Sunday, July 10, 2011

Losing My Mind

I just hate this! I feel so frigging paranoid about anything and everything these days. I thought I was bad before but tonight I am a complete wreck. I have been crying for over an hour already about how I'm so worried that if I am pregnant I have already probably ruined that babies chances of not having a birth defect. I am not even 100% sure I am pregnant yet and I am just going nuts. I wish I could just hide out somewhere away from everything that could possibly pose a threat to my maybe baby. I probably just sound crazy and the worst thing is that the more I think about something that could or could not harm a fetus the more I need to research about it. I do this way to much but here I was again reading different baby books and looking online making myself more scared that I am doing everything wrong.
So here is what has got me freaking out this time:
Bell peppers got aphids. Freaked out because they are covered in these bugs and want to get rid of them now. Find old bug insecticide that I bought last year and cover all sides of my plants. Also end up wiping all the leaves off by hand with a cloth to remove supposed dead bugs. Try to be safe and wear gloves and keep windows open because I am indoors. Manage to get some odd and end spray and drippings of bug killer on my arms. Wash my arms immediately after I am done handling the spray and plants but fearing it already absorbed into my skin along with the fumes I probably inhaled while spraying. Sent my infested plants with my friend, hopefully the bugs are dead but don't even want them in my house anymore.
Since the plants are gone I felt the need to clean that section of the house thoroughly since the spray probably got on everything. Hoping the open window took care of the lingering fumes. Ahhhh! Still freaking out because now I am worried that I am inhaling all of the fumes from all of the cleaner that I used to scrub that section of the house down. Read one book that says most household cleaners are fine but just keep a window open for the fumes but that instecticides can cause birth defects. Oh fuck me. Then I start bawling on how stupid I am and should have just thrown the damn plants away or found some natural way to kill the bugs. It's like I am just not thinking properly these days, actually the last 6 months. I know its not official that I am pregnant but I feel like I have been so optimistic that it was going to happen this month and believe I am, but now I feel like I fucked it all up already. Already ruined that babies chances of a healthy start. Then I start thinking about Liam and how I manage to do stupid things on occasion without thinking first and bound and determined that there had to have been something that I did that caused his spina bifida. Cry even more and harder because I miss Liam and feel that I did this to him.
I have been doing so good about not blaming myself for Liam's spina bifida and death until now. Now that I am possibly pregnant I feel everything I did when pregnant with him probably aided in his demise and I am repeating probably the same stupid mistakes now. I have read the books and online info about pregnancy a hundred times. I have talked to my doctor over and over. Yes, stupid of me to probably have used the bug spray, but why do I have to live in this constant fear. It's not even just the bug spray its just everything.


  1. I don't know why..I'm so sorry that you have to have those type of feelings. I did the blame game right from the get go b/c of my health issues. Just know that it's not your fault and doing and have done everything you possibly can to keep that little one safe. I'm thinking about you!

  2. First, ((Hugs))

    I'm not God but I feel confindent enough in saying that you did not just give your baby birth defects from using this spray. You also had no hand in Liam's spina bifida. It's so hard not to blame ourselves, I know. It's also almost impossible to not worry about everything little thing during pregnancy. BUT, what I do agree in is allowing yourself a good cry whenever you need one. Honestly, the spray was probably just the tipping point but maybe your heart knew that you just need a good ole sobfest...

    Thinking of you!

  3. You don't sounds crazy at all. That is how I was/am. When I got pregnant 4 months after Jacob was born, I was beyond paranoid about everything. I find it a little easier this time around, but I think it mostly has to do with the time that has passed. I was still a wreck last October and I'm just better mentally and emotionally now than I was then.

    I still worry about everything though. If my husband uses the microwave, I go to the other side of the house. I worry that my cell phone too close to my belly, did I eat something with too many preservatives, did I lift something too heavy. The list goes on and on. Part of me says that if the baby is meant to live, it will. When I think of all the things other pregnant women do (extreme drugs, alcohol, heavy lifting, smoking, dying their hair, eating junk food all the time) and many of them have babies that are just fine. I'm sure there are women who sprayed their lawns or plants and had perfectly healthy babies.

    We will always blame ourselves for losing the baby we did, but I remind myself all the time that other women did the exact same things I did and their babies were fine. You didn't cause Liam's Spina Bifida, it was a terrible fluke.

    I hope you start to feel a little better soon.

  4. I'm so sorry that you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders right now. Try to remember how many wonderful things you are doing for your maybe baby with all the vitamins and folic acid! You're a great mama!

  5. Sorry to hear you are worrying yourself silly. If it makes you feel any better, I had to switch deodorant and stop using perfume while I was pregnant with because I was positive that if I breathed anything in it would make the baby sick. Oh. And I didn't clean then either. There is a normal amount of paranoia that creeps into any mother's mind. I don't think you're outside of that realm. But seriously. Go easy on yourself :)

  6. Yes I worry a lot too about so many small things. I think about women who dare to do everything and then go on to have perfect healthy babies. And us, inspite of worrying and doing all we can, just don't get what we want. It's just unfair and meaningless.

    I wish you will be able to have calmer days. Thinking of you and little Liam

  7. I definitely understand that fear, but like Jessica said, you're a great mama! So, when you get worried, remember all the great things you are doing, also. I really hope that you are able to feel a little better and take it easy on yourself. Remember that Liam is watching over you! Thinking about you!

  8. Jacks health problems were all from genetics and chromosones but its so true no matter what- we play the blame game, I agree with vitu's mom, its so unfair when you see all those undeservig Mothers. You do have to relax to enable your pregnancy chances but my saying for the day is, "easier said than done." Well Wishes


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