Grief + Anxiety =

Me being a huge fricken mess!

I wish I could say that I am still on the "up" side of things since the great news from Jessica, but unfortunately that was short lived, and I am back to my previous state. Maybe even worse, definitely worse.

I thought June was horrible, but in terms of sucking, August is winning. I hate this month and I want it over. But is September just magically going to be any better?

After I got the news from Jessica I felt that that was the news I needed to get me working on my fundraiser. I have been having an incredibly hard time working on it and have little to nothing accomplished so far. Thank god it got moved to November because it would not have been ready by October, not even close. Novemeber is starting to seem too soon even. A friend helped me work on it on Monday night. I got a little anxious, but overall was feeling good about our game plan.

Wednesday night I decided I was going to try and work on a few of the pages for the binder I am putting together for it. This binder will include info about Liam, Evelynn, Dereck and I, where we are going from here, and the costs for using a carrier. From the point I sat down at the computer the anxiety set in. It was like I went from calm to major panic attack in minutes. I couldn't sit still and I couldn't write anything. I got to the point that I decided to take a half of one of my Xanax. If you know me at all you know that I have had this Xanax since my Dr. prescribed it to me after I lost Evelynn. I only used it a few times to sleep that first week after she passed away, but not since then.

Half a pill seemed to do nothing, so I took the other half. That not only took my anxiety away it made me so tired that I slept for approximately the next 14 hours. I woke up yesterday thinking after all that sleep maybe I could try and tackle the fundraiser stuff again. Like Wednesday the anxiety hit me instantly. I got in such a panic state. I couldn't think. All I wanted to do was pace-something I often do when I am really stressed. My heart was racing and I couldn't stop crying, I wanted to just scream at myself to just calm the F down, but I couldn't. I decided to go ahead and take a half a Xanax again. The half did nothing again, so I took the other half. Like yesterday, I got so tired from it, I fell asleep. I only slept a short time but when I awoke I was incredibly depressed feeling. So now nothing has gotten accomplished.

Dereck left for work today. He has only been gone 2 weeks for work, which was in June, since the beginning of April. Now he will be back to working his normal 3 week shifts. Normally 3 weeks isn't too bad. The alone time, to an extent, can be really nice. Yesterday we got into an argument and haven't really spoke since.

I know that everyone grieves differently and I shouldn't try to compare myself to others, but I am seriously losing it! I am losing it to the point I feel like I am scared to tell people how I truly feel for fear I will be emitted. Although maybe that would be good thing. How do others do it that have had multiple traumatic or later term/newborn losses? I feel I have come to that point that maybe I am not strong enough to get through this on my own that maybe I do need more help. I know I can't just keep popping the Xanax and sleep my worries away.

I have mentioned before that grief group doesn't help anymore. Too jealous. Too angry. I haven't gone to that now for almost 2 months. But I also don't feel like I fit into the uterine rupture group I joined a few months ago anymore neither. At first I thought it was helpful to talk with others who have had ruptures, especially the ones who have went onto have successful pregnancies after or have used gestational carriers. Lately I have felt it is doing more harm than good for me. I find myelf getting jealous even at many of them. I know we have all had ruptures, some even hysterectomies, but so many of them have had at least one living child already or there baby survived. And almost everytime I post something about how down I am feeling I get responses about how its only been 4 months and everything is still so new, blah, blah, blah. Call me a bitch for feeling this way but it may only be 4 months since Evelynn died, but I am also still grieving her brother.

I just want my pain to go away. Sometimes I just wish I never new Evelynn, that she never existed. Most days I still can't even look at her pictures. I love her, I miss her, but I wish this whole nightmare never happened.

On my lunch break today at work I decided it was time to finally do it. I called my counselor and told her that maybe I need to get on some form of anti- depressent/anxiety medication. I hate to be on anything. I know they really help some people but I have always had this "mind over matter" attitude feeling that I could get through this without taking anything. I am clearly depressed and the anxiety that I felt these last 2 days was like nothing I have ever felt before. I'll admit it. There are far too many days lately that I find myself saying I hate myself and that I hate life. I am depressed. I need help. My counselor is going to meet with me tomorrow, go over some referrals with me, and try to get me in with a psyhiatrist as soon as possible.

On top of being depressed, angry, and anxious, I am so incredibly scared. In the next month or so here I need to do my counseling session for our gestational carrier stuff. I am so worried they are going deny me and Dereck. On one hand they might see that I am trying. They will see that I am doing lots of counseling and have even gave medication a try to help me be in the best state of mind possible. On the other hand they might say that despite everything I am doing that I am to mentally unstable to proceed, that my recent loss is still too fresh, and they prefer we wait even longer before we go ahead with all this.

In other news:
One year ago on August 26th Evelynn was conceived. I remember it oh so well and so does one of my good friends. I was suppose to go to her wedding that weekend, but it just so happened that ovulation day was not only on her wedding day, but the 26th was also when Dereck had to leave to go back to work. I had really wanted to go to her wedding but figured if I ended up pregnant, it would be worth missing it. On my friends one year anniversary it was just another painful reminder of what should be right now.

That same day I helped a friend with a fundraiser of hers. This friend I met through my loss group. She started a charity after her son died to help mothers  get breastpumps who otherwise couldn't afford one. I think it is a great thing she is doing. Through her help and the Nursing Boutique I was able to get a few of the supplies I needed to help me with donating Evelynn's milk while we were traveling. Anyway, she did a fun run to raise money and it was a huge success. It was hard seeing so many babies-especially the girls, boys that would be Liam's age, the chariots, and ergo baby carriers, but I made it through it. Since donating Evelynn's breastmilk I have learned so much about the importance of it. I have become such a huge advocate and glad I could help such a great cause.

The rash that I had, which is for the most part gone now, I am told is Polymorphic light eruption-PMLE. Apparently I have developed an allergy to the sun. Part of me wants to get a second opinion. The other part of me says just where the extra sun protection like I am told to do and hope the rash never comes back. If the rash does ever come back, then get it checked out by another provider. Plus, I am told if it comes back or if I a plan to go somewhere sunny I need to take this super potent steroid. I don't think so! I'm sorry buddy but I am in the process of wanting to do an IVF procedure here in the next couple of months and then if my carrier gets pregnant start pumping again for that baby. Steroids are out of the question. Plus, I am still annoyed that they screwed with my donating of Evelynn's milk. The steroid I was put on, I only took for one week, but apparently it was so strong that I can't donate again for a couple months. I still have been pumping twice daily but throw it all away. I still just can't let it go completely.


I might have to make this my new motto!



Baby Via Gestational Carrier Journey Update 3

On Thursday, August 23, 2012 Jessica met with our RE. She called me immediately after the appt. and said that everything went GREAT! She said that our RE was surprised by how much she already new about the process. After the consult, and Jessica agreed that she did indeed want to move forward with this, she got an HSG. That also went great!

I practically started bawling on the phone with joy hearing her tell me how well it went. It really was the news I needed.

Now the fun stuff can begin, right?

I called our lawyer immediately after I talked to her and told him that she was cleared and that we can get started with the contract end of this. I have never had a need to hire a lawyer before. Yesterday I paid our retainer fee. Today I faxed our paperwork saying that we do in fact want that lawyer to prepare our gestational carrier agreement and also prepare our legal documents to get our names as the parents of the child(ren) on the birth certificate.

On Sunday night, the 26th, we skyped with Jessica and her husband. It was the first time we have seen them since we met back in May. I am eager to get our contract wrote up. I already had a whole list of questions for them pertaining to what should go in the contract, as it is important to make sure we have the same values going into this. Once I get the basic contract from the lawyer we plan to go back and forth via email adding in or crossing out anything that might or might not be of some concern. We talked about a few of these things when we first met with them and so far we still tend to agree on some of the bigger issues like number of embryos transferred, views on selective reduction, and how to cover loss of wages if she can't work. So far so good!

This afternoon I got a call from our RE clinic nurse coordinator. She told me the next step is to make sure that there is good access to my ovaries for the egg retrieval. Hopefully in the next couple of weeks I can get in with my Ob and get the u/s needed to verify that. At that same appt. I will most likely be getting my infectious disease testing as well. Infectious disease testing is next on the list for Jessica as well. Then we can both do our counseling sessions.

Still quite a few months until transfer time, but at least we are still moving forward with this process.

Walk to Remember

Last Saturday on August 18, 2012 Dereck and I went to the Walk to Remember. We went last year and now again this year. This year should've been so different, as with everything that should be, but isn't. I wish my daughter could've been there, walking with me, and crying with me as we remember Liam. This year we wrote messages on balloons for both our babies. Last year was hard, and this year even harder. I still find myself struggling to not be jealous of others, who are obviously there because they also have experienced child loss, but just hate that many of them all have at least one child with them, whereas I still don't. I started crying from the point we showed up at the hospital. I was crying so much that I could barely write on my balloons because they were getting so wet with tears. I cried while writing a message in the book to be read to our loved babies. Bawled my eyes out as the messages were read and as we released our balloons. I love you my babies.

4 Months

Last night I woke abruptly around 5am after having a bad dream. The dream started out with me running through the hospital. Although I didn't look it, I was pregnant. As I was running I was questioning if my baby was still alive. I didn't have much of a belly but could feel this small ball like spot that stuck out that I assumed was my baby. As I was running around I would glance down and see more and more little blood stains appearing on my pants and new I needed help fast. There were so many people there and I couldn't seem to figure out where to go for help. Finally it occurred to me that I needed to go to Ob Triage. I found it and went straight up to the front desk, butting in front of a few people, and started telling the guy behind the counter that I needed to get seen immediately. I said that my uterus was rupturing and I needed a Dr. to deliver my baby right now. The guy told me to settle down, stop yelling, and that someone would be with me shortly. I was getting so angry and said that I was going to call my Ob be directly then because my baby was going to die if they didn't help me. Then I woke up.


I had a huge talk with my counselor yesterday about "this month". I write about this a lot, but since the first the what-ifs and anger toward myself are only getting stronger. It is consuming me more and more. My counselor keeps trying different types of trauma work with me and usually we never get far. She tried another new exercise with me at my appt yesterday. I told her about all these angry feelings building up within me. Again we had to stop doing it within minutes of starting. That's seems to be how every exercise goes as I usually start bawling right away. She obviously wants me to stop playing the what-ifs game and stop blaming myself. I say that I wish the what-ifs would quit as well. The truth is though, that I don't think they are going to stop nor are the exercises going to truly help. At least not until I can deep down honestly stop blaming myself for my daughters death. I don't know if I ever will though.

It is 4 months today since my daughter was born and I still can't look at her pictures and not have some form of angry feelings come up. I think she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, but even that makes me angry. I look at those pictures and that weekend starts playing over and over in my head. Lately I have even been getting flashbacks of being in the hospital. I see her in her little NICU bed, her little arms are moving back and forth but she can't control them because she is having a seizure. I think about all the pain she must be in and wish that me as her mom could hold her, give her a hug and kiss, and tell her it'll be okay, and doing so would make everything better. How this is happening to my baby? Why are these the only memories I have of my time with my daughter?

I feel so traumatized by this all.

I never thought I would say that I hate life this much.....
but I do.

I know I need to get help before this really gets out of control, but I don't know what to do all at the same time. I feel like the only thing that will make this better is having my daughter here, but I know that's not exactly an option.

Tomorrow is Jessica's appt. with our RE. She could get cleared. Hopefully she'll get cleared. If she don't though, I don't how I will handle the news.

Evelynn,
My love. My little beauty. My baby girl. I miss you more than words could say. I cry a million tears for you almost daily.
I love you, Mom

I Just "Feel It"

After Liam died and through my whole pregnancy with Evelynn all anyone could say is how next time things will work out, it was a fluke, stop worrying, and that this can't happen to you twice.  Of course I wanted things to work out with Evelynn, but you know what happened about the time I stopped being paranoid? I ignored abdominal pain thinking it was no big deal and that I have nothing to worry about and then my uterus ruptured and my daughter died.

It's coming up to 4 months since Evelynn was born and died and almost daily I still struggle to get through my day. I am constantly trying to fight back the thoughts that creep in that tell me that it is all my fault my daughter is dead. That I did nothing to protect her. That she is dead because of me. I am a horrible mom.

I have been crying so much lately again, even now as I write this. August is not going well for me at all. I want these thoughts to go away and to leave me alone. I love my daughter and I miss her dearly but these "you killed your daughter" thoughts make me hate myself so much and I fear they will never go away. I get these thoughts and then instead of looking at my daughters pictures with love I look at them with anger because all I picture is how it is because of me that my beautiful baby girl is dead. And then I get angry. That weekend of when I first felt the pain through the time she was born plays in my head over and over again. I want a do over so badly. I want to go to the Dr. and get checked out and fight for my daughter and tell those Dr.'s that something doesn't feel right and that I am at risk for a rupture. I want her to be born and get to come home with me.

I have been telling people here and there that have asked me about pregnancy related stuff that we are planning to use a gestational carrier next time in hopes of bringing home a living baby. Well what do you think is the first response that I get from most of these people? If you guessed "I can just feel it that everything will work out" you guessed right. Of course that is what I want to have happen, but she is not even pregnant yet and there are like a zillion steps to take before we can even get to that point. I want people to STOP saying this to me please and I want everyone else to not even thinking of STARTING to say this to me. Also please do not get all religious on me saying that you will pray that it will work out because God doesn't answer wishes nor does he make miracles. It doesn't work that way nor can I handle hearing this anymore.

I want a living baby so bad and I want things to work out with our carrier. I know that what has happened to me sucks, try living it, but can't people just say that they HOPE it all works out next time but if it doesn't they will be here to SUPPORT me. I don't know why people feel the need to say that stuff to me. Is it because it makes them feel better because they can't handle the thought of something bad happening? Or is it because in all reality the odds should have been more in my favor of working out than not working out, so it seemed like the obvious thing to say? Supporting me would be more beneficial, especially right now when I am at one of the lowest points in my life. Now that would be more beneficial in helping me get through this dark time and even through another pregnancy via our carrier than "I can feel it" because you know what, unless you got some kind of superhuman ability that knows this for sure-you got nothing. But if you do have some kind of superhuman ability to know the future then we need to talk because I am still considering finding a good medium or psychic.

So please, please, please no one, I ask of all of you, please do not post anything in my comments saying that you "know" or "feel" or that it's "gonna" work out. Please just offer support.

Last night I more less cried myself to sleep. Actually it was more of a cried on Derecks shoulder in bed for a good two hours. Then when I tried to fall asleep I had a difficult time because I was shaking so bad from all the crying and being so overtired. This morning I got up and the crying resumed.

Oh did I mention I am thoroughly annoyed at myself because I destroyed my IPhone last night. Yes, it is just a phone and I was able to borrow a used one from a friend until I can get a new one but I lost a lot of stuff I had wrote in my phone about Liam and Evelynn. When I think of stuff that relates to them I always type it into the notes section so I don't forget, and now its gone. So for now I am going to cry about it.

I did see one of my friends babies briefly today, it was my friends, my coworker that I have wrote about. She was the one who gave me the phone to use and when I went to get it her baby boy was sleeping in his car seat. I went over and I looked at him. He is about 2 months old now. I didn't ask to hold him or anything, but it was nice to see him in person.

I also learned today that a friend from grief group just had her baby yesterday. I am happy for her, really I am. Although at the same time I felt this anger seep in that makes me so angry because, yet again, I feel I was pregnant first both times, I lost my baby first, and I am supposed to have the living baby first. It's not a contest but I feel I am always in last place and will never catch up.


A friend sent this to me awhile back and think its a good time to post it.

"Have You Ever" - Author Unknown

Have you ever watched your child die?

Have you ever held her hand, feeling the life that grew within you slip away, breath by painful breath?

Have you ever kissed a cold gray cheek, knowing you will never kiss it again while helpless tears rolled down your own?

Have you ever left your child-the child you dreamed of, the child you love-knowing the next time you visit her, it will be at her grave?

Have you ever sat at your window at midnight waiting for sleep, waiting for any escape from a nightmare that won't go away, only to watch dawn bring nothing but reminders of what you will never have?

Have you ever watched the world forget the person you love the most saying "you'll have another one" or "move on" or "let go" as if she were a book or a pen, or a bad haircut that could be replaced or erased as if she didn't matter, as if she had never been?

Have you ever looked at your future knowing someone will always be missing? Have you ever looked at your past knowing some things can never be changed?  Have you ever looked at your present and felt nothing, saw nothing but guilt and anger and loss?

If you haven't - then don't tell me what to think. Don't tell me how to act.  Don't tell me how to feel.  Don't tell me to get over it... because I NEVER will.