Friday, June 13, 2014

Seems Like Everybody's Expecting........Except Us

I don't recall if I have wrote or not about the fact that I have three friends that are pregnant right now, and a fourth that's in the process of joining them. The three that are already pregnant are all due within weeks to a couple months of one another, so pretty much all due between October and December.

When I found out my first friend was pregnant I took it really hard. Hard because she had just gotten married last summer, decided to start ttc shortly after the honeymoon a few months later, and got pregnant right away. It's still so frustrating to me when people can get pregnant on the first or even the second month of trying. And, of course, I still have major issues with pregnancy in general, along with the fear everyone will have a girl. This friend isn't going to find out the sex until the baby is born. I'm almost certain I will not be going to her baby shower.

Then I found out about the next friend being pregnant. This friend was pregnant at the same time as I was with Evelynn. Our babies due dates were within a few days of one another. I always new she wanted to get pregnant again sooner than later, but it's hard to deal with when I just finally started being able to be around her son and not get depressed that my daughter should be here and be the same age as him, also that she could get pregnant again, and lastly because I just finally got a baby here, home, and alive. Just two days ago she found out she was having a girl. I wanted to scream and smash something. Not fair. I want my boy and girl.

Then there is my third pregnant friend. She is one of my closest friends and has been there for me through both pregnancies, both losses, and helped us tremendously with fundraising for our gestational carrier pregnancy with Max. She thought for sure she'd have a hard time getting pregnant after seeing what we went through, but sure enough she was pregnant the first month. I'm happy she can talk to me about any concerns and ask pregnancy related questions. In a way it makes me feel good, useful, and that at least she doesn't think I am like this versus this horrible cursed pregnancy baby killer, that I often feel like I am. She also plans to find out the sex of her baby. I fear it'll be a girl as well. I also feel like I should be the one throwing a "it's a girl/boy!" party and do her baby shower, just as she did for me. I don't think I have it in me to go to a baby shower yet,  let alone throw one. I know she would understand, but she also deserves to enjoy all things pregnancy and baby related with the support of all her friends and family, including me, and not be concerned about how it'll affect me.

The fourth friend I guess we will wait and see if she ends up pregnant or not. She is doing it all on her own and commend her on that. She wants a girl sooo bad.

Having Max here and after multiple years of grieving, it's still hard. I was just starting to feel better about so many of my friends being pregnant, but them having girls is just too much for me. When I was pregnant with Liam,  everyone I knew pregnant seemed like they were having girls. When I was pregnant with Evelynn, everyone seemed like they were having boys. I just feel like this is going to be the season of girls, and I have no idea how I'll cope, whether it's just one or all of them. Girls or not, it's going to be hard. It's making me want to be pregnant again so badly.


  1. I feel similar when I see pregnancy announcements. It's very difficult when my friends are pregnant and even though I am happy for them when everything turns out fine, I also get a bit bitter.

    I am not pregnant and not trying (though, I too would like to be able to poof- have a normal pregnancy and healthy kid.) And it can get a little lonely in the non-pregnant group.

  2. I'm so sorry. I also have a hard time dealing with pregnancy announcements. I love my friends and family, but after the loss of my two boys I just cannot embrace other pregnancies the way that I used to. Hugs to you.

  3. I also still feel like a cursed baby killer, at least my uterus is. I'm too scared to try again after my body basically just spit out my perfect baby girl.

    Just wanted to mention that when I watched Return to Zero, I looked for Liam and Evelynn's names, I was already crying of course, but wanted you to know I was thinking of your children.

  4. I sure hope that third friend who is so great won't feel like you must be the one throwing her a shower... I think she understands you and how you would LOVE to, if circumstances were not so hard for you having lost two babies. She can't be in your shoes, but she clearly wants to understand the difficulty, so I hope that you don't feel pressured.

  5. i'm sorry. i understand. i still have issues with pregnancy announcements, etc. it's just so hard.


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