Saturday, May 9, 2015

Her 3rd Birthday- a little late

April 22nd. I wish I could say the day was better than it was, but who would I be kidding. The. Day. Sucked. How is it that I can still have days where I deal with every aspect of the grief cycle, except acceptance? We still aren't there. I know I've been told a thousand times there isn't a right or wrong way to grieve, but I still feel like I am failing at it, badly. It didn't exactly help that it started out by Max vomiting all over me and later followed by a massive diaper explosion while out trying to do an errand. Then I just needed a moment to curse the world for never letting it be easy for me, which then makes me feel like a horrible mom. From there the horrible grief spiral progressed into lots of crying for my girl and wishing I could've just died instead. I had already started my week deciding I needed to move and start over. A new life. New everything. Where no one knows me. You know, because running from your issues is always the answer.

I had wanted to get a cake for Evelynn and talk to Max about his sisters birthday. Not sure how much he would understand about it yet, but I'm sure he'd love to eat the cake, and I really want to start celebrating ALL my kids birthdays. I should've known better, but of course I couldn't find anything at the places I checked that I thought would be Max friendly. In case I've never mentioned this before but he has issue with dairy, eggs, wheat, rye, and soy. With the morning I already had I didn't want to drive all over town searching for something that would work for him, so I was pretty upset when the few places I went seemed to not have anything he could eat dessert wise. So, I just cried some more and then never did anything the rest of the day for her. Utter fail.

In the past, I have always posted something on Facebook in regards to Liam and Evelynn's birthday. This year I did not, and not sure I will again. Lately, I have been having a very love hate relationship with Facebook. I love it for the important stuff like pictures of family and friends I don't get to see much. Absolutely disgusted by it for the amount of people that use it to whine and get attention on it. Since losing Liam and then Evelynn I have lost a lot of faith, religion/God wise. I believe in heaven and that I will see my babies again, but as far as prayer goes and people talking about how God granted them a miracle and thanks everyone who prayed, I think its just kind of a joke. And seriously, what is with everyone these days posting to get prayed for on facebook? I swear its like every 5th post I see. Then all the comments are "praying". I am sure I am going to piss a few really religious people off here, but all I want to know is how many people will actually sit and pray when they write that and how many people only comment that they are praying because they feel it is the right thing to do to leave a comment like that. I guess what I was getting at is that the last thing I want is for people to leave comments on a post about Evelynn's birthday, not even asking for prayers, that they are A) praying for her. Ummmm, last time I checked she is in Heaven and if not with me in the next best place. So, what are you praying for again? B) praying for me. Why are you praying for me? Are you worried I might still go crazy and off myself??? or praying that I'll finally "get over it" in terms of her dying. or C) you only leave a comment because you feel guilty if you don't, even though you don't really give a rats ass about the post, but hey, at least you'll feel better knowing you wrote something? I guess I'm just a big ol' biotch when it comes to protecting my heart and my daughter, as well as Liam. None of those comments mean anything to me. What means the most to me are the people that actually remember her birthday and go out of there way to actually contact me by other means than by social media. Sadly, there are very few that did.

Dereck was gone for work but did send flowers to her to our house. He is such a great dad and I know he misses his baby girl so much. Dereck's mom did visit Evelynn and let me know, and sent a picture, that she bought her a few things for her grave. I love so, so, so much that she did that.

Not saving her will always be my biggest regret in life. Suppose that's why I am so often still stuck in April 2012. I found this on her birthday looking for a picture of Max. She was perfect. Ugh.

April 23rd. This email came at just the right moment between Evelynn's birthday and passing day. I really, really needed it. Its crazy how someone you have never met can be the one person who makes a hard time better.

I came across your blog while looking for an appropriate quote to cherish my friends baby Abby who passed away 8 years ago. We are doing a walk for TEARS and I wanted something thoughtful to put on my dedication. I don't ever randomly email strangers but I found your website so touching. How could I not? Thank you for sharing your story.
I have one biological son, have suffered three miscarriages, and have adopted two beautiful children from the State. Everyone tells me that I am a wonderful person to have saved my two younger children.....but I always tell everyone that the truth is...they have saved me.
You are an amazing women. A Hero. You are Life after Loss. You are Hope. I am glad you have found happiness in your child (and future children). Adoption is a wonderful thing. I wish you all the best in your journey.
Bless you on your adoption journey. All the best.

This post is not about our adoption journey but she touched on something there with the they have saved me. There is just so much that people don't understand until they are in your shoes.

April 24th. Her passing day started out no different than any other day. I went about my day as usual. Playdate with Max, naptime, and also went to the health club. That night though, was another one of those unexpected moments that helped heal my heart. I was going to Prom 3.0 with some friends the next night and one of my friends had messaged me to let know that she had a few dresses that I could try on if I still needed a dress. I did, because trying to shop for a dress with a toddler is impossible. So, I got there and tried on the dresses, which didn't work, but that's besides the point. Anyways, they asked me to stay for dinner and then one of the girls brought up Evelynn. That's what we talked about for about the next 2 hours, and it was everything I needed and more that night. I thanked them so much for that. It's exactly what I needed.

So here I am finally finishing Evelynn's birthday post. Over 2 weeks since her birthday and now mother's day is here. I'm a bit bitter still about the mothers day after Liam and Evelynn passed but love having Max here with me. I'll leave it at that though. A friend did however post this on facebook and it speaks to me.
Love you forever baby girl. I think about you every day. I miss you so incredibly much and the little girl you'd be today.


  1. I'm sure there are some super religious clowns out there who will choose to take issue with you thoughts on praying comments, but screw'em! The people who have had to forge their own relationship with God through the crucibles of pain this life hands to some of us know just exactly what you mean, love you not "anyway", but because of how you feel.

    Remembering your sweet Liam, beautiful Evelyn, and celebrating Max with you, and hoping you have a pretty good Mother's Day. I wish you could hold them all in your arms together today!

  2. No words that will help. Just touched by your story and think of you and your angels as well as Max, frequently.

  3. I love this post. I love your honesty around the raw brutality of living life without our first kids. And I love love love that twice, you got what you needed in unexpected places. ESPECIALLY from a group of friends. Two hours? To talk about your daughter? With local people, active in your life? There is no better gift to give if this is the life we are forced to lead.
    Also your MIL is a little bit my hero for leaving things at Evelynn's grave. Go Derek's mom.
    Mother's Day is forever bittersweet and grief forever a part of our lives, however and whenever it shows up. You're not alone on either front. Not that that makes it easier, but in a way it does. At least knowing others 'get it', even if they aren't feeling what I am in the moment.
    Sure been thinking of you a lot. Will continue to do so.

  4. I'm much different religion-wise now, too. I wish I could say that it were better now almost 5 years later, but it's not. And you losing Liam and also Evelynn? Well, I'd be even more angry. I wouldn't expect you to be any less. It would totally piss me off if people wrote "praying" on a post about my dead son, so I get that for sure.

    Evelynn is loved by so many of us, but not possibly as much as her very own mother. I'm so sorry and will always be so deeply hurt that she's gone. It's really, really harsh (and insert ALL the expletives).

  5. Evelynn was beautiful and perfect, she looks like a sleeping princess in the pic you have of her on your sidebar.

    I agree with you about the "pray for me" issue. I'm on Instagram and there are a few women I follow who are constantly asking for prayers for this, that and the other. One woman was having a tooth worked on and asked for everyone to "pray" for's a tooth! Does she really think people are kneeling at their bedside praying for her tooth??? Glad to hear I'm not the only one irked by that.

  6. Like the comment above, I hate when people ask for prayers for such trivial things. I do pray, not all the time, but a few times a week, and what I pray for you (and actually will do, not just say it) is not that you feel better or find peace,but just that you get immense and genuine bits of happiness in addition to this unending sorrow. I hope this adoption ends well and that in the years to come Evelynns birthday is a happier day celebrated by her siblings.

    Loved that email you got, love your little girl. Missing her with you.


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