Saturday, February 2, 2013

The 2WW

Over a week down, just a few more days to go until the beta.
Surprisingly I haven't been too stressed about it. I probably would be more, but have been busy with lots of other things.
First off, my Doxycycline that I was given to prevent infection from the egg retrieval gave me a huge unneeded distraction. The bottle says to make sure that you take it with a full glass of water and not to lay down for awhile after taking it. Well Saturday morning, the day after the transfer, I had to take my last morning pill. I was super tired from staying out late the night before, so I woke up, took the pill with only a small sip of water, and then fell back asleep. I don't know if what happened to me has happened to any of you, but it was horrible. After I woke up I started getting really bad heartburn. The heartburn got so bad I felt like I was having mini heart attacks. Nothing seemed to help it. About two days later I started having severe chest pains that was making it difficult to breathe. I also could barely eat anything, and drinking was even worse. We were in North Dakota visiting Dereck's family so feeling like crap and going to the doctor was not how I planned to spend our time. I had done my research and learned that it was most likely esophagitis, which is apparently quite common with Doxycycline use. Anyways, to make a long story short, I was told to go to the ER because the clinic there didn't know what to do with me. The ER did a esophogastroduodoscopy (EGD). I was right about the esophagitis and had a huge esophageal ulcer as well. I got some medicine to try to help the heartburn, but it did nothing, Just yesterday, more than a week later, I can finally drink water pretty well again and can eat most nonacidic and non-spicy things. Not mt idea of a fun distraction. Worst drug ever!
My 32nd birthday was on the 25th. We went to a hockey game but that was about it. It was hard to enjoy it when
I felt like crap and couldn't even have a delicious birthday dinner, but it is what it is. Derecks grandma did however get me a massage and facial before we left town that was amazing and much needed. 
So being up in North Dakota we visited Derecks family and Liam and Evelynn's graves. I wish we could have stayed longer at their graves, but the weather made it hard. Visiting family was good though. At least this visit wasn't because of a funeral or burial like the last three times we were home.
Everyone is so excited about the egg retrieval and transfer and eager to hear the results. I know people want it to work out this time, I do too, but when people bring it up I get frustrated. I wrote a post a few months back about how people were already saying to me that they "just feel it" about the next pregnancy working out. I get that people want to be positive. Plus, the chances of things going bad a third time are slim, but what happened to Liam and Evelynn were rare incidences, and they happened, and no one knows for sure it won't happen for a third time. I also get worried about the fact that nothing that we are doing is a secret. Everyone knows whats going on with us. Everyone knows that we did the transfer two Fridays ago and that the beta will be this Friday. There will be no keeping this pregnancy a secret until we are past the first trimester, not even to the heartbeat. Everyone is waiting for the news on friday. My blog is public so its not liking what we are doing is a huge secret. I just get worried that as soon as we tell everyone, both friends and family, that Jessica is pregnant they are all going to get so excited and assume everything will be fine and even more comments about how they new it would work will come. Outside of the baby loss blog world most everyone I know has never dealt with baby loss before, let alone two significant losses. For most of them a positive pregnancy test means there will be a healthy, living, take home baby 9 months later. None of which has been my reality.
I hate to even bring up religion or beliefs, but even comments relating to that are driving me crazy. I am tired of hearing people tell me that they are praying this is going to work. Please no one hate me for saying this, but I have just lost so much faith in anything these past two years. Sometimes I just want to freak out on people when they say that because God doesn't grant miracles. I mentioned that I read "Bad Things Happen to Good People" this past summer, and if I believe anything at all it is that it doesn't work that way Anyway, sorry for the rant. I just wish people would realize that I love the support, but I only want the support that comes from just being there for me and helping me get through the hard days, not from comments relating to things that aren't guaranteed.
I ended up having a huge talk with Dereck about my feelings towards this. He is so wise and always knows the right thing to say. He reminds that people don't know what to say, just as they didn't know what to say after we first lost Liam and Evelynn. That people want good things for us. They hope for the best and so they say that they feel it will work this time because its what they hope for so badly. He also shared with me a nice little analogy about how if say a child hurts themselves you tend to tell them everything is going to be okay because hearing more bad news will cause them not only more distress but will most likely cause you to be more stressed, and so on. Anyway enough of that.
We have a few days left in Minnesota and then will be heading home. Jessica has her beta on Friday so hopefully we will have good news for the plane ride home.


  1. I took effing doxycycline to help my skin clear up (which it didn't even do) and had the SAME horrible problem. Oh it made my chest hurt so bad. Within a few days of stopping it got better - but man was that painful!

    Fingers crossed for you Becky. And for Jessica.

  2. I totally hear you on the "praying" thing. I am not religious, and never have been. I did read an article once on this study they did on prayer. Not sure if I have told this story before or not, but bare with me if I did! Anyways, what they did was pick two fertility clinics that were far away- one was India, and I can't remember if the other was India too or if it was elsewhere, but the point is that they were both far from where they were doing the study. Then, they had a group of people pray for the women at the clinic in India and not the other. The clinic was not told about the prayers. What they found was that while both clinics started the study with similar success rates in pregnancies, the India clinic experienced a statistically significant increase in pregnancy success rates while the other experienced no change. I don't personally think it was "god" who did this (like I said, I am not religious), but I think that when a number of people get together and send their positive thoughts towards one thing, change can happen. So while having people "pray" for you is no guarantee for sure, it can't hurt, right? It might even help to tip the scale in your direction. Everything that can be crossed is crossed for you guys and I look forward to hearing the results of the Beta test.
    Hugs to you Becky as I can only imagine what a roller coaster you are on right now.

  3. Just hoping Friday will bring good news. You and your babies are always in my thoughts...

  4. Girl the same thing happened to me except I wasn't as quick as you to figure out the problem. I had just had a D&C and then drove 6 hours to MN so I thought I had a blood clot that traveled to my heart or lungs! Made my hubby take me to the emergency room in Minneapolis. Four hours later and a cazzillion tests for "chest pain" and I was diagnosed with esophagitis also. Because I was staying in a hotel and paranoid about drinking out of the dirty hotel glasses (thanks Dateline) I filled my hand with just enough water to slurp down the doxycycline. Not pleasant! Thinking of you! TH

  5. I started reading your blog because I have a grandson named Liam. I check in from time to time to see how you are doing. I often think of things I would like to say to you but I never have. I was so sorry and dismayed to hear about little Evelynn. Today I just wanted to say how glad I am you have a good husband like Dereck to go through these hard times with. I think what he said is so true. I am glad he had those words to give you to hold onto and reflect on. I am glad you have him to hold onto. Now I am going to go back and read your post about him being the "best husband ever". I am teaching a Bible study on Esther right now. Yesterday we talked about how God doesn't always do "part the Red Sea" miracles (He can, but just not always) but He does work in the ordinary events of our life. I do pray that you see His work in this and feel His love and care. I don't know if someone has already mentioned this to you but a book by Ann Voskamp has meant so much to me. It is called One Thousand Gifts. She shares the strength that came to her personally through consciously recognizing and deliberately recording the small dailythings she considers as gifts from God. Some of the events she related leading to her need of such strength were so painful to read about I had to frequently stop reading awhile and pick up the book again later. You will see something similar to your experience in events she recounts of her brother's family and even her own. As I read this post I see several things to put on your list--a massage from D's grandma, compassionate friends, wise counsel from loving husband, Jessica, a romp with the dogs on a sunny, snowy days (a picture from your recent trip?) I'm a stranger to you but I care and I am sure there are others out there in the blog world who do also. May that be one of the things on your list.

  6. Prayer. Yeah... so I prayed a WHOLE hell of a lot for Andrew and he died.

    I still prayed when pregnant with Benjamin, but more for my brain than my baby. My sanity and all that crap. I am still not convinced (and never will be) that God saves certain people from death because they prayed. I don't believe in the power of prayer quite like I used to before Andrew died and I met all you wonderful people that also had babies die for no reason.

    It maddens me that people are telling you "It's your time" and "Things will work out this time" and all that. SURE, anyone who isn't a complete a-hole would agree that we WANT to see a baby come home with you and Dereck. I guess it's their way of trying to wish things to be. Who knows... but I'm not delusional about it. I just want it really bad for you guys.

    Here just supporting.

  7. I don't pray, but I'm hoping so hard for you guys. And for the record, I'll be here reading no matter what happens next. Good luck on Friday!!!

  8. Here's hoping for you guys! So much!!
    I will be thinking of you and hoping for a good beta tomorrow :) xxx

  9. I'm typing from my phone, so I apologize for any errors. The doxycycline sounds horrible. I hated when people would say that thought that our third pregnancy was it. Once we made it past 21 weeks, everyone, even my husband, thought that everything was going to be fine with the baby. It's frustrating. I hope you get good news about the beta levels!

  10. I've got everything crossed I can Becky! Lots and lots of positive thoughts heading your way!

  11. Even the very first time we went for invitro, with Jenna, I didn't like people telling me that they were sure it would work out. Part of my brain wanted to remind itself that things might not. Mind you once I was pregnant, and into the 2nd trimester, I thought I was home free. Luckily with Jenna I was.... then the second invitro trip came along, and again, I was hopefull, but in no way sure that I would get pregnant... again, did (so very lucky in that aspect)... but thought things would be alright, until Kristen was born too you already know..... Anyway, what I'm trying to say, is I get the irritation with comments about being sure it's all going to work. I really truly hope it does for you. Damn it, I so want this to work out for you!
    On another note, I hope that you feel better soon! How painful that must be!

  12. following along, hoping for good news in a few weeks! thank you for continuing to share your life with those of us reading along.

  13. I'm so hopeful for you guys and I totally understand your frustration with well-meaning people. I'll never forget when my Nana said to me, "Well, we just have to pray everything works out this time" and I was like, "Yeah. Because that worked out so well last time." Makes prayer feel pretty futile. I love WBTHTGP and I think that idea of prayer--as a way of connecting people and finding strength through interpersonal and spiritual support--is the only way I can wrap my head around the purpose of prayer. Dereck's analogy sounds exactly right. People don't know what to say, they try to say something positive, they look for the easy way out and they say things that are automatic phrases. It's hard not to take it personally though.

    OMG to your ulcer. Sounds horrible! Hope you are on the mend for good.

  14. checking in... still hoping like all get out to hear amazing news next week! thoughts, prayers, love -- whatever you want, you've got it from me dear friend :)


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