I have been thinking a lot these past few days on how much my life has changed since Liam came into it. Until I was pregnant with him I never new it was possible to love someone so much that you never met, but feeling those kicks for the first time letting me know he was in there, well it was instant love.
I miss that. I miss him.
As I sit here and try to type this while doing the ugly cry I can picture exactly where we were last year on this first Sunday night of the new year. I was so full of optimism before heading to the hospital to check-in for the fetal surgery first thing Monday morning.
There is so much I hate about 2011 and what it took away from me but at the same time that little boy, in the time I knew him and the months since his passing, taught me so much. I feel like I learned more about what real love, real pain, and real life are all about. But why did my son have to die?????
I have seen the many stages of grief and know that everyone goes through them at different times, but I can say that for me I am still working on the acceptance and anger stages. The blame stage took me quite awhile to get through but I think I can honestly say I don't blame myself anymore, but accept his death and not be angry about it, I'm still working on that. I know I have to get past the anger before I can finally move onto acceptance, but I don't know if I can. I just hate this so much, I hate it, hate it, hate it.
Many people tend to start the new year off with a New Years resolution. I don't know if I have stuck with one ever and last year I don't think I even made one. For 2012 I don't want to make one neither. All I want this year is two things: I want Liam to be remembered(always actually) and I want his baby sister to be born healthy(and hopefully outlive me).
I too am stuck in anger and just can't seem to bring myself to accepting that my son died. You captured my feelings exactly. I think sometimes accepting what happened means I let go and forget, which I know is silly, but I completely get what you are saying. Thinking of your sweet Liam this month and always and sending all my positive thoughts for his little sister's safe arrival.ReplyDelete
Thanks for writing this post. Justin and I both literally said 'good riddance' to 2011 on New Years at midnight. Part of me felt sad for that because although it was absolutely the worst year of my life, the first many months were also some of the happiest.ReplyDelete
Hope you're hanging in there. I've been thinking a lot lately about our optimism prior to surgery and how Nashville was supposed to represent so many positive things for our family. Also, I've been thinking about the few hours early in the morning leading up to the surgery. Ugh, I get a lump in my throat, can hardly breathe, and my stomach gets in knots just thinking about it.
Happy 2012 to you guys.
I'm so sorry that a year has almost passed without Liam. It must be hard to ring in the new year this way! I do know that he will never be forgotten, and that he was so lucky to have a loving Mommy like you!ReplyDelete
Sending you lots of love!
I bounce back and forth between stages, I am not sure there is a final stage, I dont feel right now that I will ever accept it. The only thing that matters I guess is that whatever I feel, I am learning to live it. xo and wishing you all the best for the new year.ReplyDelete
My grief has been so back and forth, also, and like you, I don't know if I'll be able to truly accept my boys' death. Hopefully, it just gets easier to manage with more time. Thinking about you, Liam, and his baby sister on the way. I hope the new year is so much better for you guys!ReplyDelete