Sunday, April 28, 2013

Our Carrier is Pregnant- 16 weeks/4 Months

Jessica went in for her 16 weeks appt. last Thursday. It was supposed to have been a regular ob appt., but she ended up having some more bleeding again, so the dr. decided to order a full u/s on her as well. Placenta is low lying, but not over cervix. Cervix is closed. They did a look at the brain and spine, because spina bifida is still a worry to me even though Evelynn didn't have it, and so far that looks great as well. Baby is still as active as ever. Overall baby is looking and doing great.

But I bet the thing all of you are wondering is if we learned the sex yet, am I right? I was so hoping we were going to learn the sex as well, even though this wasn't supposed to be an u/s based appt. Well, we did. I am actually pretty ashamed at myself about how I reacted to the news. I guess I will just come out and say it.

We are having another BOY!

As soon as I heard that and seen the pics confirming he was a boy, who clearly wasn't at all shy of showing the world his business, I bawled my eyes out. I cried and then cried some more. I hate myself for crying when all I should care about is that he is healthy. We are in Hawaii, trying to relax and destress and I let it get to me the rest of the day. I was just so hoping for another girl. The thought of having to go home and slowly begin to pack up all my girl stuff makes me even more angry than I already am that Evelynn died. All of her dresses. All of the pink. What if I never have another girl again. I feel so pathetic, I have a healthy boy growing and I am complaining. Ugh!

I love it that Jessica is so understanding of my feelings toward this. She doesn't judge me for wishing this baby was a girl. She lets me know its okay to keep on grieving my daughter and that she will take care of our little guy until he is ready to meet us.

We are still in Hawaii as I write this and these past couple days since I learned we are having anther boy I can already see that I have definitely started coming around with the whole boy thing. I was going to have to eventually, right? I do love him and have already had many moments thinking about all of the wonderful things we are going to do together. Although I worry about letting myself think too much about it only to once again be left babyless.

Well I won't leave you hanging any longer, and yes I am sharing his name with you all. I waited for it to be a surprise with both Liam and Evelynn, and then regretted it later.

Introducing Liam and Evelynn's baby brother, Maximilian!


  1. Oh, Sweetheart...I'm so happy that baby is doing well and that the bleed was just low lying placenta (I had it, too, but it has corrected)...and so feel your conflicting emotions around having a boy. I'm thrilled that my little guy is healthy and growing well, but have those same fears of never getting to have another girl. My husband and I just met a beautiful little girl, 22 months old, and oh how she is pulling at my heart right now!

    Big love and hugs to you, Becky dear... <3

    (And I love baby's name!)

  2. Awwwww - hugs. Different things cause different reactions. Don't beat yourself over it.

  3. I had a really hard time when I found out Hayes was a boy (even though it wasn't post loss--i just really wanted another girl). When I lost him, I was devastated and wanted a boy so badly I couldn't stand it! So I understand your need for a girl. But I can tell you with absolute certainty that having a boy is so much more fun than I ever could have imagined. I know you love him and will enjoy him so much! And I hope that you get anther girl one day too. Big hugs and congrats!!

  4. Oh hi little Max. Aren't you a cutie already! :)

    I totally understand your desire for another girl and your sentiment for feeling bad about it, but it's ok for your heart to yearn for a girl. And hopefully one day you will have another one. I'm so happy your second son is doing so well though and hope that continues for a LONG LONG time.

  5. Congratulations! I had three sons, one who was stillborn, and then my last pregnancy was a girl. She died as a result of stillbirth also. I miss having a girl so much, but I wouldn't trade my sons for anything. I understand your feelings. Boys are so much fun! I'm glad everything is okay! I've posted Evelynns's balloon on FB. I'm getting ready to send out the pictures via email and post them on my blog.

  6. Oh Max- you are adorable!! :)

    You know, I think it's just so hard no matter what the gender is. I know for this pregnancy, I was just so happy to be pregnant and was thrilled either way- though I suppose my blm heart wanted a boy because I had lost one. I would be lying if I said I didn't want a boy next. Because I do. But at the same time, the thought of no more girls is enough to make me cry too.

    It's just impossible not to want the babies that you lost. And to have to pack up Evelynn's things and unpack Liam's must be such a mindfuck... Like you Just did the reverse... Ugh. :(

    Thinking of you and hoping Jessica's spotting resolves and the next 20-24 weeks fly by! ;)

  7. Hello there little Max! Oh Becky I'm so happy for you! Praying for you all these next few months!

  8. Having a girl is wonderful, but honestly now that I'm a mom to a living child, I can honestly say it probably doesn't matter all that much in the end. I don't love Kaia more or less than Aidan because she's a girl, and neither would the reverse be true. Kaia is loved because she is Kaia, and our child. I've found so far, as a baby and a toddler, it doesn't matter which sex a child is because it's THEM you love, not their 'girl' or 'boy'-ness. Boy or girl, a baby needs you the same way as a newborn. A boy or a girl will learn to smile at you the same way. He or she will hug you and blow kisses and say "Love you!". He or she will also annoy the heck out of you, and throw tantrums and make messes. Kids are kids, no matter what.

    I'm not saying you don't have a right to be sad. In my heart of hearts I would love to have a son someday too, just because it was something that I lost, and it would be nice to find it again. But I can assure you as soon as you see little Max in the flesh, and he is placed in your arms and you stare down at him, it will cease to matter because the only baby in the whole world you'll want is him.

    Keep cookin' Max...we all can't wait to meet you in 24 more weeks!

  9. awwwh i also think it's normal ! i have always wanted three girls, but when i am pregnant i am sure its a boy. So weird lol ... as long as they are healthy, that's all what matters... and the pink gets tiresome over the time....

  10. Well hello Maximilian!! It is so awesome to meet you! You are going to make your mommy and daddy so very very happy. Just keep growing and getting big and strong, so you can give your mommy some big strong hugs. She needs them! We love being on this journey with you. Can't wait till you arrive!!

  11. Hello sweet Maximilian. What a beautiful name you have with so much meaning.

    Thinking of you and your babies always, Becky. xx

  12. hi Max! love the name. such a great name for this rainbow.

    we understand why you would have the feelings you had. grief is such a tricky thing.

    praying for Max's continued safety on this journey.

  13. I'm just so happy he's alive and well.

    You are not out of line for your honesty. These emotions you have are even more than most of us can understand because you did have one of each. I'm fully aware that I can't compare my understanding of loss in that regard. I can never replace the boy Andrew was with the boy Benjamin is.

    The fact of the matter is, we're hopeful in this baby that he'll live to be the light and hope you guys so desperately need. But it doesn't take away from the dreams you had for your Liam or Evelynn. It just doesn't and won't. There isn't a single person who would question your love for any of your children, even if you're upset or sad about packing away those pink clothes.

    Love to you guys!

  14. CONGRATULATIONS!! I found your blog a couple of months ago when I was checking on my weeks progress in my pregnancy. It was so interesting & scary at the same time, I couldn't stop reading it. I've been checking in every so often, since then.
    To see that you found out the sex was such a treat & the name is wonderful & the fact that they don't see spina bifida & all looks healthy, is just AWESOME.
    I will continue to check in. I love it when you post.
    I also think Jessica is amazing. I myself think pregnancy is so hard & no fun watching your body grow & grow into something that doesn't look normal..., and to do it all for the sake of others - people you don't even know. I find that the ULTIMATE BLESSING & I think it's a beautiful thing to do for another person. She has my respect.
    Have fun in Hawaii, I bet it's beautiful there - as I sit here in Missouri, dealing with the allergies & sinusitis of spring! :)

  15. Hello Max! So glad for an update! And love the ultrasound pics!!!
    Hope you're destressing as much as possible, I'm jealous, I'd LOVE to go to Hawaii, or pretty much anywhere tropical right about now! ;)
    Hoping the next 24ish weeks fly by!

  16. I'm so glad that the baby is doing well. I look forward to all your updates. When we found out that Emily was a girl, I was excited. I wanted a girl, but I was also sad that she wasn't a boy because I might never now what it's like to raise a boy, even though I have one. I cried about it a bit then realized that I would have been happy/sad either way. When I found out that Jacob was a boy, disappointment went through my mind, then I tried to focus on all the great things about boys, then I was excited. Then he died and I felt so guilty because I really wanted him, it didn't matter if he was a boy or girl. My sister has two boys and was hoping that the second was a girl (he is 15 months older than Emily). She was disappointed at the time but as soon as he was born...well we just can't Imagine life without our Danny, he is amazing.

    I would be sad about packing away all the little dresses too.

    I love the name you have chosen. I'm looking forward to watching him grow.

  17. I love the name too! I understand your feelings. I was surprised how I felt when I found out we were having 2 girls. I've always wanted a girl, but really thought we'd have 2 boys. I never even considered two girls. And I really was upset over not having even 1 boy - it surprised me. But it's true, you quickly get excited over what you are having and then when little Max comes you will be so over the moon! Big hugs, mama.

  18. He's incredibly beautiful! Look at that profile already! Goodness! And no judgments about the sex. *HUGS* I know you've kind of alluded to issues with your family before, which might be the origins of your wanting a girl so bad. (I know, it was with me! I was never close with my mother, still am not. And have a girl was very much, for me, being the mom I never had with her!) I never admitted how devastated I felt when I was told my first was a boy. Like you went through with Liam. It didn't even make rational sense. But goodness, how I loved him. I thought about all those boy things, that actually just have completely dissolved now that I HAVE a boy. He's not a boy. He's my tiny heart. And I just adore him. I had a girl second. And by then, honestly, all I wanted was another boy just like him. She's different. Would I have felt deprived if I didn't have a girl, I don't know now. She's also just my second heart. Both of them filled the same need though, that was under of that. The one to prove I was a good Mom, who loved my child unconditionally and who would never leave their side no matter what. YOU have already done this, with both of your children. And no matter what, you are ALWAYS going to have a daughter, who you loved and did everything for. I didn't lose either of my children, so I'm coming at this from a different place, BUT I understand. And I promise promise promise that having a son is just as sweet, if not sweeter. They really are mama's boys forEVER. I am so so sooooo happy for your growing baby. And I loooove his name. It's beautiful. And don't let anyone tell you your boy can't rock some pink! My son did. And baby legs. And still does. He wears leggings and hot pink jeans and his favourite colour is pink (oh and he really loves make-up and painting his nails with stars). I honestly haven't encouraged him. It's ALL him. Not that he doesn't looooove cars. OMG! Congrats!

  19. Oh my goodness. How did I miss this update? He is so cute, and I love the name you guys picked out. I can't imagine all the mixed emotions you are having, but I hope it gets easier as you see your baby boy grow through the ultrasounds

  20. Just found your blog for the first time. I love the name you picked for Liam & Evelyn's little brother! I think you're an amazing person and mother and I look forward to checking back here for your updates. You deserve all the happiness in the world after so much sorrow.

  21. I've been off the blogs for so long and I'm finally catching up! Congrats! Little Max is so cute and I love the name. I'm so thrilled he is healthy. I understand your emotions on tthe sex of the baby. Its difficult, I sometimes wonder if ill ever have a boy after Liam. But part of me can't imagine not having only girls. Emotions never make sense. In any case: this is wonderful news!


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