations. Although, depending on the question asked, I may just start crying on them. Maybe that would be a good thing though. Guess we will see how it goes.

I was able to get in to see a psychiatrist a couple weeks ago. I actually saw this psychiatrist last summer at one point just to hear what she had to say. I never went forward with getting on any medication for my anxiety at that time because I was so afraid of the effects it could have on my baby when I got pregnant. Plus, I just feel it is important to work through things without the help of meds if at all possible. As I mentioned in that last August post my anxiety was getting really out of control and I needed to do something. That lady had got me in right away to see her. I guess my old counselor, who I don't see anymore, had told her what happened with Evelynn. I talked to her all about my concerns since I am going to be doing IVF stuff and worried about being on any medications at all. I may only be contributing some eggs to this, because I am obviously not carrying the baby, but I want to make sure that those are the best damn eggs I can possibly have. I guess there is always a very, very, very small chance the Zoloft she placed me on could have an effect, but I am trying not to think about that. Less anxiety, stress, and worry has got to be better on producing good eggs, and just better for my body overall.
So it has now been a little over two weeks since I started taking the Zoloft. I have definitely had a few side effects; having a hard time falling asleep at night, nausea, and no appetite. Nothing really bad, but have noticed some changes. I am not sure if it is taking any kind of mental effect on me or not yet. It might be. Who knows with grief though. No matter what it is I have definitely been more relaxed and able to handle some stressers that have recently came up a whole lot better than I did in the past. Part of me feels almost underwhelmed though, which isn't really a good thing either. I don't want to lose my ability to feel anything. Geez, the more I think about it, it almost seems like I have mentally done a complete 180 from that last post in August. I guess I'll just have to give it a few more weeks and see how I feel then.

I am having some issues with counseling also. I have mentioned that I have been doing some of that EMDR work and just don't think its helping. It's like I get to counseling and my brain becomes a huge fog cloud. I can't think or concentrate on anything she wants me to do, or I just start crying and we can't continue what we are working on. At my last session she asked me if anything she is doing with me is helping. It sucks because I feel it isn't and I really thought trying a different form of counseling, the EMDR work, would be a good thing. She even brought up to me that maybe another counselor would be a better fit.
Maybe I just need a break from counseling again. If its not helping, its not helping. I hate to pay for it if I am not getting anything out of it. Honestly, I don't even know what I am expecting to get out of seeing a counselor anymore. I feel like the only thing I have ever really wanted are answers, but that is the one thing I'll never get. I might just start seeing the lady who runs our grief group if I need to talk to someone. I feel like I can be pretty open with her about how I am doing and she says I can call anytime or even make regular appt's if necessary.

I went to a Post Secret event last night. I first heard about PostSecret around a year ago when another fellow blm posted one of the postcards on her blog. I think everyone should start following this blog. The creator, Frank Warren, came to Anchorage yesterday. I even got my book signed. It was interesting listening to him share some of the stories he has heard through the years since he started the project and how so many people have said that it has changed there lives. I can see that. So many of the postcards I can relate to. Especially the ones that revolve around babies.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

My Garden- In Memory of Liam and Evelynn

Working on this garden is what helped me get through July. The garden consists of mostly pinks and yellows. The yellows for Liam and the pinks for Evelynn. I love daisies so I had to plant some Shasta Daisies for them as well.

I can't wait to add these to the garden next summer!
One day I hope we will be able to add a few more rocks, with the names of our take home babies on them, to the garden.
One of the Astilbes
Two more Astilbes and some ferns
Evelynn's Pink Beauty Potentilla and Liam's yellow Potentilla.
My fence line full of Shasta Daisies
Two Bleeding Hearts. Hopefully they will look amazing next spring.
Liam's bucket's. I just love them!
My beautiful Mother's Day bench from my amazing Alaskan family.
I love this bench!
My ambition to make this garden, that is far from finished, I believe came solely from my desire to have a place in my backyard to remember my babies. The reason I chose to make it go along the fence line is my hope that one day I will have kids that can play in the backyard. They will be surrounded by the flowers I planted for their big brother and sister in heaven.

This was my first attempt at a perennial garden. I really hope they come back next year. Next summer I plan to plant more flowers for my babies down the right side of the fence line, add lots of Forget-me-nots, and hopefully have a tree planted in that empty left corner.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Grief + Anxiety =

Me being a huge fricken mess!

I wish I could say that I am still on the "up" side of things since the great news from Jessica, but unfortunately that was short lived, and I am back to my previous state. Maybe even worse, definitely worse.

I thought June was horrible, but in terms of sucking, August is winning. I hate this month and I want it over. But is September just magically going to be any better?

After I got the news from Jessica I felt that that was the news I needed to get me working on my fundraiser. I have been having an incredibly hard time working on it and have little to nothing accomplished so far. Thank god it got moved to November because it would not have been ready by October, not even close. Novemeber is starting to seem too soon even. A friend helped me work on it on Monday night. I got a little anxious, but overall was feeling good about our game plan.

Wednesday night I decided I was going to try and work on a few of the pages for the binder I am putting together for it. This binder will include info about Liam, Evelynn, Dereck and I, where we are going from here, and the costs for using a carrier. From the point I sat down at the computer the anxiety set in. It was like I went from calm to major panic attack in minutes. I couldn't sit still and I couldn't write anything. I got to the point that I decided to take a half of one of my Xanax. If you know me at all you know that I have had this Xanax since my Dr. prescribed it to me after I lost Evelynn. I only used it a few times to sleep that first week after she passed away, but not since then.

Half a pill seemed to do nothing, so I took the other half. That not only took my anxiety away it made me so tired that I slept for approximately the next 14 hours. I woke up yesterday thinking after all that sleep maybe I could try and tackle the fundraiser stuff again. Like Wednesday the anxiety hit me instantly. I got in such a panic state. I couldn't think. All I wanted to do was pace-something I often do when I am really stressed. My heart was racing and I couldn't stop crying, I wanted to just scream at myself to just calm the F down, but I couldn't. I decided to go ahead and take a half a Xanax again. The half did nothing again, so I took the other half. Like yesterday, I got so tired from it, I fell asleep. I only slept a short time but when I awoke I was incredibly depressed feeling. So now nothing has gotten accomplished.

Dereck left for work today. He has only been gone 2 weeks for work, which was in June, since the beginning of April. Now he will be back to working his normal 3 week shifts. Normally 3 weeks isn't too bad. The alone time, to an extent, can be really nice. Yesterday we got into an argument and haven't really spoke since.

I know that everyone grieves differently and I shouldn't try to compare myself to others, but I am seriously losing it! I am losing it to the point I feel like I am scared to tell people how I truly feel for fear I will be emitted. Although maybe that would be good thing. How do others do it that have had multiple traumatic or later term/newborn losses? I feel I have come to that point that maybe I am not strong enough to get through this on my own that maybe I do need more help. I know I can't just keep popping the Xanax and sleep my worries away.

I have mentioned before that grief group doesn't help anymore. Too jealous. Too angry. I haven't gone to that now for almost 2 months. But I also don't feel like I fit into the uterine rupture group I joined a few months ago anymore neither. At first I thought it was helpful to talk with others who have had ruptures, especially the ones who have went onto have successful pregnancies after or have used gestational carriers. Lately I have felt it is doing more harm than good for me. I find myelf getting jealous even at many of them. I know we have all had ruptures, some even hysterectomies, but so many of them have had at least one living child already or there baby survived. And almost everytime I post something about how down I am feeling I get responses about how its only been 4 months and everything is still so new, blah, blah, blah. Call me a bitch for feeling this way but it may only be 4 months since Evelynn died, but I am also still grieving her brother.

I just want my pain to go away. Sometimes I just wish I never new Evelynn, that she never existed. Most days I still can't even look at her pictures. I love her, I miss her, but I wish this whole nightmare never happened.

On my lunch break today at work I decided it was time to finally do it. I called my counselor and told her that maybe I need to get on some form of anti- depressent/anxiety medication. I hate to be on anything. I know they really help some people but I have always had this "mind over matter" attitude feeling that I could get through this without taking anything. I am clearly depressed and the anxiety that I felt these last 2 days was like nothing I have ever felt before. I'll admit it. There are far too many days lately that I find myself saying I hate myself and that I hate life. I am depressed. I need help. My counselor is going to meet with me tomorrow, go over some referrals with me, and try to get me in with a psyhiatrist as soon as possible.

On top of being depressed, angry, and anxious, I am so incredibly scared. In the next month or so here I need to do my counseling session for our gestational carrier stuff. I am so worried they are going deny me and Dereck. On one hand they might see that I am trying. They will see that I am doing lots of counseling and have even gave medication a try to help me be in the best state of mind possible. On the other hand they might say that despite everything I am doing that I am to mentally unstable to proceed, that my recent loss is still too fresh, and they prefer we wait even longer before we go ahead with all this.

In other news:
One year ago on August 26th Evelynn was conceived. I remember it oh so well and so does one of my good friends. I was suppose to go to her wedding that weekend, but it just so happened that ovulation day was not only on her wedding day, but the 26th was also when Dereck had to leave to go back to work. I had really wanted to go to her wedding but figured if I ended up pregnant, it would be worth missing it. On my friends one year anniversary it was just another painful reminder of what should be right now.

That same day I helped a friend with a fundraiser of hers. This friend I met through my loss group. She started a charity after her son died to help mothers  get breastpumps who otherwise couldn't afford one. I think it is a great thing she is doing. Through her help and the Nursing Boutique I was able to get a few of the supplies I needed to help me with donating Evelynn's milk while we were traveling. Anyway, she did a fun run to raise money and it was a huge success. It was hard seeing so many babies-especially the girls, boys that would be Liam's age, the chariots, and ergo baby carriers, but I made it through it. Since donating Evelynn's breastmilk I have learned so much about the importance of it. I have become such a huge advocate and glad I could help such a great cause.

The rash that I had, which is for the most part gone now, I am told is Polymorphic light eruption-PMLE. Apparently I have developed an allergy to the sun. Part of me wants to get a second opinion. The other part of me says just where the extra sun protection like I am told to do and hope the rash never comes back. If the rash does ever come back, then get it checked out by another provider. Plus, I am told if it comes back or if I a plan to go somewhere sunny I need to take this super potent steroid. I don't think so! I'm sorry buddy but I am in the process of wanting to do an IVF procedure here in the next couple of months and then if my carrier gets pregnant start pumping again for that baby. Steroids are out of the question. Plus, I am still annoyed that they screwed with my donating of Evelynn's milk. The steroid I was put on, I only took for one week, but apparently it was so strong that I can't donate again for a couple months. I still have been pumping twice daily but throw it all away. I still just can't let it go completely.

I might have to make this my new motto!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Baby Via Gestational Carrier Journey Update 3

On Thursday, August 23, 2012 Jessica met with our RE. She called me immediately after the appt. and said that everything went GREAT! She said that our RE was surprised by how much she already new about the process. After the consult, and Jessica agreed that she did indeed want to move forward with this, she got an HSG. That also went great!

I practically started bawling on the phone with joy hearing her tell me how well it went. It really was the news I needed.

Now the fun stuff can begin, right?

I called our lawyer immediately after I talked to her and told him that she was cleared and that we can get started with the contract end of this. I have never had a need to hire a lawyer before. Yesterday I paid our retainer fee. Today I faxed our paperwork saying that we do in fact want that lawyer to prepare our gestational carrier agreement and also prepare our legal documents to get our names as the parents of the child(ren) on the birth certificate.

On Sunday night, the 26th, we skyped with Jessica and her husband. It was the first time we have seen them since we met back in May. I am eager to get our contract wrote up. I already had a whole list of questions for them pertaining to what should go in the contract, as it is important to make sure we have the same values going into this. Once I get the basic contract from the lawyer we plan to go back and forth via email adding in or crossing out anything that might or might not be of some concern. We talked about a few of these things when we first met with them and so far we still tend to agree on some of the bigger issues like number of embryos transferred, views on selective reduction, and how to cover loss of wages if she can't work. So far so good!

This afternoon I got a call from our RE clinic nurse coordinator. She told me the next step is to make sure that there is good access to my ovaries for the egg retrieval. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks I can get in with my Ob and get the u/s needed to verify that. At that same appt. I will most likely be getting my infectious disease testing as well. Infectious disease testing is next on the list for Jessica as well. Then we can both do our counseling sessions.

Still quite a few months until transfer time, but at least we are still moving forward with this process.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Walk to Remember

Last Saturday on August 18, 2012 Dereck and I went to the Walk to Remember. We went last year and now again this year. This year should've been so different, as with everything that should be, but isn't. I wish my daughter could've been there, walking with me, and crying with me as we remember Liam. This year we wrote messages on balloons for both our babies. Last year was hard, and this year even harder. I still find myself struggling to not be jealous of others, who are obviously there because they also have experienced child loss, but just hate that many of them all have at least one child with them, whereas I still don't. I started crying from the point we showed up at the hospital. I was crying so much that I could barely write on my balloons because they were getting so wet with tears. I cried while writing a message in the book to be read to our loved babies. Bawled my eyes out as the messages were read and as we released our balloons. I love you my babies.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

4 Months

Last night I woke abruptly around 5am after having a bad dream. The dream started out with me running through the hospital. Although I didn't look it, I was pregnant. As I was running I was questioning if my baby was still alive. I didn't have much of a belly but could feel this small ball like spot that stuck out that I assumed was my baby. As I was running around I would glance down and see more and more little blood stains appearing on my pants and new I needed help fast. There were so many people there and I couldn't seem to figure out where to go for help. Finally it occurred to me that I needed to go to Ob Triage. I found it and went straight up to the front desk, butting in front of a few people, and started telling the guy behind the counter that I needed to get seen immediately. I said that my uterus was rupturing and I needed a Dr. to deliver my baby right now. The guy told me to settle down, stop yelling, and that someone would be with me shortly. I was getting so angry and said that I was going to call my Ob be directly then because my baby was going to die if they didn't help me. Then I woke up.

I had a huge talk with my counselor yesterday about "this month". I write about this a lot, but since the first the what-ifs and anger toward myself are only getting stronger. It is consuming me more and more. My counselor keeps trying different types of trauma work with me and usually we never get far. She tried another new exercise with me at my appt yesterday. I told her about all these angry feelings building up within me. Again we had to stop doing it within minutes of starting. That's seems to be how every exercise goes as I usually start bawling right away. She obviously wants me to stop playing the what-ifs game and stop blaming myself. I say that I wish the what-ifs would quit as well. The truth is though, that I don't think they are going to stop nor are the exercises going to truly help. At least not until I can deep down honestly stop blaming myself for my daughters death. I don't know if I ever will though.

It is 4 months today since my daughter was born and I still can't look at her pictures and not have some form of angry feelings come up. I think she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, but even that makes me angry. I look at those pictures and that weekend starts playing over and over in my head. Lately I have even been getting flashbacks of being in the hospital. I see her in her little NICU bed, her little arms are moving back and forth but she can't control them because she is having a seizure. I think about all the pain she must be in and wish that me as her mom could hold her, give her a hug and kiss, and tell her it'll be okay, and doing so would make everything better. How this is happening to my baby? Why are these the only memories I have of my time with my daughter?

I feel so traumatized by this all.

I never thought I would say that I hate life this much.....
but I do.

I know I need to get help before this really gets out of control, but I don't know what to do all at the same time. I feel like the only thing that will make this better is having my daughter here, but I know that's not exactly an option.

Tomorrow is Jessica's appt. with our RE. She could get cleared. Hopefully she'll get cleared. If she don't though, I don't how I will handle the news.

My love. My little beauty. My baby girl. I miss you more than words could say. I cry a million tears for you almost daily.
I love you, Mom

Thursday, August 16, 2012

I Just "Feel It"

After Liam died and through my whole pregnancy with Evelynn all anyone could say is how next time things will work out, it was a fluke, stop worrying, and that this can't happen to you twice.  Of course I wanted things to work out with Evelynn, but you know what happened about the time I stopped being paranoid? I ignored abdominal pain thinking it was no big deal and that I have nothing to worry about and then my uterus ruptured and my daughter died.

It's coming up to 4 months since Evelynn was born and died and almost daily I still struggle to get through my day. I am constantly trying to fight back the thoughts that creep in that tell me that it is all my fault my daughter is dead. That I did nothing to protect her. That she is dead because of me. I am a horrible mom.

I have been crying so much lately again, even now as I write this. August is not going well for me at all. I want these thoughts to go away and to leave me alone. I love my daughter and I miss her dearly but these "you killed your daughter" thoughts make me hate myself so much and I fear they will never go away. I get these thoughts and then instead of looking at my daughters pictures with love I look at them with anger because all I picture is how it is because of me that my beautiful baby girl is dead. And then I get angry. That weekend of when I first felt the pain through the time she was born plays in my head over and over again. I want a do over so badly. I want to go to the Dr. and get checked out and fight for my daughter and tell those Dr.'s that something doesn't feel right and that I am at risk for a rupture. I want her to be born and get to come home with me.

I have been telling people here and there that have asked me about pregnancy related stuff that we are planning to use a gestational carrier next time in hopes of bringing home a living baby. Well what do you think is the first response that I get from most of these people? If you guessed "I can just feel it that everything will work out" you guessed right. Of course that is what I want to have happen, but she is not even pregnant yet and there are like a zillion steps to take before we can even get to that point. I want people to STOP saying this to me please and I want everyone else to not even thinking of STARTING to say this to me. Also please do not get all religious on me saying that you will pray that it will work out because God doesn't answer wishes nor does he make miracles. It doesn't work that way nor can I handle hearing this anymore.

I want a living baby so bad and I want things to work out with our carrier. I know that what has happened to me sucks, try living it, but can't people just say that they HOPE it all works out next time but if it doesn't they will be here to SUPPORT me. I don't know why people feel the need to say that stuff to me. Is it because it makes them feel better because they can't handle the thought of something bad happening? Or is it because in all reality the odds should have been more in my favor of working out than not working out, so it seemed like the obvious thing to say? Supporting me would be more beneficial, especially right now when I am at one of the lowest points in my life. Now that would be more beneficial in helping me get through this dark time and even through another pregnancy via our carrier than "I can feel it" because you know what, unless you got some kind of superhuman ability that knows this for sure-you got nothing. But if you do have some kind of superhuman ability to know the future then we need to talk because I am still considering finding a good medium or psychic.

So please, please, please no one, I ask of all of you, please do not post anything in my comments saying that you "know" or "feel" or that it's "gonna" work out. Please just offer support.

Last night I more less cried myself to sleep. Actually it was more of a cried on Derecks shoulder in bed for a good two hours. Then when I tried to fall asleep I had a difficult time because I was shaking so bad from all the crying and being so overtired. This morning I got up and the crying resumed.

Oh did I mention I am thoroughly annoyed at myself because I destroyed my IPhone last night. Yes, it is just a phone and I was able to borrow a used one from a friend until I can get a new one but I lost a lot of stuff I had wrote in my phone about Liam and Evelynn. When I think of stuff that relates to them I always type it into the notes section so I don't forget, and now its gone. So for now I am going to cry about it.

I did see one of my friends babies briefly today, it was my friends, my coworker that I have wrote about. She was the one who gave me the phone to use and when I went to get it her baby boy was sleeping in his car seat. I went over and I looked at him. He is about 2 months old now. I didn't ask to hold him or anything, but it was nice to see him in person.

I also learned today that a friend from grief group just had her baby yesterday. I am happy for her, really I am. Although at the same time I felt this anger seep in that makes me so angry because, yet again, I feel I was pregnant first both times, I lost my baby first, and I am supposed to have the living baby first. It's not a contest but I feel I am always in last place and will never catch up.

A friend sent this to me awhile back and think its a good time to post it.

"Have You Ever" - Author Unknown

Have you ever watched your child die?

Have you ever held her hand, feeling the life that grew within you slip away, breath by painful breath?

Have you ever kissed a cold gray cheek, knowing you will never kiss it again while helpless tears rolled down your own?

Have you ever left your child-the child you dreamed of, the child you love-knowing the next time you visit her, it will be at her grave?

Have you ever sat at your window at midnight waiting for sleep, waiting for any escape from a nightmare that won't go away, only to watch dawn bring nothing but reminders of what you will never have?

Have you ever watched the world forget the person you love the most saying "you'll have another one" or "move on" or "let go" as if she were a book or a pen, or a bad haircut that could be replaced or erased as if she didn't matter, as if she had never been?

Have you ever looked at your future knowing someone will always be missing? Have you ever looked at your past knowing some things can never be changed?  Have you ever looked at your present and felt nothing, saw nothing but guilt and anger and loss?

If you haven't - then don't tell me what to think. Don't tell me how to act.  Don't tell me how to feel.  Don't tell me to get over it... because I NEVER will.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Super Long Post Part 2: Everything Else That's Been Going On

.............and this is going to be long as well because that's how I roll these days.

Distraction Projects
I haven't done much for distraction projects lately. Hell I can barely bring myself to even clean my house these days. Seriously, what happened to all that energy I had the last couple of months? I have been playing around a lot on Pinterest though. So many projects that I would love to make in memory of my babies and even more I want to make for my future babies and the house. I have a few projects that I want to start on but I think it would be good to get the house cleaned and organized before I add more clutter to the disaster I feel my house is presently in. I had decided to go to Jo-Ann Fabrics last week though, just to get a few things for one of the projects I really want to do. As I was walking around the store I started thinking about the last time I had went there, which was about a month before Evelynn was born. I had a whole basket full of scrapbooking stuff so that I could start working on her scrapbook. The lady behind the counter had asked me if I was making a scrapbook for a friend or relatives new baby. I had told her no and that I was making one for my baby who was going to be here in around a month. I remember the lady saying how she didn't even think I looked pregnant, but congrats! That thought played in my head over and over again. The tears started forming so I had to go check out quickly and before I hit the car I was bawling.

Baby Anxiety
Last Monday I went into work and heard that the Dr. I work for daughter was in town. She had her baby about a month before Evelynn was born. It was our Dr.'s birthday and we were going to have a potluck for him. I heard that his daughter and baby might be coming in. I like his daughter but there was no way I could be there if she came in. Last Wednesday morning was the day of the potluck and birthday and there I was at home bawling my eyes out and having an anxiety attack before work fearing that I was going to be stuck at work and have to see and hear about the baby. She never came in thankfully, but holy anxiety attack thinking about it.
That same day a friend of mine, whose baby was born a month and half or so after Evelynn was born, set up a birthday get together for another friend. She said her baby would have to be there though. I have wanted to meet up with this friend first before I was ever around a room full of people ooooing and awwwwwing over a baby in front of me. I considered trying to force myself to go since I am trying really hard to move forward and put myself out there even if it hurts. Then I read a comment for the event on how excited someone was to see the baby and I knew right then that there was no way I could go when my daughter should be here too. Tonight is the birthday party. I hate saying I hate being left out because surely I could go, but in all reality I couldn't handle it. So instead I am sitting here inside typing away and cursing at the world and the stupid sunshine.
I really hate how another year is going by where I still can't handle going to certain gatherings with friends or even coworkers for fear of a baby. It's such BS and makes me feel so left out.

Counseling and Wildflowers
My counselor has been working with me on doing some EMDR work to help me with the trauma side of things. This past week she had me envision a place that I really like, I guess to be like a safe place. I pictured this hike that I love called Lost Lake. There is an area there that I love that is filled with beautiful wild flowers. We didn't get very far with what she was trying to have me do though as I broke out bawling. Thinking about that place made me think of my babies. That poem that I read at Evelynn's funeral about Heaven that I fell in love with after Liam passed away talks about "your child running through wildflowers" and I like to imagine that area to be like in heaven with my babies running through it laughing and smiling. My counselor decided after that, that maybe I wasn't ready to do that kind of work yet.
On Saturday I went to Lost Lake hiking. The whole hike is beautiful but this one wildflower area I am in love with. I am not the best photographer, but come on, that is beautiful.

Give Forward Fundraiser
The Fundraiser through GiveForward that my friend had started a few months back ended last week. Thank you so much to everyone that donated to it or spread the word by putting the link on your blog. I am so happy that we were able to raise $6,500, bringing home $6,184.50 after the website took there cut. That's half the cost for the prepayment of the egg retrieval. Now if only I can get my butt in gear to work more on my silent auction chili feed fundraiser.

It has now been two works since my coworker who was out on pregnancy leave has been back. It really has been great to have her back, although I still wish I wasn't there. I love how she is not afraid to talk to me about my loss and also that she can mention her son around me as well. Although she has mentioned that she is worried she will say the wrong thing and make me feel bad. I am glad that she is mindful of it but love that she doesn't ignore me. I could talk all day about why I am angry at the world and miss my daughter and so on but I also understand that she does have a son now and she has the right to talk about him on occasion as well. I wish more people would realize that even though I am angry and sad that I am also lonely and when you ignore me it makes me feel like you don't care. Maybe some people don't care, maybe some people don't know what to say, and its true that there are some things that can be said that truly will make me more upset, but to not talk to me at all makes me feel like I am contagious or something. I hate having to be there when I know I should be with my babies but at least my work days have been a little more bearable with her around.

Today was the day that I had set up with my boss to go back to work after Evelynn was born, Mind you that I wasn't planning on going back but wanted this set up just in case. Fuck that I was right to have to set this up versus just quitting my job. I guess this date doesn't mean much since I have been back at work for a couple months already, just saw that I had it programmed in my phone, and it sucks.

What else...... Oh yesterday was one of those days. You the ones where you wake up and you can just tell it isn't going to be good. The crying came and went all day long. I also had a talk with Dereck about thinking that we need to find a very reputable medium and then get an appt. with them. Anyone know a good, reputable one? I searched Google for quite awhile in search of one. I wouldn't say I fully believe in psychics or people that say they can communicate with the dead but there's a part of me that thinks maybe, somehow or another, one could help me. I don't even really no what I would ask or what I would truly hope to get from meeting with one. Maybe just hearing one tell me that Liam and Evelynn are okay and that they love me is all I would need. Maybe I could get some kind of answers for the zillions of seemingly unanswerable questions that I have. Maybe I would need more.

So much more I could write about but I guess enough for now. I am surprised I got this much out since I really can't think straight most days anymore, So much going on in my head. I keep wondering how the days keep going by at the speed they are as I feel most days I am getting nothing accomplished and yet the day is over. I guess it doesn't matter physically how busy you are because when your mind is all over the place time somehow can go by just as fast, maybe even faster.
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