I really can't believe September is already more than half over! Thank you time gods for not making every day feel like its going by at a snails pace.
On the fundraiser front I finally have a flyer! What do you all think? I love it! A good friend of mine made it. Of course the pink is for Evelynn and the green for Liam. I also finally was able to sit down long enough to write a donation request letter for businesses. That took me forever to do. I mentioned in the last post in August about how my anxiety would get completely out of control from the point I would just sit at the computer thinking about writing it. Somehow I forced myself to just do it though. It feels great to finally have it accomplished. To just have something accomplished. We have mailed some letters out but today is day one of actually going out to places. Not sure if it is good to have me along or not getting donations. It seems weird for me to ask for donations to my own fundraiser, but I also don't expect friends to do it all. No one knows our story quite like me. I can answer most questions asked about the fundraiser, so I feel it could be important for me to be along soliciting for donations. Although, depending on the question asked, I may just start crying on them. Maybe that would be a good thing though. Guess we will see how it goes.
I was able to get in to see a psychiatrist a couple weeks ago. I actually saw this psychiatrist last summer at one point just to hear what she had to say. I never went forward with getting on any medication for my anxiety at that time because I was so afraid of the effects it could have on my baby when I got pregnant. Plus, I just feel it is important to work through things without the help of meds if at all possible. As I mentioned in that last August
post my anxiety was getting really out of control and I needed to do something. That lady had got me in right away to see her. I guess my old counselor, who I don't see anymore, had told her what happened with Evelynn. I talked to her all about my concerns since I am going to be doing IVF stuff and worried about being on any medications at all. I may only be contributing some eggs to this, because I am obviously not carrying the baby, but I want to make sure that those are the best damn eggs I can possibly have. I guess there is always a very, very, very small chance the Zoloft she placed me on could have an effect, but I am trying not to think about that. Less anxiety, stress, and worry has got to be better on producing good eggs, and just better for my body overall.
So it has now been a little over two weeks since I started taking the Zoloft. I have definitely had a few side effects; having a hard time falling asleep at night, nausea, and no appetite. Nothing really bad, but have noticed some changes. I am not sure if it is taking any kind of mental effect on me or not yet. It might be. Who knows with grief though. No matter what it is I have definitely been more relaxed and able to handle some stressers that have recently came up a whole lot better than I did in the past. Part of me feels almost underwhelmed though, which isn't really a good thing either. I don't want to lose my ability to feel anything. Geez, the more I think about it, it almost seems like I have mentally done a complete 180 from that last post in August. I guess I'll just have to give it a few more weeks and see how I feel then.
I am having some issues with counseling also. I have mentioned that I have been doing some of that EMDR work and just don't think its helping. It's like I get to counseling and my brain becomes a huge fog cloud. I can't think or concentrate on anything she wants me to do, or I just start crying and we can't continue what we are working on. At my last session she asked me if anything she is doing with me is helping. It sucks because I feel it isn't and I really thought trying a different form of counseling, the EMDR work, would be a good thing. She even brought up to me that maybe another counselor would be a better fit.
Maybe I just need a break from counseling again. If its not helping, its not helping. I hate to pay for it if I am not getting anything out of it. Honestly, I don't even know what I am expecting to get out of seeing a counselor anymore. I feel like the only thing I have ever really wanted are answers, but that is the one thing I'll never get. I might just start seeing the lady who runs our grief group if I need to talk to someone. I feel like I can be pretty open with her about how I am doing and she says I can call anytime or even make regular appt's if necessary.
I went to a Post Secret event last night. I first heard about PostSecret around a year ago when another fellow blm posted one of the postcards on her blog. I think everyone should start following this blog. The creator, Frank Warren, came to Anchorage yesterday. I even got my book signed. It was interesting listening to him share some of the stories he has heard through the years since he started the project and how so many people have said that it has changed there lives. I can see that. So many of the postcards I can relate to. Especially the ones that revolve around babies.
