Sunday, February 13, 2011

Blame and Guilt

Dereck and I haven't gone to Church much in the past but had always planned on going more once we had kids. We had gone once before we left for San Francisco and have tried to go every Sunday since we have been back in Alaska. When we had first learned of Liam having Spina Bifida I was already starting to play the blame game, not blame anyone else, but blame myself that it was my fault that this happened to him. After he passed away I was back at the blaming again. I was blaming myself for feeling selfish that maybe I wanted the surgery more to just to make my life easier. Which in a way I guess it would have been easier but that's because Liam's life would have been better from the prenatal surgery. I was also blaming God and the world that there was some reason that he did this to me and I am getting punished for things that I have done in my past. I know that it is not true but sometimes it is easier to blame someone or something than to want to accept that somethings just happen for reasons we will never know. So this morning before Church I had made an appointment with the Priest to talk to him about these feelings I have been having. Talked, well mostly cried, for about an hour and even did confession which I haven't done for about 13 years. I feel like I am always going to be searching for an answer that will never come. Went to Mass after that but could only think about the talk I had with the Father and my Liam.
Once we got home we were both pretty tired and laid around most of the afternoon. So it is now 8:45pm and I had wanted to work on the page Liam's Journey some more and even start typing out some of the letters I had wrote to Liam around the time of his funeral. I am finding it hard to want to read my journal though. I had started to read a page of it just before sitting down to type this out and instantly was filled with sadness. Maybe its because I am overly tired or maybe its because I laid around all afternoon watching movies and feel guilty that I didn't think enough of my baby Liam. Anytime in the past few weeks that I manage to get through any number of hours without him constantly on my mind I start to feel so much guilt like I am afraid I am betraying him or forgetting about him. But then when I spend multiple hours just crying I wonder when all this crying is going to end.

1 comment:

  1. You honor Liam by keeping him in your heart, don't feel guilty if he's not always in the front of your thoughts. I'm sure like my Kristen, he's always there tucked in the back of your mind! Going through hours without thinking about him constantly is a sign of healing... embrace it! I'm sure Liam knows how strongly he's loved, and always will be!
    Thinking of you guys, and wishing you strength and peace this Valentines day.


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