I haven't talked about the NICU in awhile, actually haven't even worked that many shifts lately. This is partly because I was out of town for Liam's burial for a few of my shifts and then Dereck and I were both sick so I was not able to go in. On the days I have made it in, like this afternoon for instance, I have felt little to no desire to really be there.
Recently it has seemed that every baby I have been holding has coincidentally been born at the same number of weeks and approx. the same weight as Liam was. These babies are still in the NICU and are now 1-3 months old. I am happy that they are still fighting and growing and have made such progress since they were born so early, but it pains me all at the same time. Why does it seem to be bothering me more now than it did a few months ago when I first started?
When I first started volunteering in the NICU I wanted so badly to make Liam proud and do whatever I could do to help other little babies thrive since I could no longer do that for my own son. A few months later I still think the program is phenomenal but feeling like my need to want to be in the NICU was beyond just trying to help other babies. I'm starting to feel like maybe it had more to do with me trying to fill this void I was missing in my own life. That since I couldn't hold and cuddle Liam then I could go to the NICU and do that with another baby, and for those 2 hours that void could be filled.
I had said in the beginning that other happy babies with their happy families bothered the crap out of me, but yet I could handle the babies in the NICU fine. So what has changed with me? Is it because I have seen so many babies recently that have been so close to Liam's number of weeks at birth doing so well. Knowing that if he wouldn't have died in surgery that day that he could be continuing to grow just like these babies. I am thinking it also might be related to the fact that I am ttc again. I know I can volunteer in there through my next pregnancy but just don't think I could handle it. I thought about asking if I could work less hours but I think even being in there I am going to get paranoid that if one of the babies has an infection somehow it'll spread to my growing baby. I also don't want to bail on them either. The hospital had to pay to get us fingerprinted and do orientations with us at no cost to us and I also had to get extra shots to be in the NICU. They also wanted at least a 6 month commitment.
I have also been thinking about my next baby and how this will most likely be the hospital I will deliver him at. Liam of course was not delivered here since we had the surgery in San Francisco and there was not a neurosurgeon in Alaska that would have been able to give Liam the care he would have needed as a Spina Bifida baby even if we would have chose to not do the surgery. So even though I haven't delivered in this hospital before I know the NICU and in the 9 months of carrying my next baby if I were to stay volunteering I will know it even better. Which I guess could be a good thing but I don't know if I want to get that close to any of the nurses there. I don't talk to them much now but what if I am pregnant and showing and then they start asking questions about other children, etc. Do I tell them? I mean they are NICU nurses, I am sure they have seen and heard there fair share of sick or dying baby stories. I guess I am thinking too far ahead but thinking about what if I don't get my happy ending next time or that baby is in the NICU for long periods of time.
I know I am thinking way too much about this, can't help it, its the paranoid, crazy, worrier in me. I can guarantee one thing though and that is if I continue in the NICU until I have my next baby, no matter how early he/s he is born, I'll have had plenty of experience holding preemies and have a little bit of a good knowledge base of what they need when they are that small.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
I felt pretty blah today, actually been feeling this way for weeks, and have been completely neglecting my dogs this past week. Tonight I actually made plans with 3 friends to get out for a 5+ mile hike on some pretty hilly terrain, which is good for me because I have been so lazy lately and really out of shape from what I used to be. About 2.5 miles into my walk I hear my dog yelp and immediately turn and look back at her and my poor Sadie's face is completely covered in porcupine quills. We tried yanking them out the best we could but she was not having it. We did manage to get a good chunk of them out but realized I just needed to take her to the pet ER.
So then I start stressing again thinking about how much its going to cost to have to get her sedated so the vet can take them out. I decided to go for a short walk and then played on my phone in the car for awhile but then just decided to sit inside till she was ready to leave. Figures with my luck tonight the place is packed and the only seat open is next to a carseat with a little baby boy in it. For the next 15 minutes until Sadie was ready to leave I got to hear the mom talk in cute little voices to her baby and in response he was just giggling up a storm. I wanted to barf:( So now I am sad about Sadie and now ready to cry having to listen to that boy make the cutest little gurgle sounds ever. Has anyone else ever wanted to just look at someone with there baby when they are playing with them and just tell them to stop making those sounds because they are driving you nuts, because that is exactly what I wanted to do?
I am now home with my dogs and feel horrible for Sadie. I also am in a really pissy mood now. I know its not the end of the world and things can be worse-I know- but I really wanted just to have a good night out hiking with some girlfriends.
Liam,
Mommy sat and listened to a little baby boy make some pretty cute gurgly sounds tonight. I feel like since losing you this is the first time I have heard a baby make any sound at all beyond crying, maybe I've always just been able to block it out before. I hate knowing that I will never get to see you smile and never hear your sweet giggle. I'll never get the chance to look at you and make goofy faces, find your ticklish spot, or blow on your belly in hopes it will get you to make cute baby gurgly sounds for me. I have pictures of you which I am so grateful for, but I have no memory of any kind of giggle or cry or any sound at all, just silence.
Mommy is just sad and missing you.
I love you little buddy.
Love always,
Mom
 |
| This was after we pulled a bunch out. The roof of her mouth is full of quills also |
I am now home with my dogs and feel horrible for Sadie. I also am in a really pissy mood now. I know its not the end of the world and things can be worse-I know- but I really wanted just to have a good night out hiking with some girlfriends.
Liam,
Mommy sat and listened to a little baby boy make some pretty cute gurgly sounds tonight. I feel like since losing you this is the first time I have heard a baby make any sound at all beyond crying, maybe I've always just been able to block it out before. I hate knowing that I will never get to see you smile and never hear your sweet giggle. I'll never get the chance to look at you and make goofy faces, find your ticklish spot, or blow on your belly in hopes it will get you to make cute baby gurgly sounds for me. I have pictures of you which I am so grateful for, but I have no memory of any kind of giggle or cry or any sound at all, just silence.
Mommy is just sad and missing you.
I love you little buddy.
Love always,
Mom
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Ob Appointment And Feeling Pretty Positive
Well I had my appointment this morning with my Ob Dr. I was a little nervous going into it since I was fearing she would just think I am crazy and had been trying to convince myself last night that there has to be at least a few other people that she has seen that have gone through what I have and have had many of the same concerns when ttc again. I'd assume so at least.
So I told her all of my concerns and she mainly just told me to not change anything from the last pregnancy, which I have been told before, and actually frustrates me a little because I feel if I don't make even small changes and the next pregnancy goes to hell I'll really blame myself.
She also told me I need to get the hell off the internet and quit googling so much. I already know this but I am an information seeker. Think I'll definitely try and cut back though because I have been doing all this excess research about every last little thing that could or could not somehow cause an issue to a growing fetus and really it is just making me more stressed. I just hate it when I read something and my mind gets so locked on it that I can't even think about anything else.
I can honestly say though that after talking to her I have calmed down so much. I no longer feel that crazy urge to want to buy only certain types of lotions and vitamins and other crap because I've read they are the best for pregnancy, since according to my Dr. the majority of people use the same stuff sold on most store shelves and there babies are fine. It's true. Nobody I know that has a healthy living child bought anything special beyond what they were already using everyday in there lives before they were pregnant. So why should I? So now how do I go about never letting anymore of those thoughts like that consume me again, hmmmm?
She did a pelvic exam on me since I have been having so much bleeding in the past month and a half- bled/spotted 32 out of 45 days-yuck. But I guess I can't complain too much since just a year ago my biggest issue was that I barely had a period for 2 1/2 years followed by no ovulating. She said everything feels right other than my uterus is sitting a little off to one side but most likely is caused from scar tissue but nothing to be concerned about.
Finally we talked about the dates for ttc in a few weeks. Things have changed a little. I am now going to stop talking the pill on the 12th, hopefully get my period right way or within a day or so. Then on the 14th I have scheduled an ultrasound to take a look at the follicles and if everything looks good start the clomid again for period days 3-7. We are not going to do an IUI this month. My Dr. said that my body can obviously get pregnant and thinks if we get the ovulation days right things could work out and if they don't then we could possibly try an IUI the following month. She does however still want me to give myself the lovely shot in the stomach to make the follicles burst just before ovulation time.
So there you have it. I feel good and confident now about the next few weeks and glad I made that appointment with her. I have the best OB Dr. ever!
Today I also had my dentist appt. After reading so many other peoples blogs about there dentist bringing up the pregnancy I was a little nervous since last time most of us were in for a check up we were all pregnant and should have our babies with us, not in heaven. My hygienist ended up asking me about my baby right away and how things were going with him. As with most times I get asked this I handle it pretty well. Really I feel like they feel more bad about asking then I do about telling them that he passed away. She felt really bad and talked to me a bit about it and then we carried on with my exam.
So I told her all of my concerns and she mainly just told me to not change anything from the last pregnancy, which I have been told before, and actually frustrates me a little because I feel if I don't make even small changes and the next pregnancy goes to hell I'll really blame myself.
She also told me I need to get the hell off the internet and quit googling so much. I already know this but I am an information seeker. Think I'll definitely try and cut back though because I have been doing all this excess research about every last little thing that could or could not somehow cause an issue to a growing fetus and really it is just making me more stressed. I just hate it when I read something and my mind gets so locked on it that I can't even think about anything else.
I can honestly say though that after talking to her I have calmed down so much. I no longer feel that crazy urge to want to buy only certain types of lotions and vitamins and other crap because I've read they are the best for pregnancy, since according to my Dr. the majority of people use the same stuff sold on most store shelves and there babies are fine. It's true. Nobody I know that has a healthy living child bought anything special beyond what they were already using everyday in there lives before they were pregnant. So why should I? So now how do I go about never letting anymore of those thoughts like that consume me again, hmmmm?
She did a pelvic exam on me since I have been having so much bleeding in the past month and a half- bled/spotted 32 out of 45 days-yuck. But I guess I can't complain too much since just a year ago my biggest issue was that I barely had a period for 2 1/2 years followed by no ovulating. She said everything feels right other than my uterus is sitting a little off to one side but most likely is caused from scar tissue but nothing to be concerned about.
Finally we talked about the dates for ttc in a few weeks. Things have changed a little. I am now going to stop talking the pill on the 12th, hopefully get my period right way or within a day or so. Then on the 14th I have scheduled an ultrasound to take a look at the follicles and if everything looks good start the clomid again for period days 3-7. We are not going to do an IUI this month. My Dr. said that my body can obviously get pregnant and thinks if we get the ovulation days right things could work out and if they don't then we could possibly try an IUI the following month. She does however still want me to give myself the lovely shot in the stomach to make the follicles burst just before ovulation time.
So there you have it. I feel good and confident now about the next few weeks and glad I made that appointment with her. I have the best OB Dr. ever!
Today I also had my dentist appt. After reading so many other peoples blogs about there dentist bringing up the pregnancy I was a little nervous since last time most of us were in for a check up we were all pregnant and should have our babies with us, not in heaven. My hygienist ended up asking me about my baby right away and how things were going with him. As with most times I get asked this I handle it pretty well. Really I feel like they feel more bad about asking then I do about telling them that he passed away. She felt really bad and talked to me a bit about it and then we carried on with my exam.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
5 Months And Feeling A Little Crazy
This month I have mentioned that we are going to start trying to have another baby. I know I have said that I am over the blame stage but I still can't help to believe that I could have made some better choices when I was pregnant. I feel like I am even making myself crazy right now because I am so afraid something is going to go wrong again. I know that doctors said I was healthy and did everything right when I was pregnant with Liam, but no one knows what happened with him and so I will always wonder if it was something I did. Spina Bifida? Heart Stopping in surgery? Who Knows?
It seems as if my days are filled with either work, appointments, or other baby related things. Like I said I am trying to do everything to make sure I go into the next pregnancy in perfect health and to stay that way. So I will expand on my craziness that I am feeling right now and for any of you reading this let me know if you think this sounds sensible for me thinking and doing these things after what I've been through or if I really am just going nuts.
-Seeing a Naturopath Doctor. I mentioned a few posts ago that I went and saw one to see what there opinion was on why I was having infertility issues with my last pregnancy and if she has any suggestions on helping me be in the best health possible and hopefully get prego asap. After my first visit I felt disappointed with the ND but when I came back and saw her and we went over my blood work results I felt much better. I also had a lot of questions and was happy to get them all answered. Since I have been seeing her I have been taking different prenatal and fish oil vitamins. Ones that she says are better, along with loads of vitamin D, extra iron, and a few others. It sounds like a lot but she says I will get the most out of these supplements which is what I need for my next pregnancy. I'd like to say I completely believe that these supplements are better than what I was taking and that they aren't just trying to push the ones they sell, because they are spendy. She also put me on this whole body detox diet, where I pretty much don't eat anything with an allergen. So no gluten(no wheat, barley, rye), corn, dairy, peanut butter, honey, eggs, soy, beef, shellfish, and a few others. I also drink this protein powder. It is a 3 week plan and right now I am in the middle of week 2. I can have no meat this week and have to have the protein powder 3x a day. I have been having a lot of smoothies lately and its getting really old. More than anything I would like a cup of coffee. I miss it more than I miss chocolate right now. Does this sound crazy? I'd like to believe she is having me do this because she really believes it will help my health and to get pregnant.
-I am still seeing a counselor about once a week, although since my last counselor left the country a month ago, I had saw a psychiatrist these past few weeks. I talked with her about my fears and anxiety about a future pregnancy and my grief with Liam to see if she thought I would benefit better being on medication for the next pregnancy. I don't want to be on any drugs, but I am also afraid that if I am too stressed it will affect the baby and I don't want that either. She doesn't feel I need anything but wrote me a prescription for Zoloft if I felt I needed it. I thought about it and talked to Dereck about it and decided I just don't want to be on any drugs when I am pregnant. So now I am back to searching for another counselor, and hope I find one that I like soon. Luckily I have grief group this week.
-Still been doing acupuncture. Don't really feel like its helping but I'd like to believe it is, so I will continue to do it until I am pregnant.
-I am seeing my Ob Dr. on Tuesday to discuss the game plan for doing our IUI and Clomid this month and also get some of my questions answered. I have a lot of questions, she might think I am crazy also when I share them with her. Here are a few of the things I will be asking her about: Body and face lotions-should I buy all natural or organic, nothing with parabens, phthalathes, sulfates, pterochemicals-all things that I have heard that are not good for you when pregnant? No more buying household cleaners, feel like I need to revert back to the time of baking soda and vinegar for all my cleaning? No more plastic water bottles, buying all stainless steel from now on-BPA free? oh, there's more than this even.
So do I sound crazy yet? I got to quit reading the internet so much because everywhere I look there is something stating something about being bad to have when pregnant and I don't know what to believe or do but I really just want a HEALTHY LIVING BABY!
My sweet Liam,
I can't believe I didn't write to you yesterday. I try to be so good about writing you a letter on the 3rd of every month and actually forgot- bad mom:( Well its been 5 whole months little buddy, I can't believe it. I still miss you so incredibly much and think about you daily. I hoped you loved all the flowers from the burial and also the ones from Memorial Day.
I love you,
Mom
It seems as if my days are filled with either work, appointments, or other baby related things. Like I said I am trying to do everything to make sure I go into the next pregnancy in perfect health and to stay that way. So I will expand on my craziness that I am feeling right now and for any of you reading this let me know if you think this sounds sensible for me thinking and doing these things after what I've been through or if I really am just going nuts.
-Seeing a Naturopath Doctor. I mentioned a few posts ago that I went and saw one to see what there opinion was on why I was having infertility issues with my last pregnancy and if she has any suggestions on helping me be in the best health possible and hopefully get prego asap. After my first visit I felt disappointed with the ND but when I came back and saw her and we went over my blood work results I felt much better. I also had a lot of questions and was happy to get them all answered. Since I have been seeing her I have been taking different prenatal and fish oil vitamins. Ones that she says are better, along with loads of vitamin D, extra iron, and a few others. It sounds like a lot but she says I will get the most out of these supplements which is what I need for my next pregnancy. I'd like to say I completely believe that these supplements are better than what I was taking and that they aren't just trying to push the ones they sell, because they are spendy. She also put me on this whole body detox diet, where I pretty much don't eat anything with an allergen. So no gluten(no wheat, barley, rye), corn, dairy, peanut butter, honey, eggs, soy, beef, shellfish, and a few others. I also drink this protein powder. It is a 3 week plan and right now I am in the middle of week 2. I can have no meat this week and have to have the protein powder 3x a day. I have been having a lot of smoothies lately and its getting really old. More than anything I would like a cup of coffee. I miss it more than I miss chocolate right now. Does this sound crazy? I'd like to believe she is having me do this because she really believes it will help my health and to get pregnant.
-I am still seeing a counselor about once a week, although since my last counselor left the country a month ago, I had saw a psychiatrist these past few weeks. I talked with her about my fears and anxiety about a future pregnancy and my grief with Liam to see if she thought I would benefit better being on medication for the next pregnancy. I don't want to be on any drugs, but I am also afraid that if I am too stressed it will affect the baby and I don't want that either. She doesn't feel I need anything but wrote me a prescription for Zoloft if I felt I needed it. I thought about it and talked to Dereck about it and decided I just don't want to be on any drugs when I am pregnant. So now I am back to searching for another counselor, and hope I find one that I like soon. Luckily I have grief group this week.
-Still been doing acupuncture. Don't really feel like its helping but I'd like to believe it is, so I will continue to do it until I am pregnant.
-I am seeing my Ob Dr. on Tuesday to discuss the game plan for doing our IUI and Clomid this month and also get some of my questions answered. I have a lot of questions, she might think I am crazy also when I share them with her. Here are a few of the things I will be asking her about: Body and face lotions-should I buy all natural or organic, nothing with parabens, phthalathes, sulfates, pterochemicals-all things that I have heard that are not good for you when pregnant? No more buying household cleaners, feel like I need to revert back to the time of baking soda and vinegar for all my cleaning? No more plastic water bottles, buying all stainless steel from now on-BPA free? oh, there's more than this even.
So do I sound crazy yet? I got to quit reading the internet so much because everywhere I look there is something stating something about being bad to have when pregnant and I don't know what to believe or do but I really just want a HEALTHY LIVING BABY!
My sweet Liam,
I can't believe I didn't write to you yesterday. I try to be so good about writing you a letter on the 3rd of every month and actually forgot- bad mom:( Well its been 5 whole months little buddy, I can't believe it. I still miss you so incredibly much and think about you daily. I hoped you loved all the flowers from the burial and also the ones from Memorial Day.
I love you,
Mom
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
