Sunday, November 27, 2011

A Bad Dream And The Christmas Box

I hope this was only a one time thing but last night I had a bad dream involving the new baby getting an u/s with the Perinatologist. The Dr. said nothing through the entire exam but at the end informs me that my baby has a bad cleft palette. Now that is definitely not something really that serious but in my dream I was bawling my eyes out and asking the Dr. if there was anything else wrong, inquiring if the cleft palette was a sign of a more serious problem or if my baby had Spina Bifida again or what. The Dr. said she wasn't going to talk to me about it but will send the results to my Ob Dr. and she will go over them with me. 

Part of me feels like this is like a flashback to when I found out about how bad Liam's Spina Bifida was. The Perinatologist didn't really tell me much then either and I had to find out the next day at work when my Ob called and asked how I was handling the bad news.

I want to believe this is just some stupid dream and not a sign that my baby is sick again but now I am getting nervous for the Quad screen. This is not what I needed. I'm already having trouble sleeping and now this dream. Some may not find this to be that horrible and even consider it just a dream, but I have been trying to do my best to remain as calm as possible and that didn't help.

As my counselor would tell me, just breathe and remember that there is nothing I can do about anything until I get the results back. It's true and I have been working hard on relaxing and not excessively worrying about things I can't control, but stupid dream:(.

I don't recall if I ever wrote about the book The Christmas Box or not. This book was given to me in a folder I received filled with pamphlets about grief and loss. It is a short book but it took me forever to read because I would bawl my eyes out after every page I read. I am bringing this up right now because I found out there is a movie based on this book and I had to watch it, although the book is so much better. It is also supposed to be a true story, which makes it even better. I would definitely give it a read, even if you haven't experienced the loss of a child.


  1. It's hard to think of anything but the worst-case scenerio when you've been through what we've been through... I'm sorry about your nightmare, but It's true what your counselor says, nothing you can do about any of it right now (which i find both comforting and TERRIFYING).

  2. Oh, I have terrible dreams, too. Many of mine are unrelated to the exact loss we had. I've dreamt of bleeding and incompetent cervix and losing the baby as well.

    Nothing I can do to assure you, but the counselor, you and LJ are right. Nothing you can do! :(

    Living the difficulty of pg after loss with you.

  3. Dreams can feel so real and you've been through so much... take each day as it comes and thinking of you and bub with all my heart. Love the Christmas ornaments in your last post xoxo

  4. I have scary dreams too. I don't think its a sign of anything wrong with our babies. I think its a sign that we've been through almsot too much for our subconscious to handle...but its trying!

    I will be thinking about you through your Quad Screen. I just got mine done and OF COURSE no one calls to tell me anything about it...GAH!

  5. Few days ago, I had a dream where my now OB tells me my one baby has spina bifida, another, something else is wrong, so I am again left with no babies. I remembered most details from the dream when I woke up, and was extremely depressed. Terrible things rule over me and I can hardly think of anything good. It's a sad place to be in....

  6. Oh Becky, I know exactly how those horrible dreams feel. I had them all through my pregnancy with Benjamin, and even now. They suck, dont they. I've always called them night terrors. And for me they are flash backs. I know how youa re left feeling, even more anxious and worried. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as your next set of testing apporaches.

    Just remember, the dreams are a look at the past and not of things to come.


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