Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Missing Her So Much Lately

It has been awhile since I have wrote about Her. It has been over 10 months now and I am really, really, really, really missing my baby girl a lot lately. For awhile their I think I was pretty occupied preparing for our gestational carrier stuff, so my mind was kept busy. We are at the point though, that last year at this time I remember finally getting to the point in my pregnancy with her that I truly believed things were going to work out, and she would be here still today alive and healthy, and in my arms in less than 2 months. We had had her baby shower and I remember telling everyone to be easy on the pink, that I was keeping things more neutral colored, and the fact that I hated pink.

Fast forward to after she passed away and even still today. I am so in love with pink. All these spring colors, especially the pinks I am seeing everywhere lately, are not helping. It's almost kind of depressing, for it makes me think of her and all that I have lost, again.

I wrote about doing pinterest/house remodeling projects to keep me busy. I can't handle sitting still right now. I literally go crazy. So instead I just don't stop moving. I paint, I tile, I organize. I did a lot in the 3 weeks Dereck was gone last. The crazy part is that I do it all alone and in silence. It is weird how I like the silence still. I have never really gotten over that since Liam passed away. I will also try to maybe post pictures one day of everything I have accomplished around our house.
How fitting is this?
I also have been trying so hard to get in shape again. I even just signed up for my first triathalon. I maybe overdoing it, but I like that between all my projects and the extra working out, I crash at night. I love it when I am able to sleep well.

These distractions are great, but I still can't escape this reality of mine for too long. On occasion I still have those nights in which my dreams torture me. In the past week and a half I have had quite a few of those, and I hate them. The first was where I found out we were having another girl. In the dream I was head over heels excited- that's actually a good one. Then came the next dream. In this one I found out we were having a boy, and just like I did when we first found out we were having Liam, I was mad he was a boy. I threw the largest tantrum in my dream about how I wanted my girl. I woke up angry and annoyed at myself because we could very well have another boy. Am I going to act that way again? I do want another boy. I love my boy. I miss my boy. I've just always wanted a girl. In all reality though, I am most annoyed with myself for even having a dream like this, throwing the tantrum in it about the baby being a boy, because what I really want is to have a baby live and to take home and love on. The next dream involved running into a friend who was 7 months pregnant and at the same time having my sister tell me in my dream that she was pregnant with her 4th, she just had her 3rd a few months ago. Then I had a dream I was prengant again and wasn't able to handle it, at all. The most recent dream was all about Evelynn, and redoing that entire night where my uterus ruptured. It was a fricken nightmare.

Anyways..... I have wanted to write for awhile now about how I have been feeling. I keep going back and forth between being so happy about our new baby and the hope of things continuing to go well and trying to distract myself from worrying and keeping my anger and sadness from creeping back in. I feel like I can't keep it in anymore and want to scream and cry. Today at work I think I feel like a patient of mine was the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. I have gotten used to having to ask patients about whether or not they are pregnant and listening to them be like, "hell no!" or "oh I am done with that, I have 5 already". Today though, I had the patient that we haven't seen in over a year who was finally coming in to finish where she started a year ago with us because, "oh I found out I was pregnant and so now I have had the baby and need to finally get my knee fixed." She says all this with the hugest smile and look of happiness and excitement. I glared back at her and I am pretty sure she could see that I looked annoyed. I try to put my issues aside with patients because I am there for them, but ever since then I have been in the pissiest mood, and now I work extra hours today and tomorrow at my other job and I just want to go home and cry.

I just hate this.

Evelynn's first birthday is coming up in just a month and half. I am finally starting to work on some of her stuff as well. Would you believe I still don't have pictures on my wall of her. I had some of Liam's up right away, but I have had such anger issues that looking at her pictures just made me too angry too look at. I found the most perfect frames and blew up a bunch of her NILMDTS pics. I also got a bunch of fake flowers to try and replicate her basket from her funeral and her wreath from her burial, just like I did with Liam's cross. I'm hoping to start on her scrapbook as well, but I just don't know when I will be mentally ready for that one. I have to work on her first birthday and her passing day as well. That's going to suck :( Hopefully what Dereck and I have planned will make things a little less crappy though. We have decided to take a short trip to Hawaii. Now I know I have complained about money with all this carrier stuff, but its not like that. If there is anything good that has came out of paying so many medical bills, it's the thousands of airline miles we have racked up. I mean seriously, who wouldn't go to Hawaii if you and your husbands airfare was $10rt, and we are going to camp to save on lodging. The trade off though is that I will not be able to go home for the new babies anatomy scan, which I really wanted to do. This trip is something that we need though, as we are both super stressed out and need a vacation that is not baby related, and some sunshine couldn't hurt.


  1. That's too bad you're going to miss the anatomy scan, although a trip to Hawaii sounds lovely. I've never been and I've always wanted to go.

    I wonder if they could do a DVD or at least a few photos from your baby's anatomy scan, just so you can sort of feel like you got to experience it too. If not, maybe one of those places that do a 3D scan would be worth it. They usually put them on disc (or so I'm told, I never got to do that with either Aidan or Kaia since I didn't have enough amniotic fluid either time to make the scan worthwhile).

    I'm so hopeful for you, but I know it must be incredibly scary to hope, so for now, I'm going to do it for you. Best wishes to you and Derek and the GC and your new baby as spring approaches.

  2. Hawaii sound so great and I'm so glad you guys are doing that. Maybe you can Skype or FaceTime with Jessica during the scan so you can still "be there"?? Just a thought.

    Missing your baby girl with and for you.

  3. You gotta do what you gotta do and this trip sounds like it will be really good for you. (((Hugs)))

  4. I'm with Emily, I know how scary it is so I will hope for you.

    Evelyn is absolutely beautiful, and so loved

  5. I agree with the prior comments- skype/facetime/photos of the anatomy scan would be a great way to still be there but also be able to go to Hawaii. If you're up for it, of course. :)

    The renovating while grieving was something I know all too well. I can't say I was silent though, my renovations were completed with tear-stained cheeks and wailing away my sorrow.

    I'd love to see pictures of your work if you're sharing!

    Hope these next several months fly by quickly.

    I wish you had your girl too- she's just so gorgeous and it's impossible to understand that she's not here. I wish you had both your kids.

  6. So much to say. I haven't commented here in a very long time, for many reasons. Another BLM from a background of infertility, a miracle baby and stunning loss during delivery, a reclaimed adopted child, and finally, our rainbow baby through donor egg IVF last June (after our GC bailed on us just a few weeks before the procedure, and therefore had to carry myself. Which, now that it worked and we have her, was a blessing. But omg the stress..). It took us 7 years to have a child - your wait and angst and everything you've written the last many months is wrenchingly familiar.

    I've had to re-write this several times, and will follow up with an email because it's just too much at once, maybe too much for a public blog, etc.

    But I wanted to at least just tell you...everything you wrote sounds so NORMAL. Normal for what you've been through, for what you're going through. The anticipation of Evelynn’s first birthday would be enough – all we BLMs know that all too well; but everything else too, including a pregnancy you (really) can’t control?!? Every frayed nerve and fervently stressed thought are absolutely justified. And when I say stressed, I mean like building engineers mean it. Pulled, hard, back and forth by equally potent forces – hope, fear…grief.
    It's no small wonder you're having dreams like that. Of course you can't control them, and it hurts to read how hard you are on yourself for some of them. If it means anything at all, it took me months to consciously work through being okay with the boy I was sure I was going to have - I too wanted a girl all my life - and had one. She's in a box on the shelf. So like you, all I REALLY wanted was a healthy living baby, to hell with the gender. But it's not so easy, that. My wish for you is to (gently) acknowledge all these dreams as just pieces of you - certainly not the All of You -, but valid pieces to be honored as you forge your way through this ridiculously difficult path.
    With you keeping yourself so busy during the day, all those pieces might just have to be finding their way out at night. :) Just a thought.

    I think all of us hate this for you too.

    Again, so much more to say.

    Please, be as gentle with yourself as possible!! Please, take this vacation and suck the sun/energy/beauty/serenity out of it, so that it might fill you with as much light and breath as possible.

    You've got people across the nation, if not around the world, holding their breath and gutting through with you. Even if there are some of us who don't let you know that very often.

    Here's to Liam, to Evelynn, to your unborn child and the great woman supporting her so, to your husband and to you. Breathe, and know how many people hold all of you in their hearts. COME ON, little BABY!!!!

  7. Becky - I've been thinking of you and stopped by to say hello. Keep hanging in there and doing what you need to do to get ready for Evelynn's birthday and make it through this next pregnancy. I'm so glad you guys are able to swing a Hawaiian vacation - that's just great.


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