A Whole Lot Of Venting Going On Here

 A friend sent me a link to this blog called Blog A La Cart. I clicked on the link and saw this quote:

"Anyone can slay a dragon, he told me, but try waking up every morning and loving the world all over again. That's what takes a real hero."

I love it and I need to remember it always.

But for now I need to get a lot off my chest. Are you ready for the longest rant ever?

I am frustrated and I am angry. That is nothing new I suppose. Am I frustrated because I am always angry or maybe its that I'm always so angry because everything seems to frustrate me. Either way, I wish I could get get rid of it. Stop it somehow. It's always something lately and I feel like I'm getting that "I'm going crazy" feeling back.

The holidays definitely aren't helping. I hate the fact that once again I don't have my baby here. I'm not even pregnant. At least when I was pregnant I had hope that the next year would be different.

I did the Halloween thing. I didn't really want to, but a friend dragged me out. It turned out to be pretty fun, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about Evelynn all night and how she would have looked so adorable in her owl outfit we had for her. It really is the cutest thing ever.

As far as holiday gatherings go, well, Thanksgiving Dereck and I spent together. Just the two of us, and I am glad it was that way. We spent our afternoon cooking together. It wasn't your average thanksgiving dinner though. We made some amazing filet mignon and then some random side dishes that I wouldn't call amazing, but it was fun cooking things I normally wouldn't make. We thought about Evelynn. It would have been her first Thanksgiving and it also marked 7 months since she was born. My perfect little girl. I love you baby girl:)

At the beginning of November my work was already discussing our Christmas party. I had already decided months ago I wasn't participating in anything Christmas related. When I heard the details about our work one, I pretty much through a tantrum. My babies should be here. I should be adding there names and what they want to the gift list. Actually I shouldn't have even been invited because I should've been able to quit months ago because I should be at home with my daughter. Whatever. I am over it now. I am pretty certain Dereck and I are going to go now. Will I make it through dinner while everyone sits and talks about how cute my coworkers baby is? I guess we will see.

A couple of our friends are having there yearly Christmas parties as well, both of which I will not be attending. First because I want to be an unsociable grump and second because I refuse to watch all my friends ooo and aaah over a friends baby. At the one party last year this friend and I announced our pregnancies together to our friends that didn't already know. I just can't go. I can't do it.

Call me a grinch. I don't care. I am not happy. I want to be, and sometimes I try really hard to be. I try to be optimistic, to look on the bright side, to have some hope for the coming year, but I can only fake it for so long before I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. In the last couple of weeks I have learned about 3 new pregnancies, Derecks sister just had her baby last week, another friend just had her baby at the beginning of the month, and my sister is due in less than a week. I just want to run away.

I don't even no what to do about any of this. I am really happy that my one friend is pregnant. When I was pregnant with Evelynn I talked to her a lot about seeing an ob about some issues she was having because it was sounding similar to the issues I had. I am sad for me and I am sorry but I don't want to hear about your pregnancy at all:(

My other friend, if you want to call her that I guess, who had her baby at the beginning of the month, well she hasn't spoke to me since Evelynn's funeral. I got a text sometime after saying she pregnant. A text. No call. No ever checking in to see how I'm doing. I didn't even realize her baby was born until a friend pointed it out on Facebook.

Then there's Derecks sister. Yes, I'm happy for her, but sucks so much also. This probably sounds, I don't even know the word for it, rude maybe, but we planned on staying at her house when we did our fertility stuff because they live so close to the clinic. I hate to pay for a hotel when we have family that lives right there, but I can't be in a house for a couple weeks with a newborn baby. And I don't think the RE is going to approve of me consistently popping Xanax before my egg retrieval.

Now what to do about my sister. My sister hasn't talked to me since just after Evelynn's burial. It was very briefly when her and her husband and kids actually stopped by and saw Liam and Evelynn's graves. I guess I should be happy at least someone from my side of the family has finally saw where my babies are buried. But seriously no "how are you holding up" or "what's going on with the gestational carrier stuff". Nothing. I know I could be the bigger person and call first, but I don't. In all honesty I am just tired of my family as a whole. I don't even call my parents anymore. My mom calls maybe once a week. I see the call and have to force myself to answer it. I feel like I have nothing to say. They ask how I am doing. Which I don't quite understand why since when I tell them the honest truth about being sad I get ignored or told to be happy for once. If I mention anything related to my babies somehow the subject is always changed almost instantly. She tells me what's going on with them and talks about my nephews and now talks about my sister and how the baby will be here any day, because you know how much I want to hear about how the baby dropped 2cm at the last appt. I can't wait to hear the news when the baby is born so that they can all rub it in my face and not think twice about how it makes me feel. Ugh! To add to all of this, they no little to nothing about what's going on with the gestational carrier stuff. No one asks and I don't really tell, but I think its a good thing. When we go back to Minnesota for our egg retrieval I am considering not even telling them I am back in the state. The last thing I need before my egg retrieval is more stress.

Yup I am still going. I must sound like the most pathetic whiner ever!!!!

I am so frustrated with my fertility clinic right now. We have been talking to them about doing this since May and it seems like nothing is getting accomplished. I am to the point I am regretting using this clinic. I hated the fact that we had to wait at least 6 months to do a transfer, which is actually turning into 9 months, but when I found out that I could get some of the stuff done up her at my clinic in Alaska versus flying back to MN I thought they'd be perfect. That saves a lot of money in plane tickets. The other clinic, the one we were originally going to use, we wouldn't have even had to wait 6 months. Hell, there is a chance our carrier could even already be pregnant if we went with them. I feel like I made another bad decision. I hope it all works out though because I would hate to have to start over with a new clinic, but I feel like everything seems so unorganized there. I am seriously getting scared that we won't even make the January cycle anymore. GRRRR!

I am still trying to force myself to get out on a few runs each week with a friend and I've even gone to the gym a few times with her. I wish I could be doing more but my energy levels are ridiculously low. Although I will say after Dereck left for work this past week I went on 3 day cleaning spree in my house and it looks awesome. I finally have our dining room cleared out from all the crap we threw in it from the bedrooms from the water damage we had in them. I even got the nursery put back together. I sure do love that nursery. Anyways back to what I was saying about for the most part having very little energy or drive to do anything. I had another appt. with my Psychiatrist and talked to her about this. I think this is almost making me more frustrated, but she added another medication for me to take to help give me a little boost. I am trying to be good and listen to my doctors and believe they are doing whats best for me. A boost would be great. Feeling good feels great. What I don't like to hear is that if I were going to be the one who was pregnant she wouldn't prescribe me it because it isn't safe in pregnancy, but I should be fine since its just my eggs. I was worried about the Zoloft affecting my eggs and am told it is for the most part safe in pregnancy. I always tried to avoid being on meds and now the list keeps growing. I asked my Ob her thoughts and she thinks I need to take them and still says my mental state is going to have more of an effect on my eggs than the meds. So I just give in and do what I am told.

And lastly I am angry for my dear friend Claudia who had to say goodbye for now to another one of her beautiful babies. I am so sorry my friend.

Okay I am done now. I swear the next post will be better because it's going to be about the fundraiser. And it was awesome!

Oh and I will share my one bit of happy news for the day. I finally got my period! Are you all as excited as I am.

Baby Via Gestational Carrier Journey Update 4

It's been awhile since my last update, but not much has happened other than a lot of waiting.

Next on the list of things to get done was for me to get my u/s to get my ovaries accessed for the egg retrieval. My RE's office wanted me to schedule the u/s on cycle days 1-3. I stopped taking the birth control I was on while I was pumping and waited and waited and waited some more for my period to come. I should've know better than to think this step would have been an easy one to check off the list, afterall, one of my biggest issues with getting pregnant was that I never got my period and never ovulated without the help of medication.

After waiting for a couple of weeks and still no period, my RE's office put me on Provera for 10 days to force my body to get a period. The Provera has worked in the past, but not this time. On October 4th my RE's office said to just go ahead and get the u/s even though I never got a period. I was told that my lining is probably just really thin because of the Mocronor birth control I was on while pumping. That same day I also got my infectious disease panel done and put on the birth control that will be used for getting my cycle matched up with our carriers.

So I don't know why things just can't be easy but somehow there was an issue with my clinic up here getting the images to my RE's office. I was trying to be calm about it, but it was driving me crazy and we couldn't move forward until my RE saw those u/s images. Finally almost a month and a half after I got the u/s my RE was able to see those images. I was starting to freak out and was pretty certain that we were never going to make the January cycle because nothing works out for us. Like I said though, after waiting for what seemed like years, I got the call yesterday that everything looked good and we can keep moving forward.

Next on the list is for me and Dereck and Jessica and her husband to get appts with the social worker. Jessica still needs to get her infectious disease panel done and then Dereck is supposed to get another one done in December. We also have to get our contract wrapped up by the end of the year.

I have spoken with my lawyer and he wrote up a contract for us. I reviewed it, made some changes, and now it is with Jessica and her lawyer. So many parts of it seem unnecessary, but I get why they have them in there. I guess it could happen where the intended parents(Dereck and I) decide they don't want to pay the carrier's medical bills or they don't even want the baby in the end because of some sort of medical issue. Which is totally F'd up, but I guess its happened.
That's all for now. At least we are still moving forward and hopefully I will have a date for the egg retrieval soon.

6 Months and Catching Up on This Past Month

I have sat down to write so many times and I am never able to finish a post. I just don't know what my deal is. My blog just doesn't bring me the comfort it once did. Talking to friends, family, and counselors doesn't either though. I don't know why it is so hard for me to express my feelings these days either, but it is. I just can't find the words. I guess I just don't have anything to say that I haven't said a thousand times before. I am angry and I am sad. I want my children here. I want answers. I don't understand. But it is my goal to get everything that's been going on and in my mind out. So hopefully in the next few days there will be many posts from me. And I swear there will be a gestational carrier update soon.


I have been on the Zoloft for almost 8 weeks now and have met with my Psychiatrist twice since I started taking it. At the four week appt. I explained to her about all of the changes I had noticed so far. In those four weeks I had really mellowed out in terms of anxiety, which I feel really helped me in being able to focus on the fundraiser stuff. Fundraiser stuff just also really helped keep my mind occupied. Another big change that happened was with my appetite, like I didn't have one at all. I went days where I had to pretty much force myself to eat something. This lead to me losing quite a bit of weight, like down to about five pounds lighter than prepregnancy. Now don't get wrong, fitting into my old jeans that I haven't been able to wear in a couple of years is awesome, but the way I lost the weight, not so healthy. And I really want to get myself back to as healthy as possible before the egg retrieval.

I also talked to her about this inability of mine to be able to express my emotions and how I feel it is affecting the grieving of my daughter. I rarely ever cry and I still can't hardly look at her pictures. I don't really sit and blame myself anymore for what happened to her, but I also seem to have little interest in anything relating to her. I can tell you I love her. I love her so incredibly much, but my mind just wants to forget the nightmare. I think back on those first 6 months after Liam passed away. I cried nonstop. I loved looking at his pictures. I wanted to talk about him all the time. This blog gave me a place to express all my thoughts and to work through everything I was feeling. This blog also helped me to connect with so many others "who got it", when I felt so alone. I became obsessed with all things blm. Everything is just so different now. I know they are different babies and so I am going to grieve them differently and what brought me comfort last time may not be what helps comfort me this time. I also know that Liam was the first real big loss I had experienced so everything I felt was so new, so raw, so painful. My psychiatrist says that there is no doubt that I love my daughter and that she can see that I am grieving her just as hard as I did Liam, but since I have been through this before I am, in a way, a little desensitized to it all. I guess that makes sense, but I still can't help feeling like my daughter deserves more from me.


I have talked about how grief group doesn't seem to help me much anymore and so I haven't really been going. I went once by myself toward the end of September and there were all these new people there, which is totally sad in itself, but since there were all these new people with new stories of loss I just felt like I couldn't share anything.
The next group meeting was at the beginning of October. I didn't feel like going but Dereck thought it would be good to go since he was in town to actually make one. When we got there Dereck went to use the bathroom and I went ahead into the group meeting room. There were only two other people in there. One of the girls in the room just so happened to be a blm who lost her son exactly one month after I lost Liam. She came to group for about 6 months and then stopped coming, but her and I kept in contact this past year. She got pregnant with her rainbow a couple months after I got pregnant with Evelynn. Well, she gave birth to her little boy a little over a month ago. Yes, I am happy for her that her baby lived, but as soon as I saw her I could feel the sadness start to creep in. Then the other lady who was there, who I have also known from group since I first started going, had to start asking questions about her baby, and I lost it. I had to get up and walk out. I saw Dereck just as he was walking out of the bathroom and told him that we needed to leave. We saw our grief group coordinator just before she went into the room and told her through my tears that I just couldn't handle seeing that girl and that we were leaving. I felt horrible leaving because I knew that girl would know why I left.

I was always so worried talking about my pregnancy with Evelynn at group because I was afraid of how it would make others feel, but everyone was always so supportive of me. They wanted to see me bring home a healthy living baby and even wanted me to come to group after she was born if I needed to. So, in a way, I feel like an ass, but I can't help but feel angry. My baby is supposed to be here too. She sent me a message the next day telling me she too felt horrible that me seeing her upset me so much. She has every right to be at group, and now she feels horrible because she upset me by coming. We have since messaged each other back and forth about this, but I just wish this could be easier and that things didn't have to be like this.

The next day at work I was in an extra angry mood. I felt like I wanted to destroy something. I decided to get out of town and spend the weekend with a couple friends at there cabin. I actually had a pretty fun weekend and calmed down a lot. I kind of calmed down to the point though that I think it turned into plain old depression. That whole next week I didn't want to get out of bed. I just had no interest in doing really much of anything. I just wanted to sleep, and 12+ hours didn't seem like enough. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to be sociable with anyone. I just wanted to be alone and pout.

This past Monday then I once again ventured into the land of what should be happy times marking the day my daughter turns another month older, this month being the big ole six months:( So many of my blm friends sent me messages letting me know they were thinking of me and Evelynn. That definintely brightened those days a little. I hadn't had any dreams of Evelynn in a really long time and the ones I had in the past were bad dreams. The night of the 22nd Evelynn visited me. It might have only been a dream but it was great being able to spend some time with her.

My sweet Evelynn, I love you baby girl.

On the 23rd I had a 7 week follow up appt. with my Psychiatrist. I told her about how down I have felt lately and how the holidays being just around the corner is already stressing me out. I still have had little desire to want to talk anyone or do much of anything. I have forced myself to at least start jogging again, with a friend of course, because I have little motivation to anything exercise related alone. My appetite has also came back so the exercise is much needed since I am a major emotional eater. My psychiatrist decided that my dose of Zoloft might have affected me a lot at the bgininning but overall it was a pretty small dose and it seemed to her that I kind of plateaud with it. She decided that since I have been so down lately that my dose should be doubled. So now I am taking double what I was. So far I haven't noticed a change.

I just really need to get out of this unsociable, uncaring about much of anyone or anything state. I am sure my friends are probably getting a little tired of my negative attitude as well. I am jealous of the people who's blogs I read that have had similar losses that seem to be able to find some happiness despite everything. I am just stuck. Ugh!

"The tragedy of life is not death...but what we let die inside of us while we live."
-unknown-

Remembering the Light

Monday October 8 was the Remembering the Light Ceremony. Dereck, our friends Brooke and Liz, and I made lanterns for Liam and Evelynn. These two friends both made lanterns last year for Liam and now this year wanted to make ones for Liam and Evelynn. I just love that they love and miss my babies so much. Last year during this event I was also pregnant with Evelynn. I just can't believe that this year Evelynn needed a lantern also.

 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day 2012

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. It is also the Wave of Light. Tonight at 7pm I will be participating in it by lighting a candle for Liam and Evelynn as I remember them and all the other babies who left too soon.

"If you know someone who has lost a child and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift." -Elizabeth Edwards