Saturday, June 4, 2011

5 Months And Feeling A Little Crazy

This month I have mentioned that we are going to start trying to have another baby. I know I have said that I am over the blame stage but I still can't help to believe that I could have made some better choices when I was pregnant. I feel like I am even making myself crazy right now because I am so afraid something is going to go wrong again. I know that doctors said I was healthy and did everything right when I was pregnant with Liam, but no one knows what happened with him and so I will always wonder if it was something I did. Spina Bifida? Heart Stopping in surgery? Who Knows?
It seems as if my days are filled with either work, appointments, or other baby related things. Like I said I am trying to do everything to make sure I go into the next pregnancy in perfect health and to stay that way. So I will expand on my craziness that I am feeling right now and for any of you reading this let me know if you think this sounds sensible for me thinking and doing these things after what I've been through or if I really am just going nuts.

-Seeing a Naturopath Doctor. I mentioned a few posts ago that I went and saw one to see what there opinion was on why I was having infertility issues with my last pregnancy and if she has any suggestions on helping me be in the best health possible and hopefully get prego asap. After my first visit I felt disappointed with the ND but when I came back and saw her and we went over my blood work results I felt much better. I also had a lot of questions and was happy to get them all answered. Since I have been seeing her I have been taking different prenatal and fish oil vitamins. Ones that she says are better, along with loads of vitamin D, extra iron, and a few others. It sounds like a lot but she says I will get the most out of these supplements which is what I need for my next pregnancy. I'd like to say I completely believe that these supplements are better than what I was taking and that they aren't just trying to push the ones they sell, because they are spendy. She also put me on this whole body detox diet, where I pretty much don't eat anything with an allergen. So no gluten(no wheat, barley, rye), corn, dairy, peanut butter, honey, eggs, soy, beef, shellfish, and a few others. I also drink this protein powder. It is a 3 week plan and right now I am in the middle of week 2. I can have no meat this week and have to have the protein powder 3x a day. I have been having a lot of smoothies lately and its getting really old. More than anything I would like a cup of coffee. I miss it more than I miss chocolate right now. Does this sound crazy? I'd like to believe she is having me do this because she really believes it will help my health and to get pregnant.
-I am still seeing a counselor about once a week, although since my last counselor left the country a month ago, I had saw a psychiatrist these past few weeks. I talked with her about my fears and anxiety about a future pregnancy and my grief with Liam to see if she thought I would benefit better being on medication for the next pregnancy. I don't want to be on any drugs, but I am also afraid that if I am too stressed it will affect the baby and I don't want that either. She doesn't feel I need anything but wrote me a prescription for Zoloft if I felt I needed it. I thought about it and talked to Dereck about it and decided I just don't want to be on any drugs when I am pregnant. So now I am back to searching for another counselor, and hope I find one that I like soon. Luckily I have grief group this week.
-Still been doing acupuncture. Don't really feel like its helping but I'd like to believe it is, so I will continue to do it until I am pregnant.
-I am seeing my Ob Dr. on Tuesday to discuss the game plan for doing our IUI and Clomid this month and also get some of my questions answered. I have a lot of questions, she might think I am crazy also when I share them with her. Here are a few of the things I will be asking her about: Body and face lotions-should I buy all natural or organic, nothing with parabens, phthalathes, sulfates, pterochemicals-all things that I have heard that are not good for you when pregnant? No more buying household cleaners, feel like I need to revert back to the time of baking soda and vinegar for all my cleaning? No more plastic water bottles, buying all stainless steel from now on-BPA free? oh, there's more than this even.

So do I sound crazy yet? I got to quit reading the internet so much because everywhere I look there is something stating something about being bad to have when pregnant and I don't know what to believe or do but I really just want a HEALTHY LIVING BABY!

My sweet Liam,
I can't believe I didn't write to you yesterday. I try to be so good about writing you a letter on the 3rd of every month and actually forgot- bad mom:(  Well its been 5 whole months little buddy, I can't believe it. I still miss you so incredibly much and think about you daily. I hoped you loved all the flowers from the burial and also the ones from Memorial Day.
I love you,


  1. You don't sound crazy at all... just a loving mum wanting to be the best mum possible... BUT be gentle on yourself. You are not to blame for what happened and it's great to get healthy, but equally don't miss/do things that are going to make you stressed. I miss coffee too... but allow myself the occasional cup to keep my sanity and not completely deprive myself. Millions of women have given birth to healthy kids without worrying about all the things that we worry about and do to our diets etc.... so still do/eat things you enjoy :)) With on this journey every step of the way xoxo

  2. I was much like you when we got pregnant with our rainbow baby. But I trusted my OB so much and knew she wouldnt let anything happen. After all, she was the only one that told us what was going on every step of the way after our Parker was delivered. Have faith. And most importantly trust your gut. If you feel like something isn't right, question it. Dont wait. Your Dr's have on call numbers for a reason! ((hugs))

  3. F, if you're crazy, so am I! :)

    I find one of the greatest injustices that we (the good mums) are sitting here worrying about what could have been with our babies, and yet there are crackheads and alcoholics who don't give a f* about their babies and those ones are born healthy (albeit with some problems). Blows my mind.

    I suggest doing what you can, as much as you can, and then try not to worry. Unfortunately, as we know all too well, there's not a lot we can do in the end. F.

  4. You aren't alone in feeling crazy. We have been trying off and on for almost a year now since Jacob was born (I got pregnant twice during that time, and lost both babies....5 weeks and 10 weeks). My OB assured me that I didn't do anything wrong with Jacob. But I have beat myself up about it. Someone some amniotic bands broke off, although no one know why they do....they have never been able to figure out a cause. Although I was extremely careful during my pregnancy, maybe I shouldn't have picked up my 20lb nephew? Maybe I bent over too many times? It sounds ridiculous to even write those things, but they are both things I won't be doing next time.

    I don't think it is nuts to do any of the things you listed. They can't hurt and, I hate to say this, but if you do lose another baby, you will know that you did everything possible, Not that you didn't before, but having experienced a loss, even though it was NOT your fault, it feels like you have to do something more. I do anyway.

    When I got pregnant the 3rd time, I lay on the couch and cried most nights. I was grateful for that baby, but I worried that Jacob would feel replaced and I worried that something would go wrong and my hormones were a little crazy anyway. I was 5 months out from Jacob's death when I got pregnant that time. I think I would be in better shape now, being a year out. But who knows. I just wanted to tell you that might happen.

    I've been seeing an infertility specialist and asked him about acupuncture and he said that he believes it can help to get pregnant, so I am going to start it soon.

    I have had to same thoughts about body and face lotions! Even dish detergent, laundry detergent, shampoo, deodorant, what soap to use in the shower. I'm going to ask some people who have had successful pregnancies, find out what they used and then use the same thing.

  5. In all of your blood work did they test for a genetic issue called MTHFR? My mom had the mildest form of Spina Bifida and it was because my grandmother had MTHFR. Consequently, my mom now has MTHFR and I have it as well. It is when your body blocks all the folic acid and things necessary to keep the baby from getting neural tube defects. I have to take 4000 times the amount in order to get the right amount. I would just maybe ask about it...I really don't mean to make you worry any more than you already are but I just wanted to see if this helped...if not, then I'm sorry for even bringing it up. It can be checked through a simple blood test and they don't check for genetic disorders at a normal ob appointment unless there have been multiple miscarriages or a lot of first trimester bleeding or if it's requested. It's a lot more common than I thought and my specialist even has it. Anyway, just let me know if you have any other questions..just here to help if at all possible. I'm praying for you and your family.

  6. Jamie I had never heard of MTHFR till now. I don't think I've been tested for that but will bring it up to my Ob when I go in on Tuesday. Thanks

  7. Becky, I'd get all the testing and checking you can. I've also heard of MTHFR and would suggest you get tested for that as well. I know it is so hard to be in that place of wondering. I hope you have success on the first try and that you have good news to share with us soon. Hugs to you.

  8. You do not sound crazy at all! You're just trying to do everything in your power to bring home a healthy baby. Just don't stress yourself out or blame yourself for what happened with Liam. I know it's hard not to, though. Thinking about you as you meet with your OB on Tuesday. Keeping you guys in my thoughts and prayers as you start TTC again!

  9. I don't think you sound crazy - I think you sound like a grieving and scared mama. Subsequent pregnancies are so scary and I don't think it's crazy to try to deal with some of these issues now. Do what you feel you need to do, but go easy on yourself, too. xx

  10. sounds like your schedule is pretty full. don't forget to b.r.e.a.t.h.e.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...