Friday, December 19, 2014

This Is All Too Much

I can hardly think these days. The grief is weighing me down again, along with those thoughts of the "next" baby. Christmas is almost here and I am just wanting it to be over and get to January. Of course, January through April aren't exactly my favorites times of year either. So many friends pregnant and having these perfect babies. So much hate for my body for completely f-ing me over. I hate that my thoughts are so wrapped up in all of this that I can't even bring myself to do much of anything lately. Poor Max. I wish I could find it in me to more excited, but I can't, not this year.

I met the MFM Dr a few weeks back. It went about how I expected it to go. She wasn't exactly  supportive in terms of being like "lets get ya pregnant" and "it'll all work out". I wouldn't have exactly wanted to hear that anyway since no one can guarantee things will work out. She, however, did say that if I chose to get pregnant again that she would be 100% invested in my care. I am glad to hear that but I just wish I would've saw her last time then. Not that things wouldn't have worked out the same, but its hard not to wonder. Also, its not like it was my last MFM Drs fault. She was just listening to the Perinatologist from UCSF. My ob Dr on the other hand, I am still just so angry with. Obviously, she didn't want my uterus to rupture or my daughter to die, but I can't help but still be pissed that she kept blowing off my concerns of a rupture, telling to stop worrying I am stressing my baby out, and that things were going to be fine. It just pisses me off that my daughter might still be alive someone taken this more seriously. But why would they assume I'd rupture, afterall, its so rare. Fuuuuck! Oh and the MFM Dr said that they don't refer anyone to UCSF anymore because for some reason they keep losing all the babies. WTF? seriously?

Tomorrow I meet with that new Ob Dr to go over the consult I had with the MFM. I expect he still won't be supportive of another pregnancy, but lately I feel like I am just done with all things pregnancy.

As far as the search for a new carrier, I have spoken to numerous surros through this website called Surro Moms Online. I wanted to find another carrier on our own and be independent again. Granted with Jessica, she found us, and was amazing, I believe there are other wonderful people out there who want to help people like me, without it costing a fortune. I honestly don't know how anyone can afford going through agency, IVF is expensive enough. About a month ago I thought I found the perfect carrier. She had just given birth to a baby for another couple a week prior and wanting to find another couple to help this spring. She seemed perfect and more on our time line. Most surros I was meeting were ready to start the process, like yesterday. She had her first post nantal appt yesterday, but I guess needed to get rechecked in January before the Dr would give her the okay to do this again.

I spoke with my RE's office a couple months back about wanting to do this process again and they had needed me to do some blood work to test my hormone levels once I was done breastfeeding. I was told I would have the results of my blood work the following Monday, the labs were drawn on Friday. Still no call by Wednesday, so I called them on Thursday and left a message. I should have known that if the nurses weren't calling me back with results right away it couldn't be good. Sure enough, I finally got a call on Friday that I needed to speak with the RE regarding my results. We spoke with him over the phone on Wednesday and I was right. My results are showing that my ovaries are failing fast. He said we were so lucky to even have Max since we only had one embryo. He thinks it'd be a huge waste of our time and money to try and go through ivf and preparing a carrier again to only have no eggs or embryos next time. I started crying and wanted to scream. Why? Why? Why? Hasn't the world screwed me over enough in the having a living baby dept? The RE said we can do another blood test next month and see if anything changes, but he doubts it. Dereck thinks we should get a second opinion, but I don't even know if I can handle anymore of this. Like with getting pregnant again, their are just so many risks, money, and time involved that I don't know if I can mentally go through either of it again.

I have thought about doing an egg donor more. It sucks to have to use an egg donor and a carrier, but the baby would at least be biologically Derecks. I have also thought of looking into getting a donated embryo. The baby would not be biologically ours at all, but by using a carrier we trusted we could ensure that she would take good care of the baby and of course not be able to take the baby back. That is still a worry with me in adoption, but saying all this, I am kind of to the point of just being ready to adopt. I want more than one living child, and through adoption I will have a better chances of getting a living daughter. I know its a lot of work, stress, and money too, but also so different from the IVF and gestational carrier side of things. I have spoke to one of my blm friends who ended up adopting about her experience and already am looking into the adoption agency they went through. It doesn't hurt to look and too talk to people and know more about all our options, I just hate that they seem to keep getting more and more limited it seems. Because really a baby with spina bifida, fetal surgery, babyloss, a uterine rupture, another babyloss, IVF, and now learning my ovaries just straight up suck isn't enough to completely screw somebody up.

I also went back to grief group last night. I haven't been there in over a year. I think not since right after Evelynn died. Then I had to stop going because I just couldn't handle, well much of anything. Before the grief group was for anyone who had lost a child of any age, but now a group has been created specifically for people with pregnancy loss or very early infant loss. I think I might try to go again next month. It actually felt good to go and just get everything off my chest to all these women who understood more of what I was going through.

Well I guess that's all for now. Hopefully I can pull myself together a little more so that I can at least be a bit more cheery for Max this Christmas.

I saw this on facebook posted by another blm. How true it is.


  1. Sending you thoughts of peace, comfort and happiness in the days and weeks ahead!

  2. Hoping your able to find some peace in the coming days. We adopted our daughter several years after the loss of our son. We tried for so long to conceive again after him with nothing but more loss and disapointment. It was a rough time. Our decision to adopt wasn't easy for me but now it seems like she's always been here. (Came to live with us at 19 months old but we knew her since she was 6 weeks old as a foster child in the care of a family member)

  3. So sorry you're having to deal with this right now. It's so true that grief comes in waves, and it sounds like you've been smacked by a big one. I hope 2015 brings you some sort of solution to growing your family.

  4. For what it's worth, I think using an egg donor is a great way to build your family. Most days I don't even think about the fact that my two girls don't share my DNA. I just love them.

    Hang in there. Considering all you have been through it's no wonder that you have moments when it all seems too much.

  5. Oh man. First, that anchor photo choked me up, because that's EXACTLY what that's like. ugh.

    I can't begin to imagine how much of a fucking mind fuck all of this is. I wish it was so much easier for you. I wish your doctor had taken your complaints of pain seriously. I wish the MFM would have followed you closely. I wish your babies were all here.

    I do think Dereck's suggestion of getting a second opinion couldn't hurt. Otherwise I feel, like if I were in your shoes, I would have left the door open and never really know *for sure*. at least then you would have exhausted all your options. But I can appreciate how being told no is hurtful of course.


    Sending you love as you cascade through the holidays and into Liam's birthday. <3

  6. I adopted after baby loss, not because I didn't have a chance of getting pregnant, but because my heart just told me to go that way. I was also trying to conceive at the same time, but I got my (adopted) daughter before I got pregnant. I could try again, but I think I will go for a 2nd adoption if I want more children. It is just as scary, but in different ways. You have to respect the biological family as your child's other family, not more or less important than you. You have to share the title of mother, but I've come to love open adoption and see it as more rewarding than it is stressful.

    Good luck on whatever path you choose. Thinking of your babies.


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