Friday, July 27, 2012

Me Lately

I have hardly wrote much this past month. It's not that I don't have anything to say, its more that I just feel its all the same. I work, I think about Evelynn, I pump, I think about Evelynn, I eat, I think about Evelynn, I sleep, I think about Evelynn, I try to keep myself nonstop distracted with projects-read, garden, clean, house projects, I think about Evelynn, I get out with friends and the dogs for a walk or hike, I think about Evelynn, I run errands, I think about Evelynn, I go out with friends to eat, to play pool, play games, etc, I think about Evelynn, I think about the gestational carrier stuff and beg the world to make time go faster so we can get somewhere with it, I think about Evelynn. I cry for Evelynn, repeat.

Distraction projects are still keeping me distracted, well for the most part.

Derecks brother left last weekend after staying with us for almost 3 weeks. The things that needed to get fixed, got fixed. Now we just need to get everything put away that has been sitting in our dining room for these past 6 months.

I have tried to do a little gardening these past few years since we've boughten our house. I always plant annuals in the front yard, hang flower baskets outside, and have some plants in the house. After Liam passed I had tried to grow peppers, tomatoes, and berries, with no success really-actually it was a disaster. You might have even heard me say a few times that I can't get anything to live. And yes that was said by me and was meant in the worst possible way. Now that Evelynn has passed away as well, it seems all too true. But, I am trying to take a stab at the gardening thing again though. Since our fence is fixed in our backyard now I am trying to create a memorial garden for my babies. It is going to be with all perennials and bushes. God I hope they come back next year. It is a lot of work and has kept me super busy. Plus, I kind of feel like my gardening has a purpose now since it is for my babies. It has to be perfect, for them. Pictures will come!

As far as for my fundraiser, it is slowly making some progress. Had to change the venue though, too small, and I want to try and get it to be BIG. Date of it will probably change to November now as well. I have met with a few more people who have done fundraisers so I can learn as much as I can to pull off a successful one. I wish I could have more accomplished with it by now but am having a hard time working on getting something wrote up about our story. It isn't exactly a real distraction project I'd say since the reason for doing a fundraiser is directly related to what I am trying to avoid.

Still doing quite a bit of reading. Finally got around to reading the Hunger Games. I hurried up and finished the first book so Dereck and I could go see it at the theater a couple weekends ago. I am not a big theater person, it's too expensive and I just don't sit still well. This theater is different though as its cheap, because it plays movies that have been out awhile, and also serves good food and beverages to enjoy while watching the movie. Thought it would be a good bet to go on a Saturday night to the late showing and not have to worry about babies. Wrong! Who the F brings there baby to a movie that late? Actually there was two of them in the theater. One cried a little during the movie but the other one, which was sitting just on the other side of the aisle from me, cried on and off the whole. fricken. movie. I was ready to scream at the those parents. I tend to do better these days seeing babies, but I still can't handle the sound of one. Assuming its because I have yet to ever hear one of my own babies make a sound.

It really does seem like the one thing I want more than anything in this world is the one thing that causes me the most heartache:(

Oh, and my dreams lately have been a combination of the Hunger Games (now reading book 2) and babyloss. Seriously not a good combination.

Dereck didn't have to leave town for work last weekend for his normal 3 weeks. There was a job in town that his work needed someone to do, and he got it. I am happy he is in town and I get to see him at least a little bit every day, versus not at all, but it still sucks in a way. I say that because he will have spent more time at home this year than he has since we moved to Alaska 5 years ago. He was off work for 10 weeks when Evelynn was born so he could spend time with her and now that he is working in town he will be home for a minimum of another 9 weeks until he has to leave town for work again. Working in town would've allowed him to have spent so much extra time with his daughter during these first 6 months of her life:(

I am still seeing that new counselor once a week and I still go to grief group every other week. Actually I skipped group last night. I don't really feel like any of it helps much anymore. I used to really like group, especially being able to talk with others who have gone through what I have, but now that Evelynn has died as well my attitude toward other peoples losses have changed. I swear I went from being super sympathetic to others losses to being very unsympathetic. There is this part of me that feels like, "oh, you've had one loss, cry, try going through it twice." It's negative, it's rude, I probably sound like a total bitch, and probably could use a complete attitude adjustment. I know what you are all probably thinking reading this, but I can't help the way I feel. It's not that I don't care. I'm just having a hard dealing with the fact that this happened to me again.

Via facebook messaging I have spoke to a fellow blm asking her about what it is like to finally have a baby at home. I wonder so often what that is like and if I'll ever get to experience it. Although I think now I am so beyond mentally fucked up that I am going to be one beyond crazy parent if it does happen. This momma is so sweet and shared with me her take on it. I feel this momma and me will always have a special connection, for our rainbow babies share the same birthday, although hers gets to be here in her arms, mine in my heart. The morning of the 22nd as I thought about how Evelynn should be 3 months old I also thought of her little boy. That same morning Addison and Mason's mom let me know that she was thinking of Evelynn as well. Love her:)

I have been thinking also a lot about how at this time the last 2 years I have been either pregnant or trying to get pregnant. Still no baby in my arms and right now none of the above are going on and it is going to be that way through at least the end of the year. It's going to be so different going into fall and then winter and not be pregnant. I also fear the holidays are going to seem even emptier this year:(

I am definitely still struggling, but I am doing okay. The sun doesn't seem to bother me as much as it did just a month ago either, I am actually enjoying its presence when it does come out. It was hard for a long time to want to be near anyone that appeared happy, but these last few weeks I have actually went out quite a few times with friends, and even been sociable with them. I have laughed and I have had fun. Not what should be, but trying to make the most of it.


  1. You are not a bitch--you are dealing with an impossibly horrible situation. Any of us who have been through it once would be lying if we said your situation isn't harder. I cannot even begin to imagine. Still think of you all the time. Hugs.

  2. Sweetie, you can struggle as long as you need to. We're all here, holding you in our hearts (and if we were closer, we'd hold you in our arms, too).

    I held M today and thought of Evelynn. I have to believe they share the same birthday for a reason...

    Hugs, mama...

  3. You are not a bitch. But even if you were, you have a right to be. You have the right to be angry, bitter, mean, whatever you want really no one would ever blame you. This is so unfair and total bullshit that this has happened to you. In NO way would I ever compare our situations (because like Molly said, yours is more difficult) but I used to roll my eyes at women who had early losses and were sad about it after I had mine. That sounds TERRIBLE but I would think "yeah a miscarriage at 7 weeks is sad but whatever-- try 18 weeks" And once I had a full term pregnancy, I realized a loss at that point would have been even more difficult than my own.

    Hoping time flies for you as well.

  4. Oh hun, you are not a bitch. Nobody should ever have to experience losing a child...let alone twice. It's hard not to feel as though our own situations are the worst in the world. I go to groups sometimes and feel like it's hard to relate because nobodies situation is the same as mine, and I find myself thinking that what I went through is worse. It isn't fair, and it isn't right. But that's how it is.

    As for not feeling like you have anything new to say - I can relate to that as well. I've only been writing my blog for just over a month, and it already feels like I'm just repeating myself. The same downer posts. But the reality is that is how I'm feeling, that is how I'm doing. It's hard to always express it in real life, when everyone's lives just carry on as normal and you're stuck in this bitter journey that you couldn't imagine or want to take.

    Sending hugs to you hun and floaty kisses to Liam and Evelynn

  5. I often feel the same and havent written alot on my blog, after all this time although I am functioning there isnt a moment that goes by when I am not thinking or aching for my son. I cant imagine what your going through, no thats wrong -I can imagine it and have nightmares about it everyday. I am terrified. You are not a bitch. Sending my love to you, Evelynn and Liam. xo

  6. You're not a bitch, and anyone who thinks so should just go to hell. You've been through hell and back twice and have survived. Whether you believe it or not, you are surviving. Just getting out of bed is one more step towards surviving. You're an inspiration. Sending you lots of hugs and strength as you continue your journey. Please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do for you.

  7. Dear Becky,
    I spend quite a lot of time reading baby loss blogs but this is my first time posting a comment. Your losses touch my heart and I feel so much for you and pray that you will not give up hope. I have known true sorrow just as you have. I have lost four pregnancies, one miscarriage at 10 weeks, one at 15 weeks for which I needed to have a D&C performed and 2 stillbirths (a boy lost due to placental abruption and a girl lost due to Down syndrome and a heart defect). I can also say that I have known joy with the birth of a healthy baby following those four losses. For some reason, I just know in my heart that one day, whether it be in one year or a few years from now, you too will know the joy of being a mother to a rainbow baby, whether that baby grows in your belly or someone else's. Please know that I am praying for you, your husband and your sweet Liam and Evelynn.

  8. I cannot believe people bring babies to late night movies. And make them cry whole time.
    Whatever you feel now, is 100 percent justified. I may have babies at home now, but I still get mad at people who have no clue about what is meant by loss, whining over silly things. And here I'm, surviving losses of a baby son and most loved brother. I often wonder why some people are so lucky in life that they are saved from such pain; and we are made to go through it mercilessly.

  9. I agree with everyone else. I think it's normal and natural to think that way. I just hope the next few months goes by so quickly so you can get started on carrier stuff to at least give you something else to focus on, even though it won't fix anything.


  10. I don't think there will ever be a milestone that Mason hits that won't make me think of Evelynn. I will always wonder and wish we could compare stories. Always.

    As far as the support group goes, I don't blame you one bit. In those early days after losing Addison I would get so upset...really angry when people would compare their early losses as the same as losing my fullterm, perfect baby for no damn reason. I feel a little differently now depending on the person and the story, but for the most part I would think "oh you think yours is bad, well listen to this"! You certainly have it worse than the other people in the group and it must feel really awful that no one can really relate. As if the babyloss support isn't small enough especially locally, but then to have a double loss...who really gets that?!? I say think all the bad thoughts you want towards them...sometimes it helps a little to be able to hate them a little...even if it is just silently. :)

    Holidays...I'm still not looking forward to them. It's always going to sting that Addi isn't there...and her birthday being in December...ugh. With all that you have been through, well screw the holidays. I wish I could send you away on vacation to just be away from all of it...I'm working on winning the lottery. So far it's not working out so well, but if I win, start packing your bags! :)

    You're doing the impossible. Living without your babies. I love how you say you do this, you think about Evelynn, you do that, you think about Evelynn. That's so much of how it goes, but you are DOING. You deserve a freaking medal or a parade or something damnit! Okay...I've written you a novel. I'll shut up now :)


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