Monday, December 5, 2011

11 Months

Sweet Liam,

I'm sorry little buddy, I am a little behind on writing you. I have had way too much on my mind lately. I can't even believe December is here already with January just around the corner. My anxiety has skyrocketed in the past couple weeks just thinking about eveything that happened just one year ago and how now, one year later, I am going to get through this time. I know I just need to take it day by day, just breathe, and not worry about how I am going to get through the next month but it is just weighing me down and I can't seem to get it off my mind.

Just one year ago on December 2nd we had our anatomy scan and I learned you were a little boy. That same day your father and I also learned of your hydrocephalus and were told we needed to go see a Perinatologist. That seems to be where it all started. I was definitely scared little buddy but at the same time this when your kicks got strong enough that we could see them. I was so in love. How would I have guessed that in a few weeks, just two days after Christmas, we would have found ourselves on a journey to San Francisco?

So now what do I do for January 3rd. I don't even know what to call it. I guess birthday because it was the day you were born, but you shouldn't have been born then, not that soon. It's still so hard for me to not think about the fetal surgery and the fact that January 3rd was the day that changed your life, our lives, just not the way we had expected. I want to be able to celebrate your beautiful, yet short life, but I find myself still getting so angry with the way things played out that day. I just don't know what to do, I just wish I could let go of this anger.

I love you so much and I hope others remember you too and just how special you are to me.

Love, Mom

Oh, and if you have a chance little buddy there are quite a few mommas celebrating the first birthdays of there little ones in heaven right now, if could give them all a hug because I am sure they are missing their mommas as much their mommas are missing them.


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